Stuck in the doldrums

[SuzanneBender]

“When I put on a dress my whole relationship with the external world changes. During this metamorphosis I have a totally different view of the environment: the outside world affects me differently, finer and gentler, and challenges me to appreciate the delicate and the gentle…. My greatest desire goes so far as to live untroubled and undistinguished as a woman, and what is worse, what I see in my future is the impossibility of the fulfillment of this yearning.”

The quote was taken from the book the Riddle of Gender. It is a quote of a patient of the gender pioneer Dr. Hirschfield around 1910. I found it interesting that this quote is as true today in my life as it was for this sister 100 years ago.

My life significantly changed on February 16th, 2010. That is the day that I came out to the love of my life or that fantastic woman known as my wife. I was on a path that was taking me towards that seemingly “untroubled and undistinguished [life] as a woman”. Once the realization set in that the path I was on would likely cause me to loose those that mean more than anything else to me in the world, I came to the conclusion that the course I was considering was hardly “untroubled” and I already knew that life as Suzanne would never be “undistinguished”. As I took stock of where I was I was slapped in the face by the cold hard fact that the toll to travel the route I fantasized of all my life would be too high for the ones I love and for myself. When one is faced by an impediment to their journey they have two choices. They can stop moving forward or they can explore a new route.

I have always idolized explorers and adventurers. The idea of finding somewhere new or seeing sights previously unseen makes my heart quicken. I decided to be an explorer and set out on a lifelong expedition to search for a passageway that fulfills my yearning while maintaining my role as a husband and father.

I am sure that Lewis and Clark didn’t start off thinking, “hey it will just be a short paddle down this river with this cute Native American chick and we will find the Pacific Ocean”. Like most every explorer I knew the journey would be difficult, but who would have ever thought it would have been this tough and ladies I don’t even feel like I have left the initial encampment yet.

Thus far, the journey is one of constant struggle. Prior to coming out the male and female me led separate lives. Suzanne was hidden away and I could live a totally average male life. They had no need to compete. They had no requirement to find a balance. Now that I am trying to make room in one person for two souls the fight is on. I am sure this fight would exist no mater which role I chose to portray on a full time basis.

Like most women my female soul is a force that can’t be competed with. She certainly will not be banished. She is just like that psycho girl some of us dated in college. No matter how hard we try we just could get her to leave. Suzanne will always know my address and phone number no matter how many times I change it. The truth of the matter is I don’t think I could stand to loose her even though it would make everyone’s life easier.

Conversely, my male persona is having a hard time dealing with a new roommate. He lived and functioned well among his male tribe members before the decision to blend. Much like the new husband not wanting to give up the wagon wheel coffee table or his velvet black light painting of dogs playing poker my male self realizes that as this inevitable blending occurs some of the trappings of being a manly man are now lost forever to Suzanne. This is not all bad. The exposure of Suzanne allowed that “delicate and gentle” side to finally come through to the world and most importantly, those that I love. That makes it easily worth the sacrifice of every male article or advantage. However, I have missed my Dogs Playing Poker painting ever since I donated it to good will.

The toughest part is I am wrestling with the recognition that I don’t belong to either tribe. I can never fully be woman and I will never be looked at again by myself or those that know of my femme soul as fully male especially my bride. This has caused a psychological eddy in which the explorer’s canoe stalled out on its journey down river and I can’t convince Lewis, Clark or even Sacagawea to get our of the darn boat and push. I am overly sensitive about being too femme or exhibiting the feminine behaviors that bring me comfort. When I get the chance to fly the femme flag, fully sanctioned by my loving wife, I don’t take advantage of it. I just stare at my wardrobe yearning to express myself but unwilling to take action.

I am not sure why this is happening but I hate it. I guess I thought pixie dust would fall from the sky and I would immediately find balance between my desires upon coming out. That has definitely not been the case despite a loving acceptance from my mate that wraps me in a warm blanket of love.

