Problems being a masculine CD

[Sedona]

Hi all,

My first post here. My quandry: Good and bad, but I'm a big, naturally muscular guy (6'3" 200lbs with pretty low bodyfat). I've always had really nice looking girlfriends, but they've all invariably been attracted to me because I kind of look like a basketball player. Anyways, I'm in my mid-30s, and have only "come out" to one girlfriend (lukewarm reaction, and my CDing didn't end the relationship). I broke up with a few others after casual conversations about CDing in general prompted a "that's too freaky, I could never be with a guy who did that," from them.

Anyways, now I've got a great girlfriend who I can see marrying some day. She sees me as a big strong guy with hair on his chest. When I'm single, I shave or wax on occasion, but either way, I could never pass as a woman.

Anybody in a similar predicament? and any advice on how to break the news that her "big manly guy" likes to wear women's undies? I feel that she'll either accept it, or will dump me, but I don't think she'll do something like out me to friends/co-workers. Need some encouraging words.

Thx

[kazeparker]

There is always the option of dressing without her knowledge, but if you feel that your possible future significant other must know of things like that, that is totally understandable. Relationships where couples can accept secrets about each other tend to be the strongest.

I think you were doing the right thing in previous relationships where you brought up the concept of crossdressing without saying it was something you did. That gave you a gauge to know whether or not saying anything would have affected the relationship. I'd recommend that approach no matter what your build, height, weight, anything. Since It's known here that MtF CDers come in many forms, from the feminine guys to the masculine men. At least then you can figure out just how things would probably play out if you were to say anything.

[Helana]

If you see this as a long term commitment then you definitely should tell her now. The longer you wait, the more upset she will be that you could not trust her with your secret.

The best way to tell her IMHO is to sit down for a long heart to heart. Do not surprise her by appearing in a dress! Make sure she understands first that you have a secret which is an important part of you but which you can only share with someone you truely love and want to make part of your life, and that it is very difficult for you to reveal this to anyone. This will make her sympathetic to you while you reveal your secret.

But do realize that it will be a big shock to her and even though she may appear to take it well initially, later on she may change her view. I would refer you to Marla's excellent sticky thread to see how women can swing in and out of acceptance. So take things slowly. Avoid the temptation to immediately dress up as soon as you tell her - even if she asks you too. It is important that she has sufficient time to let the information sink in and let her emotions adjust before you start showing off your feminine self. I am talking about many days here, maybe several weeks. Keep the communication channels open at all times and be 100% honest.

Be ready to take things slowly, one little step at a time. For example if you would like to wear breast forms, wig, make-up etc I would avoid these things initially as they change your whole appearance dramatically and can be too shocking. Better to start with some simple clothing items and slowly build up to a more complete transformation.

Good luck!

[Julie]

This is just one opinion from one guy who has lived with this for over half a century.

In guy mode (no shaving or other alterations) I'm a pretty masculine guy. My ex loved my chest hair as well as all my other body hair. I dated many girls who commented on how they loved guys with hairy chests. I'd guess that could be taken that they also liked hair on the arms and legs. I attracted women who liked men with body hair.

I look back and wonder what women I might have attracted had I begun shaving right from the beginning. I know there are women who like hairy men but I'm sure there are women who like hairless men too. What you present initially is what attracts them from a physical aspect. Sudden changes can be scary for them.

So... Let's say you shaved all the time. And let's say some woman found you attractive when shaved. Now you have eliminated one obstacle to dressing.

If on the other hand you attracted a woman who LOVED your body hair, how do you think she'd feel when you suddenly said, "I'm going to shave everything off." Think about how you'd feel if one of the things that strongly attracted you to her was suddenly eliminated. "I was so tired of having to deal with all this hair so I cut it off" when her beautiful head of hair was what attracted you to her in the first place. Put the shoe on the other foot.

