tell SO or no?

[GingerLeigh]

Is it better to carry on like you never CD, or tell all to the wife? I fear it will end our relationship, and we all would suffer as a result. I suffer alone in silence keeping this secret. Expose it and we all will suffer terribly. Opinions?

Ginger

[Mackenzie]

Ginger,
Some time back I visited Colorado. There is this place called the Royal Gorge. It has an awesome suspension bridge going over it. To venture out of the bridge could be deadly if it is weak and ready to break. However, as I looked it over, it looked well-constructed. So, ever so hesitatingly, I marched out on the bridge. I even jumped up and down. It held me up!!!

How strong is the bridge of your relationship with your wife. Can the "bridge" bear the load of your honesty and truth to her? As for me, honesty is the best policy. Often, it's how the message is packaged and presented.

If you would like to talk further, I would be glad to be a listening ear and maybe have some helpful words. You can PM and we can "talk" that way or by phone.

My wife and I have counseled couples over the years in and through many of life's situations. If both people in the relationship are committed to the other without reservation, then they can work through anything! We have seen some marvelous things.

Mackenzie

[AKAMichelle]

Is it better to carry on like you never CD, or tell all to the wife? I fear it will end our relationship, and we all would suffer as a result. I suffer alone in silence keeping this secret. Expose it and we all will suffer terribly. Opinions?

Ginger

That is for you to answer. But you should read about many of us who waited and waited to tell our SO. The continuation of all those lies and covering it up. The lack of trust because you hid something for 5 years will be less than 25 years. The consequences are brutal, but not telling and finally doing so or having her discover it on her own is much much worse.

Also remember what if she finds your stash of clothes. Are you going to lie to cover it up? That puts another brick in place on the wall between you and your wife. Eventually the two of you are on different planets when the shock is finally revealed. Your marriage will be so broke that nothing short of a miracle will save it.

[Brandi Wyne]

I have crossdressed for most of my life and I have been married to the same woman for forty-two years. I finally was able to broach the subject and really tried and had hope that there would be good things come out of my being more forthcoming. I just got kicked to the curb and divorced. It was always something I dreaded and avoided, thinking one more lie or a little more time would do it.

My advice is, if you want this life tell her now and take what comes with it NOW. That way you and she can have more years following the paths you each take. Hopefully, it'll all go well and you can enjoy a caring and open relationship together.

Good luck:thumbsup:

[lingerieLiz]

There is no question that you must tell her. I told my wife when we were first dating, but I've know of those who did not and that caused the wives even more to not trust them in the future. Besides the added anguish is not worth it. What if she is totally accepting and you miss out years of a good life.

[Katesback]

Good question. If you told her do you think you would want to then dress and present a woman to her? If you answered no the there really is no reason to tell her? I am sure you don't tell her everything!

Now if you were to tell her because you want to present a woman to her then it does make some sense....... But then even if she does not run from you ya still might suffer because of a variety of reasons. Example I have seen trans people go over the top in spending money on tons of things. Or they will constantly escalate their trans aspects to the wife. Another aspect is that a number of identified CDs are really transsexual and the wife might come to realize that she is actually married to a girl. I could go on but truth is she married a man and being trans is not something that was part of the contract when she said I do.

I suppose it is a really problematic issue that really has few happy endings. This might be surprising but truthfully I as a trans person would be very critical about dating another trans person because as I see it if I was to date a guy I would want a guy! Not saying I would not rule it out completely but I would have to think hard!

Ps trans is all trans people including cd to ts.

[Billijo49504]

My wife loves to shop with her and Billijo, Because I always pay for the things we buy. Wether it's at Dot's or at LB or AVe, I still pay. She loves it...BJ

[giuseppina]

Hi Ginger,

There's a very good sticky at the top of this section by Marla GG about how to tell your wife.

There are plenty of stories about telling the SO on this forum. To summarise, you can expect shock, anger, and a sense of betrayal from your wife. She may or may not know that something is up.

It is not a good idea to go headlong into the pink fog if she accepts, as this could easily backfire in a big way.

Good luck, whatever you decide. :hugs:

[kimdl93]

lots of food for thought. I've done it both ways. I didn't tell my first wife (didn't entirely know what I was myself, so I don't feel I can be faulted for not telling her) but as it became apparent to her that I was a CDer, it was tolerated...until other parts of the relationship fell apart. Then it became one more issue.

So, after the divorce, when I finally ventured out into the world again, I made sure to tell my SO (now my wife of 10 years) before we were too deeply involved. It has made all the difference. She knows, accepts and supports. I have boundaries, to be sure, but they are boundaries that we both agreed upon and are comfortable with.

I won't tell you what you should do - tough call - and I would not want to be in the position again.

[RockerTerri]

I told my SO about it, and it was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back with our relationship; I dont think we would have lasted long even if i hadnt, and we werent together long, < 2 years. But, it did sort of freak her out. Had it been a more stable relationship, I still probably would have told her, but I am TG, we werent married, and I knew I had to change; better after 2 years that we break it off, than after 20. Did it end because of me being TG? Yeah, officially, I guess it did. But if i had lied, would have probably ended anyway, and if not, Id just linger on in misery. Wasnt for me.

Keep in mind how you might feel if she came to you and said she liked to dress as a man, complete with facial hair, body hair, etc., or more, that she wanted to be a man. Might be a shock, to say the least, right? Thats about what this is like to our SOs at first; its pretty unfathomable. Once you tell her, you cant take it back.

Sadly, there is no right answer, everyone is different, and our SOs react differently. Best of luck with your decision, I hope either way, that it works out well!

