My time to be (part II: My Big Secret)

[robynlane]

Hey Girls!

I posted here a few month ago about my time to FINALLY be myself (see http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6629). As it's been a bit of time since then, though I'd add to my continuing story. So love and need to share all that's happening inside me... But for this posting, time I come clean on something, something rather big.

As I have yet told ANYONE on ANY newsgroup, there is a pretty compelling reason that I am still so in the closet, my big secret. Here it goes: I am a teacher. Yes, I'm a public school teacher and teach full time from September through June. This is a pretty scary revelation for me, as I'm forever scared to death that some right-wing idiot will take a posting like this and work overtime to find my identity, outing me and taking away a career I so love - all in the hope of saving our children from a transgendered monster. But on this wonderful August day, with my world now being seen from nothing but my femme self's perspective, I don't know how much I can bare that fear from sharing this truth and to better explain why I'm still so in the closet. I so need to tell someone, and now trust this group most of all.

Today I awoke actually thinking of purging. Can you believe it? After all I've put myself through over the years and after all the supposed revelations I recounted here on this forum (and elsewhere). I layed there in bed just thinking of how nice it would be to be "normal." Then I had to just ask myself again for the millionth time, who exactly I am. Am a man, or am I someone that desperately wants to explore and broaden my femininity? Truth fell only to the latter, and my day was born again with the comfort of this knowledge. But it so reminded me of how far I still have to come, how far I need to go to have my world match my everyday life.

But being a teacher makes things so hard, I can hardly relate. There is no way I can come out, not if I ever hope to keep my career. Transitioning as a teacher is just not in the cards, as I'm sure you all understand. This gives me only the out of finding a new career. But I am a teacher! It is as much of who I am as is wishing to be female. I've been teaching for over 10 years now and so love the kids, the adventure of each new school day. I've thought perhaps I could move to somewhere like San Francisco and find a school district that could except my transitioning, but that seems so impossible. Besides, I love the school I'm at and am so established there. But whine as I may, there is no way I can have both worlds. So I live in two. By day I'm Mr. R, on the weekends and school breaks I'm Ms. Robyn - albeit within the confines of my home and these forums. Amazingly it seems, I have been able to carry it off. No one knows or even suspects, as hard as that may be to believe. If anything people likely thing I'm gay, as I'm single, extremely neat, and never talk of dating.

But, of course, I can do more to reconcile my two worlds, couldn't I? I could join a local TG group and share in real-life what I'm going through. I know anonymity and privacy is the one steadfast rule at such groups. Just so scared to put my real name out there....

Would love to hear everyone's thought on my dilemma. We all have reasons to stay locked in, but I think you'd be hard-pressed to find another career that is as wrought with roadblocks. Of course it could be far worse, I could have a wife and kids!

Thanks so much for listening. Didn't really know I'd be saying so much when I started this post. Oh no!

xxxooo,
Robyn

[Wendy me]

see just how twisted the world is that some think a crossdresser is someone that we need to keep our kids safe from....pray for the day when the witch hunts are over ...
from one high horse to a nouther wrecking lives along the way...not a easy place for you to be in....

[Stephenie]

As I see it, you have to choose between coming out and teaching. There is no way that you could keep your job while transitioning and maybe not after. While there may be places that have laws that protect you from discrimination there are to many parents that would not think clearly enough to allow you to teach thier kids. So until you can retire or find a new line of work you are probably in the closet.
Sorry, but that is the way I see things. I wish it were different. Hope you can find peace some how. :hugs:

[StephanieCD]

I was a preschool teacher... shhh. Of course, you're in a little further than I was - but I've at least been in the lake that your boat is in.

This will be one of the many sacrifices you'll have made in your life to be one of the most important people in your community. Damned shame so few recognize it but it's true. Greatness has a price. Thank you for teaching our children - teach them tolerance and one day another like yourself might see the light from outside the closet! :)

[Marla GG]

Hi Robyn,

As a former teacher myself (and a parent of a child who has been in public schools all his life), I really feel for you. Any job working with kids puts incredible pressure on you to appear "normal," and teachers know this better than anyone. Teachers are expected to be role models and mentors, and parents get so uncomfortable with the idea that we might be passing "alien values" on to their offspring.

