When to tell

[BRANDYJ]

I just wanted to share my thoughts about when you can feel safe, and secure in telling your SO that you are a cross dresser.
It is my belief that if you truly love someone with all your heart, and they love you with all their heart, that together there is really very little about us that can destroy that love.

I know for me, that if my SO told me something that is a part of her, or her past, that I may not like it, may not understand it, but out of love, I am going to do all I can to accept it. I strongly believe that love conquers all.

So IF you can say that you know the depth of your SO's love for you, why are you not trusting her devotion enough to share a deep dark secret with her?

It's not easy. I clearly remember the first time I told the woman I loved. Believe me, it was not pretty for a few days. But with my honesty, understanding of her fears and her understandable lack of knowledge about it, we worked through it. Deep love of each other was our strength to eventual acceptance and later even her enjoying my fem side. She died in 1984. Since then, I had to tell my now ex-wife. I was fortunate that her reaction was kind of like, "Is that all there is?" Total acceptance from day one.

Maybe it is us that have a harder time dealing with being a cross dresser then our SO's do. We tend to protect our masculinity in her eyes so we hide our softer side. A part of us. And it may well be it is that softer side she fell in love with along with your masculine side that made you the person she fell in love with to begin with.

Others care to share your opinion or thoughts?

[DiannaRose]

I've been very accepting of recent explorations my wife has been making into her own nature, but she has been (until recently) unable to reciprocate. Some people can accept things better and more easily than others.

In her case, events from her past made her afraid of any major change in those she loves--in this case, me and my "new" crossdressing. (New to her.) She's getting better, as anyone who's read my recent posts can see, but for a long time she was simply unable (not unwilling) to accept this thing about me.

So while it hurt ( at times a LOT) to see her off exploring her new thing without het accepting me exploring mine, with patience and compassion I've been slowly able to win her over some. I still don't have everything I want, but I have far more now than I ever thought I would.

My wife always liked my softer aspects, but she never thought of them as "feminine". That's just her nature. To her, they were never separated from "me". Now they are. For better or for worse? Too early to say. :)

I agree that when you love someone, you love them no matter what--unless they change for the worse, or you find out something about them so against your nature you just can't accept it. In many cases, this is (I believe) what happens when an SO utterly rejects their spouse's "new" nature. Some people just aren't hard-wired to accept. It happens.

Fortunately, based on what I read here, more often the SO CAN accept, or at the very least, not reject. But speaking for myself, I'll never hide this part of me from any woman I ever fall in love with--assuming I ever fall out of love with my wife and find someone else, which thus far ain't happening. :)

[BRANDYJ]

Thank you for your comments Dianna. Through it all, you and your wife are still together. With time,compassion, understanding, it can work out and you will remain a couple. That is my point. It does not mean the end of the world or the relationship even if we don't get the full acceptance we would like to have.

I always try to turn things around. What if it was her that wanted to dress and act like a male? I mean if she wore a strap on, jockey shorts wore a beard or mustache and she felt better about herself in doing this. Would I be as accepting of her? Would I be so turned off that it would lead to the end of the relationship? Or would I do exactly what I want her to do. That is be understanding, supportive and still be as much ion love with me. We do ask a lot when you turn it around.
I'm just thankful my SO is fully supportive and the love could not be stronger between us. I have no secrets form her. That alone is a beautiful thing.

[Sweeterica]

I think if you truely love someone you can overcome most things with communication, i told my wife about crossdressing very early on, we talked about why i did etc and she accepts it fine. I think the wives that learn about it after years of marriage just find it too much of a shock knowing their other half had a secret so long,keeping secrets just dont pay in long run does it.

[dorylinn]

It is my belief that if you truly love someone with all your heart, and they love you with all their heart, that together there is really very little about us that can destroy that love.




This is why I know my wife loves me very deeply.

The hardest thing for her is separating the crossdresser / gay thing.

The fact she is still with me is a sign of her love:twirl:

I hope I show this kind of love for her :hugs:

[BRANDYJ]

This is why I know my wife loves me very deeply.

The hardest thing for her is separating the crossdresser / gay thing.

The fact she is still with me is a sign of her love:twirl:

I hope I show this kind of love for her :hugs:

Well said Dorylinn.

The longer a guy waits, the more the woman will feel betrayed for not being trusted. It's more about keeping a deep dark secret that hurts and upsets a woman, then it is about the cross dressing.
Of course for the woman that have had no education on the topic, it's easy to see why they connect cross dressing with being gay. And it does not help that the porn sites help support that belief along with shows like Jerry Springer.

[Presh GG]

Great thread Brandy !

Yes it usually is that unique mix of personality that attracted your SO in the first place.

P.S. to my dh
Thank you dear for 35 wonderful years

[IMkrystal]

Well said Dorylinn.

