looking for some advice

[makyo]

Hello all,

I'm so glad to have found this forum. I've been reading a lot and learning a lot too form everybody but I think now the time has come for me to ask for your advice regarding my personal situation.... I hope this doesn't get too long so please bear with me.

I'm a 38 years old male who has been doing private and secret crossdressing since I was around 12. I've never stopped since then and I have to say that I quite enjoy it and always feel the strong need to do it from time to time. To everyone I've been a straight guy and I've been always in relationships with women and for long time thought that women were my real path and I think I enjoyed sex with women (although my relationships for some reason always ended failing because of me). On the side, about 10 years ago, I also happened to find that I was attracted to men and started having secret and casual sexual relationships with them. At the beginning I struggled a lot with it but over time I came to fully accept it and enjoy (now I think I enjoy it much more than with women). When with men I've always played a "feminine" role and find that as time passes I ask more and more to be treated as if I was a woman... all this leading to the point where I'm now: feeling that I want to be 100% a woman and also be with a man as a woman, as opposed to only being gay and feeling that I'm a man who likes men... or bisexual.

I've read other people cases and it seems that many always knew, almost since the moment that they were born, that they were born with the wrong sex. In my case it hasn't been like that and, although I secretly played to be a woman (and even have sexual self-satisfaction in some ways that resemble how a woman would do it... sorry if this is too much detail) its not until recently (past 3 months) that I've been feeling more and more that I was born with the wrong sex. I'm thinking that this might be caused by a strong repression I've exercised on myself since always due to direct family and social pressure where I was constantly asked to behave more "like a man" when I was in my early teens (they perceived I had strong feminine ways and even mocked them and warned me about becoming gay as if it was a big mistake).

So my question is, am I just confused? Am I trasngendered or transexual? Am I gay? bi? At this point I'm a bit lost. I know therapy is what I need and will try to get it soon, but just wondering if I could get your opinions from your own perspective.

Thanks!

p.s. please feel free to ask if something is not clear.

[EnglishRose]

Hello all,
I've read other people cases and it seems that many always knew, almost since the moment that they were born, that they were born with the wrong sex. In my case it hasn't been like that and, although I secretly played to be a woman (and even have sexual self-satisfaction in some ways that resemble how a woman would do it... sorry if this is too much detail) its not until recently (past 3 months) that I've been feeling more and more that I was born with the wrong sex.

I'm in a very similar boat. I'm 34 and while I can point to many things throughout my childhood, I can't say I knew. About 3 months ago, though, I started to accept I was transgender, despite this, and I've since pretty much come to realize that I'm transsexual (not that this doesn't mean sleepless nights and constant worry).

Of course, as you've said yourself, therapy would be worthwhile I believe, if just to get you to ask the right questions of yourself. Nobody else can determine your gender identity, just help you work through this.

[Rachel_Red]

I would say that it is something you need to reflect on for a while. I've always been TG in one way or another I just didn't know it untill about two years ago. For nearly 10 years now I've played Online Games and been in online worlds as a female. I've convinced people that I'm a woman and they've believed me. I wrote a book from a personal desire to be a woman with a female main character and I'm now writing a book about a transgendered person. Since I was a kid my one wish was "I wish I would wake up a girl."

However we differ beyond that. I'm becoming a woman but my attraction towards women never stopped. I'm engaged to a GG (Genetic Girl) yet I want to be a woman myself... infact every time I close my eyes that is what I see. So I wouldn't say that your sexual prefrence defines if you are a TG or not. If you believe that you are a female in a male body then you are a TG. That's why I say you need to consider it deeply. Ask yourself "am I a woman, when I close my eyes what do I see?"

As you mentioned you CD already. Do you enjoy women's clothing more then mens? If you do you may be on the right path. Do you enjoy putting on makeup all the time? TGs have to put it on all the time (unless they get their beards removed). If you wake up some days and want nothing to do with makeup then it may not be the path for you. My fiance insists that I dress up once a day. I haven't fully converted over to Rachel 100% yet but she wants me to feel the burden and joy of being Rachel. So far I have not had any second thoughts... infact I get sad when I have to take all my makeup off.

Try that out. Dress up once a day, every day for a month and if you feel as though you can keep it up then being a TG will be a breeze for you. Beyond that I can't say how to find out for yourself if being TG is what you need or want. Only you can truely answer that question. On the upside though CDers.com and all the other members are here to help you along your path. This is a good and strong community with a lot of wonderful advice and guidelines.