I don't know if you have ever heard of transsexual activist Dana Rivers. She used to teach at my local high school (a mile away from where I live) as a male. When she announced she was transitioning, there was such violent opposition from the Christian Right and a few conservative parents that Dana resigned amid a huge media storm. The students were very supportive of her however, and so were most of the parents. It was only a few intolerant ones who decided to make her life miserable and deprive their kids of an excellent teacher.....but they got their way.

I don't know what else to say, Robyn, except that all of us are on your side and I am so glad you decided to confide in us. Let's hope that somehow you are able to find a way of living your life that allows you to honor both the teacher in you and the woman in you, as difficult as that may be.

[Phoebe Reece]

Robyn,

We have a teacher who is a member of my local Tri-Ess Chapter. He is married to a very supporting woman, has a couple of kids, was a coach at the school he teaches in, and just got promoted to Assistant Principal. He certainly has a career to protect. He doesn't go out and about enfemme anywhere near where he lives, but he is within a three or four hour drive of Atlanta. Every few months he and his wife come up here for the weekend to make our monthly meeting and get out as his femmeself.

I suggest you join some support group that meets a long way from where you live and explore your femme side a comfortable distance away from those who would cause you problems. You might also consider going to some of the national gatherings if you can get some vacation time. Many of them are 5 or 6 day events (such as Southern Comfort in Atlanta).

[robynlane]

Heck, I'm crying now.... Damn, going to mess up my mascara!

Thank you all for your kind word of support, especially Maria and Phoebe. I feel somehow to add to all this that I actually am a really good teacher, not one of those 8-3 clock-in teachers that I so loath. During the school year, teaching takes second to NOTHING. I practically live at school, doing all I can to make my kids as successful as possible. I have a great report with my students and so cherish my time with them. It's really all that keeps me going in a career that demands so much of my time. I may have summers off, but believe me... I spend most of that time rewriting lesson plans and attending workshops. Just wanted to say that, that I'm a good teacher who really cares. I'm not someone who ended up teaching, I'm someone who was called. Teaching for me is hardly a job, it's who I am.

But please know that one truth holds me more than any other, and that's that if my big secret came out, my students would be the least of my fears. They'd most likely rally to my plight! Now, the parents... well, there you'd likely find my undoing.

Again, thank you all again for your kind words. I'll get by, though I've yet to find my path, my place. Such an insane world for us all, isn't it?

xxxooo,
Robyn

[Ibuki_Warpetal]

That is a dilly of a pickle.

If it were me, and if transitioning were a goal in my near future, I would take chance and be known.

Your students change every year.
Good teachers are needed everywhere you can go.

To me the risk seems low.

If you are found out by some extreme liberal, termination is a possibility.
Would that be fun? Hell no.
Is it possible to recover? Certainly.
Do you have a plan for if/when that day comes? Hopefully.

Can you handle having one and not the other?

[Holly]

Robyn,

I, too am in the public education field, although I am not a teacher. I'm a classified employee and work behind the scene keeping our schools safe, secure, environments in which our kids have the best opportunity to learn. I feel for you, sis as my fate would be no different than yours should I be outed with my employer. Stay safe. Teachers such as yourself are invaluable to our society. If you can find other outlets for your CD activities, you have opportunities to teach these youngesters so much about tolerance, compassion and understanding. We need you right where you are!

[CharleneCD]

I would suggest you think about teaching at the college level as there is more tollerence and diversity, but I think you find the particular age group you work with as your calling. So I am going to take another tack here. Instead of looking at the situation as one thing holding you back from the other, find balance. Your calling in life is just as much a part of you as being a CD. You must find a way to let both coexist without one interfering with the otheror making you feel like you are giving something up. That balance is not always easy to find but it is there.

[Mitzi]

Robyn...

There is a crossdresser who teaches in an all girls' school in the Midwest who is quite active in the TG community. She is totally in the closet to the outside world, but totally out to the TG community, and quite open about being a teacher. She looks completely different from her drab self, so no one would recognize her.

Not sure what this knowledge will do for you, but just to let you know...UR Notalone...

Mitzi