What was you breaking point ? ? ? ? ?

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Sisters & Brothers: I know that most of not all of us have been dealing with our Gender Dysphoria/Gender Confusion since we were old enough to realize that we were not like everybody else.

And I know that most if not all of us tried to cope the best we could - mainly through hiding, denial, shame, guilt etc.

But at some POINT, each of us reaches a breaking point where we can no longer hide or deny our true selves. I always admitted that I was a crossdresser, but I adamantly refused to admit or accept the fact that I was Transgendered/Transsexual and HAD to become the woman that I was born to be.

My BREAKING POINT came about 7 months ago. Even my crossdressing desires had been suppressed for several years until they returned about 3 and a half years ago. And when those desires/urges returned, they did so greater than ever before. I began to become increasingly aggitated and especially depressed and it all related to my NEED for my real female side to emerge. I became increasingly depressed to the point of being suicidal, really suicidal. I was taking 5 major anti-depressants per day, a mood-swing stabalized and had constant severe migraine headaches. About 7 months ago, I quit fighting. I finally admitted to myself that I am a woman.

For the next 5 months, I tried to deal with my ACCEPTANCE of myself as really being a woman instead of a man. I found that I could not deal with this alone. So, since the first week in February of this year, I broke down and admitted that I needed help. That is when I began seeking out and being treated by my Gender Therapists. That has been the BEST thing I ever did for myself.

Once I ACCEPTED myself and realized that IT WAS ALL RIGHT to be this way, I have been able to go off all anti-depressants. I no longer have migraines.
And I have started my transition journey. These past 10 weeks have been the best time in my whole life --- even though it has come with a hugh price - losing my spouse, my home, my business, my career, my old friends - well you all know all about that too.

But I guess my REAL QUESTION is " What is it that drives us to that breaking point ?" Why is gender dysphoria or gender confusion so powerful ? Why does it become the controlling part of our lives ? Why does it make us depressed ? Why can it drive us to the very brink of suicide ? What is it about gender that can control our whole lives ?

Does any of this make sense ? Did you ever wonder WHY ? Why is this so powerful that we have to give up our spouses, our families, our homes, our careers, our friends, our finances ? What is it about "gender confusion" that does this to us ? Why ?

Now that I have shared my story with you, it helps me to know that I may not be the only one that this has ever happened to before.

What was your BREAKING POINT ? Why have you HAD to transition or start to transition or feel that you are going to have to transition ? WHY do we seem to have NO CONTROL over this ?

JoAnne Wheeler

[Stephenie S]

That quest for "why" is the remnants of your male self showing through.

I understand that this is a horribly simplistic attitude, BUT, "WHY" is a male attribute. Girls just feel. Relax hon, and let go of your masculine desire to know why. The answer isn't there anyway.

Look, when a guy gets in his car and it won't start, he immediately starts to think about why it won't start. Battery? Gas? Plugs?

When a woman gets into her car and it wont start, she doesn't give a hoot WHY it won't start. She just wants it to start, and off she goes to call the mechanic.

This maniacal desire to know WHY is a guy thing. Let it go. Relax and enjoy it.

Stephie

[JoAnne Wheeler]

That is a good respone Stephenie - I am dealing with 65 years of male baggage. It apparently takes longer than 10 weeks to shed all that baggage. And I did not realize that I was still caught up in the baggage.

Good response,

JoAnne

[Traci Elizabeth]

My experience was the exact opposite of yours. My cross-dressing was always a very positive experienced for me and just felt very natural. I have always felt like I was a girl and must of had very low "T" as my body has always been pretty much hairless except for a full head of hair on the top of my head, very smooth and soft skinned and almost no facial hair.

And since I have waited until I retired (early retirement) to transition and have the full support of my wife, this has been a very positive happy transition for me. Now, I don't want to mis-lead you as I too have situations I need to overcome such as "other" family members knowing I am a Trans-woman which I don't know if I will ever tell them specifically. That verdict is still out. I am still working on "passing" issues which although should not matter does to me because like any vain woman, I want to be as attractive as I can be.