[MsJanessa]

It's really up to you---if she accepts it you will have a big sense of joy and relief that you don't have to hide it anymore---but then she may not accept it and just walk out---or worse use it as ammunition in a divorce case( although these days most judges really aren't interested in hearing about this type of thing) Whatever you decide, good luck

[unclejoann]

Do it NOW or don't do it ever. It will only be worse to wait.

It has been rough in my current marriage because I waited 10 years, but in previous marriages it was much better accepted.

It is a gamble, but if it causes a break up now, it is better than a break up later. I think.

[eileendover]

If you're not sure, or if you're not ready to accept the consequences good or bad, then don't tell.

If you tell her, you can't change your mind, you can't take it back.
my :2c:

[~Michelle~]

I fear it will end our relationship.

It wouldn't be a good relationship if she would end your marriage over this now would it? Especially if you would compromise by saying that you would only dress in private with her not seeing it. Sure, some women do end the relationship, but in that case I always ask myself how good the marriage was to begin with or whether the husband pushed the crossdressing too far. If you have a strong marriage, then I don't see why you should be afraid to tell her.

I told my wife many years ago before we got married and it didn't bother her and never has, she's actually quite supportive. It's all about finding the right balance. The biggest downfall for most crossdressers in my opinion, is being too selfish. I've always successfully avoided that by having a regular conversation about the subject with my wife and also by often looking at things from her perspective.

[Imogen_Mann]

I've always been up-front about it. Day one kind of stuff. Like... Tea with 2 sugars, yes I snore, no I hate CSI and by the way, I dress as a girl some days.

So far, 100% acceptance, but... I've only had 4 long-term GF's.

You need to keep an eye on the balance, and go with what keeps YOU happy.

[RachelPortugal]

It wouldn't be a good relationship if she would end your marriage over this now would it? Especially if you would compromise by saying that you would only dress in private with her not seeing it. ....... If you have a strong marriage, then I don't see why you should be afraid to tell her.

Quite true! As you, like many of us, are only a part-time CD then setting boundaries (when, where, with whom, $ costs etc.) with your wife about your CDing activities would not change your current situation but it would mean that you are no longer deceiving her. A strong marriage should survive you being truthful.

However, as you have not told her already, does the secrecy of your CDing excite you? No more secrecy may ruin the passion. Although, I doubt if this is the case seeing as you are thinking about telling her.

Rachael

[Sheila]

The GG's have a thread running it might be worth having a read over as well as Marla's wifes one
If we GG's could say anything/ The good and the Bad (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=106619)


I have had two relationships with TGs, the first I found out about 2 1/2 years afterwards, he lied when I found out, he lied all the way through, in the end it was the lies that killed our relationship, not his dressing, the lies ......... had he been honest, open and given me time and been able to talk to me about where he thought he was at/was going, then we may well have still been tog today, he didn't and we seperated 2 years exactly to the day I discovered he was a CDer


I met Debs on here 5 months after my previous relationship broke up and we married 10 months 20 days later, :), she is open honest, keeps things in perspective, we talk about everything, we have a life tog and that includes her completely .............. what I am trying ot say is if your wife accepts, remember you two had a life before she found out that you are TG, so please remember that you still have a life tog post her finding out, it may take her some time to accept it may not, she may never accept, nobody can be sure one way or the other, but how would you feel if she hit you with a big dark secret of her own ? Being honest I think it would be better coming from you than her discovering it at a later date, but I don't know you or your wife and can only say how I dealt with it best, I hated the lies :straightface:

If/When you tell her can you let her know we have a fantastic GG only forum here called FAB where she can come talk with other GG's, who are at varying stages on this road from newbies finding out to those who have remained with their current partners all the way through to transition and the life they have now :)


Good luck

[StephanieDragg]

I was much happier after I told my wife after over twenty yrs of marriage, it did take her a bit to understand. I can understand how a woman could be upset as I felt it was a gross misrepresentation as to who I really was. If I had to do it all over I would tell my SO up front. We have a little fun with it now as we shop together and she has become like a gf to Stephanie, but it goes no farther than that as she is not attracted to me as a woman. It is very nice having her as a girlfriend. I feel I was very fortunate after all that time to admit that. I hope it works well for you but may take time, be very patient as she sorts out her feelings about it if you tell her. It will open avenues of conversation about it, It worked for me my letting her see my feminine side a little at a time. Good Luck!:)

[BRANDYJ]

Is it better to carry on like you never CD, or tell all to the wife? I fear it will end our relationship, and we all would suffer as a result. I suffer alone in silence keeping this secret. Expose it and we all will suffer terribly. Opinions?

Ginger

Hi Ginger,
You give us so little to go on. You did not tell us your age, how long you've been married, if you have kids or anything about what your wife might be like.

I think you know your wife and how she feels about other alternative lifestyles. Is she real religious? Does she express dislike for gays? Not that CD's are gay, but it can give you a good idea how she feels about those of us that express ourselves in ways that are not considered social norms.

Secondly, how is the marriage in general? Does she seem like she is happy in life and still in love with you?

Have you ever tried feeling her out like watching a movie that has CD characters in it? Have you even joked about wearing her nightgown or bra or anything that could give you a hint to her reaction?

Do you both talk out any other issues that come up. Does she share her inner most thoughts and concerns with you? The key is how well do you communicate? Basically what I'm asking is how strong is your marriage to begin with?

All of these things are factors before any of us can offer any other advice.
The results will vary based on her religious up bringing and beliefs. Her age has a lot to do with it as well as how long have you been married.

Have you ever given her reason to not trust you and your being faithful to her?

Only you know the answer to most of the questions I brought up.

As for me, I have told not one, but two past wives about my being a CD. The first one died after10 fantastic years together. She was the first person I ever told and I was scared to death since I had no idea that others even existed like me. That was back before the Internet came along making it easy to gain education. It took 2 weeks for her to calm down, erase her fears and start accepting and later enjoying that part of me.

