A question

[vanessa]

I've been working on transition for about two months. In the process, I've gotten fully dressed several times, shaved all my hair, and even gone out to a club in fem. However, I'm still living with my wife and daughter until I can move out. I'm sure that being a woman is what I want. It makes me feel so good and so happy. I was wondering though, is it natural to go through a period of denial? I feel that's what I have been doing the last couple of weeks. Like holding my self back. Has that happened to anyone else? And, does it mean anything other than a fear of all the changes still to come and work I'm going to have to do?

[Sierra]

It would be wise to slow down,consider your family and what your about to throw away.Get therapy before,you sound like this is new and you are very impullsive.It does'nt work that way if you want to minimize the regrets.How long have you been like this? +?

[MarieTS]

Dear Vanessa: You sound truly motivated to transition, but please listen to Sierra. She is 100% right! You need to slow down and make sure you get a solid perspctive from the med/counselling side. There are LOTS of considerations you must keep in mind, and you certainly don't want to rush through major life altering events on a whim. Please, please, please consider Sierra's questions, and downshift from overdrive into first gear for awhile until you are 100% sure of which road you are going to take and the complications you'll encounter along the way.
Safe travels,

[ChristineRenee]

I have to agree with the others here Vanessa...you gotta slow this vehicle down a bit. A real good person to talk to here is Julie Marie. She was on the road to transitioning herself at one time. She used to be the head mod here and I have the utmost respect for her opinions regarding being TG/TS. If I were you I would seriously seek out her counsel hon.:cool:

Love,
Chrissie:)

[Stlalice]

I've spoken in other posts on these boards of what some call the "Pink Mist/Fog" - it's a condition that all off us go through to one extent or another. When you are first starting out there is a tendency to think that "If I could just transition and get my SRS TODAY life would be wonderful" - but the truth is that it's just initial enthusiasm talking. It is also both normal and a good thing to have doubts about going thruogh with transition and SRS at ALL stages of your journey. The best thing for you to do at this point is to find a good therapist who specializes in gender issues and start out on the long process of sorting out your feelings and what is right for you. It may not be necessary for you to leave your family - I've known some trans girls who were lucky that way. A good therapist can help you decide when and how to "come out" to family, friends, employers, when and if you want HRT, etc. Try looking in your local version of the Pride Pages telephone book, check with PFLAG, of go to the IFGE website to find one. If all else fails PM me and I'll try to find you some listings for your area. Hang in there girl - you have a long journey ahead - take your time and do it right - it will save a lot of pain in the long run. :)

[vanessa]

thanks for the sound advice....sadly i should've slowed down a little bit earlier. i am seeing a counselor to start right now...been going well...im already out to my wife and her family, and to some of my own family...she's going to leave, that's a given...we've already discussed that much...i just know that this is the final piece of the puzzle that i have been looking for...it makes far too much sense and feels way to right for me to go back now...i was sitting in the bar the other night, and just feeling overwhelmed by all that i had to do to make this work...i think that i am just scared of the unknown...but thank you for the advice....i do wish that i could go back and have taken it slower...but you only get one chance to do it...

[Rachel_740]

Vanessa,

It sounds like you made your decision prior to posting here. I again urge you to listen to what the other girls have said to you. Take things slowly and don't rush, especially surgery. Again, reading your last posting you are of the opinion that you have made the first move (telling your wife and family) and so MUST go ahead with the whole thing including surgery.

I made the (final) decision to transition nearly a year ago now and I transitioned agt the start of this year. However, I am still reviewing where I am, what I am doing and why, how I am feeling, am I happy (or kidding myself), and will I go through with the operation - and I am doing this on a DAILY basis. If I had any doubts I'd slow down from where I am. I am planning on surgery the middle of next year (I could have it at the end of this year if I chose), but again, before I have the surgery I will think really hard about what I am doing and why and if there's the SLIGHTEST - even 0.000001% - doubt I won't have it because if I go through the surgery it's forever.

