Could it be Time to Give up on my Dreams

[kristyk]

I have been on estrodiol, spiro and progesterone for well over 6 years now. My wants, needs, and dreams are not any closer today than they were 6 years ago. I love that I have feminine qualities small but developed breasts, soft skin, and all the things that go along with taking hormones for 6 years.

However I'm just kidding myself if I think I will ever transition I'm no closer now than I was 6 yeras ago except I have feminine features. I was told by my therpist that even if you don't transition you maybe just as happy taking the hormones and satying as you are. My problem is I love the look I have started to create but if I am not going to transition and I am just fooling myself then taking HRT and making the changes to my body seems risky and maybe uneeded. I have to go but just needed to ask what the others think and if anyone has ever been at the point of going back simply becasue they can't go forward.
Kristy
As you all say hormones is nothing to mess with and taking them when you really are not going to go further for what ever reason. My reasoning is not that I don't want to go further but I have limitations and I don't see myself being able to go any further. As much as I love my breast and my feminien atributes I think I should stop taking them on the grounds I am not going to transition....any thoughts

KristyK

[Elizabeth 66]

I am new here so i don't know how you feel after all this time, but let me pose a question to you! could you actually go back?

I am not a doctor but have done quite a lot of reading, because i wanted to know how permanent the decision to take hormones is. and i have read that some developments are not reversible, such as breast development, enlarged nipples and areolae.

No one can answer your question, that is up to you. but i am sure there are people in your position, that have gone this far and not been able to transition for reasons known to them-self. the important thing is that you are happy with who you are at this present time. whatever other people think should be of less importance to you.

[MarinaKirax]

Hey! you're different from most people, right? Isn't that what started this? So why are you getting hung up on "how different' you are? If you like where you are, then don't sweat that your differentness doesn't make it to the level it's 'supposed to".

If you quit your hormones, some of your changes might stay, but some might go. As you get older, men and women begin to look more like each other, especially in the face and neck, with loose skin, less prominent Adams apple, wider arms and chest, etc. As you get older, the hormones will be less important. I bet you have spent the same amount in 6 years of hormones and drugs that you might have on breast implants. You could always do that.

You are the way you like, right now. If you really weren't, you'd hav e gone further long ago. Accept it. You're happy and perfect as you are, and screw anyone else who says you aren't. :)

[kristyk]

Thanks for the responses
To Sarah HRT should be something that you need to be careful with if you take the meds for a length of time the changes could very well be with you the rest of your life. I started HRT because it was what I felt my life line to staying mentally ok. I would not suggest someone go on HRT to see what it's like you have a lot of risk and a lot to lose but in my case a lot to gain. I would never change going on HRT I question now if I should continue.

To Marina thanks for the encouragement your sweet and very wise, and I agree with you all the way to presenting as a man still and having female features can make life a little awkward.

I appreciate the help
KristyK

[jenna_woods]

no one can advise you what to do hun, its for you to deside to do and your doctor, good luck hun.

[TerryTerri]

KristyK,
I just want to point out to you that in the WPATH standards of care, it states that it is okay to take a hormone regime without transistioning. It says, in effect that in some cases a hormone regime alone provides enough relief from the emotional and mental distress of being transgendered to warrent them, irregardless of if a person transitions or not.
That is currently the case I find myself in. I have been on a hormone regime for over a year now and I have many roadblocks to transitioning that I may or may not get beyond. But, without question I have gotten wonderful relief emotionally and mentally from taking a hormone regime. At this point I hope I NEVER have to give you taking hormones. However, it is a real coin toss on whether or not I may actually transition someday.

Hormones aren't just about the physical changes they make on the body.

Hope that thought helps.