Is anyone else going through this or have you gone through it? Does anyone have any advice? Please I need some help getting this expedition back underway. Before you say see a therapist…I am. He does the therapist thing and just sits there waiting for me to come up with the answer. The joke is on him. He doesn’t realize that I will ask the rest of the class to help me with the answer when he is not looking.

[Zenith]

Sounds like you need to take me up on that offer for pizzas...

[StaceyJane]

Suzanne,
I hid in the closet for so very long. I didn't come out until I was caught by my wife and then almost dragged out by my daughter. I have gone through some tough times since than with my wife but things have finally settled down. We have established our gender truce. She knows about Stacey and the fact that I go out as her but we really don't discuss it at home. That's fine for know.
As for me you can see from my youtube videos that I'm really having a great time going out and exploring myself as Stacey.I'm really getting my self confidence and am spending more time out as Stacey.
My daughter Britney has been such a big support for me. She went through her own issues coming out as bisexual and she really seems to understand where I'm at.
My family means so much to me. That's why I too am looking for that balance between Stan and Stacey. I have given transitioning an awful lot of thought but I know I'm not ready because I'm not at the place where I'm able to risk losing my family or my job or even my two dogs.
So for now I live in both worlds. Trying to enjoy the best from both. I'm also seeing a therapist and just like you I'm trying to find that balance in my life.

Stacey

P.S. Soon they will be running a train from Kansas City to Fort Worth. Hope to see you on it.

[Karen564]

Suzanne, I hear you loud & clear, and wish I could give you my cheat sheet to give you the answers..but those wont help you, because they only worked for me..it's just that everyone has to find their own way through this terrible mess..
Just like that therapist you go to, he/she cant give you the answers either...and if they did, I would suggest that you run away from them as fast as you can..
I have sat in my therapist office in the past wanting to hear some answers and a direction to go in so bad, but in the end, it was only me left alone holding that compass to give me a heading to my own destination..
I mentioned this many times before, but as time goes on, this condition becomes so much more difficult trying to live with two lives within one body..and there does come a time when there's only room for one..otherwise the internal struggle becomes overwhelming & out of control..as for myself, it felt like I was trapped in room with a time bomb, and watching the pointer on the clock getting closer to the time of detonation..

I don't know if what I just said will make any sense to you, but if it does, then you already know what you need to do...
:hugs:

[Teri Jean]

I mentioned this many times before, but as time goes on, this condition becomes so much more difficult trying to live with two lives within one body..and there does come a time when there's only room for one..otherwise the internal struggle becomes overwhelming & out of control..as for myself, it felt like I was trapped in room with a time bomb, and watching the pointer on the clock getting closer to the time of detonation..

Karen: I hear that loud and clear. I felt that way for so long I needed to see a proffesional to get help.

Even though I have started my transition there are times where I feel I don't fit in as a woman as well as a man. It is times like this that answers the questions you are looking for in therapy.

Teri

[sherri52]

Suzzanne back in the day, the indians use to give someone who took both side and catered to the fem side a special place in the tribe. They were treated in many way like a medicine man and given great respect. You have been blessed with an SO which they weren't. Think of it in this manner and you may get someof your sanity back.

[SuzanneBender]

Karen thanks. Your words always mean a lot to me, but I can not picture my life without both genders. Deep down I have been a woman and a man all my life, but I can't picture giving either up. They both mean too much to me.

Teri I also hear you girl.

Even though I have started my transition there are times where I feel I don't fit in as a woman as well as a man. I feel that way now and I am convinced that physical transition isn't going to solve it for me. My wife gave me a hug the other night when I was really down after I told her that I just don't feel like I belong either with the men or the women. She said as she was hugging me that I belonged. "I belonged with her and the kids no matter what." Maybe its a matter of realizing that this is where I belong? Hanging out here in the middle of Gender Avenue dodging the cars and trucks of a society that wants us on one side of the street or the other.

Sherri you may be onto something. Maybe this isn't an issue of male versus female. Maybe its an issue of acceptance. My wife has accepted me for who I am maybe I need to. Only to do that I have to determine who that person really is in my own mind. Ouch this is making my head hurt.