[GypsyKaren]

Would you still want to live your life full time as a woman if you never had sex with a man ever again? How about if you never had sex again, period? If the feeling were brought out from sex, you have to take sex out of the question in order to find the answer.

Karen :g1:

[luvSophia]

I agree with Karen, you need to take sex out of the equation. Sexual orientation and gender identity are two entirely different things. And do not try to figure out if you are gay or not if you even think you may be some flavor of trans, it just gets too confusing. It is merely a matter of who you are attracted to, emotionally and physically.

[Rachel_Red]

And do not try to figure out if you are gay or not if you even think you may be some flavor of trans, it just gets too confusing.

Wow thats a very good point both you and Karen brought up. Yes your sexual orientation should have nothing to do with your choice to be Trans-anything. I'm a TG, I'm attracted to other females (as stated above) so yes deffently sexual desires should have nothing to do with this choice. In the end its all about how you want to live your life.

[pamela_a]

Karen has it right. You need to take your sexual attraction out of the equation completely. Being TS is about you and how you need to live your life, not what you like to wear or do in your bedroom.

[makyo]

Thanks a lot everyone! I appreciate all your insights and believe me that every word counts a lot for me.

I'm aware that sexuality and gender are two different things. I have to add that if in the past I haven't been 100% sure all the time that I'm born with the wrong gender I can certainly say that my whole life I have never fully identify with being a man... I've always felt different and many men through out my life have perceived me as such (and some of them expressed it in not very friendly ways, specially when I was in my early teens).

Also I should ad that is not only when I'm in bed or wearing female clothes that I feel feminine. I do very frequently (and lately much more) just feel like a woman while doing my every day life things... like walking on the street, talking to people, at work. Everything around me sometimes feels out of place, for example like if you went to an elegant cocktail party dressing jeans and feeling that everything around you points at you being out of place the way you are presenting yourself... something like that.

The question of if I would like to be a woman if I never had sex again is kind of hard for me to answer since for me to have an active sexual life is an important part of my life, as a man, woman or whatever. But I know what are you trying to point at.

Also regarding the wanting to wake up every day and put make up... well, I know many women who don't do it and don't wish to do it! (and they are straight women) so I guess the point there would be: ideally you want to be a woman but realistically you are going to have to deal with a lot of details to make it happen, are you willing to go through them? That area is still a bit difficult for me to face, specially when I think about SRS and HRT and all that I would have to go through... but if someone came right now with a magic wand and asked me "do you want to magically and instantly become a woman?" right now I would answer without doubt "yes!".

[Staciej]

You realy should see a Theripist as you are border line Ts. One question mine asked me was" What would you rather die as a male or female?" My answer was female as I never seen myself as a male. I was confused cause I never was or will be into men. I hate the male body as much as I did my own. So I am a Lesbian with a great wife who has gone down my journey with me. Sex is not 100% the reason but even my therpist say's sex has to be in a relationship for there to realy be love. It's not only thing in love but has to be there. My wife hated the male that was me she loves Stacie and calls herself a Lesbion to anyone that ask. So being atracted to males as a female don't make you auto Ts. Only you can say what you are and how you wan't to live life. You never mentiond have you ever thought of suicide cause you hate yourself so damn much? ( not saying too or have to have toughts of it) Lot of Ts have thoughts to me that was my wake-up call. Stacie has been here sence that and my wonderful wife and soon will have childeren to share are lifes with.

Remember two things:

Sex is not a reason for changing gender..

Have to be ok with thought you will die as a female...

[EnglishRose]

One thing I left out, also. I've heard from multiple people who didn't know they were supposed to be the opposite sex from a young age. Just that something was wrong. For years it'd been my go-to proof. "But you have to have known! Right?" :doh:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You realy should see a Theripist as you are border line Ts.

One question mine asked me was" What would you rather die as a male or female?"

Sex is not a reason for changing gender..

Have to be ok with thought you will die as a female...

This is great advice....my line was crossed when i imagined myself on my deathbed and thinking to myself that i had wasted my entire life, that i never did what i was born to do...

if you can honestly answer this question, all the other stuff can be thought of in the right context..

doubt is natural..some folks say they knew all along, but in my real life experience, many ts women say they were confused, or knew something, or never connected the dots

the idea that "To be TS, you have to know from your first thoughts that you were a girl" did great damage to me...
I didnt feel this way...but i felt that i was ripped off by being a guy..i plotted and planned becoming a woman, i fantasized about being a woman, and wore my moms clothes at every opportunity from my earlies memory

but never thought "i am a woman"..thats just how my 6 yr old brain figured this all out...

when i read about ts'ism and saw a therapist in my 20's..i was "diagnosed" as a crossdresser..i felt even more lonely and isolated because I assumed that i was "stuck" as a crossdressing guy because i couldnt say "I know" i'm a woman...UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you have any trans friends around you to talk too?

