Living without...............

[janelle]

Good day everyone. I hope you all have a happy Easter.

Up until a few months ago I believed I could as a woman without having surgery. I came to that because of no insurance of coarse & that it is very hard to save money for it. The problem that has come for me now is people at work are seeing me as my old person & are stating to treat me as such, this hurts something terrible. HR has addressed the issue several times but it keeps coming back. I am also feeling less whole being stuck this way & thus my depression comes back.
I talked with my therapist & she said a year ago I had no intent of surgery but it seems I have learned a lot more of myself. So I ask,
Have any of you thought you could live without surgery?? If so did you ever feel the need to have it & then what did you do to keep yourself sane????

Sorry for the long post, I am just looking for some understanding & knowledge in how to deal with these feelings.

Thank you everyone. Hugs,

Janelle

[Sharon]

You consider that a long post? Gads, I can point you to some long posts! :p

I have also suspended any serious thoughts about surgery, also because of financial reasons. It's not easy at times, knowing that I have this unwanted..., umm..., growth, but I do what I can to bury those feelings beneath the surface somewhere, which is usually easier said than done. It's impossible for me to eliminate those feelings, however.

You have two choices as I have already long decided: You need to either throw caution aside and follow through with your desires while letting the chips lie where they fall, or you learn how to live with the emotions that you have. Sucks, huh? :hugs:

[ellenwannabe]

damn, if I had the money I would give it to you as you would be so much happier - best of luck - Ellen

[carolinoakland]

So I'll ask, are you on HRT? That has helped, I"m like you and Sharon. Until I get the money, I'm stuck in limbo. Thing is.... only you and you're doctor knows this. So, if you are 'backsliding' at work, well. And don't get me wrong, I struggle with it as well. I find that the habit's of interacting and conversation meant to confuse and keep people from ever knowing me still happen. If I don't focus, oh and without what do I have left to talk about? Oh, right, the other thing that no one but me should be talking about, my transition. So, I guess I'm clear as mud as usual, I hope it helps to know that what you're feeling is normal for what we're going through. You'll get through it, we all do. And what's the point of giving up? Not an option anymore. Carol

[Karen564]

I can understand your pain, but having or not having the SRS will not necessary validate you as a woman among your peers...they may never get over seeing you as your old self..

What's between your legs is of no concern of theirs, and they are not required to know or see it..

So far, I've been fine with it, nobody knows if I had the surgery or not....
But most think I did, since I wear tight jeans a lot, and nothing appears to show that I still have it..meaning it just looks the same as every other girl..

Hows the voice?, Radically training your voice to a more female range helps so much in the way people see you now..

PS, I know of many living as woman w/o the SRS, and they are content...as in , the way they look at it, when they can afford it, they will, but not getting done right away wont ruin their day either...life goes on..

:hugs:

[Hope]

I don't know if it is exactly the same issue. In fact I know that it is not, but perhaps related. As I am currently unemployed, I have more or less put myself on a "girl freeze." It is not at all what I want, and it is particularly frustrating now that I have sorted out many of my issues and know better what I want to do - but can't do it. But it is just catastrophically irresponsible for me to start HRT while I am interviewing for a new gig, or to spend 2K on laser when I am not bringing home any K.

But rather than focus on what I can't do I have chosen to focus on what I can. I can't do hormones, but I can research, and investigate, and plan. I can't do laser, but I can work on my voice. I can't even consider FFS, but I can get on the bike (especially now that the weather is nicer) and work on slimming down. I can't afford any sort of help from a cosmetologist - but I can practice practice practice getting my eyes right on my own.

Here is my point - obviously you have less work to do than I do - but there is almost certainly something you CAN do. Gender has SO much more to do with what is between our ears than it does with what is between our legs.