[janelle]

Oh dear I am with you all the way on this one. The only thing for me is I can not go back. I wanted to take my life before & I am sure that is how it would end if I tried. Guess it's best to be in a living hell than dead. Good like sweetie.
HUGS

[kristyk]

Jeana I totally agree with you

My thought in leaving my post was to get opinions so thanks for that Jeana but I have always followed my doctors advice and I'm currently trying to make up my mind my thought was to just get some opinions

If I was lucky though I may find some who had been taking HRT stopped and found life to just suck as it did before they went on HRT. My problem is I don't see me being able to transition from MTF in any form in this life time. I can't keep growing bigger breasts and present as a male. Let me take that back I can present as a male and fill a C cup you can but the look is a bit funny. The women in my family are all well indowed so I should of figured I would be also. Presenting as a male with a C cup is not fun although a C cup in a nice low cut top or a tee shirt looks great for Kristy.:)

Probably not the best erason for wnating to get off HRT but logical in the sense I will be presenting as a male in public for the rest of my life and I will not be transitioning. Things for me would really have to change I'm 48 and taking care of family memebrs is going to be in my future for many years.

KristyK

Janelle your thoughts really hit home and Terry I didn't know that I dod know that being on HRT has made me into a better person just as it has done for you. Terry does the WPATH standards of care say anything about stopping breast devolpment or health hazards with prolong use of Spiro, estrdiol and progestorine.

Thanks so much for the responses

KistyK

[Karen564]

Hi Kristy,

It sounds like a rash decision to stop, but I'm not so sure it will be a wise one.

I would like to think that the reason you started on HRT in the 1st place was because you suffered anxiety to begin with regarding your gender, and HRT took most of that anxiety away...

So if you do stop, you may go back to the way you felt 6 years ago before you went on HRT...and that worries me...
I see no shame by stopping, but I do worry about how you will feel mentally/emotionally if you do stop....

I do feel so saddened, in regards that you feel you or any sister would have to abandon their dream & wishes for whatever reason and wish I could help make all your wishes come true...but imagine there's many out there that have had stop, but how they survive it, only God knows....maybe they have go on antidepressants for the rest of their lives, maybe not & are ok ??

But of course that decision is ultimately yours to make, and whatever that choice is, do know that I will support you 100% ...and if you did choose to stop for a bit, but realize you have to go back on them, we will still always be here for you...:hugs:

Your friend,
Karen
:love:

[pamela_a]

I believe Karen said it very well. There is no shame to stopping or suspending your transition. It is a difficult decision to make but ultimately you are the only one who can decide.

I understand there are many factors in deciding to go forward or not, but what has changed in the past years that has made you question the need to transition? External pressures will always be there no matter what you do. You need to be sure to give credence to the internal ones.

Whatever you decide I wish you well. It's not an easy decision but remember we'll be here for you.

Hugs. Pam

[LaurenS.]

I, like Terry have been on hormones for a year and went on them for the same reason. I also found the relief from the mental anguish that this can cause. Hormones have made my life so much better. I would like to think that I could go off hormones and not have all the "anxiety" return but I don't think it's possible. Kristy are you worried that the mental calmness that hormones provide will abate? It would be nice to hear from someone that did go off hormones and the affect that it had.
Lauren

[CharleneT]

Your transition is "yours", you do not have to go all the way to surgery. If you think you want to go back to living as a male, the breasts may present a dilemma ... as even off the HRT, they will likely stay around. Also, after that long, your body may not produce testosterone in the needed quantities ( to avoid osteoporisis etc). You and your doc will have to figure that out as you back off the HRT -- if you do that is.

In your heart of hearts, assuming that $ was no object, which direction do you feel you would go ?

[Rianna Humble]

I have been on estrodiol, spiro and progesterone for well over 6 years now. My wants, needs, and dreams are not any closer today than they were 6 years ago. I love that I have feminine qualities small but developed breasts, soft skin, and all the things that go along with taking hormones for 6 years.

However I'm just kidding myself if I think I will ever transition I'm no closer now than I was 6 years ago except I have feminine features. I was told by my therapist that even if you don't transition you maybe just as happy taking the hormones and staying as you are. My problem is I love the look I have started to create but if I am not going to transition and I am just fooling myself then taking HRT and making the changes to my body seems risky and maybe uneeded.
KristyK

Hi Kristy,

Sounds like you're on a bit of a downer at the moment, I just want you to know that you are a valuable member of our community and we want to be here for you.

I can't tell you what to do, but would like to suggest some questions for you to consider.

What part of transition seems to be stopping you? Is it not being able to afford GRS?

Are you currently presenting as a woman, or as a man with breasts? If the latter,would it help to do the former?