In the immortal a paraphrased words of the great philosopher and comic Steve Martin. This would be so much easier if I could just pic a gender and tell the other gender, "I break with the, I break with the and throw dog poop on its shoes." Unfortunately, I won't and can't do that so its back to pondering and introspection.

[Zenith]

You don't have to...read Kate Bornsteins book...she mentions a rainbow between...disputes gender binary....

[GypsyKaren]

Suzanne, the best advice I can give you is to stop beating your head against the wall over this, things have a way of working out in their own way and time...and I know how hard it is to do that.

GK :g2:

[CharleneT]

first, you're not alone in this at all ;)


second, don't stare at your navel for too long or it will suck your brain dry !


third, do try and read KB's book, pretty much any of them. I'd tell you to go and see her talk (DO!) but she already did that in your town last fall ... so you'll have to find her somewhere else.


You've opened a can of worms that just will not go back in the can. Sadly, this means you will end up having to deal with them. I recommend going fish'n :) Take them up one by one and ... well you know !

:hugs:

Charlene

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Suzanne..

if what you are saying about yourself is true...then you really don't have a big problem...you are creating your own problem by making things too complicated and by beating yourself up....

you would have a problem if you are saying all this to yourself and your wife to get yourself through a tough period of gender dysphoria.. there is no running away from being transsexual..there is only dealing with it...

that's not to say transition or don't transition, but try your level best to be really honest with yourself...knowing yourself and accepting yourself is a huge advantage in coping with things

again...if you are dual gendered...then what is the problem?..you are out to your wife..you are getting to express both sides of your gender..etc...


Honestly IMO
i see contradictions in your posts and it causes me to read between the lines that you may be trying to convince yourself of something.. that will never work..you need to ask the question, give yourself time to reflect and consider your answer...your "gut" will tell you if the answer is correct...

this can happen over years, and in fact, it should..
for me...i got to the point where i felt i had no choice..transition or else...and i still spent a year trying to live something of a double life..:straightface:

in the end, all you can do is do your best. :hugs:

[VeronicaMoonlit]

The toughest part is I am wrestling with the recognition that I don’t belong to either tribe. I can never fully be woman and I will never be looked at again by myself or those that know of my femme soul as fully male especially my bride.

You'll have to define fully for me, because what really matters is how you feel inside.


I am overly sensitive about being too femme or exhibiting the feminine behaviors that bring me comfort. When I get the chance to fly the femme flag, fully sanctioned by my loving wife, I don’t take advantage of it. I just stare at my wardrobe yearning to express myself but unwilling to take action.

I was that way for a while, it was not a good thing. It was like "I'm never gonna transition so why wear my pretty things only to make my self sad for the longing of it.

It is better to express it.




Suzanne, the best advice I can give you is to stop beating your head against the wall over this, things have a way of working out in their own way and time...and I know how hard it is to do that.




if what you are saying about yourself is true...then you really don't have a big problem...you are creating your own problem by making things too complicated and by beating yourself up....

Very sound advice.

Veronica Rogers

[Karen564]

Sorry Suzanne,
Guess I had my signals mixed up...and got confused, well that's what I get for being a blondie.....beware of blonds.....lol

If you are really fine with both genders, then end of story I think..right?...
Based on that, I'd say your all set then, you have a loving wife that accepts you as you are, and you accept the way you are..So I think that is wonderful news for both you, Peri & the family...and everyone has much to be grateful for you not being a full blown TS.....trust me on that..

Well, I think that's one of the big clues as to what your not anyways....because for myself, I couldn't wait to be done with my male existence & everything attached to it and the fact that it was all part of big lie to myself & others around me..

Except for my boat....I love my boat, so I guess down deep that I was always a boating chick.....lol:battingeyelashes:

But being more serious again (which I know is a major bummer), I wish that I wasn't born a TS..and just wanted a normal life as a male, and even myself based the way I previously lived most of my life by what I was born with between my legs & tried to make the best of it & that's why I tried to be a male for so long ..but in the end, it just wasn't meant to be..but constantly found myself swimming against the tide & always struggling with inner turmoil all because my female side was also fighting ever so much harder as time moved on for the need to take control of my life....