But I was never depressed, never suicidal, nor felt any other medical conditions related to my gender identity.

I don't know which happens more frequently smooth transitions or a very ruff ones. But no matter how one transitions, all that matters is their ultimate happiness in the end. But as some have found, even that is not guaranteed if they transition for the wrong reasons.

Good luck Sweetie.

[Staciej]

My problem is im a perfationlist ( major diva as wife calls me) If its not 100% then it will drive me crazy. This is one of many the look of it (down bellow) drives me crazy I wan't it gone never wanted it. But we don't have a choice there. So we fix whats broke right? i have tried suicide to many times to count. Still get depressed I'm getting a overhaul soon. srs,plastic surgery, you name it. will be done lol

[Andy66]

JoAnne, that was a very well-written and powerful post. I'm sorry to hear you've been through so much, but glad to hear you're starting to sort it out. I wish you the best of luck for future happiness.

[Karen564]

I would reply to this if this was in the Safe Haven..but not here...sorry..
:hugs:

[mapletree]

I read you post a few times
i wonder if i have hit that point and I either have or maybe could there be more than one breaking point
i have surpressed may feelings for 40 or so years and also purged my clothing etc and during many of those years was i thought quite happy but so far i come back to me where I need to dress i do not have an answer but i guess as I write am also looking

[Faith_G]

The actual event: I started crying while cleaning off nail polish so I could go to work the next day. I decided I could not continue to live with the major emotional upheaval every time I changed my presenting gender. I need stability.

I think Stephanie's post is just a bit sexist. :doh: When this woman's car fails to start, she is damn sure going to find out why - and fix it so it starts next time.

[lingerieluver]

february 11 of this year when oprah had a former male high school football quarterback that became female in his/her late 20s and is now in her early 40s she's making a documentary about it called prodical sons and her name is kimberly reed

[lingerieluver]

it will be released on dvd this summer i guess and it's playing in select theaters/cities all over the country

[PortiaHoney]

The actual event: I started crying while cleaning off nail polish so I could go to work the next day. I decided I could not continue to live with the major emotional upheaval every time I changed my presenting gender. I need stability.

I'm with you Faith. I lost my wife, house and kids because I could not face who I really was. I was a closeted CD, but my wife and kids knew so I had a certain amount of freedom. But being in and out all the time just made me frustrated and depressed, but not really knowing why.

Then after being single for 2 years and attempting one more relationship which I knew inside was just not for me, I started accepting who I was and dressing more. Then, one Sunday evening, like you, I was putting away my female personna and sat down and cried. Instead of fighting the emotions, I let them flow and THAT was when I realised that I could not deny Portia any more. So, since that day, I have been working towards accepting who I am to the point I am going full time in a weeks time.

It really scares me about going FT, but I have heard so many wonderful stories and had so much acceptance from my true friends that I now have the confidence to face those fears. I don't know if I need to go down the SRS track, but the more female I become, the more female I need to be.

Huggs

Portia :hugs:

[TerryTerri]

I'll try to be concise. For most of my life, I did not realize my t-girl self existed. I had urges to crossdress, and did on occasion. But, it was done with feelings of guilt, remorse & shame. About 10 years ago things happened which gave me the epiphany that crossdressing does not harm anyone. That realieved most of the guilt, remorse & shame. But, family situations required me to keep crossdressing to a hidden minimum.

About 4 years ago, I woke up one morning with the INTENSE desire to be female. It was a completely new and omnipresent drive for a few weeks. It finally subsided but returned on occasion. Overall though, I found myself to be in a slow downward spiral of depression. Everything I tried to do, did not work, I simply became more depressed. Then, when I caught myself having suicidal thoughts, that was my "Breaking Point" so to speak. I knew my issues were gender related, but I honestly didn't know what my answers were. I did know at that point that I was willing to honestly look at them and see where the path took me.