Rachel

[Julie]

Vanessa,

I can relate to you the account of one TS I know who is transitioning right now. She was married ten years and has two boys. She divorced recently and shares custody of them. I have known her about a year now and I've never known her to once waiver from her committment to transition. She just keeps forging ahead. She has her boys about half the time and has never once mentioned the trauma they might endure with her transition. So sure is she of this path I believe the kids will be very well adjusted and accepting of her decision.

When I believed this was the right path for me, I sounded a lot like you in your post. I felt convinced I would be happier but kept experiencing doubts when I thought of my kids. I see-sawed back and forth so many times it made my head spin. Finally I stopped letting the emotions take me on a roller coaster ride and I tried to imagine living life as a post-op TS.

Since I can't predict how others would react I focused on if I could completely accept myself, for one because I'd have to live with this 24/7 and secondly, because I know accepting myself is hugely important in getting others to accept me.

So I imagined waking up in the morning and walking into the bathroom and seeing myself in the mirror. I've had FFS so my face would look female but the rest of my bone structure would still be male. How would I be with that?

When I pictured having breasts on this male frame I tried to imagine how they would look.

When I saw my narrow hips and broad shoulders I wondered if that would bother me seeing as I so love the image of a woman's small waist tapering out to her hips.

I thought of showering with this body and asked myself if there would be any sexual arousal and if so did it play a part in my desire to transition?

I thought of having a vagina and wondered would I want to have sex with a man? If not, would I want to have a relationship with a woman? It's my understanding most lesbians are turned off by TSs (this confirmed by several I know) so that could mean a life of loneliness.

Since the voice is unaffected by hormones, I wondered if I could successfully train myself to speak as a woman and what I'd sound like when I had taken it to it's feminine limit. Would I feel phony while trying to perfect this voice? Would I still sound like a man anyway?

I tried to picture walking down the street and how I'd react when read (it happens to almost all TSs). Would I want to run and hide if a comment was made in a crowd or could I be together enough to just let it roll off?

What about work? What would I do? Certainly not construction! What about the pension I have been building all these years? What effect would my leaving the trades have on that? What job would I find that as a TS that I liked? I highly doubt I'd be able to fool any prospective employer in an interview. Too much is known about TSs existing in our society for them to miss I was one of them.

Then say I wanted to go swimming. With my broad shoulders and narrow hips (in comparison to a GG) I'm sure I'd be a walking TS billboard. Would I have to give up something I love to do?

And what about Jim? Jim's a good guy who many rely upon for any of a variety of reasons. Would my family and friends still see me as capable of doing as Julie all I did as Jim? I know I could, but would they? And even if they accepted me with open arms, I know they would see me differently. We are a visual species and what we see very often overrides everything else. A person projecting a feminine personna will be seen differently than one projecting a male personna even though when sans clothing, makeup, etc. it's the same person.

As I added up all the factors here based on my responses to my curiosities I then tried to imagine how I'd feel about myself in this scenario and could I truly be comfortable as the woman I'd become regardless of outside influences?

Then I looked at what I know. I am a 54 year old male crossdresser who goes out on weekends and interacts with people who know and love Julie. When the weekend is over I go to work as Jim and earn a good wage. When my kids call they get to talk to their dad. When they see me they see their dad. When they need their dad, I'm there in my male form, not some hybrid gender confusing form. When my friends want to spend time with Jim, they can. When we have family get togethers my siblings, neices and nephews see the person they have known all their life. I don't have to learn to speak with a feminine voice. I don't have to endure painful surgeries, not to mention try to figure out how to pay for them. I don't have to wonder if I made a mistake transitioning. I have all the answers to this life. The other life is a big question mark.

If I could turn back the hands of time I'd want to begin transitioning at puberty. I have looked inside myself deeply and feel I would have been happier if I could have transitioned early and learned to be female rather than male. Developed as a normal female (almost) rather than try to change things now. Had only one surgery to correct this problem rather than several and still never achieve what early transitioning could.