Well, like I said before, besides being obvious to people that know me now, that she in deed WON....but it was one hell of a battle though & that guy part in me holding on sure did give a worthy fight........ lol

Sorry if this sounds like I had multiple personality thing going on here.....lol, which I assure you that I do not or ever did have MPD, but that's the way I like to write about it in order to convey how I felt inside dealing with that inner tumoil...:devil:

Thankfully all that is the past & now lots of water under the bridge some time ago..now I'm just like a freebird. oh yeah baby! woohoo....lol :)

:hugs:

[Hope]

My therapist, who from what I gather understands herself as androgynous (I don't really spend a lot of time talking about her life and she is professionally coy) has this great viewpoint that you should do as little as is necessary to be happy. But there is a problem with this - specifically - how on earth do I know what it is that I need to do in order to be happy / satisfied? Will I be happy with dressing? Will be happy with make-up? Will I be happy with hormones? Will I be satisfied with laser? Here is the answer to that riddle: she also pointed out to me that 99% of this is experimentation. How do you know if wearing make-up will bring you some satisfaction? You wear make-up. You try it out. You like it? Do it. Don't like it? Don't. Obviously this gets a bit more complicated when we talk about things like FFS and GRS - but by the point we are ready to "try" those sorts of things - we have experimented with enough other things that we have a much better idea who we are.

You are absolutely right that this is all about exploration. So go explore.

You are obviously not happy with where you are, and what you are doing... so go do something else. You don't have to commit to it, you don't have to plant the flag now and say that you want to be a woman and start scheduling surgeries. Try it on. Test it out. Kick the tires. You don't have to give up being male either if you don't want to, but if you want to try to be more femme - you can do that too.

My therapist thinks I will be much happier on hormones. I think she is right, and just as soon as I get a new gig I am going to find out. But I am also going to evaluate my progress as I go, if at 1 month I am unhappy with the hormones - I'm going to stop taking them. Same deal at 3 months, and 6 months. At some point I will need to commit to hormones - or not - but by that point I will have the experience to make an informed decision.

You might think you are pulling one over on your therapist, but he knows he doesn't have to proctor your life to keep you honest, because he knows that you can ask all of the smartest kids in class and still not get the right answers. Because their answers are not your answers. Your therapist sits quietly and forces you to come up with your own answers because he knows that you need to come up with your own answers - and in order to do that, you need to put some provisions in the canoe, and go explore.

[Persephone]

Whoa, girl, you sling a wild set of metaphors!

Here I am, kinda following along that we're all in the same boat -- O.K., O.K., the boat is rockin' through 1805, but I'm cool with that -- until 4 hours and 17 minutes later when we're standing in the middle of traffic on Gender Avenue.

Heck, I even lecture about navigation and exploration and I'm lost!

I tend to side with Kaitlyn, "Honestly IMO, i see contradictions in your posts and it causes me to read between the lines that you may be trying to convince yourself of something.."

Like she said, maybe take it apart one piece at a time and let it mellow? After all, fine wine requires more than an overnight stint in the barrel.

You're one of the folks I particularly admire around here, and, of course, you have my full concern and support. If it'll help, I'll even lend you my sextant. It's only a Davis, but it does work. PM me if you need it or anything else.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Fran Moore]

And winding damn road, isn't it Suzanne? So many of us have felt so many of those same emotions at some level throughout our lives.

Most of the struggles are fought alone, self contained, in the deep nooks and cranny's of our brains. It's actually refreshing to have you discuss it on the forum and allow us to comment, thanks.

Having been in a similiar situation in life, I decided to "stick it out" and even though it has been a challange, filled with sacrifices, it was worth it, and I wouldn't change it looking back. We're still together after more than 30 years. My advice is to be the best PERSON you can be, as often as you can, no matter what clothes you are wearing. And when you do get a chance to dress up and have fun, do it to the best of your ability, and enjoy it as much as you can.

Life is short........