My gender therapist basically gave me the affirmations that I was OKay and that I really was transgender. She helped me to see my own truth by helping learn the right questions to ask myself and having me examine my past in gender contexts. It was pretty obvious once I had a better understanding of what to look for. As a matter of fact, it has become completely undeniable. I am a trangendered person and that is a fact. My next question is then what I'm gonna do about it?

I did start a hormone regime and I can not say enough about the wonders that has done for me. For me, the hormones are not about changing my physical appearence (that's okay too) but, it's about aligning my thoughts and emotions with my female self. I have never felt better in my entire life that I can think of. It makes sense to me in that the hormones greatly diminish the internal fracture of being a girl in a boy's body and having to deal with testosterone instead of estrogen.

Anyway, I still do not know where my path is going to take me. My goal is to be comfortable and serene living inside my own skin. It is not a given to me that I will transition. Although, I do not rule it out and I do understand that it appears the majority of us do end up transistioning in the long run. Another thing about me is that I'm more of an internal introspective person than an extrovert anyway, so crossdressing itself is not so critically important at this point. I consider myself very lucky in that I have some really good friends who know, love me and help me. My bff (a couple of her pics are in my picture album on my forum page) is such a treasure. I learn so much from her. I get to experience and learn so much about being girlie and female from her and the wonderfully ironic thing is that she really enjoys our girlie time together also, because she doesn't have any other friends that she can just hang out with and do the girlie things like we do and she like being a girl and doing girlie stuff.

Anyway, one last thing is that this has cost me a marriage to the mother of my 2 boys. We were always respectful and truthful to each other, and I think due to that, it has not been an angry, mad kind of divorce. It has been sad. But, she accepts me and as best she can she does understand. I accept her and understand that the path I am now on is one she can no follow with me. Basically, to be smalshy, we have let each other go out of love and the sincere desire to see the other happy and joyous and the knowledge that it can't happen with us being together.

The worst effected and most innocent victims are the 2 boys (ages 8 and 5). My ex and I diligently work as best we can on them and their life. Just because we are no longer husband and wife, doesn't mean we are no longer Mom and Dad! I pray, as parents, we are able to give them the love, guidance, and support that any parents desire to give their kids.
Okay, hope that answered your question and I hope you are able to chart a path to your happy destiny!

[noeleena]

Hi .
That ?? of... why ...really never had any meaning to me .
Because i just knew i was different really thats all i knew ,

i did not see my self as a boy or a girl a bit strange i spos , this now get s contrary , i did not know why i was not like the girls , at age 10 i did not know there was a differance All i can say i had a mind block & the truth is i dont have any memory from age 5 back & not a lot up to age 7 .

What i know now is im androgynous & even the word ment nothing to me till just over 3 years ago . about the time i was able to use the computer .
Age 10 till age 50 .
i did not dress as a woman im not t s or t v . so really nothing happened , a few times i tryed on womens clothes i thought hey this is okay .
On one particula day some thing happened in side of me i was out in the shed & i thought oh ill try those clothes on & after a while some thing like a clock does changes the bits in side to click over the time & all , it happened & i thought & said to my self its happening isnt it,
i said like i was talking to some one , yes you are going to live as a woman for the rest of your life , & i thought oh no its all happening .
this may sound strange & no dought it does , well this was the begining of my real life if you like . i did know from deep with in my self it would happen how , when ,i had no idear just that it would . yes i knew i was different just not this different . thats all.

Age 50 , yes does driven mean any thing it does for me i was driven , & yes i hate to say it suicide it was all there , for me its all or nothing . i went with all ,

I told Jos i was a woman from then on we had 8 years of pure hell . & make no mistake it was . psychologically & emotionally ,oh yea it was .
i still did not ? as to why . i thought this is who i am so ill be who im ment to be .did i have a choice , hence the woman was able to come out & live , yet i had this male back ground how do i live am i a woman or a male i contended with that for 9 years . not really knowing . till as said enter computer ,
the word came up in converstion , oh whats this, androgynous. still made no sence , then i put it all to gether , oh heck im both male & female .
Hey this is so neat . you have to remember i was thinking as im wired male & female just did not see it . did i have the im a female inside a male body . no or the other way . no,
so in my words its not maths , 60 % male 60 % female ,

yes i had some bits & missed some no womb tho thats my biggest disapontment thats very hard . so yea im mixed up, & iv learned to live with that . bloody hard i can tell you .