I've spent a lifetime working on being male and trying to change direction now seems overwhelming. Besides, I've built a life as a man and I have responsibliities that I created when I chose this path. Okay, maybe I was railroaded into it, but I still had a free will and I didn't excercise that. I am a firm believer in taking on personal responsibility and my kids are my #1 priority. All I have to do is remember what my dad was to me and I immediately know I could never take that away from my kids.

So after all this soul searching I realized transitioning isn't my #1 goal and I believe it has to be if you're going to truly be happy.

[ChristineRenee]

Excellent post once again Julie. While I'm not TS, many of the thoughts that you have expressed I have gone through myself. I think to fully understand yourself and how you really feel inside, you need to be totally honest and ask these questions and answer them as honestly as you can. It is very, very easy to get caught up in an emotional upswing and start down the path of a road that there is no way back from. I have often thought of the consequences of what would happen if at some point I ever did transition. But you know what? If I truly felt inside that I was TS...and I mean I really KNEW that I was totally a female trapped in a man's body that I absolutely hated...the consequences aside...I would do what was necessary to make it right for myself. The fact that I know that I am not TS...that I don't hate my male side or my genitals...that I don't feel totally female inside but rather a very unique composite of both male and female with the female predominately being the dominant side...precludes me from considering transitioning. I would be accomplishing nothing really and there would be no satisfaction involved in any way. Then the consequences would matter greatly...I would be essentially killing off a significant portion of who I was...and to those who only knew my male side...I would be killing off the entire person to them. The price would be high indeed and the reward...exceedingly minimal...if any.

This is such an intensely personal issue...one that truly has to be well thought out in detail...a soul-searching that only the person involved can do and determine what is indeed the best course of action for THEM! I cannot judge anyone here...I only hope that you arrive at a decision based on all the knowledge and resources available to you and...most importantly...how you honestly and truthful feel about the person that you are inside.

My 0.02 here once again.

[Natasha Anne]

Thanks Julie, that such a fantastic post I want to cut it out and keep it. I've been asking many of these questions of myself for long.

I guess what makes me commited to the path I'm on, finally, is when I started answering the questions differently. For me it's become a situation where I'll tolerate abuse just to be who I am and I know I'll have to work really hard to take my family along with me.

A few years back the desperation was the same, but the ability to make do anything about it was just not there. It has nagged me my whole life. I've never really wanted to be a man, that I recall. I see the benefits of being one, and receive many for being one and I'll miss them, but they're not something I need to keep. I guess when you're prepared to give up everything to become what you are, you're a TS, every trade-off I can imagine seems minor in comparison to me.

[Julie]

I guess when you're prepared to give up everything to become what you are, you're a TS, every trade-off I can imagine seems minor in comparison to me.

Natasha,

The first time I was told I need to be prepared to give up everything I immediately discounted it and told myself I could transition without needing to be prepared for that. Now I truly understand the meaning of that statement. There should be no doubts, no reservations, no compromises, no anything that will sway you from becoming a woman. Nothing to make you stop and think. Nothing to change your path. Nothing at all should get in your way that you aren't willing to overcome.

In our society this path has to be one we can't imagine NOT taking. I can't say I have ever felt like this. I wanted so desperately for this internal conflict, this see-saw life, to end I saw transitioning as the way to accomplish that. But that's still not reason enough to do it.

I wish you all the happiness and success in your journey and hope when you arrive at your destination you find true happiness.

[Natasha Anne]

Thanks Julie,

I hope I'm successful too. There are a few things that are tougher for me to face right now than your list. Fear of cancer, blood clots, hormones not giving me the chest, surgery going wrong (especially facial surgery - which I will have done - your face is what distinguishes you and failed surgery will look bad and is hard to repair)

I face each day as it comes, and try not to create the future in my mind. It's a coping mechanism that works for me, but no one that is easy to sustain on an ongoing basis.

I can't wait to finally physically become who I am mentally. People are giving me looks as they notice my steadily growing hair, diamond stud earrings and ladies Targus laptop bag. The bag is obviously female. I do those things regardless because somewhere deep down I believe the shock to those around me will be lessened if they jump to conclusions prior to any announcements :) It's fun too!