Why am I so frightened to go out?

[Lucy Long Legs]

Why am I so frightened to go out?

I have been a CD since a teenager and those who have seen me think I'm fairly convincing. I would absolutely love to go out dressed but the thought terrifies me. Why?

I've considered these possible answers:

Fear of being outed. That doesn't worry me.

Fear of seeing someone I know. It's unlikely they would recognise me in drag.

Fear of being molested. Why should anyone?

Fear of being overpowered. Possibly.

Fear of wanting to do it all the time. Also possible.

I have an opportunity to go out soon, once again, but I know I'll shy away from it.

I always like to dress in a very feminine manner (which suits me) - perhaps I should start by wearing trousers, but I wouldn't enjoy this at all.

I would love to hear from those who have overcome their fear, and from those who haven't.

Lucy

[Danielle Gee]

Lucy:: I understand your fear because I feel the same way. I too feel I'm borderline passable ( from 500 ft by near-sighted people). I'm looking forward to reading the responses form you post - "GREAT QUESTION"

Danielle

[Renelle]

I'm not even close to passable, but I think about this a lot, and sympathize completely. My biggest fear would be getting recognized by someone who just wouldn't understand.

I wore panty's to work once and haven't done it since. I guess I'm a big chicken, but I really wasn't very comfortable with it. I guess being around strangers seems a lot easier because I don't care what they would think.

[gabimartini]

Lucy,

These fears are normal. No matter how long you've been CDing for, you always present to society as male, and therefore have a male social persona. To go out and present as female means crossing a huge psychological bridge. You will be out of your comfort zone, and that by itself tends to be paralyzing.

However, there's a big reward if you do cross that bridge. Being seen in public and have people identify and address you as female is a feeling I can't begin to describe with words. Things start making sense, as the outside general perception finally matches what you feel inside.

The bad news? It better be done in one clean swoop, much like removing bandaid from the skin. It will hurt for a bit, but hopefully be over soon. That's how I did it anyway. Knowing myself, I knew there wouldn't be any other way, as I would endlessly create excuses not to.

So, put together your best look, grab your purse and go out for a drive, see how that makes you feel. That alone should be a good experience, you'll be able to build on it!

Good luck!

[LisaElizabeth]

For me, it was 'fear of the unknown'!
It is unknown what will happen if you leave the security of you home / room.
Your first time out will be both scary and exhilirating. After an hour or so you will realize that most people don't notice you, unless you are dressed in bright colors and a micro-mini! (I guess a leather cat-suit would draw attention too....)
But what you will notice is that no one is pointing their finger and laughing, there aren't mobs of villagers armed with sharp farm implements chasing you down the street, one or two brave sould may come up and talk to you, but for the most part you will be left alone to visit and dance and have a drink.
Definitely find a friend to go with. I went out the first time with my wife and a girl named JanetK. We met on a forum, used the same transformation salon in the Chicago area and have been girlfriends for 8 years now!! we manage to get together about once a year, due to our schedules, but it is always good to see her!!
Or you can find a 'T' group for your first outing, if they meet at a hotel meeting room, then you can stay at the hotel and just go from your room to the meeting and then decide if you wish to venture further or not.
All in all, it will be up to YOU! When you are ready to go out, you WILL find a way to do it!!
Lisa E

[Lainie]

I go out whenever I get an opportunity--not every month, but several times a year. It normally is scary at the outset. Once you're out, it's not so bad.

I take some obvious precautions: avoid scary, isolated places; shop & dine in small places without crowds (although eventually I have gone to the mall); go away from your neighborhood if you are worried about being outed; go to gay-friendly neighborhoods if you can.

Be prepared: dress comfortably; be sure you have ID & credit cards in your purse; take a bottle of water (elevated pulse rate makes me thirsty); plan your route, especially if you intend to change clothes while out of the house; be on the lookout for unisex restrooms, often found in small restaurants.

All the above is mostly to calm my fears. Once I'm out, people, especially SAs & waitstaff are likely to be friendly, welcoming, and encouraging.

Good Luck!

[jenifer m.]

my biggest fear used to be being read,but i guess the only real fear now is seeing someone who i know,and having them recognize my car,and put two,and two together,then they would out me to every one i know.but then again if that happend i wouldent have to worry any more.every body i know would just write me off as a weirdo from then on.and i would find out real quick who my real friends are.

[StaceyJane]

I used to let fear control me and keep me inside. I wanted to go out so much but I couldn't bring myself to.
Gradually I worked on a little bit at a time. First driving around the neighborhood then longer drives.
I finally got the courage to suddenly just do it and walk out of my car. I haven't looked back since.
Check out my youtube videos and you will see that I don't pass but since I go out with confidence I don't have any trouble.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Lucy,

These fears are normal. No matter how long you've been CDing for, you always present to society as male, and therefore have a male social persona. To go out and present as female means crossing a huge psychological bridge. You will be out of your comfort zone, and that by itself tends to be paralyzing.

However, there's a big reward if you do cross that bridge. Being seen in public and have people identify and address you as female is a feeling I can't begin to describe with words. Things start making sense, as the outside general perception finally matches what you feel inside.

The bad news? It better be done in one clean swoop, much like removing bandaid from the skin. It will hurt for a bit, but hopefully be over soon. That's how I did it anyway. Knowing myself, I knew there wouldn't be any other way, as I would endlessly create excuses not to.

So, put together your best look, grab your purse and go out for a drive, see how that makes you feel. That alone should be a good experience, you'll be able to build on it!

Good luck!

Gabby,

You make some wonderful points about how great it is to be out and addressed as your fem-self but I disagree that all or nothing is the only way to get there.

I started very slowly, Gosh I still remember worring if someone could tell I had panties on from the VPL. :) Anyway, one thing lead to another and after about 12-18 months I was out shopping and it hit me...I was dressed totally as Jenny and was loving it, interacting with sales girls, and just enjoying who I was in the moment.

So, Lucy enjoy becoming who you are inside, be careful where and when you go just like any girl should and don't let your fears prevent the joys that are yours Good Luck Sweetie

[TxKimberly]

I think you are overlooking a significant contributer to this fear - your life long programming. All of your life you have been surrounded by subtle and not so subtle hints and statements that "This is for boys and this is for girls", and "boys do not do this", and "only girls wear this or that". You are trying to overccome a lifetime of social programming and taboos.
For me it was a gradual progression. 25 years ago it was all I could do to just peak out of a door, with my heart pounding in my ears. Then I would sneak to my car and go for a drive, feeling secure in the knowledge that should an uncomfortable situation arise, all I had to do was drive away. Then I progressed to going to TG friendly clubs. A few years after reaching that point, I was going anywhere I damn well pleased. By that way, reaching that point was fairly recent and in large part due to the influence of this forum. I think some of my earliest threads here describe my very first steps in to the world, my first trips to go shopping, my first time talking to people, first time checking in to hotels, my first time checking into an airport. Sigh . . . Suddenly I feel old . . . lol

[Vivian Best]

Going out dressed is like many other things we first learn, the more we do it the easier it gets. My personal experience is the same way. When I was able to get out I found it easier the more I did it. I'm retired now and my wife is retired so I don't get to do it much anymore. She knows I dress and has seen me dressed but she would "flip" if I went out dressed.

[Staci G]

I am Not passable to me at all even by nearsighted person at 1/2 mile but I do ok. anyway the thing I fear is being laughed at or mocked by people I come in contact with. I have had this happen and I just shrugged it off and went on. I go out when I have the opportunity and shop or grab a bite to eat get gas when I need it, I would rather not run out. I got over this fear by just saying screw it and going anyway, I am 52 and quit worrying about what they think. Good luck to your going out

[joann07]

I overcame that fear, by going out with an experienced crossdresser who took me under her wings and took me out shopping at the mall and then we dined out at a mainstream restaurant.

After I did that, I realized that if I don't act nervous, or look around to see if anyone is looking at me, and just go about my own business then people won't notice me.

Hugs!

[Annemarie]

I overcame that fear, by going out with an experienced crossdresser who took me under her wings and took me out shopping at the mall and then we dined out at a mainstream restaurant.

After I did that, I realized that if I don't act nervous, or look around to see if anyone is looking at me, and just go about my own business then people won't notice me.

Hugs!
I agree with Joanne, go with a friend who is in male mode, relax, try not to be self-conscious, act as if this is what you did everyday. Even if you are read, most people will be too surprised to do or say anything about it.

[msniki48]

Lucy,

So many of the girls have made so much sense as to why you fear this unknown, [trust me i still do]. One of the girls metioned you don't have to jump in, i agree. the interim step for me was attending a support group. this was a way to get past the front door, be in a safe haven, meet others of like mind, and work on my girly skills for going out. wearing womans clothes and acting female don't necassarily come automatically. attaining that female persona takes a little practice also. this is the perfect place to start.

2nd thing i noted here, is that there are 2 ways to go out in public. the 1st is in stealth mode. looking very passable so that very few people even take that second look..[ here is where that female persona helps alot] the 2nd way is the IDGAF attitude....lol For me this is the one i can't seem to master. so many of our girls go out without a care for what others think...i applaude them for their strong character, and someday i will find that middle ground, but for now... i am so happy to meet others, and talk girl talk, and compare notes at the support meetings


the imterim step [check the spelling on that] :heehee:


:hugs:

[AKAMichelle]

Fear is a very powerful force. It can keep you locked away in your prison cell never knowing how miserable you truly are. On top of all that, fear will keep you from escaping. Why do you want to spend your time living a lie? Being something that you aren't? Isn't it time that you be yourself?

I had the same fears. Family / Career / Friends I finally got to the point after many many purges that I had had enough. I was no longer going to be a victim of this cycle. I decided enough was enough. I quit purging - starting walking late at night in my neighborhood underdressed, then wearing women's clothes under a male jacket. Then drives while dressed. Eventually the fear reduces some, but will never completely go away. You read about TxKimberly's exploits of traveling all over the country while dressed, but if you read deep you will find situations she was uncomfortable with. That will always happen. I don't feel like I pass but I have gone out. Don't let your passability affect your going out. One of my friends has a website which shows her progression from the early days until now. In the early days she must have been read a lot. Today, I have played golf with her and had people ask if she was my girlfriend. We have played with women who just left me out of all of the conversations because they were busy with girl talk. See after 8 years and being very comfortable in her skin, she now passes.

See being passable taking a lot of practice. Consider yourself a teenage girl trying new things working on your image. It takes them many years before they begin to blossom and become a young woman. It will take you time and practice as well.

I was 48 years old before I went out the door dressed. I wasted a lot of time. I still feel scared from time to time, but I don't let that fear dictate to me what to do. I don't know how old you are, but how many more years do you want to spend in your prison cell before you try to escape. The jail cell door is unlocked and all you have to do is go out the door. Find a venue or situation that you would feel more comfortable with and just do it!

The biggest mistake you can make is being too afraid to make one!!

[Michelle-Leigh]

Lucy, you have absolutely nothing to fear but fear itself - and this is now coming from a T-girl who just returned from her 16th outing five minutes ago. Just get out and go, taking it by stages, and the fear will soon disappear ! Trust me, you'll be glad you did !

[Michelia]

Like Kimberly says. It is the way we have been brainwashed. The world is actually a lot friendlier than we realize. I wasted years in fear. I know not of what. There are posts on here of me talking about how I would never pass so I would probably never go out. I somehow tricked myself into believing the day that I would pass is the day when I would go out. I used to get depressed looking at all my clothes in my closet thinking they would sit there forever unused. And of course, I may never pass.


But one day I tricked myself into believing I passed instead. It does help to go out with someone. But if you do not have anyone do not let that stop you. I had someone go out with me the first time who pushed me and challenged me to it ....my 7 year old. I spent over an hour in the car waiting to get out into a store because I was paralyzed with fear. He finally said "Dad, you got five more minutes. or I am out of here!" Since then it has been a long series of baby steps. Now I laugh at myself because I do not understand what I was afraid of.

Someone said it in one of these posts. And I really believe it completely. I had heard it many times from the likes of Karren Hutton. The number one thing is confidence. I used to say "yeah, girl, it is easy for you to say". But I now know it makes all the difference. Just step out of that car and into wherever you are going like you own the place. Look at everyone and smile.

And one more thing, do not give up. Many times I chickened out on my objective, but I always tried again.

[slamddoger]

could it be the are that you live in small town if found out could cost some back lace if found out that you like to as women ?

[Dixie]

I feel ya girl. I felt the same way for years and could not explain my fear, I was just afraid. Once I finally did go out I was hooked, it became an obsession for me for awhile.
Well long story short I was forced to purge in a major way due to a divorce and living in my parents second home.They have a tendency to come in the house when I am not there, so who knows what they would find. I do still wear my favorite type of panties, and I have a cople of bras, garters, and stockings. I guess I only underdress for the time being. When I finally do amass some clothes and can venture out again I may be a little timid to do so,as the thought kinda scares me again.

[Sarah Doepner]

We see any change in the status quo as a potential for loss of something valuable. It's a survival trait I think that sits in be back of the brain and keeps us doing things that have been proven to keep us fed, safe and able to reproduce.

In Psychologist Maslow's heirarchy of needs, I believe our crossdressing may be in the last tier of "Self Actualization", so we have a lot of steps to overcome before we can actually make that kind of a committment. Fear would be our natural tendency as we attempt to make such a significant change in our psychology.

Take a look at the chart if you aren't familiar with it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Maslow%27s_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svg

[Chickhe]

The fear of being held back by fear the rest of my life drove me to face my fears. Grab your fear by the horns and confront it... trust me on this. Your whole life will get better.

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

I've been out and about for over a decade. I have no fear of going out now, although like all women, I am cautious about where I go and will change direction to avoid people who appear unfriendly.

In the beginning, it is about building self confidence. The fear that you experience is an expression of your lack of self confidence. As the self confidence improves, the fear subsides. If you gain enough confidence, the fear simply ceases to be there without you noticing.

I am well aware that others here will disagree with my suggestions below, but they worked for me and I know that they have worked for others as well.

Going out en femme is about getting enough confidence to even start going out, then building up that confidence by going out in controlled situations that allow you to enjoy the experience without having bad experiences.

Self confidence when crossdressing is much the same as self confidence in doing other things in life. In particular, the self confidence needed to get up and speak in public is remarkably similar to that required when going out en femme. One very effective way of improving self confidence in general is (in boy mode) to join Toastmasters or do one of their public speaking courses. This can make the difference in getting out the door for the first time.

Going to toastmasters en femme is an entirely different challenge. :)

First steps out en femme typically involve driving at night, going to visit a friend, going to a private meeting run by a CD support group, going walking during the day or window shopping in a shopping centre (mall). They are all options, and it is up to the individual to work out what is going to work for them.

One very difficult thing for many CDs to do is to dress down. The best way that I have found to build confidence in public is to dress to as close as possible to the average woman where you're going. That means average clothing style, average body shape for your size and age. Most CDs think that they look younger than their real age, but in the beginning, it's better to assume that you look like a woman around 5 years older than you are. The goal is to be so average that nobody takes any notice of you.

Obviously, most of us require considerable makeup to look female, but it is possible to tone that makeup down to a daytime look consistent with how other women around you look. If necessary, get a makeover to find out how to achieve this look. If most women are wearing no makeup, look for women who are, and copy their style. Most likely, that will be shop assistants or office workers but occasionally you'll see other women wearing makeup to cover extensive acne or scarring, port wine stains, etc.

Even if you don't like the look, adding enough hip and buttock padding, the right size of breasts and wearing the right clothes will allow you to go out and build confidence. As your confidence improves, you can add more style to your presentation, moving more towards how you want to dress.