My now ex-wife and I were together for 19 years. She took as "so what" No big deal. It was never an issue between us and had nothing at all to do with the reason we divorced. Today we are still good friends. We can and do call each other when either of us needs to talk or vent.

My currant girlfriend knew from day one since we met on a site for us in an alternate lifestyle (Dominant/ submissive and other BDSM related lifestyles. So I am lucky that part of what attracted her to me was the fact that I am not only submissive, but a crossdresser.

There is no way I'd ever go back to hiding my crossdressing from a woman I love. My heart goes out to you and hope you can finally quit hiding. It definitely is not helping your marriage.

I wish you well.

[Karren H]

If you can carry on like you weren't a crossdresser more power to you!!! I couldn't.. And I was never ever going to tell her.. But she found out and it wasn't pretty. Lots of sreaming and crying and carrying on... She was pretty upset too!!

[5150 Girl]

One of thease days she WILL stumble onto your "stash" and when that happens, it will be a real bad scene. Will you be confronted maybe, maybe not... but one thing is for sure... Things will likely be assumed, like you're having an affair(s) (this happend to me with my first wife) If she figgures they stuff for yours, then you become a lier and now she has trust issues. What other secrets are you keeping?
This board is full of storys of those who thought they had the perfect hiding place, then one day an extordenary set of circomstances led the wife to the stash.
Not to mention your constant stress... "OMG, I'm so sick of having to hide",,, or the constant worry of will she find my stash? Waht if,, what if,,, what if.....

[Nigella]

Simple answer

Why ask us? you have to make the decision.

You know you will get those who say yes and those who say no, but will it really make any difference? :2c:

[Shelly Preston]

Is it better to carry on like you never CD, or tell all to the wife? I fear it will end our relationship, and we all would suffer as a result. I suffer alone in silence keeping this secret. Expose it and we all will suffer terribly. Opinions?

Ginger

Well you sound as if you have decided already not to tell her

But It does not always have a negative outcome when someone tells their partner

[CharleneT]

I agree with Karren and 5150 girl, she's going to find out some day. I'm not saying you *have* to tell. But a good idea would be to find a way. There are thousands of stories about this issue in hundreds of threads here. Nigella is right though, this is a very personal thing and for you to decide the if, the when and how it could work. I would try and make sure the conversation happens in a calm and neutral environment and time... Maybe test the temp a little by pointing out a newspaper/online article about a CD OR rent one of the CD movies and see what she says ?

Good luck !

[Marissa_Black]

Maybe this is easier to say because I'm single but I strongly believe that if you love a woman enough that you want to marry her, spend your life with her, have kids with her, protect her, and trust her with your life then you owe it to her to tell her about your crossdressing BEFORE you get married. If she runs away from you then she wasn't the woman for you. I know that if I was the wife and I found out that my husband was a CDer I would leave for good simply because he wasn't forthcoming with me, didn't trust me, and didn't care to find out before hand whether this was something I could live with. And most importantly...what else is he hiding from me??? I have talked with many CDers that have had marriage problems stemming from their CDing. They all have various reasons for not telling...I can control it, she'll leave, I'll never find someone that will accept it so I'll hide it. I am not trying to alienate anyone here but those are very selfish reasons. It's kind of like "I'm going to crossdress or I need to crossdress and if I can't find someone to accept it I'll marry someone and sneak around to crossdress." I know there are other reasons but this one bothers me the most because it leaves out the potential spouses right to decide if that's what she wants in her life or not. That's just one single t-gurls opinion which probably explains why I'm still single...LOL.

[GingerLeigh]

Honesty, hmmmm....
Well, how many of you were honest from the get go with a woman, and she laughed you out the door and told everyone you knew? It's not as simple as "I'm going to crossdress or I need to crossdress and if I can't find someone to accept it I'll marry someone and sneak around to crossdress." I think there are many of us out there that thought they could control it, quit it, stop altogether. After all, it's something we do, not something we are right? At least that's our initial perception before we find ourselves trouble.
That said, yes I made a mistake not telling her. I had legitimate reasons for doing so, and fear of rejection wasn't the only one. I think most of us live in fear and sadly it influences our decisions. It's great that some of us can stand by our convictions and "damn the torpedoes", but I'll bet it's an awfully lonely life for most. I chose to keep it a secret. Now I must pay the price for my decision. Tell or not tell, what's better? Sacrifice my children and wife's stability and happiness for my peace of mind?
I guess my question was if anyone thought it was selfish of me to tell my wife. Would she want to know.

Ginger

[Sheila]

Opinions?

I hope sincerely that your secrecy does not come back to bite you in the butt one day :straightface:

[KayC]

This has been covered in so many threads it's almost boring! Honesty IS the best policy. Repercussions are more likely to result from lies than CDing. Go slow and be sensitive with it.

[5150 Girl]

Honesty, hmmmm....
Well, how many of you were honest from the get go with a woman, and she laughed you out the door and told everyone you knew?

Well,,, If you're honest from the start, before you have to much emotional investment, so what if she laughs you out the door. F- her, there's plent of ohter fish in the sea. Tell her ealy, before she knows who your freinds are, then she can't tell anyone you know. Besides that, Who would be so petty as to run arround telling everyone she knows about little secret of ssomene she just met,,, I mean come on,,, really....

Listen, I told my Polar Bear form the start. Admitedly, I was Sarah Palin for Holoween at the time, so that made it a bit easyer to tell,, , but I knew I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. I told her before we even exhanged phone numbers. If she bolted, no harm, no foul. Luckily she was cool with it and stayed arround.


"I'm going to crossdress or I need to crossdress and if I can't find someone to accept it I'll marry someone and sneak around to crossdress." I think there are many of us out there that thought they could control it, quit it, stop altogether. After all, it's something we do, not something we are right? At least that's our initial perception before we find ourselves trouble.

Yep, this is what we've been trying to tell you... You can't quit, so tell her before you get busted!


That said, yes I made a mistake not telling her. I had legitimate reasons for doing so, and fear of rejection wasn't the only one. I think most of us live in fear and sadly it influences our decisions.
I guess my question was if anyone thought it was selfish of me to tell my wife. Would she want to know.

Yes, I think she would. It's better than haveing her find your stash and feel she's been lied to, or worse yout, like you're having an affair! (been there, done that)
And when you do tell her, make dam sure you tell her of your fear of rejection and what not.


Now I must pay the price for my decision. Tell or not tell, what's better? Sacrifice my children and wife's stability and happiness for my peace of mind?

First of all, we're not talking about just your peace of mind here... She can likely scence you're got somthing knawing at your gut, that there isn't thing one she can do for you... Is that fair to her?
I say if your relationship is stable enough, (and it sounds like it is) you wil work it out in the long run and be happier for it! Yes, there may be some short term tears, but there is a bigger picture to look at here.

[~Michelle~]

Honesty, hmmmm....
Well, how many of you were honest from the get go with a woman, and she laughed you out the door and told everyone you knew?
There is a difference between saying it after only a few weeks or months or saying it when you've built up a really strong relationship, because I strongly believe such a relationship (married or not) can handle this issue!

If you have even the slightest doubt that your relationship isn't ready for it, then you should first focus on your relationship and not the crossdressing issue.

Be aware though, many crossdressers will tell you that you can't turn the crossdressing off and often when you think you have it under control, it hits back harder than you think and you will have more urge to tell her than ever before, but be aware that delaying it decreases in most cases the chance for success. Do you think you are capable of hiding this secret for let's say another 25 years? I wish you a lot of luck if you choose that path, because you're going to need it!

[JulieC]

Tell or not tell, what's better? Sacrifice my children and wife's stability and happiness for my peace of mind?
I guess my question was if anyone thought it was selfish of me to tell my wife. Would she want to know.

Ginger

There's no right answer here. All answers are potentially disastrously wrong.

You ask us if she would want to know. We have no way of knowing that. We can't help you with that particular question.

Is it selfish to tell her? Again, no right answer. It can easily be viewed as selfish to NOT tell her. It can also be seen as deceitful, undermining of trust, and mortally damaging to your relationship if you don't tell her and she finds out. What if she finds out after you die? Will she understand why there's women's clothes that aren't hers in a box deep in a closet? Not telling her can be viewed as being incredibly selfish so you don't have to face the pain of her questions.

You're in a pickle of your own making. There's no right answer, no solution that is perfect that you can discern without 20/20 hindsight.

I'm very sorry you're in this situation. I wish I could sit down with every crossdresser before they get married and have a deep conversation with them about the realities of who and what they are, and how that might or might not work in the relationship they are about to commit to marriage.

When you're unmarried, telling in my opinion is ALWAYS the right answer. When you're married, the equation changes. When children become involved, all answers are out the door. Your children didn't volunteer for this. They are innocent potential victims. You've already victimized them by not telling your then wife to be.

Only you can answer these questions. We can support you, commiserate, offer stories that you might find some help in, etc. But, only you can answer the questions.

[Lorileah]

Yay!!! My favorite subject!!! Tell or don't tell.

It seems hard for me to reason that keeping a secret, a secret that involves how YOU feel inside and being kept in that state, could possibly be good for you. Side two, lying for years and years and not sharing how you feel with your SO or allowing them to be a part of this seems like it isn't right.

On the other hand you keep it quiet, you brood, you do things you know are wrong, you get angry with your SO for no reason, you get depressed, you end up hating each other. Can't see that as good for the marriage at all.

You fear the loss of your marriage. But you don't fear that when you get caught, and you probably will, that all the bad things your wife has ever heard about men who wear women's clothing will come out. You tell her now and you have a frank discussion. You answer those questions in a less hostile environment. You maybe make some compromises to see if you both can work it out so you are both happy.

OR you wait, she finds your stuff...hmm panties are they his or maybe trophies?...OMG a skirt! He probably wears that to meet men!!! Breast forms!!!! He wants to be a girl!!!! Get the point?

And as to divorce, crossdressing just may be the final excuse. If your wife leaves you over wearing something, there is more going on than that. (you never hear that from the "poor me's" who say that wifey is divorcing them because they found him prancing in the mirror in a thong...maybe its the deception?).

*poster awaits the angry mob of hidey feary people here*



I guess my question was if anyone thought it was selfish of me to tell my wife. Would she want to know.


selfish of who? You? Wasn't it selfish to hide it because you were afraid? Selfish to take years away from her that because YOU made the decision that she could not handle it? Selfish that you wanted total control over the relationship by hiding things. That was the selfish part. Would she want to know. I have never met anyone who would rather be kept in the dark than be allowed to make their own decisions. OK maybe one but she never matured mentally beyond 13.

[GingerLeigh]

Ouch.

I think I'll just climb back into my old shell here......

[pernille d]

intersesting to give a corret answer , thats only up to you to decide but i will add this to the thread .

