makin' it real
04-04-2010, 10:08 PM
This past 6 months has been a time of ever greater acceptance, expression, and appreciation for my feminine side. First I was able to talk more about it with my therapist, then began a course of mild physical changes, and 3 months ago moved into my own place rather than the shared house I'd been in. Since I now keep all my clothes hanging in the closet or in my regular dresser instead of hidden away, I've also been on a massive clothes shopping spree and purging my guy clothes. I have more women's clothes than men's, almost no male underwear, and far more women's shoes! I gotta tell you, it feels great to give space and ease to this part of myself, finally.
Recently it has continued with me come out to 2 gg friends, both of whom are accepting and supportive. Yay! The second one immediately asked what my femme name was and, when I said I didn't have one, suggested 3 possible names. I especially liked one of them but couldn't tell her which it was. I've spent time with a couple different Native American groups, and in their traditions someone else has to pick your name for you. It's poor form to choose your own name. My friend also shares this background, respects it, appreciated my not picking a name, and promptly christened me Rachel, so Rachel I am. And yes, that's the name I was hoping for!
Two weeks ago about 10 people (it varied from 8-14 through the evening) helped celebrate my 50th birthday by going out for dinner and drinks. We all had a great time, but what especially struck me was the number of events that could be interpreted as having a CD'ing subtext. Just a single fer instance: I received a card whose cover was a picture of a cute young girl about 7 years old with blonde curly hair seemingly cautiously coming out through an interior door. It just took my breath away with its so-accurate depiction of me cautiously coming out of the closet. When I showed it around the table, one of my friends in the know spread her eyes wide and her hands flew up to her mouth as she bit back a squeal of laughter. We exchanged big smiles with each other about it through the night.
So I've been talking with one of my friends about my concerns regarding finding an accepting romantic partner. You see, I've been purposely celibate for the past several years and recently it has felt like time to start a new relationship. While I'm looking forward to opening up that part of life again, I'm also a bit worried about being able to find someone. I mean, hey, I am 50 after all. I'm decent looking and a nice enough guy, but like everyone I have some less attractive features too. Add those in to CD'ing - which will now HAVE to be discussed before going very far into intimacy, even if just for my own mental health, let alone for the health of the relationship! - and that leads me to have some misgivings.
Which also leads to the title of this thread. I just awoke from a nap in which I had a most wonderfully scary dream! In the dream I was moving things from one floor to another in a house, back and forth, up and down. To me, that signified moving from my head to my heart, and revising my internal arrangements/agreements. Somehow there were a couple kids running around, and an old girlfriend sleeping. (The old girlfriend's real name is Rachel, and she does have two kids. Gee, coincidence ya think?) Well, the girlfriend wakes up and comes outside, where I've been involved in some sort of confrontation that was just successfully resolved (I don't remember exactly what it was). She comes up to me, wraps her arms around me, and says, "Well I love a woman who wears women's panties" then winks to let me know I'm that woman. Then I woke up.
Well, I gotta tell you, I feel far more at ease about my prospects now. :love:
I've spent decades fighting this part of myself, thinking I'm bad, or sick, or whatever. Finally, oh thank goodness finally, I am coming to accept this is just part of who I am. And whoever I end up being in relationship with is going to be someone who is also able to accept and appreciate this part of me. That's the message I get from the dream, and that's what I finally feel I deserve in real life too.
I guess I just want to share some of my story with you, to celebrate with you my growth and changes , and to thank you all on this forum for being an important part of my coming to this acceptance. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading about everyone's experiences. Thanks for being here. :hugs: :love:
Recently it has continued with me come out to 2 gg friends, both of whom are accepting and supportive. Yay! The second one immediately asked what my femme name was and, when I said I didn't have one, suggested 3 possible names. I especially liked one of them but couldn't tell her which it was. I've spent time with a couple different Native American groups, and in their traditions someone else has to pick your name for you. It's poor form to choose your own name. My friend also shares this background, respects it, appreciated my not picking a name, and promptly christened me Rachel, so Rachel I am. And yes, that's the name I was hoping for!
Two weeks ago about 10 people (it varied from 8-14 through the evening) helped celebrate my 50th birthday by going out for dinner and drinks. We all had a great time, but what especially struck me was the number of events that could be interpreted as having a CD'ing subtext. Just a single fer instance: I received a card whose cover was a picture of a cute young girl about 7 years old with blonde curly hair seemingly cautiously coming out through an interior door. It just took my breath away with its so-accurate depiction of me cautiously coming out of the closet. When I showed it around the table, one of my friends in the know spread her eyes wide and her hands flew up to her mouth as she bit back a squeal of laughter. We exchanged big smiles with each other about it through the night.
So I've been talking with one of my friends about my concerns regarding finding an accepting romantic partner. You see, I've been purposely celibate for the past several years and recently it has felt like time to start a new relationship. While I'm looking forward to opening up that part of life again, I'm also a bit worried about being able to find someone. I mean, hey, I am 50 after all. I'm decent looking and a nice enough guy, but like everyone I have some less attractive features too. Add those in to CD'ing - which will now HAVE to be discussed before going very far into intimacy, even if just for my own mental health, let alone for the health of the relationship! - and that leads me to have some misgivings.
Which also leads to the title of this thread. I just awoke from a nap in which I had a most wonderfully scary dream! In the dream I was moving things from one floor to another in a house, back and forth, up and down. To me, that signified moving from my head to my heart, and revising my internal arrangements/agreements. Somehow there were a couple kids running around, and an old girlfriend sleeping. (The old girlfriend's real name is Rachel, and she does have two kids. Gee, coincidence ya think?) Well, the girlfriend wakes up and comes outside, where I've been involved in some sort of confrontation that was just successfully resolved (I don't remember exactly what it was). She comes up to me, wraps her arms around me, and says, "Well I love a woman who wears women's panties" then winks to let me know I'm that woman. Then I woke up.
Well, I gotta tell you, I feel far more at ease about my prospects now. :love:
I've spent decades fighting this part of myself, thinking I'm bad, or sick, or whatever. Finally, oh thank goodness finally, I am coming to accept this is just part of who I am. And whoever I end up being in relationship with is going to be someone who is also able to accept and appreciate this part of me. That's the message I get from the dream, and that's what I finally feel I deserve in real life too.
I guess I just want to share some of my story with you, to celebrate with you my growth and changes , and to thank you all on this forum for being an important part of my coming to this acceptance. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading about everyone's experiences. Thanks for being here. :hugs: :love: