Massively confused

[SandraAbsent]

I just joined this forum a few weeks ago, and already I am happy I landed here, although tonight I have a sad feeling. So fasten your seatbelts, this is going to take me a bit to get through.

I dont know when it really all started and I am amazed by the girls here who remember way back to their childhoods dressing in their moms clothes. I can only vaguely remember things like this, but i know where there were times I did it. It was only until I was an adult that I really started to feel the desire to dress. I will say that it has been a long process for me. I went through a very long stage of being addicted to porn, and feel that to some extent I still am, and its been my diversions that have lead me to where I am now. I delved into fantasies and fetishes of BDSM and being submissive. I really feel that this is what brought me to dressing. I dont think that I was ever really submissive, but my fem side needed an outlet, so i was drawn towards fantasies of being forced fem. I dont think that you can ever t be really be forced to do anything in a fantasy world unless you really have a desire deep to do it. I never acted out on these fantasies though. I did however start to act out on being dressed. So I started to dress fem and fought with it for a very long time. In this time I have tried to hide it from everyone, have purged a couple of times, and have failed at two relationships. I feel my relationships fail because I fight so many inner demons and my inability to be honest with my partners about my sexual desires and my feminine side inhibit my ability to really communicate with a partner. I dont think its remotely possible to have a good relationship without communication.

Throughout my life, I have always been attracted to a well dressed woman. To the extent that I have long considered a woman far more attractive fully clothed, than fully naked. I feel the same way about dressing, I have no desire to drop my panties for someone. I think the "junk" is just gross to be honest. The strange thing is for me is, I have always been straight and its only when I am dressing that I feel the desire to be with a man. I have only ever acted on this once, and my mouth felt messed up and my arse was sore for two days. I swore that I couldn't be gay because my first experience was miserable and I was more grossed out than anything. The problem is the more i dive into dressing, the more i fantasize about this. Whats strange for me is that I only fantasize about this being fem. Im sorry but guy on guy is disgusting and the female body is lovely and we men should consider ourselves lucky.

Well before I ramble on two long, I will get to the point. I am fighting with all this right now. Is my dressing a desire to be fem, or a desire to be gay, or am I really supposed to have been a girl? I am petrified of anyone ever knowing any of the above. Even if I really wanted to be 247 fem, I dont think anyone would accept me. My family is so important to me that being disowned by them would devastate me. I have had some health issues in the past, I fear that if I dont tell at least one person in my family and something were to happen to me this would lead to them having to clean out my apartment and discover my clothes and stuff. I feel really alone in my dressing. I want to go out, but where I live your choices are gay bars. I have no idea whether I am gay, or whether its just my new "suddenly fem curiosity." So for me going to a gay bar would be a giant leap of more than i can handle. I guess what it really comes down to is that I really just want one person I can confide in that would be understanding. I no longer have a SO and I am afraid if I ever do, she or maybe even he, would freak out on me. I will be honest here tonight girls, I am so freaked out and confused about myself that i dont even know where to begin. I am actually on the verge of tears. I know that doing what I have always done (binging, purging and stuffing my feelings) is the most destructive thing I can possibly do. I have so many unanswered questions at 38 years old, I dont even know which to try to answer first.

So I am officially messed up. I guess your words of advice an or encouragement would really be a big help.

xoxox
Sandra

[Philipa Jane]

Hi Sandra.
I guess I am about as qualified as anybody else here, but even so I shall not try to address your issues with platitudes.
Many of us would if we are honest with ourselves admit to confusion and mixed emotions at some stage.
You are the only one who can know if you are gay,but by the tone of your post it was an experiment that was not to you liking.
Why not embrace you feminine side and enjoy the satisfaction it brings you.

Whilst it is very nice to have a real person to converse with face to face outing yourself to anyone you do not totally trust could be disaster in the making.
Until you find somebody here that lives nearby we are the best outlet you could have.
I found this out many months ago and have enjoyed the people here for their generosity and support.
PJ

[Annaliese2010]

....I went through a very long stage of being addicted to porn, and feel that to some extent I still am, and its been my diversions that have lead me to where I am now. I delved into fantasies and fetishes of BDSM and being submissive. I really feel that this is what brought me to dressing. I dont think that I was ever really submissive, but my fem side needed an outlet, so i was drawn towards fantasies of being forced fem.Umm..where is it u say ur from? LOL... just kidding. And actually to set a tone - so you stop worrying so much - though that's understandable. All of what you said sounds pretty normal to me - except I've never been with nor have a desire to be with a man cuz yeah like...eww?! Whatever you discover you are, and it sure doesn't sound like you're gay, why be so tormented about it? Just strive to find those ppl who actually WANT a partner like you and don't waste your time struggling with those who object...so be open and honest from the get-go, is all. Boop boop de boop, problem solved! Wrt porn: its natural to use it when you must but too much of it takes away your natural drive to find someone to share yourself with in the context of a relationship. Having a lover or a physical friend who has some level of caring for you as a person, frames sex in an other-directed manner. Too much porn is caustic keeps you from the much more fulfilling experience that can only be had with another person. So (1) figure out what you like i.e. who you are, and (2) find someone that's compatible. If you're not sure, try everything till you are - with proper preparation, protection and hygiene, if it goes the gay way again. You never want to do anything that harms your bod, imo.

[Persephone]

Hi, Sandra,

I suspect that all of us have gone through, or are still going through, the world of confusion that you feel. What's interesting is that I don't think that is limited to just those of us who go through it with gender.

Questioning who and what and why we are is normal. I think it was Socrates (yeah, that weird old guy) who said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."

We experience it more dramatically because we live on one of the edges of a part that the majority believe is well defined territory. The truth is, it isn't as well defined as most people think, but their perception that it is certainly scares us.

You're actually kinda lucky, because now we have the internet and discussion forums like this. Like a lot of others here, when I was younger we had to muddle through all of this thinking that we were hopelessly unique - a gender of one - all by ourselves.

Yes, it can take us a long time to define who and what we are and then to become comfortable with being ourselves. It isn't easy, but it isn't awful either.

So welcome to the group of questioners. Sit down, relax, pour yourself a glass of wine and join the conversation. Here we're all normal.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[AlsoSamantha]

I'm no expert, but having gone through similar feelings and experience, I think I might have some perspective.

First of all, human sexuality is no where near black and white. It really is possible to be just a little bit gay, or occasionally bisexual. You don't need to put a label on yourself or decide what slot you fit into. People want what they want.

Secondly, if you should decide you want to explore this side of your sexuality, don't make the mistake of thinking it's an all or nothing proposition. Set the boundaries of what you're comfortable with. You don't have to do everything first time out, or ever for that matter. You know better than anyone what you're into.

Should you decide to try it with a man again, try to find one who is at or near your level of experience (the personals are full of them), and make sure it's someone you're comfortable with and actually like before you try anything physical.

Oh, and one other thing, ask any gg, men can be real assholes sometimes.

Don't beat yourself up with guilt, own who you are.

Good Luck

[Elizabeth 66]

I know how you feel, i have recently started to accept who i am. it is hard, only this morning i looked in the mirror and saw a man, and asked myself what i was doing, but i do know i have slept well every night since i joined this site and i wasn't before, it is a scary thing, becasue you are going against everything society tells you,

the only advice i would give you, is get some professional help, i know you are in the states so maybe somone on here can advise you on that,

Please take care of yourself, and remember we are here for you.

[SandraAbsent]

Thanks eryone for the words of encouragement and advice. Its funny how just getting something off your chest, changes your perspective. After a long night not being able to sleep, I exhaustedly came to the conclusion this morning to work on letting myself be who I am. Its funny because I logged back in here and its pretty much what everyone said here. It is a struggle to deal with things you have stuffed for so long. I wish I had a long enough arm that I could reach in pull it all out and just deal with it. This is the unfortunate to stuffing your emotions, the creep back much slower than you stuffed them:) But thank you all again, and i feel so welcomed here.

[Brandi Wyne]

Sandra,

The things you talk about are many but may all develop from your need to find out who you are. We each have a journey thorugh this life and for some of us, our realizations come only after experimentation and disappointments. For me, the act of dressing took on a strong sexual aspect. I was into porn, online sex and more. None of those things really left me feeling fullfilled so I kept looking and trying to find out who I am and where I am going on this journey.

There is no simple or single answer but don't give up. You are a beautiful person and you have very tender parts of your soul to share with the world. I only wish I had taken a more honest and direct route much earlier in life but, truthfully, I don't think I could really invision myself as I am in those earlier days.

:hugs:Hugs,

[Barbara_MacKenzie]

Hi Sandra,

Its perfectly natural to have fantasies, we all have them; not just on this site but everyone else out there, its a human trait. It would appear that when you lived out one aspect of your fantasy the reality wasn't what you thought it would be. Look on that as experience and learn from it, try not to punish yourself with guilt.

If you have always been attracted to well dressed women great, so have I (and I'm fairly submissive). Fem Dom is a form of role play and you may or may not enjoy it, again as an adult there is no shame in it.

I can understand your concerns, but you have come to the right place. Maybe some of the girls on here know of a local CD/TS group you could join, this could be really be useful to you and would prove that you're not alone.

Barbara

[Penny Lope]

The fact that you are even asking questions indicates that you are far more honest to yourself than most people will ever be. Persephone/Socrates was definitely right. Life is messed up. I've never met a single person who has completely figured it out. I've never met a single person that I thought was not messed up, and anyone who isn't asking questions about themselves is just not being honest.

I don't think I'm ever going to figure everything out. Figuring out life seems to be a life long project. And I have to agree that sexually isn't NECESSARILY a black/white issue. There's a whole of of gray in there. Some hit extremes. Some don't. But simply desiring to dress en femme does not mean that you are gay. We come in all types. :)

[MarinaKirax]

Hi, Sandra
I have dressed for a long time in secret, and my wife of many years recently found me out 4 months ago. Like you, I am attracted to the BDSM, and particularly the forced feminization idea. Like you, I can imagine many, many scenarios when I am captured and restrained, and like you I find the classic business women's attire very sexy. And because of this scenario, I can sometimes see a man in the picture who is my captor. But I think this is because of the social scenario, not the sexual one.

I've thought about this, and i would be just as (more) turned on if it were a another woman tying my ankles. I have no desire to be with a man , as man on man, whatsoever. I think sometimes men appear in my fantasy scenarios just because thats how we're used to seeing them. If you take away the scenario, and just focus on the sexual act, there's no desire. I think this is what you found.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not gay, or even bisexual. I am a heterosexual. The term that best describes me for the men in the white coats is transvestic fetishism. The clothes turn me on, an to the extent I can build on what the clothes represent for me (femininity) I get more turned on. I think hence the desire to act in a feminine way, to try to pass ( objective confirmation of my fantasy), etc.

Sorry that's so long, but the take home message is most of us are not gay; we have a thing about presenting a feminine image, and some of us have a thing about BDSM, and when those 2 meet, it would be unusual for a man NOT to be in the picture. But if we don't want to have sex with him, he's a prop, not a partner. Relax. MK

[DonniDarkness]

hey sandra,
Im gonna be frank, so pardon me in advance:straightface:
Sounds to me like your a "Straight Bottom", and there are girls out there who enjoy guys like us. From your description of the way you feel about dressing and having having the desire for a man, may just mean while dressed you have the desire to be "submitted". If you truly feel you are not gay, then your partner must fall in to the category of "Straight Top". Meaning the girls you are looking for will tend to have a little more dominent personalities. And also take the leading role in romance and intimacy. There are girls like this out there hun, i found one....as im sure many others have.

As for the desire to dress stemming from BDSM and Porn
Absolutely not. Crossing is much more complicated than that and you are right as it being an outlet, as in it was an easier way to justify it to yourself

Being the Submissive is not just about being sissified, its the whole role. In a Relationship with a leading lady, you find you desire to make her happy and it becomes part of everyday romance.
In my relationship with my wife we are both. Some how we found a balance in all this, Her desire for dominence is greater than mine on an average basis, however I also enjoy being Mr. Big Bad Man from time to time. :heehee:

So do not not Despair, Sandra

Hugs and Hugs
-Donni-

[Kaz]

Hi Sandra,

You have found a really great place here, so slow down your thinking and explore things.

I can totally empathise with what your thought processes have been.

The big thing is - you are not alone... there are others who think like this and lots of them are here! Though you will get lots of conflicting/challengng viewpoints. So explore them, and learn more about yourself. We are complicated personalities and I wouldn't wish for anything less, but that is challenging.

As Kaz... I want "the full monty", though sadly it can never be... well not as it should be. Am I gay? No. I only want to experience that as Kaz, never as my drab side.

For me it just a natural part of exploring the female side...?

There are many in this community who just want to dress up, but there are also many for whom it is more than that...

Keep posting and make friends! You'll come through ok.

Love Kaz xx
:hugs:

[sherri52]

Hi Sandra: Glad to have you with us. There is a group near you called "the central Ohio crossdressers group. I'm not sure where ther actual meeting is but I'm sure it's not to far from you. You can look them up and attend thier meeting. Meeting costs are $10 but it is well worth the price to get one on one with others just like yourself and a good portion of us here.

[Frédérique]

Is my dressing a desire to be fem, or a desire to be gay, or am I really supposed to have been a girl? I am petrified of anyone ever knowing any of the above.
I am so freaked out and confused about myself that i dont even know where to begin. I am actually on the verge of tears.

Is it too late to reply to your OP?

Yeah, you just need to stay where you are, let the emotions flow over (and through) you, then pick up where you left off. Tears are a good thing, necessary during these times of confusion – I’ve cried a river of tears myself, and I always feel better afterwards. Your dressing can be anything, and nothing, a curious and inexplicable thing – just read the posts here for verification of that fact…:)

Do you have a desire to be gay? Is that a choice? Whether you do or you don’t, whether you are or you aren’t, you would know it. That said, I would hate to live in a world without desire or, at least, curiosity. Are you supposed to be a girl? If only it was that simple. I must say I’m not qualified to answer that question. Everyone is different in this regard, but some of us just “slip” away into another version of ourselves from time to time. I don’t wonder about what I should be – I just am, and that just happens to be a run-of-the-mill crossdresser. It’s good to have a place like this to address these complex issues, even though the answers can be somewhat unsatisfying, but self-assessment is nothing to be petrified about. You’re one of the healthy ones, so carry on and explore who you are (or wish to be)…:battingeyelashes:

[Karren H]

I'm typically clueless to affairs like this but that never stops me from butting in. All I can say is just accept yourself for what you are and what you like to do and don't ask why me or ponder what could have been.. Move forward from here and enjoy doing what you love to do...

[Samantha B L]

Hi Sandra, I've read at least one book and several clinical type articles in a university library all of which say the same thing. Crossdressing is somehow neurological and hormonal in nature. It probably runs in families. It won't go away for more than a few days just once in awhile. So enjoy it. I've always said in the forum that of all the things nature could've given you instead,crossdressing is a blessing. I don't think there's any reason for you to talk about this stuff with your family unless there's one hell of a life or death emergency involved,then don't. You can love 'em and see 'em on holidays and birthdays and still let the CD'ing be your thing and not theirs


I'm not all that daffy about stark nudity either. When other kids were looking for ways to sneak Playboy Magazine into their house past their Mom and Dad I was into Mademoiselle,Vogue and Cosmopolitan. that was when I was in 6th grade. Gay bars can be pretty cool places to hang out and you can feel free to tell them that you're a straight crossdresser and they won't get nasty about it. I had gay sex with this guy who I found out was sweet on me. He kept promising me he was going to buy me a couple of hundred dollars worth of clothes but he was using me for sexual favors.



And like you,Sandra,I found out that I wasn't gay. the sex with this guy was about as much fun as paying to get run over by a switch engine then tipping the engineer and the crew for doing a good job. Or compare it to digging a septic tank in 100 degree weather. I finally decided "forget it". Sandra,I don't mean to tell you your business but really,you're what they call a crossdresser and so is everybody else here at this forum. Now honey,try to be in bed by 10:30 or 11:00. Get a good night's sleep and if you get a couple of hours tomorrow,go shopping for fem stuff. If you have to work,then go on Saturday or Sunday!


salu,hugs, Samantha

[AKAMichelle]

it sounds like you should find a group of cd'ers to make friends with. You will probably find someone in the group who you can talk with. If that is unavailable then you probably need to find a therapist.

[Angiemead12]

your not alone, I also have and had fantasies of being caught and forced to be a girl, I even downloaded stories about it, reading and fantasizing, then being grossed out after. I knew I already was different because I was into ******* porn and each time I took care of myself watching it I immediately felt guilty after. But Im also grossed out with men on men action, when Im dressed I want to be taken by a *******. And its a little more confusing because a ******* is in between both worlds. Now I know im not gay but I do like stimulating my prostate, but I wouldn't want a big hairy man to do it for me, rather a beautiful woman!

what helped me with my thoughts was my girlfriend now, she knows everything now, my desire to dress, my desire for ******* porn, my desire to be forced fem, she dint take it to well in the beginning but four books after, a therapist and lots of internet research I now know I wasnt alone. She now supports me but fears one day I will leave her to become a woman. As much as I try to keep her secure, I guess she fears these things as much as I do. I like how she always reminds me of the joys of being myself, I get to dabble in both worlds!

Now that Im out to my immediate family and close friends I feel more relieved and accepting of myself, but i still notice that sometimes I wish I could just pick a side so merge my identities rather than live to separate lives.

Anyway just sharing, It helps to talk to someone, be it online, a therapist or a close friend. If your really feeling down there is nothing better than a good laugh to pick you up!

[Cassandra Lynn]

Well you've gotten lots of great advice and thoughts to help you, and like you said just talking about it is a huge step. Welcome to the forum BTW. I'll thrown in a couple of pennies as well, and remember it's just my opinions.
There are indeed hundreds of shades of gray between black and white and acronyms do a poor job of describing what we are.
I agree, you would probably benefit from therapy, counselling or meeting a support group like Tri-Ess. So would i in fact!
I'm also one of those with submissive leanings and belong to a BDSM group, though i have yet to meet any prospective play partners or dominant women looking for a CD/TG, but i can hope. You also are like me in the idea that man to man sex is foreign, but there are lots of CDs that say they feel some desire for a man, when dressed, although i have yet to experience anything like that, even when enfemme. I do have vivid fantasies of men occassionally, none that i would ever want to live though. The point being, gay men love other men, so you can remove that from your worries if you feel you must. Bi, bi-curious? possible i guess, i like the term used over on Fet-Life.....homoflexible. I put myself at a 95% to 5% hetero rate, but it is too deep to get into.
At any rate, relax and maybe we can learn about ourselves together, your among friends here, OK? mj (Cassie)

[gabimartini]

Hi Sandra,

I empathize with you. When the cat gets out of the bag it makes our heads spin so fast, it's hard to get a grip. But hang in there. Not that the spinning will stop. It won't. However, give it time and you'll learn to get used to it, to explore it, to understand it, accept it, and even enjoy it.

As for your sexuality, you are the only person who can answer that truthfully. It's okay to be confused, because a lot of emotions have been buried for so long. Now it's time to allow yourself to explore. Maybe you'll discover yourself bisexual, or even homosexual. So what? There isn't right or wrong in terms of human sexuality, only what fulfills and makes us happy. Got stay true to that.

Good luck!

[jennifer easton]

Am I the only one to see this GO AND TALK TO A PROFESSIONAL!!!! you need to talk with a therapist, some one that can help you find your way!!!! We here can give all of our insights, our thoughts, experiences, but its not the same go talk with some one that can help you!!!!!!

[Alice Torn]

Sandra, Your story touched me, and we have a lot of the same issues. I am considering a man, next month, and would only desire to be with a man, while all dressed up. Nakedness does not turn me on either, nor dropping panties! Fully dressed classy turns me on, too. I have no SO either, am becoming more of a loner, am petrified of being outed, or caught! I have to go live with my dad, who has stuffed a lifetime of issues, and sexual hangups. I would never want him to know i dressed, but, he may know I put on sister, and mom's back in teen years. I have noticed that MANY on this forum, have no desire to be with other men, except, when dressed! Very common here. Having had one miserable sexual experience with a man, you are wise to be very cautious, about sex with one, again. I may have to learn this the hard, excuse the pun, way, too, as i want to meet a man, at least once, but hope, to set limits, if possible. A nice gg friend, who, is somewhat tolerant of your issues, would be nice, but, hard to find. Life is tough, and, especially with a thing like we have to live with. I used to condemn myself for it, as my church does. I have had to apply the Serenity Prayer, to this, and need to control it, not let it control me all the time. An affordable therapist can help, and some on this forum. Easy does it. One day, or minute at a time. Thanks for sharing!

[carolinoakland]

Well, here's what you need to think on... if dressing in womens clothes makes you happy, they you have to give yourself permission to be happy. After all, you ARE the only person who can. I would suggest seeing an out of town gender therapist. The other options are online therapist and there are a few that will do phone consultaions. I suggest looking at TS Roadmap or Laura's Playground. And remember, breathe. Oh, and by the way. There's nothing wrong with you.... Carol

[zoe m]

Before you judge gay people or call their sexual activity "disgusting", think about how other people might judge you for crossdressing. If you don´t want it for yourself, like many of the people on this site, that´s your business. But we are the last people on the world who should be judgemental of others being who they are and not harming anyone.

[Sarah Doepner]

Sandra,
Welcome to this forum. It sounds like you had a lot of things building up inside and it was time to let it all out. Now breathe deep, relax a little, enjoy the girl stuff and start to parse out the various aspects of your world.