When you can drop into the supermarket on the way home from dinner out, after 9:30pm, in a short dress and 4" stilettos without feeling any fear, you'll know that you've overcome your confidence problem. :)

[MargaretJ]

Lucy, going out is a great feeling. I started by going to a large car park at night, which was almost deserted, and just walked around near my car. This got me used to being out, and also to being out in heels. I've progresed to going out at night in the city and towns near me, using safe, well lit areas, with not to many people about. I also never considered womens trousers/jeans, preffering skirts, but I have found wearing womens trousers quite a sensual experience, and wear them occasionaly. The thing that finally made me get out, was being all dressed up, and no place to go. It just seemed such a waste to be looking and feeling great, and to be stuck in the house. Hope you can get out soon, and be safe.

[tamarav]

Fear is a strange thing. We wonder about it and are worried something yet to be determined will happen to us, but we don't allow it by staying frightened.

It is a big mistake to remain fearful of something you love. I spent way too many hours sitting in a car in a mall parking lot trying to get up the courage to dash inside and back out to the car. What I was doing was setting myself up for failure by appearing to be the victim.

I overcame that fear and now dress and work publicly as a Cosmetologist, making 20% of what I ever made before and loving every single minute of it. Oh, what I would have missed if I had let my fears get the better of me.

Now I drag my newly exposed CD friends out into the daylight and we have a ball!

[msginaadoll]

The unknown is always a powerful fear. The what ifs... What if people laugh or mock me, or worse i am physically threatened. What if my car breaks down or if someone sees me..... What if I dont pass. Well as in life most what ifs never happen. The passing thing was the hardest to deal with. Until I realized that I couldnt and had to accept that and just move on. That opened the dor to realizing I could be accepted and free going out as a CD, or as I consider it WLO(Woman like object) It looks vaguely like a duck so we will accept it as a duck. Just my two cents.

[Cathytg]

I also have a fear of going out enfemm. I really cannot say why any better then you. It's not a rational kind of thing and we both need to stop trying to understand it as if it were a clear and logical issue. I like Snicker's bars but I would not try to explain why because I can't.

My solution to overcoming the fear is to simply do it. I completely shutout th fear and plunge into the world. Once I take the first steps out, then I feel fine. I can't explain that either.

[Rachel Morley]

I think you are overlooking a significant contributor to this fear - your life long programming. All of your life you have been surrounded by subtle and not so subtle hints and statements that "This is for boys and this is for girls", and "boys do not do this", and "only girls wear this or that".
I agree with Kim's statement here. I think perhaps you might be worried that people are going to read you and then make judgments about you based upon society's gender behaviour expectations, which in turn might make you feel shy or even embarrassed (at first).

The more you go out and not have any incidents or negative feelings, the more your confidence will grow, and as your confidence grows the you can then push the envelope a little more on your en femme outings.

So my advice is to be nice to yourself. Gradually build up your confidence by going out with the best quality of feminine presentation you can do (good wig, good makeup and good feminine mannerisms) but at first wear and outfit (trousers or capris type of thing) that's not going to make you stand out as much, then after you get some confidence of just being out in public places en femme, then you can start turning up the heat a little bit by wearing the outfits you really want to wear (presumably feminine dresses, skirts and heels etc). Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day. One step at a time. Take your time and enjoy the journey :)

[Jill]

As usual, I am putting in my two cents without really having read the other posts.

It wasn't very long ago that I was absolutely mortified at the idea that anyone might find this out about me. Since January, I have been out and about a bit and though I was extremely nervous at first, I'm so glad that I did it. I haven't been out to much in any conspicuous places but I've driven on the freeway during rush hour and been out a little here and there. The feeling of being dressed without caring what others think and just enjoying myself is a liberating experience that I don't think I could duplicate any other way, I wish I had done this years ago.

I also think that it's very healthy to face our fears, it creates great opportunities for tremendous personal growth. You should go for it, you, you'll be glad you did.

[Angiemead12]

i live in a small town and fear being seen by people who know me yet dont know of my alter ego!

I also fear loosing respect of my staff at work!

I dont care about passing anymore, its hard to pass at 6'4! ive got big hands and big feet and a low voice, dont forget my adams apple! :P