[Staciej]

I knew something was wrong yes I am a Girlie girl with a little tom-boy. I never was atracted to males yet I din't wan't to be one either. I'm from a verry small town were it's said" You like boy's and ur a boy then you'r gay. There was no T's there and if did they was with guy's. Not very many movie's show a T with another female.( can't think of a one actualy) So no thought hey a T can be lesbian lol, Wasn't untill my doctor asked what was wrong after one of my many failed death attempts. He contacted me with a theripist who told me there was many male's in same situatuon juggling" do I have gender dissorde"? Yes it's a hard question to answer yourself. (and only gets hardder when you'r a person who analyzed everything in there life) It is something only you can only answer yourself and never a easy task.

No I have no T'girl friends (but on here :heehee: ) do have a few in my family and my wife has a cousin. They won't realy socialive with me as we all have defferant views. One is a forget my life when I was male all friends ,family, and that life so moved married a guy who has kid's of his owned and lied too as he doesn't know his wife was not born female. ( lies do nothing but hurt later so hate that view of her's) Wife's cousin is a stereo typed T girl who if you don't wear make-up ,dresses, and pumps you'r not female. Lot's of Tgirl's thank you have to destroy the life you had as a male Or family has too forget you was. Slong as they accept me I don't care how you do as long as you do if you don't want to see me as Stacie it's ok. They have had years with me as male not many with Stacie ( 3 years sence I came out ). I don't expect them to forget him or care they don't forget the stories of his life. to do so would hurt in itself I don't want to forget my football, baseball, and troubles I had as a male to me it's there memory's and in the end thats all we have to rember us by. So if you live in Indiana usa or have a ATT&T cell would love to talk to other girls ( always wan't friends) send me a email and I'll give you more info. [email protected] is emal add. also hootysmurf34 or staciej34 are my yahoo messenger accounts ( on hootysmurf34 the most 24/7)

[makyo]

Do you have any trans friends around you to talk too?

I don't have any trans friends and wish I did (anyone in the Toronto area?), that's why I'm glad I found this place. I've chatted with other trans people just once before in Second Life (I have a female avatar there since long time although I don't "play" SL very often).

When I think about if I want to die as a man or as a woman I honestly think that the gender doesn't matter and that I would be more concerned with dying and having attained some understanding about the nature of life in general... but that's another story that has to do more with my spiritual pursues. BUT I still think it is a good question in regards of finding out about my gender issues, thanks! It is helpful.

I will be making an appointment for counselling soon, but also I appreciate this opportunity to chat with all of you.

[CharleneT]

Welcome Makyo !!


Toronto has a very active TG community from what I've heard. Start with the local LGBT organizations and you should be able to find folks pretty fast. I think you will find that good therapy will help you sort out what it is that you want and whether or not that means any changes in life. In finding said therapist, you may want to ask if they have experience in dealing with TG folks. Not completely necessary, but helpful.

[Angel.Marie76]

Makyo, You are certainly on a good path if you are looking into counciling - at least in my opinion. I know that there are several folks out there that might argue the fact that therapists and psychologists are just a bunch of mental hogwash, however I can easily say that ever since I've had my therapist I've felt 100% better about myself and what I've been feeling all these years.... funny thing lately I've noticed is that my therapist has just been working on 'my other issues' lately, and that when I bring up TS/TG related issues, it's more like she's just guiding me to make the best choices to move forward. Apparently after some time of analysis there really /isn't/ or wasn't a choice, or perhaps I never saw one in the first place, so she's just been helping me LIVE as opposed to being so worried about transitioning. Once I came to that realization... that's all I do.. I just LIVE what I feel.. the rest just falls in to place as life sees fit.

I suppose I should add that my therapist is also 20-years post-op MtF. When we've talked here about experienced therapists with comfort with Gender Identity Disorder and such, it was a miracle finding her.

I agree with what a few others have said too.. the idea of 'how you would feel on your deathbed' if I had to leave this plane of existence without having transitioned at some level. To just LIVE what's left of my life as the woman I've craved to be/feel/see since I was easily in my tweens, the thought of not having that ability is crushing, and yet the thought of living my life post-transition.. being able to just let my spirit run wild and free in this visibly-notable woman's body.. is enlightening. If I've felt for 20+ years that I've been operating in the wrong shell, I'll be d@mned if I'm going to spend another day longer than what I have to in it unmodified.