20 + years as a crossdresser and 22 with or married to my wife and outed on monday ,, from the early days i allways wanted to tell her but i was young and in those days i thought i was all alone with my secret , the occasion never arrised that i felt i could tell her , so hideing in the closset became a way of life. take it from me it affects your life and in the last years it has put a big strain on our relationship .to the point it was going not too well, i always thought i was invinceable at hideing it and my clothing but made just one mistake ( mainly as i was getting tired of hideing clothing). the thing was that it was not the fact i was a crossdresser but the fact i had lied to her , that hurt her the most and i found out that she had thought that thee was something wrong with her,

take it from me from somone that was prepaird to take t to the grave that 1,you will slip up sometime .2 it will affect you 3 it will affect your relationship,and i feel a lot better as 22 years of weight on my sholders , just vanished , and beleive it or not my wife said today , that she can come to tearms with it ,if it makes me less stressed and the old person she married ,

so i am in the boat for telling from the start , its not te easy way but the only bet way

[Nicole_LovesRay-Ray]

Hi,
My S/O told me a few weeks into dating. It didnt change my feelings for my S/O but it was hard to understand and accept at first. But I never once thought about ending things or walking out, because of it. Honestly I think it depends on your S/O..just remember be gentle and give your S/O space to figure it out. Best wishes
oxoxo
Nicole:battingeyelashes:

[Satrana]

I guess my question was if anyone thought it was selfish of me to tell my wife. Would she want to know.


I have heard from a number of GGs who stated that they wished that had never been told. Their happiness vanished the day their perceptions of their husbands were irreversibly changed. In a sense you can argue that if you decided not to tell your wife before marriage then that is a secret you should take to your grave alone. You made the decision by yourself so it is solely your burden.

If your desire to tell her is only to lessen your guilt and burden then yes that is selfish. If you are sharing the secret because of your love and respect and desire to move forward together as a team then that would be a good motive.

But I am sure you are aware that on the roll of the dice the outcome is more likely to be negative than positive. Even if it does not end in divorce it will often generate a significant wedge that will destroy the love you feel for each other.

It must feel like an impossible situation to decide upon almost like you are gambling on your life itself. But if you do decide to tell her, do it for the right reasons and do right by her by telling her the whole truth and being incredibly patient with her. And pray you married a good loving person who can think objectively, can empathize and most importantly forgive. Forgiveness is at the heart of love because we are all human and make mistakes.

[Sheila]

Ginger Satrana makes good points, so some questions

1) What would be your motives for telling your SO ?

2)What would be your motives for not telling your SO ?

3) Have you considered the options of her discovering against you telling .......if so what conclusions did you come to in those regards ?

[Heather Daniels]

This is something that I have been wrestling with for quite some time now.
I decided very early on not to say anything about this side of me.Like some of us, I thought "it" would go away after marriage.Like all of us, I found that "it" didnt go away, and in fact has become stronger over the years.
Would she accept it? I'm not sure. She has allowed me to wear lingerie in the bedroom before and has even bought me lingerie in the past. I assumed that it was purely "bedroom fun" for the both of us. I know that she has enjoyed the times that I have been enfemme, because I become much more sensitive to her needs and wants. I actually think I am a better lover enfemme than in guy mode. I'm just not sure how she'd react to me telling her that I dress completely and enjoy it very much.
One side of me says to tell her....afterall the closet door has been opened even if just slightly. The other side of me says to keep quiet and hope that if she discovers me in the future, she will say that she has known for years and doesnt care. This is something that only I can decide upon. I really dont want her image of me to change. I dont want her to think of me as a girly boi because I do enjoy being a male at times too, but, my femme time is very important to me also.
I dont know......... others have said that this is a blessing for us, while others have said it's a curse. I find myself on the fence about it. It is a blessing because it provides an outlet from the stress of daily life, and provides us the opportunity to express our inner feelings. It's a curse because it causes so much inner turmoil in us. The hiding and worrying cause stress in itself at times.
I would never tell another sister that...."yes you must tell and stop the deceit and lying". I just dont think anyone other than the individual can decide this. I've also never understood why it is deceiving and lying.
I have never been asked if I am a cd, therefore I have never lied when answering. If she would ever ask, I'd have to say yes I am. And....what have I deceived her about? She has never asked me if I dressed as a woman or if I have a secret stash of femme clothes. If asked, then I would have to answer yes to that too. If anyone could enlighten me on this, I would truely appreciate it.
I think we all have different reasons for telling or not telling. Only the individual can have insight into whether they will be accepted or not.
We are all sisters here, but in reality, we are all mostly strangers too.
The decision to tell or keep it a secret is a very personal one and should be made by the individual.

[Sheila]

The decision to tell or keep it a secret is a very personal one and should be made by the individual.

I agree but, and is there not always a but,

Does the SO not have the right to know why her partner is grumpy, moody and withdrawn on occasions, when he cannot dress & trust me I am an accepting GG and when for whatever reason Debs does not/cannot dress and gets snappy, moody and a general pain in the butt, at least I know why and can therefore understand and try to make time for her to be able to .......... BTW she has no dressing restrictions other than those she makes or circumstances force on her

[Heather Daniels]

Sheila, you make a very good point. When I find myself without any dressing opportunity's, and the need is strong, I try to find other things to do to try and put my femme self away till I have the chance to dress.
Does it always work......no....not always, but I try very hard not to let myself get to be a pain in her butt as you put it. Even though every thought of mine might be of something femme, I'll busy myself with mundane "manly" things, or simply get out of her way and try to not be a bother to her.
I've dealt with this for so long that is rather easily accomplished.
I have no idea why God has blessed/cursed me with these feelings to dress and become feminine. All that I do know is that I try to balance both sides of me in a way that I hope does not hurt or harm anyone.

[JulieC]

It was not the fact I was a crossdresser but the fact I had lied to her; that hurt her the most

I think this needs be repeated a zillion times until it burns into the brain of ever crossdressing male in the world like a thousand suns bursting into supernova at once.