The longer a guy waits, the more the woman will feel betrayed for not being trusted. It's more about keeping a deep dark secret that hurts and upsets a woman, then it is about the cross dressing.
Of course for the woman that have had no education on the topic, it's easy to see why they connect cross dressing with being gay. And it does not help that the porn sites help support that belief along with shows like Jerry Springer.

This is similar to the questions I asked when I first joined this web site. Most GGs recommended never hiding and telling up front while Cds recommended waiting. I have gone on various dating sites both with only my Cd avatar and others only my male avatar. The sites where I posted my Cd avatar, women only complimented me on my courage, telling me “Good Luck!"There were no takers. My male avatar, with no mention of Cd, had no problem attracting women. I have not used a combination of both because of fear of being identified. Therefore, the only solution is to hide until the right time.

[sissystephanie]

I believe the time to tell is when you know that she is The One!!

I told my late wife before we married, and we had almost 50 years of happily married life together before cancer took her! The one important thing that I did was let her know that no matter what kind of clothing I wore, I was always her MAN underneath! I have never had any desire to actually be a woman, I just like to wear their clothes!! That satisfied her completely!

[Angie G]

When I finally told me wife She was just glad the things she found belonged to me And not another woman.Sha says it's who I am And she loves my no matter.Married and happy almost 42 years.:hugs:
Angie

[Thalia]

I believe Brandyj and Sweeterica are right on. The longer we wait, the more difficult it is for our SOs. I waited 15 years and now, 1 1/2 years later, we're still struggling with it. Still seeing a psychotherapist (at great expense) but I feel that is the main reason we're still together. She doesn't want her life to change and is trying to figure out this crossdressing business. She's read several books, been on line, and,as I said, sees a psychologist. We're no longer intimate but I love her and she has said she loves me but is dealing with such rage for all the years of duplicity and the thought of me sneaking out for manicures and corset fittings just disgusts her. We have five kids (all grown) and soon will have seven grandkids. It isn't easy struggling with what I did to her. I should have told her before we were married, then she could have made an educated decision whether or not to marry me. We are asking our SOs for a lot when we want them to accept the crossdressing and what it entails. In some cases, years of sneaking around, just the act of omission because we never told them, and, even with education, there is the always present fear that maybe, just maybe, her man will be "one of those" that eventually wants more and more, perhaps someday wanting to dress 24/7 or have a sex change. She never signed up for this. On this site and others devoted to crossdressing, we post our pictures, tell each other we look great, and that "I'm okay, you're okay". I think we have a huge sense of entitlement to feel that we should be accepted just because there is a great love between us. Sometimes there is too much anger or dissapointment.

[BRANDYJ]

I want to thank all that have added their own story to this thread. I can only hope it will help someone that is struggling with when to tell the woman in their life. everyone brought up some very good points.
If cross dressing is a part of you, as most experts will attest, I see nothing good out of years of hiding it. Not good for the CD or every bit as important, the woman they love or want a life long relationship with. We owe it to any woman we want to be with to tell her about it. What some may not realize, it is a form of cheating to NOT tell.

[Tomara]

Great post Brandy
You brought up some very good points and I agree that it's not easy to talk about but it certainly is best to be honest and open in any relationship.
Tomara

[JulieK1980]

I think it varies very much for each individual. But earlier is definitely better than later. Back when I was single, I'd tell, once we moved past the initial dating and it started to turn into an exclusive relationship. I'm not gonna lie, a lot of women stopped talking to me after I told them, but if they couldn't handle all of me, I didn't really want to date them. But ultimately it meant I found my wife, and she accepts all of me, and I her. So for me, telling earlier was definitely the right choice, and it stopped me from ending up in a long term relationship with someone that didn't like the crossdressing.

[BRANDYJ]

I think it varies very much for each individual. But earlier is definitely better than later. Back when I was single, I'd tell, once we moved past the initial dating and it started to turn into an exclusive relationship. I'm not gonna lie, a lot of women stopped talking to me after I told them, but if they couldn't handle all of me, I didn't really want to date them. But ultimately it meant I found my wife, and she accepts all of me, and I her. So for me, telling earlier was definitely the right choice, and it stopped me from ending up in a long term relationship with someone that didn't like the crossdressing.

Very good answer Jody. It's that period of time that each is getting to know the other, the dating,. the times spent together and the chemistry continues to be there for both, When you believe that you want, and they want, to make it exclusive between you the two of you. To wait longer when either might be starting to fall in love, can only mean heartache for either if she can't accept that part of you.

[kimdl93]

I agree with Jody. I think not only is it better for the individual CDer to find someone who is accepting of their entirety, but also its only fair to let the potential SO know what she's getting into and let her make an informed choice.

[5150 Girl]

I belive in telling at the very beginning of a relationship. (before you have to much emotional investment) It saves a lot of trouble in the long run.

Tell her up front and if she freaks / runs then oh well, plenty of other fish in the sea....

Tell her later and she freaks / runs, then hearts are broken, fights, ill feelings, and if you really waited to long, then we're talking divorce mess.....