[stephanie100]

i know how you feel i too am trying to avoid surgery i have HRT that helps i think the choice is in the end yours:hugs:

[Suzy Harrison]

I don’t think surgery is that important. It certainly won’t make us more feminine – and who will ever sees the results?. In many ways, hormones do more for us than the SRS will ever do.
Hormones affect so many things, smoother skin, softer and rounder face, breasts, some fat distribution and less body hair. Whereas the SRS does something that no one will see.

So I think if others are not relating to you as a female then you should look at other things. To me the most important is the face and the voice. Get those right and you’re 90% there.

It is very hurtful when others still consider us as the wrong sex, but at this stage I wouldn’t worry about something so expensive which will have so little impact on the way others perceive you.

I’m lucky enough to have both the SRS and some FFS coming up. I’m more excited about the FFS as that will give me more confidence. You don’t say how long you’ve been on hormones but I think the first 3 years will do the most for us.

Hang in there, you’re not alone


Hugs Suzy

[janelle]

I thank everyone for your advice. I am on hormones, I am training my voice & everywhere but work I pass. Even from my old Pastor,he saw me awhile back & did not know it was me. But at work, They have told all the other woman I will not be using and of the multi-stall restrooms until I have surgery, thus everyone knows. In fact I thought that was wrong so I contact the EEOC, guess what, nothing they can do about others knowing my medical postion. This is what is driving this push in my life. If I am accepted or not who cares, I just want what should be my choice.

Thanks again & Happy Easter. Hugs everyone

Janelle

[eileendover]

.... thus everyone knows. In fact I thought that was wrong so I contact the EEOC, guess what, nothing they can do about others knowing my medical postion.

From what little I know about HR departments, I thought that divulging your medical information would be prohibited by HIPAA privacy laws.

Maybe worth looking into? http://www.hhs.gov/ocr/privacy/hipaa/understanding/index.html

[janelle]

They have not said anything solid other than " when she has surgery she will be able to use any of the female restrooms & the locker area". So indirectly they are & thats all & it sucks.

Thanks hun.

Hugs............................Janelle

[Schatten Lupus]

Being in a relationship, I can wait for SRS. I don't want to, but I see it as the cherry on top of the icing. Don't need it, but it's a very nice extra.
I do want to get FFS though. I have a very masculine face, and having a more feminine looking one would, I think, add more to my confidence than anything. I did get lucky with my adams apple though, as it is small enough and high up enough that it really isn't noticable.

[Suzy Harrison]

They have not said anything solid other than " when she has surgery she will be able to use any of the female restrooms & the locker area". So indirectly they are & thats all & it sucks.

Thanks hun.

Hugs............................Janelle



I'm very surprised they have said this - Is that legal in the US? - In Australia the employer would be in trouble and would be open to prosecution, as it's against our gender laws.

[luvSophia]

From what little I know about HR departments, I thought that divulging your medical information would be prohibited by HIPAA privacy laws.
The HR department in a company is not a covered entity under HIPAA.

Restroom policies are a bone of contention whenever gender identity questions come up. I am just guessing here, but I would say that as long as an employer makes a reasonable effort to provide a place to pee then they would be within the boundaries of most current laws.

[Stephenie S]

OK, dear. No surgery. You will be able to live quite nicely as a woman without it as several have said. After all, nobody looks THERE, do they?

BUT, some day you will be unable to care for yourself and you will end up in a nursing home. Do you want to be treated as a MAN at that point, just because of the appearance of your external genitalia? ICK!

I know this seems like something WAY in the future, but in reality it will be here sooner than you think.

[Karen564]

From what little I know about HR departments, I thought that divulging your medical information would be prohibited by HIPAA privacy laws.

Maybe worth looking into? http://www.hhs.gov/ocr/privacy/hipaa/understanding/index.html

We were studying this in my previous class..

Normally, that is true...But, that can depend on who paid for a doctor visit..such as Workers Comp...