I haven't done an exhaustive scientific study. But, I have been more or less keeping track of acceptance in my personal experiences, in those of others, and in some surveys here. A more or less accurate rule of thumb; about 10% of women will be actively, strongly accepting and encouraging of crossdressing in their spouses. About 10% will be utterly rejectful, and will work very hard against it, including divorce.

The 80% in between those extremes span a spectrum of acceptance levels. Towards the unaccepting end of that spectrum, many women will break up with a guy they are dating on finding out he likes to wear women's clothes. Towards the accepting end, it won't phase them much at all.

In net sum; about 50% or so of women will not break up with you for being a crossdresser.

What is far, far, far worse from a woman's perspective is deceit, lying, hiding, withdrawing yourself, not respecting the relationship, etc. All of these are symptomatic of hiding crossdressing.

A lot of guys out there are jerks. Serious jerks. I would not want to be a heterosexual woman for that very reason. Having to date so many disgusting toads trying to find Prince Charming has got to be a seriously daunting task. Keep sticking your hand in the boiling water trying to get the tasty lobster. Uhg!

There are plenty of "good men" who don't crossdress. There's plenty of "good men" who do crossdress. Crossdressing for the vast majority of women doesn't make you evil, bad, a jerk, etc. Women aren't raised dreaming of their knight in shining wedding dress of course, but most women definitely want to avoid seriously destructive (alcoholism, physical abuse, cheating, drug use) and insipid behaviors (laziness, unkempt, bad parent, can't hold a job, terrible with money, lying, etc.). A few women lump crossdressing in with those behaviors. Most don't.

But when you actively lie, hide, maintain deceit, withhold significant knowledge about you, etc...that pushes you into the realm of the men who are to be avoided. If you can maintain a lie for so long, what else are you lying about? Saying "Honey, I swear to God this is the only thing I've ever lied to you about" carries as much weight as "Honey, I swear to god I cheated on you just that once". Crossdressing has a terminus; crossdressing. Lying doesn't have a terminus. It breaks trust, and can go on forever. If you have the lack of conviction to the marriage and morals to lie, that's a permanent defect to many people. It's the 'gift' that keeps on 'giving'. Crossdressing doesn't undermine trust. It doesn't cheat on the spouse. It doesn't come home drunk. It doesn't become physically abusive. Contrast with what lying and deceit can bring about. The math becomes pretty simple.

There are several contributors to this forum who told their wives after many years of hiding, who in hindsight wish they had never told their spouse. There are several contributors to this forum who told their spouse after many years of hiding, found her accepting, and wish they had not spent all those years hiding. 10%/10%. Somewhere in the 80% is where most of us are with regards to the acceptance level of our spouses.

None of us can determine how a spouse will react; not even the person married to her. People can change too. I had one girlfriend who was quite repulsed by the idea of me even wearing pantyhose. A few months later, (leaving out some very steamy details) she was wildly excited about it. You just don't know.

What everyone knows is that lying and deceit are not recipe ingredients for a healthy relationship.

[5150 Girl]

Ouch.

I think I'll just climb back into my old shell here......

Why? because we didn't tell you what you wanted to hear, that it was ok to keep lying to your wife, and hiding a part of yourslef from her?
Myabe I got the wrong idea, but that is the impression i get from your posts.

[Heather Daniels]

Please don't banish me to the land of a thousand burning suns, but.......

Is everyone that has a SO, so upfront with them that they tell them EVERYTHING about everything they have ever done? Do you not think your SO may have a few small hidden items in their closet too?
Hypothetically speaking...........lets say you bowl on Tuesday nights. Your wife/girlfriend has time alone and likes to pamper herself a bit. Her favorite activities are taking a hot bubble bath, and then pleasureing herself with her special toy. Is it wrong for her to not tell you all about it? Does she owe you that?
Marriage is a two way street and even though two people have been married or living together for a long time....do they not have a right to some personal space? I'm afraid this is one of those discussions that we will just have to agree to disagree on?

[Nigella]

Heather I can understand where you are coming from ...

... but ...

... this is not about a little secret me time but about a major part of who you are. No I don't tell my SO everything, no doubt she does not tell me everything. The maxim we use is simple, if it has an impact on both of us, then it should be shared.

It makes no difference to me if she went to play with a toy, if she needs that fine, no impact on me, I just may not be in the mood. If she wanted to be a man, then yes that has an impact on US, our life together, how that would change would discovered later, but if she went ahead and did it without discussing it with me, then I would simply say that is what you want, go for it, but why didn't you discuss it with me, do I not mean that much to you after all these years?

See the difference??

[Sheila]

Julie I applaud post 41 from you wholeheartedly and I hope all will read it.

However I am sorry you are wrong when you say this


What everyone knows is that lying and deceit are not recipe ingredients for a healthy relationship.

Sadly not everyone KNOWS, much less understands that :sad::sad:

[PretzelGirl]

Heather - I am with Nigella. I don't tell my wife everything, that is impossible. But I do tell her everything that is interesting, important, or could have an impact on her.

In your example, if I came home from bowling early, then it would be no big deal. But if I never told her about dressing and she came home early one day and caught me, she would have every right to rip me up and down. It is a fairly significant thing we do if we hide it and sneak around.

I admit I am in the group that says that you should pick a spot early in a relationship and tell them. As time goes on it can only get worse.

But even beyond that, I am one that feels that my spouse deserves the respect that I don't intentionally hide things from her. We are in this to share our lives together. Others may not feel the same and that is fine. Not all marraiges are built the same.

[GingerLeigh]

Why? because we didn't tell you what you wanted to hear, that it was ok to keep lying to your wife, and hiding a part of yourslef from her?
Myabe I got the wrong idea, but that is the impression i get from your posts.

Not what I wanted to hear? How about...