so for 12 years iv lived as a woman been accepted as one & ,
subconsusly i knew i was / am a woman with that male as well so did not have to go through that mind thing of gender dyshoria like so many , or may be i saw it differently ,

i know one of my friends going back to the 60 s knew i was different & was not surprised when i went on the T V in n z & she told me not long ago . funny as i did give out signals of my female side . just people would not take up on that .

I know some would say im a t s because iv had h r t , s r s & b a . that did not sit quite right with who i am, any way thats me .
I live as a woman im 62 & will be 63 in aug, & 12 years as a woman ,


You know because we are all different, we can see that we all see things differently & for me tho the net & all was to late as far as i was concerned because i had allready been living as a woman & was changeing,
i did not know there were so many people who were trans what a mind opening that has been & to meet & see others that has just been so so neat , any way this is just a part of my life .

...noeleena...

[Rianna Humble]

Sisters & Brothers: I know that most of not all of us have been dealing with our Gender Dysphoria/Gender Confusion since we were old enough to realize that we were not like everybody else.

And I know that most if not all of us tried to cope the best we could - mainly through hiding, denial, shame, guilt etc.

But at some POINT, each of us reaches a breaking point where we can no longer hide or deny our true selves.

What was your BREAKING POINT ? Why have you HAD to transition or start to transition or feel that you are going to have to transition ?

I guess I'm another one who isn't so concerned about the WHY, but I would like to share my experience. I'm sorry that this will be a longish post, please feel free to skip it.

My earliest memory of knowing I was different was about the age of 8 or 9 having a recurring dream of getting married in church - except I was the Bride! (I never did see the face of the groom). I tried on some of my mum's stuff but she found out and was devastated - so I just plain denied it. Later I got involved with a religious group who made me think that my desire to dress & be like a woman was somehow sinful and "dirty", so I plunged even further into denial.

Every now and then I would give in to the urge and sneak some time dressed in a friends clothes without her knowledge, but I always felt desperately guilty about it afterwards. This spiral of denial, giving in and guilt continued for a few decades, but it also affected my ability to form lasting relationships. Looking back I always noticed that girls looked on me more as a big sister than a potential partner. They would tell me things that they wouldn't share with male friends and more than one told me that she could tell me things she wouldn't have been able to discuss with her brother.

In my mid 40's I became a local councillor which forced me to go even further underground. Fast forward to my 50th birthday and I was beginning to lose sleep on a regular basis over feeling uncomfortable about myself. A couple of times I looked into things about cross-dressing, but mostly came up with the porno sites - which only increased the feelings of guilt.

Like most people, I confused transgender with transsexual, so I couldn't understand why the medical stuff referred to people who cross-dress as being transgendered - as far as I knew, I was a bloke who wanted to wear skirts & dresses (how little I knew) but at the same time I still saw it as something shameful.

About a year ago, I got so that I couldn't go a single night without waking up knowing something was wrong with me. The desire to wear skirts & dresses had become so strong that I thought I would have to "shame" myself out of the very idea. I went out and bought a skirt and changed into it to go home thinking that that would be an end to the matter. It was only the beginning of my real life.

I tried wearing the skirt to and from work so that jeers & catcalls would make me "snap out of it", but instead I got some encouragement and few catcalls. More to the point it just felt so right for me that the jeers were worth it. I reasoned with myself that at 53, I would make an "ugly old woman" and that I would rather just remain an "ugly old man" than go through the trauma of becoming the woman I had always known I was meant to be and I tried to convince myself that the occasional dress or skirt would suffice.