Could you be happy living as a non-op woman?

We are all different, and I guess we might all have different answers to those questions, but I would hate to think you ended up back where you started just because you can't see an end in sight.

[kristyk]

I couldn't ask for a better bunch of opinions and thought provoking answers, and I'm so glad to be a part of this forum. :)

I still present as a man I have not and I will not be able to transition anytime soon. For me if it happens it'll be when I'm 62 or older probably I am 48 now. My breasts are fairly visable my nipples are always visable and this presents the real problem for me trying to work in a heaveily male populated industry. Kristy loves her body she doesn't want anything to change at all her priorities are set look good love the attention when you get it. The best thing I did for myself was to go on hormones my life turned to the better everyday after after that.

I'm really sorry I started this thread sometimes I just go off on these hair brain notions, but they hit me really hard mentally. My concerns are two fold first I can't possibly keep taking estrogen, progestrine, and spiro for the rest of my life it can't be good for my health, woman are told HRT causes cancer. Then there is the physical aspect if I am going to present as a man for another 15 years I have to hope my growing spurts stop soon for I can't take my shirt off in public that means if I go to the beach a 100F day I have to wear a tee shirt or I win the wet tee shirt contest of all the guys on the beach. Also I can't take my shirt in public for any reason.

I love the way you girls help others and listen well. This is not a big problem for everyone here but it is a hugh deal to me, and each one of you gave me a thought provoking thread which reminded me just why I started HRT in the first place. It's nice to know you'll be behind my decision I think I have more to think about now than just not presenting as a male. I need to be reminded why I started HRT and what it has done for me. I called my therapist on Friday and made an appointment I haven't seen her in a long time maybe it's time for another session.

Thanks Hugzz and Kisses
KristyK

[Rianna Humble]

I'm really sorry I started this thread

Don't be sorry, you are part of our family and we want to be here for you.


I love the way you girls help others and listen well. This is not a big problem for everyone here but it is a huge deal to me, and each one of you gave me a thought provoking thread which reminded me just why I started HRT in the first place. It's nice to know you'll be behind my decision

It is your decision, if we have helped you to make it then it is worth while. Whatever you choose you will still be a valued member of our family.


I think I have more to think about now than just not presenting as a male. I need to be reminded why I started HRT and what it has done for me. I called my therapist on Friday and made an appointment I haven't seen her in a long time maybe it's time for another session.

Please let us know how you get on with your therapist.

[morgan51]

Kristy K. I so empthasize with you. I am 59 and feel transition is a far away possibility but I try each day to keep my eyes on the goal. I have been on hrt long enough to stop most t production so quitting isn't an option for me as I need the hormones to have healthy bones etc. I truly beleive I have a quality life today because of hrt and I have no intention of going back where I came from, depression uneasyness discomfort in my inner feeling 24/7 best of luck to you we are here for you. Morgan

[AKAMichelle]

Maybe I am being a little dense here, but why exactly do you think that you should abandon your dreams?

You mention family but you don't explain the reason. You mention age as one possible reason. But you really don't explain your thinking process that causes you to think it is all in vain.

I personally wouldn't let age be the reason. It seems to be that if you lived the last 10 years of your life as a woman and that is what you have wanted for a long time. It would end up being the best 10 years of your life.

[Linda Z]

I agree with 99% of the posts so far. We all reach a point where we are happy or from which (for various reasons) we do not advance.

I have had to make peace (learn to enjoy) with the cards that were dealt me.

Good luck!

Linda Z

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

Many of the changes after 6 yrs are pretty much irreversible, the breasts will stay, you are most likely sterile and incapable of having an erection and that functioning will most likely remain gone forever. Stopping will do only one thing, it will allow the confusion to return, the anxiety to return.

If you are concerned about the longterm effects of hormones you may consider the lower cost option of an orhicdectomy, the removal of the testes which will allow you to lower the dosage of estrogen to a very low dose and most likely you could stop the spiro and other anti T's entirely. I'm not a doctor but that may be an option for you. The low dose of estrogen would keep the anxiety from returning.