"Your children didn't volunteer for this. They are innocent potential victims. You've already victimized them by not telling your then wife to be."
Did I want or need to hear that? A personal attack?

Keep this in mind people...
1) I rarely dressed before I got married, and as such...
2) I thought I could stop permanently, therefore...
3) No harm, no foul. Why bring it up to her prior to getting married? I can stop right? It's something I did, not something I am? Sound familiar?
4) Problem arose, the suppressed desire came back with a vengeance. Now I'm in the dilemma I'm in. Am I an a#$%ole for not telling? Yeas and no. If I knew it would come back to bite me in the butt, I'd have told her. I didn't expect anyone here to tell me what a lying jerk I am. Toss my kids into the mix? Unnecessary, hence I'm going back into the shell that I only recently came out of. Is this what YOU wanted to hear?


I have heard from a number of GGs who stated that they wished that had never been told. Their happiness vanished the day their perceptions of their husbands were irreversibly changed. In a sense you can argue that if you decided not to tell your wife before marriage then that is a secret you should take to your grave alone. You made the decision by yourself so it is solely your burden.

If your desire to tell her is only to lessen your guilt and burden then yes that is selfish. If you are sharing the secret because of your love and respect and desire to move forward together as a team then that would be a good motive.

But I am sure you are aware that on the roll of the dice the outcome is more likely to be negative than positive. Even if it does not end in divorce it will often generate a significant wedge that will destroy the love you feel for each other.

It must feel like an impossible situation to decide upon almost like you are gambling on your life itself. But if you do decide to tell her, do it for the right reasons and do right by her by telling her the whole truth and being incredibly patient with her. And pray you married a good loving person who can think objectively, can empathize and most importantly forgive. Forgiveness is at the heart of love because we are all human and make mistakes.

You hit the nail on the head, thank-you.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

in the end it was the lies that killed our relationship, not his dressing, the lies ......... had he been honest, open and given me time and been able to talk to me about where he thought he was at/was going, then we may well have still been tog today,

I wish this could be repeated over and over again every time someone feels any doubt about telling a new partner/SO about their dressing. It's such an important point.

Coming out about who you are is important. Some people in my life have asked me if coming out as a crossdresser had negatively affected me with girls and I continually answer that it's helped me screen the ones who wouldn't date a crossdresser.

[JulieC]

Not what I wanted to hear? How about...

"Your children didn't volunteer for this. They are innocent potential victims. You've already victimized them by not telling your then wife to be."
Did I want or need to hear that? A personal attack?

Ginger, let me take the opportunity of clarifying. I did not, do not, and will not personally attack you. It is completely against my intent.

My point was that their are children involved here. They don't have a choice in this. None. That's fact. That's not a personal attack. That's what the situation is. It would be nice if you had told your wife before you married her, but we can't change the past. I'm telling the situation as it is, nothing more.

What I do frequently see (not saying you're doing this at all) is people forgetting the children in the equation. The only person that can decide whether to tell their wives or not, and whether that is the best decision for the children, is the husband. I will never, ever tell someone who is married with children that they should tell their wives, and they're making a mistake if they don't. That's precisely because I put the children first in that equation.

The children are victims of this situation; there's no changing that. I'm not saying you went out of your way and made a conscious decision to victimize your children. It's kinda like living below a dam. Moving their might victimize the children. They don't have a choice in the matter. But, if the dam breaks, they become victims. If you move away, they lose friends, might face tough social/school situations in another school, etc. There aren't good answers.

If you don't tell your wife, but she finds out and reacts poorly, the children might be without their father. If you do tell your wife, possibly the same result.

If it makes you feel any better, I too have victimized my children in my choices. I'm completely open with my wife, and she knew I'm a crossdresser long before I asked her to marry me. We made a choice not to tell our children (I've detailed why in another post (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=2122980#post2122980)). That choice could have severe negative consequences. I try to ameliorate those potential consequences by constant education for my children on diversity issues. Will it work? I don't know. What I do know is they didn't sign up for their daddy being a crossdresser.

Regardless, I apologize that my post caused you affront. It was most emphatically not intended.




Keep this in mind people...
1) I rarely dressed before I got married, and as such...
2) I thought I could stop permanently, therefore...
3) No harm, no foul. Why bring it up to her prior to getting married? I can stop right? It's something I did, not something I am? Sound familiar?
4) Problem arose, the suppressed desire came back with a vengeance. Now I'm in the dilemma I'm in. Am I an a#$%ole for not telling? Yeas and no. If I knew it would come back to bite me in the butt, I'd have told her. I didn't expect anyone here to tell me what a lying jerk I am. Toss my kids into the mix? Unnecessary, hence I'm going back into the shell that I only recently came out of. Is this what YOU wanted to hear?

You hit the nail on the head, thank-you.

Your predicament is identical to the predicament many crossdressers have found themselves in.

I was almost in a similar predicament to yours. I dated a girl for more than three years back in my 20s. We were very serious after a time. When I first started dating her (let's call her "Jane"), I purged what little I had. I made a promise before God, in a church, that I would never crossdress again, and asked for God's assistance to keep me on the right path. That lasted about two years. One day, the urge to dress was too strong. I went and bought a pair of pantyhose. I've related this story before, but the reaction in me shook me to my very core. My essence of who and what I was screamed out after two years of repression. I swore then that I would never try to repress it again, and I haven't.

Nevertheless, about six months later Jane and I got engaged. Outside of one evening where she put pantyhose on me for a lark, she had never seen me crossdressed. She did not know I was a crossdresser. I was never going to tell her. Other problems arose in our relationship having nothing to do with crossdressing, and we broke up about six months after we got engaged. I was within a year of marrying her. I would have never told her about my crossdressing. Never. We would have had kids, etc. 20+ years later, I'm still friends with Jane, and see her from time to time. On a recent occasion, she was shopping with my wife and I. My wife found some pantyhose on deep, deep sale in exactly the size and brand she likes, so she started grabbing up a bunch of packages of pantyhose.

