Why do we need support?

[WandaRae2009]

This may seem to ramble but I needed to get it out. Thanks in advance for reading
My SO has known about my CD for around 2 years. She has not been accepting but she says she wants to know nothing about it.

My SO and I were discussing an upcoming business trip. It will be for 4 days. Out of the blue, she asked if I planned on going out dressed while I was there. Wanting to be truthful, after keeping secrets for so many years, I said yes, I was planning on meeting up with a group while there. She went into rant, and all of the questions all over again, do you want to be a woman full time, are you gay, are you sure that you don't want to leave so you can be more free. She asked if I ever went out before. I said yes once, I drove around and went into Wal-Mart. She asked if people were looking at you and making comments. I said no not really and no one said anything to me. She restated that she would never be able to accept it. I thought we would be together forever, she said that she is not sure, that I am going to leave. I keep reassuring her that that is not going to happen.

Then she said why do you need to meet others. I said for support, and to help be better understand myself. Then she starts in, that a support group is just going to convince you that you want to change and live like that all the time. I said I don't think so. She said she needs support. I have asked her to this site and to read a couple of other sites with other success stories. She has done some looking on the internet, but unfortunately web searches often tend to bring up many of the more extremes. She doesn't want to see anymore she says.

It led to a few real quiet hours.

Then later in the day, she brings up, you know that hate crimes go on all the time. You need to make sure you leave me all of the insurance information phone numbers policy numbers in case something happens to you. I said OK, since it is something I should do anyway, we never know when something could happen.

I hope this ends up being a small step forward. Others that have been through this, is this normal? I think I can live with it if she never accepts as long a she doesn't make me feel bad when I do dress and go out. I know she would not be happy if I went out near home for fear that someone we know would recognize me, so I am fine with only doing it when a few states from home.

[Freddy12]

I ave not been through this, but I sympathize with you.

Your wife is scared, and it is difficult to reassure her since she is afraid that you are going to leave her. Trying to assure her will help some. It did not sound like she thought dressing up was weird, so THAT is a good sign.

I suggest you pick a secific thread from this site and send hera link. You also might find another site that is supportive of family members of crossdressers, and send her the link.

I believe that se will come around. She just needs to understand that your commitment is to your marriage. Show her you love her.

Best of luck.

[Sandra]

Sorry to hear that your wife is non accepting...it is a pity that the sites she has looked at have put her off looking any more, maybe suggest again that she has a look at this site, explain that it isn't like some of the other sites and that there is wives/partners that contribute to the forum. Also mention the FAB forum we have here, just for wives/partners

Hopefully if she could get support and learn more about cds then it may help her...but of course she needs your support and honesty as well.

[Sheila]

Hi hun, please as sandra says tell her about us, and the FAB section where she can come talk to us GG's, some of whom are at the beginning of the journey, some of whom are well down the road and some of us somewhere inbetween :)

[Cassandra Lynn]

And don't forget there are lots of books available too. The internet can be tricky, so if she would show the willingness to learn, do some research on which books pertain more to your situation. mj (Cassie)

[dorylinn]

she says
My SO and I were discussing
she asked
I said
She asked
I said
She asked
I said
she said
she said
I said

This is called communication. :battingeyelashes:

This is a good thing.

Keep up the good work. :hugs:

[Emily L]

I've had the "are you gay" question asked by my wife a lot as well. It's hard to convince her that I really really really wouldn't have married her if I would at any point be with someone else.

Why do we need support? Well, for me, it's good to know that there are other people who know what I'm going through. It's rare for crossdressing to come up in casual conversation, y'know? But here I know that any questions I have can be answered by many different voices.

I know I haven't been around long, but even in my short time, I've seen decent, well-thought-out responses to all kinds of different situations, and I've never seen anyone try to convince others to change who they are.

Only things I can suggest are the same as what other people are saying - honesty, communication, and time. Good luck. :)

[Karren H]

Ohh yeah... My wife doesn't want to know either. But lucky for me she doesn't want to talk about not wanting to know!! Good luck!

[christinek]

I am lucky my wife shops with and for me! She is all about Christine! I consider myself very lucky

[sissystephanie]

My late wife asked me if I was "gay" the same day I asked her to marry me. I had already told her that I was a CD. I told that I definitely was not "gay," and never would be. We had almost 50 happy years together! Stephanie was a part of our lives together!!