Suzanne

[Sarah Doepner]

Suzzane,

I'm beginning to think this is all about asking the right questions, not necessarily finding the answers. We spend a lot of time wondering if our decisions are correct and it may be that we are basing those decisions on the wrong stuff. That's why they don't feel "right".

A friend was recently diagnosed with cancer and after a few treatments became disappointed because it wasn't cured. Unfortuantely my family has way too much experience with cancer and I had to remind them that this a a mountain road, not a freeway. It's going to take longer than you expect, there will be twists and turns that surprise you and things that slow you down and make you so angry you forget to act like the lady you are. But on the way there will be some wonderful vistas to look at and places to stop and just admire the world. I would hate for this to be a freeway, the journey would be over and if I missed the right exit because I was going so fast I would be regretting it for a long time.

Slow down, enjoy the ride and try to find the right questions first. You will know you have them when the answers make you smile.

[LisaM]

Suzanne,

I am on the very same road and it is not easy. My SO knows, tries to understand but doesn't want to hear the 'transitioning' word. We both understand the losses we would suffer.

So I live like you describe--not feeling a part of either 'tribe'. But when I really think about it I realize I do belong to a tribe--I have always felt more like a woman and I suppose I will always have experiences similar to other trasexual women.

It is not easy but too few people get to share their lives with someone they love; to raise a beautiful family and to be able to share their lives with others. I have come to cherish my time out as 'Lisa' and at the same time realize that I am 'Lisa' every day and that helps me get through the many difficult times.

[AKAMichelle]

I spent a long time conflicted as well. Doing battle with the girl inside. You do end up feeling like a tug of war is going on that no one else can see. I conquered mine in a way which I don't suggest to anyone else. I separated from my wife for a year and lived as a female for most of that year. I wasn't the prettiest woman out there by far. I was on the other end of the spectrum and I was happy with that. But I let her out and found balance in my life. I found how to combine the female and male and become me! A person who has been hiding since childhood. But this time I was able to be me.

My wife and I got back together for a year but in the end she doesn't like the new me and I refuse to go back to the old me. She calls it being narcistic and a mid life crisis. I call it much more than that. I call it no longer being something that I am not. Before somebody says it, my marriage didn't end because of cd'ing. I haven't dressed in almost a year, but I am the same person inside. Our problems were that the divisions in our marriage which had plagued us for years became as wide as the grand canyon. We ended up wanting different things in life. Even though we don't see eye to eye on things much anymore, I still love her. I just can't live with someone who is always unhappy with who I am so we will be filing divorce papers in June after we finish splitting everything else up. That way the divorce issues will be resolved and hopefully eliminate a fight over anything during that period. My hope is to stay friends with her so we can enjoy the boys as they begin to leave the nest and find their way.

So to provide advice, I will tell you how I found the balance. I met other transgendered people. In fact I met about 40 of them. I was always the person over in the corner picking that persons brain. Why do you feel TS? Why do you think you a just a cd'er? Pretty soon the answers began to touch my soul. Their answers which didn't necessarily fit me did cause me to think in a direction which led to my getting to know me (Michelle and Male Me). So my best advice is to ask others. Sometimes the definition of who you are is defined more by what you aren't than what you are at first. It takes time and patience. Sometimes the answer to getting moving again to is turnaround and go back a ways to the other fork in the road.

Good luck to you in your journey. I am looking forward to meeting you in person next week and allowing each of us to pick each others brains.

[Starling]

So what if it's a month and a half since the last reply? This thread is my crux. I want to live as the woman I am, but I want to stay with the one I love, who is so frightened by the prospect that she won't even talk about it. Now I'm scared, too, as every day my desire grows stronger. I could take all the ridicule and opprobrium the world can dish out, but I don't want her to suffer on my account.

But as for me, I feel I've suffered enough, after all these years of, what...imitation of life? I'm at a turning point. I don't really care what happens to me socially and economically, as long as I'm true to myself. I've always been a loner at heart, pretty much of an oddball, and I'd be perfectly happy to stay among TG folk if my friends rejected me. I just don't want to die without having lived as a woman.

Conflicted and distraught,
Lallie