As far as sex, and having sex as- and attracted to-x, I've always felt like I was Bi, but I've never dived into it, being generally attracted to and dating women all my life. Over the year though the thoughts have become stronger, and the urges to test my waters have certainly floated to the surface. Do I feel I could live my life without my male parts working, personally, YES, otherwise I would not have invested in hormones and the the effort to physically transition. I've often found things like orgasm to be kinda overrated... yes.. yes, the moment is perhaps pleasurable, but to what end really? I've desired for a woman's body for years now.. and I feel like I could please and be pleased by means other than the male 'hardware' that I currently have.. why should I let its existence hamper my transition?

I think I've been rambling for a bit, but suffice to say, always, ALWAYS be comfortable with yourself, and never, ever rush into any of this. Be informed, be intelligent, and most of all BEEE Yourself! (ohh.. Robbin Williams as Aladdin's Genie. he he)

[jentg4u]

I am like you. I didn't know when I was young either.I was about 25 when Iknew I wanted to be a woman.I don't feel you're confused. We have to go where our desires
lead us.Then We'll know if it is what we want.Don't fight the feeling. It is ok to feel this way

[Elizabeth 66]

Do you enjoy putting on makeup all the time? TGs have to put it on all the time (unless they get their beards removed). If you wake up some days and want nothing to do with makeup then it may not be the path for you.


I take it you are talking about having to put the make-up on to look like a woman, as i am sure there are days even as a TG you may not feel like putting on your face, and want to just relax around the home. as i am sure many genetic woman do.

I think i have decided myself from reading all the posts i have already, that sexuality is a different issue, for me if i never had sex again it wouldn't matter to me as long i no longer have the feelings about myself that i have had for years, although i am sure that the choices i make in the next few months regarding my body, will in fact open more new chapters in my life than i could ever imagine, weather it be good or bad, and anyone embarking on this road to fulfilment needs to accept this on day one, because i am sure it will be too late when you get half way down the road.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Jeepers it has absolutely nothing to do with putting on make up or womens clothes every day!!

There are lots and lots of women that rarely put on makeup and wear jeans and sweatpants every day...

It's much more important to know yourself and to accept that you are going to have all kinds of new issues to deal with if you go down a ts/tg oriented path...

i think your answer to the deathbed question is very wise ..you will figure all this out in time, i have no doubts

[sandra-leigh]

Do you enjoy putting on makeup all the time? TGs have to put it on all the time (unless they get their beards removed). If you wake up some days and want nothing to do with makeup then it may not be the path for you.

I can't think of anywhere around where I live that I haven't been to in at least a skirt and forms and earrings, face mostly shaven -- but without a shard of makeup (unless maybe to cover razor burn.) I've been a number of places around in a dress and forms and earrings, shaved-in-the-morning -- but with no makeup. Though to be more clear, I do put on some lipstick about 1/3 of the time, even when I look more male.

Not wearing makeup regularly does not preclude you as being TG.

I am TG, and I am in the process of adapting the public to what I feel like wearing. What's the point of breaking away from the traditional binary gender differentiation if you are going to live your life and dress and wear the makeup that other people think you "ought to" wear ? Do you define yourself in terms of what other people expect of you, or do you define yourself based upon how you feel inside yourself?

I am refining my "style" through experience and feeling and intuition, and my "style" evolves over time. People get used to it, just like they get used to womens' fashions changing a few times a year.

If it makes any difference for the discussion: although I am TG, I do not classify myself as TS, at least not at this time. That might change as I explore myself more and experience more, but at present it seems more likely that I would end up living for a time "as if female" without necessarily feeling like I am completely female. It seems more likely that I will continue to feel like a mix -- but which parts of that mix I emphasize is likely to change over time.

My gender therapist emphasizes "Don't label yourself and then act according to what you think the label requires. Self-Identity derives from action and experience and exploration, not from labels."

Which takes us back to make-up: wear make-up if you feel like it (or if your circumstances require it); don't wear make-up if you don't want to. People don't look at you and say "Oh, I see some eye-shadow, must be female!". And it isn't the absence of facial hair either: Italian and Spanish and Yugoslavian women not infrequently have noticeable moustaches -- and remember how many of the Great Beauties of the last couple of centuries have had Italian or Spanish heritage.

