RockerTerri
04-22-2010, 03:49 PM
I want you to imagine you are in a small prison cell, perhaps a box. You never did anything wrong, you were just placed there when you were born. Your parents, teachers, friends, the media, everyone tried their best to convince you that you belong in that cell, and to wish to leave is wrong. Inside that cell is safety, indeed, and perhaps most of the creature comforts you could ever ask. Friends stop by and peek in the box, and chat awhile. You go to work, to bed, to dinner, on a date, inside that cell, that box. Its all you have ever known and are ever supposed to want to know.
But, inside that box is misery; misery that words still cant adequately express for me. There is a doorway out of the box anytime you wish to leave; but, upon leaving, you can not go back in. Through the open doorway, you can see all kinds of people, and most of them arent living in boxes. Why? Why are they wandering about, doing as they wish, and you arent allowed? You did NOTHING to deserve this!
You can leave anytime you wish, but waiting outside, all those people will berate and judge you for leaving the box. They will say there is something wrong with you; be happy in your box!! They, of course, have never had to live inside that box for any length of time, let alone for 30 years....but, they may taunt, judge, attack, or even kill you if you try to leave! Inside the box, is safety, but you can find no sanctuary there, due to the hollow hole in you; this is wrong, every instinct in your being has screamed at the top of its voice for your entire life that it is wrong.
A lifetime of misery? A scary, dangerous, uncertain road out? What do you pick? You agonize, for years....dutifully performing all the things a box-dweller is meant to do, as you dont want anyone else to know! You hate every second; every time someone calls you "he" you want to scream, every time your boss yells because your hair is below your ears you want to die, every time you lose control and scream, or cry, or attack...those not living in boxes berate your weakness...box dwellers dont cry. It isnt what they do.
So, one day you just cant help it anymore, you must leave that box. You HAVE to; to delay any longer will mean death, not necessarily physical death, but the death of you as a being. Death of everything that makes you uniquely you. You take a deep breath, and step from that box. You have no idea what to do, where to go, who to ask for help. But at least, for once, you got out of that box. A lifetime of utter misery...
But, the box is gone! You cant go back in, ever! Safety and security, freedom from hunger and cold, is all gone, replaced by uncertainty, lost friendships, problems with family covering the entire spectrum of severity. You can never undo this, so its sink or swim, all or nothing.
Once youre out of the box, you do the only thing you know to do; you stand tall, stretch, reach for the sky, and finally walk with your own feet, smell with your own nose. You will be damned if anyone in heaven or earth will ever do that to you again. People dont understand, people sometimes say things or do things or make threats; sure, youre scared, but you know what? SO ARE THEY. Theyre scared of you; you escaped that hell, youve proven that no one will demand you live how they dictate. Sudden freedom from a lifetime of despair and agony will not be undone by the actions of those who have never been in the box, or, even worse, find it easier to torment you, than to dare try and escape their own little boxes. You will die before you will ever go back in that goddamn box.
Yeah. It felt kind of like that. Maybe the next time someone wants to know "why is my SO/hubby/brother/whoever doing this?" this may provide a tiny glimpse. I cant speak for every one of us, and this is NOT an attempt to defend the actions of every one of us that tries to get out, and hurts those close to them in the process. This is just an attempt to show, in words, what it felt like for me.
Terri (out of that box, and I dare the devil himself to try and get me back in)
But, inside that box is misery; misery that words still cant adequately express for me. There is a doorway out of the box anytime you wish to leave; but, upon leaving, you can not go back in. Through the open doorway, you can see all kinds of people, and most of them arent living in boxes. Why? Why are they wandering about, doing as they wish, and you arent allowed? You did NOTHING to deserve this!
You can leave anytime you wish, but waiting outside, all those people will berate and judge you for leaving the box. They will say there is something wrong with you; be happy in your box!! They, of course, have never had to live inside that box for any length of time, let alone for 30 years....but, they may taunt, judge, attack, or even kill you if you try to leave! Inside the box, is safety, but you can find no sanctuary there, due to the hollow hole in you; this is wrong, every instinct in your being has screamed at the top of its voice for your entire life that it is wrong.
A lifetime of misery? A scary, dangerous, uncertain road out? What do you pick? You agonize, for years....dutifully performing all the things a box-dweller is meant to do, as you dont want anyone else to know! You hate every second; every time someone calls you "he" you want to scream, every time your boss yells because your hair is below your ears you want to die, every time you lose control and scream, or cry, or attack...those not living in boxes berate your weakness...box dwellers dont cry. It isnt what they do.
So, one day you just cant help it anymore, you must leave that box. You HAVE to; to delay any longer will mean death, not necessarily physical death, but the death of you as a being. Death of everything that makes you uniquely you. You take a deep breath, and step from that box. You have no idea what to do, where to go, who to ask for help. But at least, for once, you got out of that box. A lifetime of utter misery...
But, the box is gone! You cant go back in, ever! Safety and security, freedom from hunger and cold, is all gone, replaced by uncertainty, lost friendships, problems with family covering the entire spectrum of severity. You can never undo this, so its sink or swim, all or nothing.
Once youre out of the box, you do the only thing you know to do; you stand tall, stretch, reach for the sky, and finally walk with your own feet, smell with your own nose. You will be damned if anyone in heaven or earth will ever do that to you again. People dont understand, people sometimes say things or do things or make threats; sure, youre scared, but you know what? SO ARE THEY. Theyre scared of you; you escaped that hell, youve proven that no one will demand you live how they dictate. Sudden freedom from a lifetime of despair and agony will not be undone by the actions of those who have never been in the box, or, even worse, find it easier to torment you, than to dare try and escape their own little boxes. You will die before you will ever go back in that goddamn box.
Yeah. It felt kind of like that. Maybe the next time someone wants to know "why is my SO/hubby/brother/whoever doing this?" this may provide a tiny glimpse. I cant speak for every one of us, and this is NOT an attempt to defend the actions of every one of us that tries to get out, and hurts those close to them in the process. This is just an attempt to show, in words, what it felt like for me.
Terri (out of that box, and I dare the devil himself to try and get me back in)