Good luck with your decision, as it is it yours alone. Kimberly Marie Kelly :battingeyelashes:

[TerryTerri]

Kristyk,

I looked over the WPATH Standards of Care and didn't see anything relating to your question. The document is not large and it is written in a manner most can digest and understand. The link directly to it is:

http://www.wpath.org/documents2/socv6.pdf

Hope tht helps. btw, around the Christmas time-frame I tried to go off hormones and essentially put this stuff on the back burner for a time. But, after three weeks I was badically miserable. I was so so quick to anger and the world just didn't sparkle anymore. I went back on hormones and the world reverted back to it's marvy, peachy self. My lesson to me, I can't put this stuff on a backburner. I have no choice but to integrate it into my life, regardless of other stuff. btw, so far I've been able to hide my boobies by, 1. wearing baggier shirts. 2. wearing shirts with front pockets on both sides of the shirt and 3. my manly gut is I have been unable to get rid of so far. So, the tummy kind of camaflages my boobies and if even noticed folks just think I have moobs (man boobs) which is more common amongst overweight man than you think. My secret that gives me an internal smile is that they're real mammory boobies, not manly fat moobs!!

Good Luck girl!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Krystyk

I hope you keep reading this thread and chatting right here...i believe talking it out with lots of different people will help you ALOT your feelings and thoughts are highly valued and help other people too you know :hugs::hugs::hugs:

you don't have to make any final decisions right now, there is no finality to this even if you transitioned!!!

so when you say giving up your dreams, you are putting yourself in a more difficult position..i should know...I DO IT ALL THE TIME....try sayiing..."i need to reconsider my previous decision" and although you are thinking about the same life changing thing, its a little bit easier to think straight..and above all else, thats what you want...you want to be thinking straight...this is your call and unfortunately the burden is on you..thats just the way it is..and u owe it to yourself and your loved ones to think it through..

Your point on the health risks is very interesting to all of us..its been said that transition is the last resort..one of the reasons for this is the health risks...at some point in many of our lives we give up on life itself, and the health risks become secondary to our survival instinct ...thats the point Karen made very well!! perhaps in your case, its less acute but living an entire life depressed and sad is very unhealthy too!!

if you can't transition today, maybe you can consider a plan to transition in the future as you talked about...lots of girls wait until retirement. having this to look forward to may give your female soul the nourishment it needs..

also try keeping a journal...write to yourself and put your innermost thoughts in it even if they sound stupid...look back on it in a month...it might help you hit the pause button instead of the eject button.

Stopping hormones for a bit is not a big deal..not making progress for a bit is not a big deal... many of us trying to transition in our 40's 50's and later did it many times ....even some of us transition, untransition, and then go back to transition...but giving up your hopes and dreams is a very big deal and i hope you can help yourself to stop thinking that way..easier said than done, i know

:hugs:
Kate

[Katesback]

I would say that you should do whatever makes you happy. I personally dont care if you transition or not. I do care that you make a decision you can live with and EXECUTE that decision!

[kristyk]

AKAMichelle my family means a lot to me taking hormones has put me in a really good place. I'm 47 I don't see me transition for at least 15-20 years the lottery would help but not sure that would change my mind.

Kimberly Marie Kelly your correct I'm past the point of any reverse I really don't want to go back. I just want to be able to saty healthy for the next 47 years plus I don't want to go back to my old self I was not completely happya sI am now.Ochi is not in the near picture.

TerryTerri The information on the webpage you sent me is great thanks for all your help.

Kaitlyn Michele thanks for your response, I have mixed emotions on what to do I see my therapist early June and my endo in late June I plan on discussing this with them. My main concern is my health and the effects of being on HRT for such a long period of time.

I made my bed and I'll sleep in it I'm not going to go any further as long as I have a family to raise. I know there are some that have donr this with a family, but I'm functioning fine I can live as a man, not a pleasant thought but one I can live with for now. Staying healthy is just as important as taking the pills.

Thanks all for responding glad therwe was others willing to listen and give their opinions.

KristyK

[sherri52]

If your unable to go any further then there is only one other question. Do you want to stop taking HRT. If you stop you may regress and start getting male features again.

[AKAMichelle]

Now I understand. Sounds like it is definitely something to ask your therapist and doctor.