[Sierra]

If you left a pair of panties where she would find them,she would ask who's are these?And you could explain...maybe it worked for me,but... it could be too much for her head. If its just underware most chicks can deal with it but if you say you got be fully dressed they will probally freak[my wife can handle me on hrt and a androgenous look but if I looked like all woman she'd leave me.] :eek:

[Sharon]

Don't play games with your girlfriend by leaving clues for her to find. It's better to just sit her down and plan on having a good, long heart-to-heart conversation with her.
I was never what anyone would consider a "big manly guy," but it was still a surprise to my wife when I told her about myself (I did this long before our marriage). It was definitely the toughest conversation I had up to that time, and my wife went through a lot of emotional highs and lows once I told her, but, thankfully, she never had a problem talking to me about anything.
If you are as serious about your girlfriend as you say, then you owe it to her to be honest about yourself, but that doesn't mean you have to lay everything on her at once. Weigh her reaction to what you tell her, and be ready to answer and re-answer all the predictable questions, and don't get defensive or overly emotional if you can help it.
Good luck!

[jo_ann]

Think about how you'd feel if one of the things that strongly attracted you to her was suddenly eliminated. "I was so tired of having to deal with all this hair so I cut it off" when her beautiful head of hair was what attracted you to her in the first place

My wife threatens me with that.. I'm like "fine, go ahead" because I understand how frustrating long hair can be.. plus I'm the feminine one anyway so why should that bother me?

[RachelDenise]

I think that Helena has given you excellent advice. You need to tell her now and if it works out, so much the better. To hide it from her will only create tension and pain. Read this forum a little while and you will see all that happens. It will take time unless you truly have someone unique. But if she loves you, she should be willing to discuss this and figure out a way to make it work. I also like Julie Marie's advice....shaving may attract women who like men that shave.... why didn't I do this before!

[racquel]

I agree with the majority so far,a long sincere heart-to-heart,no dressing for awhile,no lookie what I found and lots of loving attention.
Lots :)

[Sedona]

Thanks to all for the advice. I'll keep doing my reading, and will break the news to her in the next week or two.

Julie Marie, I think you're on to something. When my girlfriend and I started dating, last year, I'd actually had a smooth chest (didn't take my shirt off for a few weeks). It didn't stop her from dating me, but when I'd probe the topic of smooth vs. hairy, she always just said whatever I liked was fine, but that if given a choice, hairy was in.

And, I do a fair amount of cycling, so this spring, as an experiment, off came the leg hair. She didn't make a big deal about it, but could tell she wasn't too pleased. So it's either been chest or legs for brief periods, never both.

Anyways, she's very loving, and I think my "coming out" will go over okay. Just building up courage.

Thx again!

[karen fox]

Hello everyone,
I have been into CDing for as long as I can remember. Been married for 15yrs but this last year have actually come out to my wife. Of course she knew about it but turned a blind eye to "that monster rearing its ugly head again".
Anyway, we went to a genrder clinic together and she actually saw me dressed for the first time, and in some of her clothes!
She said that I could borrow her's whenever I needed to, but everyone loves to go shopping for their own, don't they?
Over the last few months she has turned agressive and wishes that I was "different". Looks we are back to square one again, and we don't talk about it, almost as though it doesn't exist again.

I just feel like saying to myself, blow-it shave my whole body and go for it!

[emmicd]

You need to come to terms with your crossdressing and start to become more informed about it and also learn how to handle your relationship with your girlfriend and be honest, sincere and most importantly be yourself.

I just ordered "My husband Betty" written by a wife of a crossdresser musician. It is very informative and provides good insight written from the perspective of a wife. I feel this will certainly help me in my relationship with my wife.

Good luck!

Emmi

[Mistress Frillee]

I am going to say, do not do anything "subtle"...... DO NOT leave a pair of panties where she can find them. I do not believe in giving hints. God gave humans the gift of speech, use it. Just come out & tell her, Be a man! ....BUT you have to be confident when you do this ( then again, I am very blunt with people, I HATE political correctness. I do NOT worry at all about peoples feelings, I say whats on my mind, if you do not like it, FU#$ OFF is my attitude)............I was very direct with my last GF. I wore a pair of plain navy panties to bed, I asked her what she thought of my undies the next morning. She DID NOT get the hint ( as I figured she would not) & figured they were nylon speedo type undies. I told her they were panties & is there a problem? I too k it on the fly from there....... ( she was shocked at 1st, but later came around with the help of websites like this & another one about men wearing panties)

The trick is that I let her get to know me for 3-4 months, then once she knew I was not a psycho, I told her.

