Venting steam!

[Daniela76]

AAAGGGHHH!!! I don't know what to do, or who I am now!!

All righty then, why does it have to be so confusing?? Up until Monday I was absolutely certain I wanted to transition & become female. I was even starting having some attraction to males. :eek:
I bought a book, "The Female Brain" to learn more about women & maybe make myself think like them. That was going fine & I even got some ideas where I might have ended up like this.
I also started an additional medication, Buspirone, for anxiety. I'm sure it's not doing anything yet, but I'm hoping it starts working soon.

I was feeling sort of okay when I came home on Monday night, but then my landlord talked to me about speeding up my moving out so he can rent rooms easier. (Yes he has no legal right to do this, but he's been nice to me over the years & I want to work with him.) I also owe him a couple months of back rent. I've been spending too much the past couple months. He's getting a little annoyed with me about that, but I can't blame him.
Then on Monday night I went & bought my new Xbox 360 with Splinter Cell: Conviction. That started making me feel a little more boyish.

Okay, Tuesday made me feel worse. I was feeling crappy, even quasi-suicidal over my whole situation. I am in a sort of bad money situation & I get depressed about it easily. Of course how do I deal with it? I buy a damn new XBox. Well I paid $120 for the $400 after trades.

Okay, here's the kicker. I was feeling crappy, so I thought I'd read my Brain book. It was helping me feel & think more female, until I got to the section on pregnancy. I know I'll never be able to be pregnant as a woman, so that doesn't bother me.
However, something in reading the info about what a woman goes through, and what the father can go through during pregnancy, made me rethink becoming female. Now I kind of want to wait, stay male, find a woman, get married & have kids!!!! AAAAGGGHHH!!!

So today I didn't feel very feminine at all!! I dressed sort of drab, and didn't get up in time to do my makeup.

I don't know what I want to do!! I know I need to wait longer before starting anything permanent, like even hormones since those will kill the sperm. I still need to have some genetic checking done I think to find out if I should have children even. Do I want to be a transsexual? Do I just want to be sort of transgender? I'd feel a lot better if I could afford laser hair treatment for my face. Do I want to be a father, or a second mother? Do I want all this, and then to transition later on?
I do know if I do go back to being male, I won't be the same person I was before. I've learned & grown too much already. I understand women better now, and really want a real relationship.
I may stick with women's bottoms & shoes, but men's tops.
And there are certain people who I will not forgive easily for the way they have treated me if they think they can be my friend again.

Ow it hurts so much!!

And I don't have a therapist appointment until next Tuesday!!! Unless they have a cancellation Thursday or Friday.

[Linda St. John]

I figure you're fairly young from what you say , but you sure have a lot going on in your life . There will always be a few speedbumps along the road but transitioning isn't a do or die thing. For me, it took years of ditching the things you don't want in your life and grabbing the stuff you do want .One thing for sure --hormones make a permanent change !
So ,take your time ...at least you're seeing a therapist and enjoy the Xbox :)

[Felicity71]

Your hobbies dont define your gender.

Now I kind of want to wait, stay male, find a woman, get married & have kids!!!! AAAAGGGHHH!!!

That maybe the answer for you. Some people have stayed cross dressers and managed to find a wife and raise some kids. If you can get in life without having to transition, then so be it. Its been stated that Transitioning isnt a choice - you either have to or you dont.

[Frances]

It's perfectly normal and understandable to be ambivalent about transitioning and to have self-doubt from time to time. I fought against it myself for 40 years.

If you are truly trans, you cannot occupy your mind forever with acquisitions, activities or relationships. Do you want a wife, or do you want a wife to prevent you from transitioning? It's like holding a ball filled with air under water in the deep portion of a pool; eventually it will come up and probably hit you on the chin at the same time.

Have you talked to a therapist specialized in gender issues?

[SirTrey]

Do I want to be a transsexual? Do I just want to be sort of transgender?