In the medical office, we are supposed (but not legally required) to create a new/separate medical file for anything covered under workers comp so the employer can only see what pertains to the workers comp case file (such as an injury from work)...but if the medical office included a workers comp case into a previous personal medical record (which can happen), it gives the employer a right to access the whole record...(copies only)..
So for that reason, it is always strongly encouraged to never go to your regular PCP when you have workers comp flipping the bill, so there is no chance of an employer having access to your previous personal medical information..

So girls, always keep that in mind if you ever have to use your employers workers comp...
Although, this new Obama health care bill may change all this in the near future because of the way they want compile all your medical information electronically to single database..
:hugs:

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Surgery is not necessary - in all probability, your FEMALE GENDER was in place while you were still in the womb - like most, if not all of us, we were born with a brain that sees us as one gender and compels us to be that gender, but somehow we wound up with a body that does not match our brain's gender expectation. Our brain is much stronger than our bodies. If your brain is telling you that you are a female, then that is what you are.

I really don't like to think of GRS/SRS as only cosmetic, but in a sense it is. Your brain already knows what gender you are with or without surgery. Yes, I want surgery because for ME, it will make me "feel" complete. But, it certainly is not required. I know that I was born a female, even though I wound up with a funky male body. I guess it would take an entire male brain transplant to make my body match the brain.

Seriously, if your brain tells you that you are female, then you are female and if your brain is telling you that you are male, then that's what you are.

JoAnne Wheeler

[janelle]

Again I was happy to live my life as a female with an extra piece, but when you keep getting called him, he, my male name your brain takes a beating. Its like they claim, you tell someone something long enough they will believe it. I have lived to many years with the pain of hiding who & what I am.
Also my insurance will not pay for any things that come from any of my change. So, if my hormones cause a heart attack or whatever guess what, I AM ON MY OWN. Of coarse with that said,after surgery, I could end up with no insurance at all, just because of the change.

Just feeling like i am stuck in the middle of some kind of nightmare, with no way out.
Thanks all...................................Hugs,
Janelle

[Stephenie S]

You have touched upon one of the very serious problems to those who transition at work. No one is ever gonna forget. Even after the surgery, you are still gonna be "that tranny".

As far as HR is concerned, I think they are WAY outta line, but now that you have allowed THEM to define who you are, it may be too late. By giving them the power to define your gender for you, you have also handed off to them the ability to specify which bathroom you use, and probably what your dress code will be also.

Are you a woman? Who's business is it of any others. IT'S YOUR BUSINESS.

Where's your therapist in this? In order to comply with the HBSOC, you MUST present as female 100% percent of the time, not just when someone else says it's OK.

Perhaps you are not presenting as female at work. Well then, how can you expect your co-workers to see your proper gender? And if you ARE presenting as female at work, how can you expect them to see you in your proper gender if you have to use a separate bathroom? You're in some sort of Limbo, dear, but you need to get your transition back under your control.

Oh, I guess I ran off at the mouth again, gotta stop.

Lovies,
stephenie

[janelle]

Thanks Stephenie;
My therapist has called HR several times. It is there lawyers that are callingg the shoots. I dress 24/7 as a woman & that includes some make up at work.
In fact I was just told yesterday, they are doing these steps to "protect" the other employee's. Made me sick.
I have contacted the EEOC & the group here in Wisconsin on the state level. I was also told that there are lawyers & others in the Madison area that may wish to take this discrimanation on, I just haven't found them yet.
I will say I have 3 or 4 girlfriends & 2maybe 3 male friends that try to help.
When the company told me what their Lawyer said , I said fine but than you better start doing something about the wrong pronouns, thats haressment. ( hope I am spelling right, pissed off after the days job){SORRY}. I contacted my union & said I would turn these people in but I have to work with everyone so that would only make it worse. They are going to try to talk to people again & warn them.
I heard from a lady friend who could be moving close to me. I would then have someone that could help me thru this all. Like you said this is a hell we all face. Those of you who have support in any way be very, very thankful.
I will try to keep everyone up to date as things happen. Thanks everyone for your understanding & love.

Hugs...............................Janelle