I just told her that I like to wear what I like to wear & somethimes what I like to wear is in the womens dept. This is a part of who I am. If you do not like it, then perhaps this relationship is not for you. After all, I break NO laws & hurt no people, I just exercise my choices given me under this democracy we live in.

thats it.

Straight out, no horsing around....If she does not like it,


3 words


theres the door.


thats what I did..... It felt SSSSOOOO good to be honest. And if she would have up & left, no worries. It just takes me 1 step closer to the woman I REALLY should be with, one that will accept me. Aceept NO substitutes!

:thumbsup:

[Lauren_T]

... It felt SSSSOOOO good to be honest. And if she would have up & left, no worries. It just takes me 1 step closer to the woman I REALLY should be with, one that will accept me. Aceept NO substitutes!

:thumbsup:



As far as I can see that's the only way to go into a relationship, get it out in the open right up front, but after she's had time to get to know you.

I guess second date might be premature... :p










__________________________________________________ _____________
Women can't complain about men anymore until they develop better taste in them.
~ Bill Maher

[Ayla GG]

Hey there Sedona...

I thought I'd share a GG perspective in regards to when a CD comes out to their SO.

Helena is right about:
Do not surprise her by appearing in a dress! :D

My SO- Ophelia told me about her CDing about 1 month after we started going out. We've been friends & known each other for about 7 years. I asked Ophelia to tell me something that she has never told anyone before. That was when she told me about Cding. The first question that popped in my head was "Are you gay?" I didn't know what Cding meant, I thought Cding=drag queen.
(That seems to be the common reaction from most GGs who are clueless about CDs)


It seems that you've come in to terms as a CD & that's a great thing. Because the more comfortable you are with Cding, who you are/ what CDing means to you, the easier it is to explain & help your girlfriend understand. I think the earlier in the relationship that you tell her about your CDing, the better it is. Cause your girlfriend doesn't have as much as a preconceived notion about who or what you are. As a couple you're still learning each other's boundaries & personality that the CDing can be part of that growth/ learning about each other process. As supposed to CDs who have been married for years & recently came out, their SOs have a set knowledge of who they think their husbands are. Which is why alot of these women not only feel shocked but betrayed as well.


From the way you describe yourself, you sound very masculine. Expect her to be surprised because that would be the natural reaction. I myself was surprised because Ophelia is really masculine as well. In drab Ophelia is tall, dark & rugged looking that I had a hard time imagining him in a dress/ women's underwear. Talk to her calmly, gently, reassure her that wearing women's clothing article is your way of expressing yourself. Let her know that you're not sexually confused & that you love women. Assure her that you won't dress up/ appear en femme without making sure that she's comfortable with it. Let her ask you questions no matter how silly it may seem & don't get defensive. Open communication & dialogue is vital to the relationship. Let her know that this won't change a thing between both of you, that you're still her man & she's still the girl in the relationship. If she loves you, she will accept you for who you are.
She will try & understand where you're coming from, who you are before she ditches the idea of being with a CD. I guess I'm speaking from my own experience with Ophelia. These were the things that helped me feel at ease with my relationship in the early stages.

I was humbled when Ophelia told me about her being a CD & I know the importance of acceptance. I decided that I love her enough to want to try to understand it & accept it.
I never knew what Cding is & never thought about being with a CD but here I am living my life, loving Ophelia & this CD board is part of our everyday life. The CD board is definitely helpful & educational—a great place for CDs & their SOs.

Don’t forget to read Marla GG’s great thread as well about how GG feels & deals with CDing :

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12890

Best of luck to you, I hope things will turn out alright.
Maybe we’ll meet her here in the GG forum ;)