By the time I found this site last autumn, I knew that I wasn't going to stop at a couple of skirts, a dress and some frilly knickers, or even at the pedicures I had started having regularly. Then at Xmas a GG who worked for the same manager as me asked me why I wasn't wearing "something more comfortable" than a man's suit to the staff party. further discussions with her in the New Year encouraged me to come out to work although I am currently in a limbo where my cross-dressing is accepted on the three "dress-down" days each week but not on the formal dress-code days.

In the last couple of months, it has got to the stage where I feel physically sick every time I have to return to wearing male clothing. To my mind, that has now become the cross-dressing, not when I wear female clothing. Laying the groundwork for where I will be able to seek professional help - initially through my doctor - has taken a lot of time and won't be complete for about 4 or 5 more weeks of hell. I live with my 88 year old father and he now knows a little about what I am going through, but even he doesn't know the true extent of my torment.

As I type, I am in work wearing a lovely red dress, pink frilly knickers, sandal-toe tights, deep pink nail varnish and red 4 inch peep-toe stilettoes and it just feels the most natural thing in the world for me. I'm not sure exactly where the breaking point was, but I definitely can't go back to the way I was.

[Myojine]

one of My most drastic moments was the day i was 15 years old and holding a serated knife to my neck, with ever bit of hate and rage in my tears becuase i couldnt stand being a stupid guy any longer. the fear of pain stopped me, and instead i downed a bottle of pills. no one cared, no one bothered looking for me, but for some stupid reason i woke up 3 days later.
it had to have been somehting bad for a 15 year old to want to die so bad...
thinks onky escelated over the years until i was 17 and i started dreaming(day dreams and while asleep) of being pregnant, and an unstoppable desire to have children. i have never changed my mind, i have wanted two daughters since i was 17. the inability to get pregnant and the servere drepression from it helped me and a therapist connect extremely well as we shared experiance and feelings. i think the biggest and most true awakening was when i headed to basic training for the army
100% male quarters not a female insight.
and i found out just how diffrent men were behind close doors. it was utterly discusting, and confounded me as to why they would act like that, i was soon confronted by one of the other dudes"sorta privately" about why i acted so.. different... it soon came out that i felt like a female and the funnything is later down the road, one of my best friends in basic, we were at a breifing and the instructor asked if there were any females(obvious no). But his point was that the female bathroom wouldnt need to be cleaned.
my friend later told me that when the instructer asked that He thought of me and almost raised his hand.
i realised that i was definately not one bit at all male. i was entirely different.
even a gay guy was in our platoon and he acted the same as them i was the only "female" in 244 guys, i was the odd girl out.
i dont realy sea a breaking point becuase ive broken down serveral times over stupid simple things relating to females and thepure jelousy and depression was unbearable.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Joanne

Nothing wrong with asking WHY....but you'll never really know and it won't change anything ...

there is a saying that i used to hate, but i understand it better now...someone said to me a couple years ago, "oh dear, it sounds like you bell has rung" in hindsight it makes more sense than i thought...one thing i have noticed is that if you accept that turn of phrase and you meet folks after the bell rings, there is no escape...this sounds so stark and daunting, but i find it to be true...i'm not saying that the person has to transition, i'm saying that person has to get very serious about dealing with it, usually after many many years of suffering in silence, or repressing yourself...and we all know this can be a brutal time in our lives.

as far as the event?, there is a day that i can't remember when i went from constantly and forever obsessing about being a woman to needing to be a woman...

i spent more and more time crossdressed and out and about, and got more and more depressed...i never related to men although i was a terrific pretender, and now i was finding that i didnt relate to most of my cd friends...one overriding concern for me was how i looked and i felt i could never be accepted and like many here, i considered ending it all, but frankly, i beleive that route is cowardly at best

so here i am...and i wake up every morning and i know who i am, just a girl with lots of problems..

[lizlizzie]

That quest for "why" is the remnants of your male self showing through.

I understand that this is a horribly simplistic attitude, BUT, "WHY" is a male attribute. Girls just feel. Relax hon, and let go of your masculine desire to know why. The answer isn't there anyway.