Jane recalled that evening where she'd put me in pantyhose on a lark. It was clear, even 20+ years down the road, that Jane still was not accepting of the idea of crossdressing and that it actively repulsed her. She probably would have been very close to that unaccepting 10% group I noted, if not in it.

So, had I married Jane and had kids with her, I would have been in a predicament; hiding from her for years, fearing what would happen to the children, our family, if I told Jane. Fearing discovery, repressing a significant portion of myself, and being left with crappy, terrible choices no matter what I did or didn't do.

I am very thankful I didn't marry Jane. I love her dearly as a friend now, and we are very close. But, she doesn't know everything about me and never will. Instead, I married my wife, who is accepting. By the time I met my wife, I was old enough and mature enough to understand what role crossdressing had in my life, and why I had to tell my then-girlfriend-now-wife long before I asked her to marry me. When you're younger, most of us don't have that ability, don't have that perspective.

You acted on the best information you had at the time. I would have done exactly as you did given the same situation, and I very nearly did do the same thing. I wish we could undo the past. We can't.

You have my absolute 100% support. There are no good answers.


Heather I can understand where you are coming from ...

... but ...

... this is not about a little secret me time but about a major part of who you are. No I don't tell my SO everything, no doubt she does not tell me everything. The maxim we use is simple, if it has an impact on both of us, then it should be shared.

Heather, what Nigella said. I don't tell my wife everything, every second, every moment, every thought. I make sure I tell her the important things, things she would most likely find important. After many, many years of being with her I have a pretty good idea what she considers important or not. When even in the slightest doubt, I tell her anyway. Most days we spend a couple of hours talking anyway. We've never run out of things to talk about. This works for us. Each relationship is different.

Crossdressing is part of who we are. Using a toy in a bath isn't part of who we are. The sexuality that is a superset of that act is part of who you are, and I'm quite sure most spouses have a pretty good idea of the nature of their spouse's sexuality (I'm not talking hetero/bi/homo here). I don't know what an equivalent act of omission would be. Maybe there isn't one.

[Heather Daniels]

Perhaps I need to sit down and have a very deep heart to heart talk with myself. I'm not sure that I have even come to grips with my dressing yet. Maybe I'm fooling myself by thinking that crossdressing is just a small part of me. Afterall, we all know how important dressing is to us, and trying to suppress it just does not work.
I can still remember how terrible I used to feel after dressing. My formative years were in the early 70's and I used to think that I was the only extremely odd boy who liked to wear womens clothes. There was no internet then, and not many books on the subject.The only crossdressers that I was aware of were Flip Wilson and Corp Klinger from MASH. I truely thought I was THE ONLY boy in the world who did this. I still remember the shame that I had then,....and still do have at times. I honestly thought it was something that I would grow out of eventually. Like most other crossdressers, I had periods where I didnt even think about dressing. Then...out of the blue....it would hit me again. I had to dress or I would go crazy. I remember playing sick so that I could stay home from school in my middle and high school years. Of course you all know why I wanted to stay home.
When I got married I was sure that marriage would "cure" me. Of course you all know thats not the way it works. I even used to call in sick from work sometimes so that I could have a day to be feminine.
So....here I am....a middle aged man.....still loving his feminine time...and still feeling bad about it. Maybe it's because of all the things I read here about why we should all run to tell our spouses about our hidden identities.
I'm sure it makes some people feel better about themselves opening up completely to our spouses about our dressing. I'm just not sure it's in my, or my wifes best interests to do it now after all these years.
Maybe I really need to dig deeper into my soul and answer this question, but thats awfully hard to do when you still havent made peace with yourself about dressing. I guess what I REALLY need to do is finally accept that crossdressing is a LARGE part of who I am and learn to deal with it accordingly.
Perhaps thats what so many other crossdressers are dealing with too......the acceptance part?
Maybe keeping it a secret is our way of denying this part of us. Maybe it's just easier to think that its something that is really not that important?
I know I cant be the only one who feels this way and thats why this forum is such a wonderful place to be a part of. It gives us all a chance to know that we are not alone with the struggles that we have to deal with.
As I said in previous posts on this topic.....................................some call this a blessing while others call it a curse. My question is why were we all blessed/cursed with these feelings in the first place?
If you've made it through my ramblings here, then I want to say this........
Thank You all for being here and trying to help each other with our journey through this. Remember....even if you dont agree with anothers point of view on this.......................we are still all in this together.
In the words of Jerry Garcia.........."what a long, strange trip it's been".

[JulieC]

Heather; beautiful, thoughtful post!


but thats awfully hard to do when you still havent made peace with yourself about dressing.

Self acceptance of crossdressing is, in my opinion, the biggest struggle a crossdresser faces. It's incredibly hard for most of us. There's such a huge pressure from society to be "male", and dressing as we do makes us a "freak" and danger to society. There's so much self hate that comes along with crossdressing, especially when we're younger. I think few find this struggle to be easy.

For me, it took until I was 24 to realize I couldn't give up crossdressing, that it was something incorporated in me. It was still years and years after that before I finally came to a point where I said I wasn't going to date a woman that didn't accept my crossdressing. It''s been many years since then, and I still can't say that I've 100% accepted myself. Maybe 95%. I'm a work in progress. :)

[sherri52]

Only you know you wife well enough to answer. If your fears are acurate then don't tell her and stay in the closet. If you have to get out of the closet then you have to tell her before she catches you. She might surprise you.