[Crystal Rose]

I had this talk with my wife also. She didn't understand my feeling the need to go to a meeting with a group of guys all dressed up. I want to go to a group that have already gotten over the hoops that I face. That by meeting and talking to these people that deal with the same issues as me I can gain the confidence to do what I want and relax as I do so. Once I explained all this my wife was much better with this....

[marlacd]

I'm in that same sort of situation. My S.O. is working on her own feelings about it. Getting her connected to a support site helps, provided its a good one, and she is willing to become informed. I think that one critical issue in her mind is shes worried about looseing you to CDing, and not having the man she married to begin with. (Like mine) Actually, mine keeps telling me that she wants the mustach back that I had when we got married. And in turn, I point out that I don't have the skinny blond that I married. I now posess a rather chunky redhead. Sometimes I have to point out how much we have changed, for the better. I think its all part of the way she will accept you, warts and all. Since theres no timetable on how she will get it all sorted out in her mind, you're pretty much at her mercy. If you plan to stay with her, you'd better be patient. Sorry I can't be more help.

[AKAMichelle]

When I read this, all I could see is my wife's face. That is exactly how our arguments about cd'ing go. Almost word for word. I hope your marriage ends up better than mine.

Hang in there - there is always hope that things will work out. I think it all depends upon how much people truly love each other.

[Angiemead12]

Your wife just needs reassurance. It's quite confusing for a woman to have another womanly image in the same household. Also because women tend to look for alphamales and when the alphamale becomes female it disrupts the image and security in their head.

She is probably thinking that she is to old to start a new relationship or that she dint sign on for this or she feels like a failure or she is inadequate as a woman that's why you want to be one. Besides the gay questions and do you want this full time.

I have a very supportive partner but it has it's ups and downs. As I grow and become more womanly she does worry from time to time that she will lose the man she fell in love with and inherit a woman. Also since she can't talk to her friends about it and has no support she has very little information to work with besides her preconceptions and the information you give her.

Now we need support because we all want to belong, we all want to be in our own groups it's a basic psychological need. :)

[Presh GG]

May I suggest looking around your hometown or somewhere near for a crossdressers group. Some meet in homes , others in churches or somewhere safe.
Many want you to bring your spouse [ like me , That was one of Tea's criteria] some have changeing rooms or come as you are. Some members may dress as little as once a year but come in drab. Ask lots of questions when you find one, before you go.
I as a GG sometimes am amazed at the storys I hear and I can still be ashamed of something I said to my husband 30 years ago.
I have come to truely like and respect the members there.

Really do your homework on this one because not all groups are as good as "ours".

I hope she will go with you just once, maybe she will see her fear for what it is,fear of the unknown.

Best wishes,
Presh GG

[DonniDarkness]

She is scared dear, you need to find a way to reassure her that her love is what you desire most.

My wife said to me once when we were having a long discussion about boundaries and kinda of updating her on where i felt i was at in my path with dressing; "Just remember baby, i want to be the pretty one and i have to have the nicer girl stuff"....This kinda of hit home to me that maybe there is kind of a jealousy aspect from our SO's point of view. Even from our accepting or non-accepting loved ones. The reason i bring this up is because from your post i sense that there is a lot of issues with her insecurity altogether. Hence the hate crime topics, sexuality questions, and the prepareing herself for you to leave.

Keep Communicating

[Empress Lainie]

The first thing my son said after I told him I was living as a woman the rest of my life was: "Are you gay?"

In my support group, it seems all the other girls experienced the same thing when they told their family and others.

I am speaking of transexuals here, but I am sure that CD's must get the same thing at the initial revelation to someone.

What is really hard for people to understand is that for us transexuals, we are WOMEN, so if we are attracted to men we are not gay we are heterosexual women.

I said I was lesbian. But I think hormones have changed me to bi as I am having different feelings about certain men now.

[suchacutie]

I'm sitting here at the end of a wonderful night as Tina. My wife is completely supportive, but that doesn't mean that there are no boundries. Everyone has boundries and you seem to be in the stage where they are just now being established. I agree with others that your wife is frightened, and the biggest fear is the unknown. I truly believe that the more she becomes certain about, the less fear will exist, and the happier you both will be.

All our hopes go with you!

tina

(and do bring her here :) )