robynlane
08-16-2005, 05:06 PM
Hey Girls!
I posted here a few month ago about my time to FINALLY be myself (see http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6629). As it's been a bit of time since then, though I'd add to my continuing story. So love and need to share all that's happening inside me... But for this posting, time I come clean on something, something rather big.
As I have yet told ANYONE on ANY newsgroup, there is a pretty compelling reason that I am still so in the closet, my big secret. Here it goes: I am a teacher. Yes, I'm a public school teacher and teach full time from September through June. This is a pretty scary revelation for me, as I'm forever scared to death that some right-wing idiot will take a posting like this and work overtime to find my identity, outing me and taking away a career I so love - all in the hope of saving our children from a transgendered monster. But on this wonderful August day, with my world now being seen from nothing but my femme self's perspective, I don't know how much I can bare that fear from sharing this truth and to better explain why I'm still so in the closet. I so need to tell someone, and now trust this group most of all.
Today I awoke actually thinking of purging. Can you believe it? After all I've put myself through over the years and after all the supposed revelations I recounted here on this forum (and elsewhere). I layed there in bed just thinking of how nice it would be to be "normal." Then I had to just ask myself again for the millionth time, who exactly I am. Am a man, or am I someone that desperately wants to explore and broaden my femininity? Truth fell only to the latter, and my day was born again with the comfort of this knowledge. But it so reminded me of how far I still have to come, how far I need to go to have my world match my everyday life.
But being a teacher makes things so hard, I can hardly relate. There is no way I can come out, not if I ever hope to keep my career. Transitioning as a teacher is just not in the cards, as I'm sure you all understand. This gives me only the out of finding a new career. But I am a teacher! It is as much of who I am as is wishing to be female. I've been teaching for over 10 years now and so love the kids, the adventure of each new school day. I've thought perhaps I could move to somewhere like San Francisco and find a school district that could except my transitioning, but that seems so impossible. Besides, I love the school I'm at and am so established there. But whine as I may, there is no way I can have both worlds. So I live in two. By day I'm Mr. R, on the weekends and school breaks I'm Ms. Robyn - albeit within the confines of my home and these forums. Amazingly it seems, I have been able to carry it off. No one knows or even suspects, as hard as that may be to believe. If anything people likely thing I'm gay, as I'm single, extremely neat, and never talk of dating.
But, of course, I can do more to reconcile my two worlds, couldn't I? I could join a local TG group and share in real-life what I'm going through. I know anonymity and privacy is the one steadfast rule at such groups. Just so scared to put my real name out there....
Would love to hear everyone's thought on my dilemma. We all have reasons to stay locked in, but I think you'd be hard-pressed to find another career that is as wrought with roadblocks. Of course it could be far worse, I could have a wife and kids!
Thanks so much for listening. Didn't really know I'd be saying so much when I started this post. Oh no!
xxxooo,
Robyn
I posted here a few month ago about my time to FINALLY be myself (see http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6629). As it's been a bit of time since then, though I'd add to my continuing story. So love and need to share all that's happening inside me... But for this posting, time I come clean on something, something rather big.
As I have yet told ANYONE on ANY newsgroup, there is a pretty compelling reason that I am still so in the closet, my big secret. Here it goes: I am a teacher. Yes, I'm a public school teacher and teach full time from September through June. This is a pretty scary revelation for me, as I'm forever scared to death that some right-wing idiot will take a posting like this and work overtime to find my identity, outing me and taking away a career I so love - all in the hope of saving our children from a transgendered monster. But on this wonderful August day, with my world now being seen from nothing but my femme self's perspective, I don't know how much I can bare that fear from sharing this truth and to better explain why I'm still so in the closet. I so need to tell someone, and now trust this group most of all.
Today I awoke actually thinking of purging. Can you believe it? After all I've put myself through over the years and after all the supposed revelations I recounted here on this forum (and elsewhere). I layed there in bed just thinking of how nice it would be to be "normal." Then I had to just ask myself again for the millionth time, who exactly I am. Am a man, or am I someone that desperately wants to explore and broaden my femininity? Truth fell only to the latter, and my day was born again with the comfort of this knowledge. But it so reminded me of how far I still have to come, how far I need to go to have my world match my everyday life.
But being a teacher makes things so hard, I can hardly relate. There is no way I can come out, not if I ever hope to keep my career. Transitioning as a teacher is just not in the cards, as I'm sure you all understand. This gives me only the out of finding a new career. But I am a teacher! It is as much of who I am as is wishing to be female. I've been teaching for over 10 years now and so love the kids, the adventure of each new school day. I've thought perhaps I could move to somewhere like San Francisco and find a school district that could except my transitioning, but that seems so impossible. Besides, I love the school I'm at and am so established there. But whine as I may, there is no way I can have both worlds. So I live in two. By day I'm Mr. R, on the weekends and school breaks I'm Ms. Robyn - albeit within the confines of my home and these forums. Amazingly it seems, I have been able to carry it off. No one knows or even suspects, as hard as that may be to believe. If anything people likely thing I'm gay, as I'm single, extremely neat, and never talk of dating.
But, of course, I can do more to reconcile my two worlds, couldn't I? I could join a local TG group and share in real-life what I'm going through. I know anonymity and privacy is the one steadfast rule at such groups. Just so scared to put my real name out there....
Would love to hear everyone's thought on my dilemma. We all have reasons to stay locked in, but I think you'd be hard-pressed to find another career that is as wrought with roadblocks. Of course it could be far worse, I could have a wife and kids!
Thanks so much for listening. Didn't really know I'd be saying so much when I started this post. Oh no!
xxxooo,
Robyn