One of the things that always made it hard for me to resolve some of my personal issues was they all seemed to be part of the same question and it all had to be solved at once. That was poor thinking on my part. I was able to deal with it one or two chunks at a time and eating the elephant has become possible. I did see a counselor a couple of times and that did help get the process started, so that is good advice as well.

You didn't describe anything that sounded like you need to worry too much about your life. You need to treat yourself with respect and begin the process of discovering all the little wonderful things about yourself that you have been hiding.

[charlie]

Hello Sandra!
I'm so glad that you are here at this forum. For me it answered lots of questions and made me feel that what I thought and was going through was not really all that strange. What we do is different, gender bending and can be confusing. However, all of it is still just part of us. That said, you certainly do not seem to be gay or you would have enjoyed your first experiment. It seemed more like role playing then anything else. Well, i guess you will have to be a lesbian role player! As to where to go, I first went to a gay bar that also had "A cage a foe" shows. At TG shows there are lots of straight people there. Sitting at a crowded drag show you start meeting and talking to the people around you. At the bar straight girls come up and are fascinated with how we dress, look and prepare ourselves. I do not know why, but young straight girls find us interesting. It might sound strange, but if you were able to get a date with one of them dressed, then when you went out regular she would certainly know about your other self. It is just an idea to get you out in a acceptable environment where you would feel comfortable.

[SandraAbsent]

I want to say thank you again to all who have replied to this thread either here or in PM. I have had some time to really sit with all of this and absorb all of your feedback. First things first, I found a couple of groups nearby and am going to give them a shot. I think this would be a good start for me so that even if the first couple of times I go drab, I wont feel so alone with all of this. See where it goes from there. If at the end of the day I still feel the need, I wont hesitate at this point to seek a professional. In the meantime, I love being me and I have vowed to myself that I am not going to let all this get me down.

[Midnight Skye]

I love being me and I have vowed to myself that I am not going to let all this get me down.

I think that's the most important thing of all Sandra. Gotta love all the girls here though with the support, there isn't much new to say except take a deep breath and remember there are a bunch of us out there feeling the same mess of stuff.

I can relate to so many things you said it isn't funny. My advice would be relax at home and be yourself. If you find yourself dressing at home all the time, then start planning trips out of the house. Support groups are great places to start, and meeting up with others in your area can help lots. A supportive friend can help a bunch too (but finding one can be tricky sometimes). As for your sexuality... I think for many of us its all over the place as we try to figure out our identity. I think our dual-gender experiences and confusions trigger some confusion in our sexual needs. I know mine needs are all over the place. I say don't worry about being gay, straight, or something else... just focus on you for now. And as your image of yourself comes together sexuality will be somewhat easier to figure out.

[Marcia Blue]

Sandra,
I did not read the replies to your post, so if I am repeating what others have already said, I am sorry.

Anyway, about our sexuality, most CDs have wondered about this when the urges to dress are strong, especially the adolescent to young adult years. Dressing alone does not make you gay.

Do you wish to be a women? I came to the conclusion years ago that, pretending to be fem for short periods of time was all I ever needed. I have known sisters who dress 24/7 or have taken hormones and/or later SRS.

These are hard questions, most of us here, have traveled long hilly roads to find the answers, from deep within our hearts. We are here to listen as you take the journey of self exploration. Time and soul searching will answer your questions. I hope our journey is not to long and fairly quick.

[jenny1971]

... I love being me and I have vowed to myself that I am not going to let all this get me down.

I think you have the right attitude there. I think most of us have been through similair situations; at least I recognize nearly everything you wrote; the inner fights, the purges, the constant fear that someone close will found out if something happens to you, the different sexual feelings despite feeling heterosexual (although I have never had an opportunity to act out on all those feelings) etc. I have finally concluded that this "urge" or whatever you call it will never go away and will always be a part of me, and in a way, it also defines who I truly am. I have decided to accept the situation and try to make the best out of the present instead of worrying about a possible future. I do like to think that I try to take life "one day at a time" although I know it is not exactly what I want, I just have to be satisfied with it and try to make the best of it. Best of luck, my dear!

[VikkiVixen7188]

I totally understand what your talking about. My girlfriend and I are considered Switches in the BDSM lifestyle.

The thing about me en femme is that sometimes I do fantasize about men, but I dont think Im gay or even bisexual because I have no desire to actually act out those fantasies. I think the idea of it just helps us feel more femme.

Your not that weird to me at all, cause I feel a lot the same as you described. Holler at your girl Vikki if you got more personal things to talk about.