The only I can tell you is never give up on your dreams, but that doesn't really help you unfortunately since that the reason for the post in the first place. I hope you find the answers that you are searching for.

[RockerTerri]

Be very, very careful about stopping and starting HRT; talk to your doctor BEFORE making changes to your regimen. After 6 years, your body is very used to them, and farting around with your endocrine system needlessly is always a bad, bad idea.

If youve been on HRT for 6 years, thinking it over for a few more days before deciding to make changes wont make any real difference.

[noeleena]

Hi.
I have been on h r t for over 5 years & i can not come off them under any circumstances. s r s .
just to clarifiy some points have you had any blood tests & do you know your ranges as what they are . your t will no dought be down to at lest 1 ./ 2 or less & if its lower you would have to go back on t . more than likely , think about those changes .
& the other body changes that have taken place that you dont see or even know about will,, not if ,,will . cause a lot of problems ,
mentaly you will change & dare i say it for the worse,
apart from other body changes ,

To put it as blunt as i can , dont do it , age too will have a bearing as well so really ,not now ,you need one or the other ether e or t . to go with out it would be bad news ,
If you have to. & i would not ,

See your endo first , before you even think about any thing ,
iv seen what meds can do & thats over 38 years .
meds are not to be played around with . & iv seen the results from them , & its not now or next year its like 5 , 10, years that things will & can happen major details . The other thing is you dont say if you are on other meds that too can change things i may have missed that ,
Just be carefull .

...noeleena...

[kristyk]

The best thing I did was get the groups opinion each thought gave me something to think about. Now I will take my question and ask my doctors and see what they say is the best route to cut down or stop the meds.

I have to think that they would say if you find you need to go back on the meds to let them know, and it maybe better if I go back on them when I know the time is right. All the while being healthier by not taking them physically but the real question is going to be how I deal with not taking my meds emotionally.

Thanks Again
KristyK

[pamela_a]

Kristy, whatever you and your doctors decide just be sure to take care of yourself. Despite your intention of doing this to take care of your family it will all be for naught if it adversely affects your physical and/or emotional health. One of the most difficult lessions I had to learn was I can't take care of anyone else if I didn't take care of myself too, and learning it almost killed me.

Be safe and smart, do what you need to do. Just never give up on your dreams. Without dreams there is no reason for tomorrow. :hugs::hugs:

[Traci Elizabeth]

Obviously, this is a serious medical, mental, & emotional question that should be discussed with your medical doctor & mental health practitioner. Not something you should rely on from any of us.

You also did not mention your family. I assume you are married. (these are rhetoric questions) Does your wife know you have been on meds for 6 years? Does she support your transition thus far? What are her feelings on the subject?

The only reason I bring these issues up is that you seemed more concerned about "others" influence on your transitioning than your own personal desires. No one can tell you if thinking of others first or yourself is right for you. Only you can do that.

But know this! Even if you, your doctor, your mental heath practitioner, and/or your spouse all or partially agree that you are safe to go off your meds, there is NO defeat or NO weakness in going back for now or forever.

Each of us are different and our journeys will vary from everyone else. This is one trip we all take from deep within ourselves.

Whatever you chose (after medical consultation) it will be RIGHT for you at this point in your life.

There is no shame or lack of honor waiting until you retire and/or become an empty nester to re-start your transition. Even if you never go back, you will be a more better you for the journey you have traveled.

Good luck dear sister.

[kristyk]

Noeleena the kind of information you talk about is exactly what I plan on discussing with my doctor, Im on estrogen 4mg, Spiro 200Mg and progesterone 20 mg aday.

My wife has known for 8 of our married years she has seen a great improvement in my anger management issues and my fly off the handle about nothing issues.

Your correct though Pamela I do need to take care of #1 and then be able to help others. I plan on treading through this issue with my doctors carefully and make an educated decision.

Thanks to all for caring I didn't know I was going to get such a great response from all of you. I apprecaite the effort in helping fill me with information and your thoughts on the subjetc Noeleena I have been getting regualr lab work my last time I went was a little over 6 months ago and all was good my testosterone level was incredable low doc said everything is just were it should be for me