[Melissa A.]

doubt is natural..some folks say they knew all along, but in my real life experience, many ts women say they were confused, or knew something, or never connected the dots

the idea that "To be TS, you have to know from your first thoughts that you were a girl" did great damage to me...
I didnt feel this way...but i felt that i was ripped off by being a guy..i plotted and planned becoming a woman, i fantasized about being a woman, and wore my moms clothes at every opportunity from my earlies memory

but never thought "i am a woman"..thats just how my 6 yr old brain figured this all out...

when i read about ts'ism and saw a therapist in my 20's..i was "diagnosed" as a crossdresser..i felt even more lonely and isolated because I assumed that i was "stuck" as a crossdressing guy because i couldnt say "I know" i'm a woman...UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So true, Kaitlyn. Not "knowing" at 6 years old doesn't mean a thing. Not "knowing" as an adult doesn't mean a thing. I thought I was female, that my brain looked for a female, that my relationship with my body was somehow strange and wrong, but I didn't "know" squat until I seriously started looking at myself, and trying to be honest. Maybe it's my generation, my culture, my excessive need for denial for so long...but the cliche story of the child who "knows" from the get-go doesn't have to be you, and lack of certainty doesn't make a "diagnosis".

My sexual attraction to men developed long before hormones, but well into life, and was a complete surprise. It still confuses me. But one thing I know(yeah, I do know one or two things!) is that it has no bearing on who I really am. If I never have sex again, or if I become a little nymphomaniac, None of that matters if i can't be me.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Traci Elizabeth]

There are so many different roads we travel and all different levels of being so-called "Trans." One no better or worse than another.

All you can hope for in life to to be yourself, whatever that may be, and to be happy.

Your confusion is natural and I will not pre-suppose an answer for you other than I would like you to understand that no matter which road you choose in your quest it will be right for you and never regret the journey. Because each step you take you will learn more about yourself and learn from your experience.

I wish you well.

[makyo]

You are such a bunch of lovely people! Thank you so much for your beautiful and insightful words! They really help me a lot since this is the first time I share my struggles with someone like you who are on the same path... of course, you all are well ahead from where I am.

I agree that the best is to avoid any self-labelling and trying to fit that label. Bringing out your true heart, your true self is where the work should be put on... and then accept it and bring it to it's full expression (I'm going through that difficult process right now). Indeed, what is it that makes you a woman? Is not the make up since as I and some of you said, there are women who don't wear it... well, there are women who even behave less feminine as I do sometimes! and they are beautiful and complete women. So the spectrum of what defines you as a woman is so wide and I agree that whatever that being a woman is you have to let it evolve naturally and with a sincere heart.

Cheers!

[makyo]

well, yesterday evening, overnight and today I was able to spend the whole time dressed as a woman... which I usually can't do since I don't live alone. I felt such a deep peace! Also I tried very hard to imagine that I already was transformed and had SRS, and at some point I was able to really believe it and feel it... it's so strange but when I did this I felt a very strong excitement and a very strong "butterflies in my belly" sensation... coming from I don't know where, it was very strange since I've never felt something like that before.

So by the end of the day I had to remove the clothes since they weren't the right size and they where too tight... then realized that the clothes were completely irrelevant... I felt that whatever I'm dressing I am what I am... I felt like a woman dressing men's clothes! Never really felt this with such strength...

anyways, just wanted to share this with you. feel free to comment if you want.

[Lover girl]

I think your situation is very simalar to mine. I love girls but they don't seem to want anything to do with me. I have been cd ing here and there but lately I've gone overboard on cd ing to fill a void in my life. This fall I turn 50. I haven't been with a girl since 1987. I've never had a desire to be with a man but my views on that are changing. I don't know what I should do. So far just hide my thoughts and feelings. I think getting help with my emotions would be a good start. It seems that this is a place that I can share these thoughts and not be shunned anymore than I have been already. I welcome any advise that anyone has for me.Lover girl!!!!!

[Lauren B]

I felt like a woman dressing men's clothes! Never really felt this with such strength...

anyways, just wanted to share this with you. feel free to comment if you want.

I know exactly what that is like. Until recently, I had the whole "well, what if I get funny looks" thing going on when shopping for clothes, then realized that even though I have a male's body (for now), I'm simply shopping for clothes that I feel good about wearing. I literally feel dull and "blah" when wearing men's clothes. They're not "me".

[~Michelle~]

If you wake up some days and want nothing to do with makeup then it may not be the path for you.

People who want to be a woman, want this because of how they feel and not because of their need for wearing make-up.