Look, when a guy gets in his car and it won't start, he immediately starts to think about why it won't start. Battery? Gas? Plugs?

When a woman gets into her car and it wont start, she doesn't give a hoot WHY it won't start. She just wants it to start, and off she goes to call the mechanic.

This maniacal desire to know WHY is a guy thing. Let it go. Relax and enjoy it.

Stephie

You must know too many independent, self-sufficient woman. If my car doesn't start I certainly want to know why, you think I am going to let some mechanic rip me off? Women ask why all the time. We are the self-examiners, the problem solvers, the negotiators, the mothers, sisters, wives, girlfriends. In fact, if we are going to make a generalization, guys hate to be asked why. On a healthy level, counseling is all about examining the what and why in you life. I think Joanne asks very relevant questions.

[gillian1968]

Diagnosed with cancer in 2008. Time to start dealing and stop pushing this thing aside, over 30 years it never went away, it's not leaving now. If I had died without having at least tried to deal with this, I couldn't have lived with myself :D

Cancer was dealt with, recovery took some time but went well.

The past couple years have been so liberating for me. My transition has been very slow because I won't sacrifice the well-being of my family by jeopardizing our finances, no matter how stressed I feel. But I am also well supported by my family.

Saw "Prodigal Sons" at the Bloor St. Cinema in Toronto last month, a nice story but wasn't expecting so much focus on her brother. Was glad I saw it though. Found and borrowed "She's a Boy I Knew" tonight, found it quite good as well. Both stories are different but equally thought provoking.

Looking forward to some of the films in the LGBT category at the documentary festival in Toronto next week.

[RockerTerri]

I dont post here much, but here goes.

The "Breaking Point" for me came when I was 30 years old. I was in a relationship at the time (which ended due to unrelated issues) and working at a job I HATED and had hated for the last 8 years. One day I just said "screw it" and quit. Like most of you, I had known I was "different" for a long time, but never had known how to address it due to chronic lack of information.

I returned to college (that was 3 years ago, Ill graduate in another year!) and decided, after finding some good information and speaking with some people at school (other Trans students) I decided to change. I knew that the younger you start, the better the physical results will be, and didnt wanna look back when I was 40 and say "wish I had done this 10 years ago".

So I changed my name, told my friends, and began attending school in a sort of androgenous mode. When I told those who have known me long-term, they just kinda smiled and said "you know, that explains a LOT" and were cool with it; every single person in my life. Wasnt really expecting 100% positive responses, but there it is.

As far as having no control, well, we dont. Period. This isnt something I can turn on and off, It is part of who I am, for well or ill, and will ALWAYS be part of who I am; Ive known that for about 25 years. There have been times where I really reaaaaaly hate it, and I have to say life would probably be easier if i wasnt TS, but hey, then I'd just have a different set of problems, no?

It is OK to be the way we are; it isnt a culture bound syndrome, nor is it some form of defect. Its just us, and there have been transpeople all over the world for thousands of years. Crossdressing often dosent help, because clothing or hair or makeup DO NOT DEFINE GENDER. Sure, theyre part of the dominant cultural image of gender; but there are many things at work here. Our brains know this, and know there is something missing; Is it the freedom to wear a skirt if we wish? Long hair or short? Part of it maybe, but its deeper; for me, it began to "feel real" when people began opening doors for me, calling me "miss", and 10^23 other bits of everyday life that nontranspeople simply never notice. And we dont notice them either, until they begin to change.

I am getting the feeling that you havent spoken to many people about this, but recommend you at least talk with a close friend (dont jeopardize friendships, but most of us know those who we can trust from those we cannot) or better yet, a psychologist who is familiar with gender issues. Note I do not use the term "gender disorders" as, once again, there IS no disorder. We are no more abnormal than anyone else; abnormality IS a culture bound syndrome.

Ive been fulltime for well over a year, and on HRT for about 6 months. And every day I feel like "wow, Im ME. Finally." No going back now.

Take care!