It's not about what you "want to be", it's about figuring out who you "are"....It's not a choice, it's a medical condition....Now, what you choose to DO about who and what you are once you figure it out is another matter....That, you DO have choices to make....but you've got plenty of time to figure it out and to make those choices....One thing about this, there is not time limit or pressure...but, since you do know you have gender issues of one sort or another, I would weigh each life decision/life change you make from this point on....ie: if you actually do go out and marry someone and have children and then figure out that you DO need to transition, it will affect their lives profoundly....also, if I were you, I would be honest in any relationship going in about who you are....It's tough for partners to get hit with this after the fact, as many of us can tell you. Hope that helps. :thumbsup::drink:

[Chickhe]

Take the stuff you bought back or sell it and pay your rent. You will feel better for taking the responsibility. You will feel better about yourself and make decisions for the other part of your life easier after that.

[sandra-leigh]

I was somewhat down after reading The Female Brain, because there are so many ways that I don't fit the model of female that she described. As just one example, I am completely horrible at decoding multiple simultaneous audio streams (e.g., multiple conversations, or listening to someone in the car while there is a documentary on the car radio.) But at the same time, I didn't really fit the model the author presented of the male brain.

I talked to my gender therapist about it, and she pointed out that there was such an enormous range of variation between GG's that the book could not be considered as at all accurate, except perhaps by prefixing everything in it with a mental "It has been sometimes observed, perhaps even commonly, ...."



Its been stated that Transitioning isnt a choice - you either have to or you dont.

Yup. In my case, I don't seem to have the choice of continuing on as identifying myself as "male", at least not as is commonly understood. But it isn't an "either/or" situation: "not {entirely} male" does not automatically mean "female": there is a lot of room in-between. Even speaking of "between" isn't right, as "male" and "female" are not mutually exclusive, at least not at a behaviour level.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Take the stuff you bought back or sell it and pay your rent. You will feel better for taking the responsibility. You will feel better about yourself and make decisions for the other part of your life easier after that.


My sentiments exactly! I don't want to come off sounding harsh or uncaring but after reading your post the first thing to come to my mind is that you need a lot more growing up and maturity.

Transitioning is a serious decision especially if you are considering permanent changes.

If you can't pay your rent or support yourself, how are you seeing a therapist? I would suggest that you spend more of your disposable income on seeing your therapist and if he/she is not helping, find another one that does.

[Andy66]

Maybe you need to take a step back and take care of what's most urgent first. Make a list if that helps. When things have calmed down for you in a few months, you can more easily tackle the other stuff.

[Daniela76]

Thanks for the helpful thoughts everyone!!

I know I have a lot to do & think about.

And I do make enough money to support myself. I just spend it all being foolish. You know, the impulsivity that is used as a coping mechanism. And except for the XBox, it's mostly on consumables or clothes.

Oh and I forgot to add, work sucks since I have to work 6 days a week the next couple weeks. Stupid scheduler!!

[Stephenie S]

Honey, work sucks for everyone. And it's gonna suck for the rest of your life. Get used to it. And also try to get used to growing up and taking care of your responsibilities FIRST. Most of your income goes for clothes and consumables? And you owe a few months back rent? And you bought a new XBox?

About transitioning? There is a HUGE difference between WANTING to be a girl (doesn't everyone?) and BEING a girl. Those of us who actually do transition do it because we HAVE to, not because we want to. It's a long, expensive, and painful process in which you risk losing everything you hold dear.

Get your life in order, see your therapist, and work out just who and what you are. Then you can start thinking about transition.

Auntie Stephenie

[Daniela76]

Honey, work sucks for everyone. And it's gonna suck for the rest of your life. Get used to it. And also try to get used to growing up and taking care of your responsibilities FIRST. Most of your income goes for clothes and consumables? And you owe a few months back rent? And you bought a new XBox?

About transitioning? There is a HUGE difference between WANTING to be a girl (doesn't everyone?) and BEING a girl. Those of us who actually do transition do it because we HAVE to, not because we want to. It's a long, expensive, and painful process in which you risk losing everything you hold dear.

Get your life in order, see your therapist, and work out just who and what you are. Then you can start thinking about transition.

Auntie Stephenie

Wow, thanks for the encouraging words...NOT!!

I don't see a lot of people on here who have their lives in perfect order.

Life is hard, mental illness is hard, gender dysphoria is hard.
Maybe you could dial down your logic & wee bit & dial up the compassion a bit more? Why be judgmental towards me when I'm going through as hard of a time (just different) than you are?

I'm not unwilling to hear the hard truths, but people need to learn that the internet doesn't need to be a place where you can say whatever you want to someone since you don't know them personally.

Words do hurt, and tone hurts even more.

[Stephenie S]

I apologize.

[Daniela76]

I apologize.

Thank you very much. I accept & appreciate that.

:hugs:

[GypsyKaren]

Daniela, I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear either, and that has nothing to do with being judgmental. You need to get your priorities in order if you ever expect to get anywhere in life with anything. I know that life is tough, this gender business sucks, and I know all about mental illness, but you need to buck up instead of waiting around for a pat on the back and you need to face the truth when it's told to you instead of crying about how hard you have it...and you should be thanking Stephanie instead of expecting an apology.

GK

[DanielMacBride]

*deleted most of what I was going to say because it was pretty blunt and I don't pander to what people WANT to hear...*

What Stephenie and Karen said. That is all.

[AKAMichelle]

You sound like your priorities are out of whack. I am going to talk to you like my son or daughter. Buying video games or anything else you do to make yourself feel better - WON'T! In the end you will always be chasing a feel good moment which will pass and never be found again. You will have to search somewhere else to find it and it won't be there either.

Take control of your life. Find a comfortable way to exist. Either with a roommate or some other arrangement where you aren't threaten to be kicked out of where you live. If you can't pay all of the bills, then cut your spending or find extra ways to earn money. Then when you settle into your life, that book will mean more to you. Because you won't be chasing a feel good moment all the time, allowing you to begin getting to know YOU! You are more than those feel good moments and that is the direction you need to be heading.

[Angel.Marie76]

To concur with the rest of the voices is easy - the first thing you need to do is work on your priorities. There are several methods for doing this - project management classes, as examples, number 'items to do' with 'items that NEED to be done' and abilities to complete said items. This doesn't account for order of operations issues (complete A before B, etc), but it helps you give an idea of what, generally, should / need to be done first. The lower the numbers, the more important the task / and or the need to complete it. List your items, and put three columns beside them. Label 1-5 or x (x being total number of items, should not be larger than 10) with 1 = top priority (pay rent, power, heat), then the next column is 'Ability to complete these items' 1-x with 1 = Can do, without question, etc. down to x being nearly impossible. Your third column doesn't necessarily apply for the numbers game, but is more subjective. For that column, I would say, as an example, rate 'Significant, moderate, little, or None' as an effect on your transition. (So, example: Pay Rent - 1 - 3 - Significant , etc.)

I suggest you leave any level of your transition out of the equation at first. As much as it is difficult to say it, if you don't realize that 'Suitable and relatively guaranteed housing, gainful employment, and reoccurring income' are the REQUIREMENTS for a smoother transition, both for the mental and physical aspects of it all, then you need to stop, listen, and learn. The last column is more for realization of being truthful with yourself. If you cannot be completely (and brutally) truthful about everything that is going on with your life, then you need to work on those issues first, along side the prioritization game, before you do anything else.

Of course, take my words with a rubbing of salt in your wounds if you'd like, toss them to the curb if you wish as well. I know not every person has worked things out this way, and in reality, as often /started/ in this manner and ended up out of a job, and homeless. There's no accounting for the external forces in the world and every possible variable, but you can always make steps in advance to prepare for such circumstances. I'm certainly not immune to these pitfalls myself.

Good luck in hammering out your path.