Got caught by son

[Sarah_GG]

We arrived home by taxi at about 1.30am having been to a night out... dressed!

As the taxi pulled up outside the house, we realised that the television was on and number one son's car was in the drive. Oh dear. We went in the house and my SO disappeared straight upstairs to change into male mode. Too late, we'd been spotted. Son said something along the lines of "two crossdressers just came into my house" (hello... two?! :eek:)

I tried to talk to him but he was closed off about the whole thing. After his dad had changed back to male mode he came downstairs and we had a bacon sandwich and cup of tea but son refused to engage with us at all.

He is obviously shocked and horrified about what he's seen... any advice on how to handle things would be appreciated.

EDIT

PS He's 21 and away at uni most of the time, although about to return home for the long summer break.

[Mirani]

Tell him, "when you want to talk. we are ready"
and wait . . . .

[Joann0830]

Give Him time and see what happens, Dont keep talking about it and see if he comes out and wants to talk about it calmly, So Sorry that it came out like that for you both. It eventually would have happened just now its out and up for discussiion as you say, He is old enough, and please undersatnd what I am going to say as also a parent and My Daughter knows about me, You do have to get on with your life and I know its hard but WE cannot keep hiding So the inevetable happened, now is the time to prepare yourselves for the questions and Answers, I will say a prayer for all of you and Wish you The Very Best as One parent to another Joann:sad:

[Dana]

We arrived home by taxi at about 1.30am having been to a night out... dressed!

As the taxi pulled up outside the house, we realised that the television was on and number one son's car was in the drive. Oh dear. We went in the house and my SO disappeared straight upstairs to change into male mode. Too late, we'd been spotted. Son said something along the lines of "two crossdressers just came into my house" (hello... two?! :eek:)

I tried to talk to him but he was closed off about the whole thing. After his dad had changed back to male mode he came downstairs and we had a bacon sandwich and cup of tea but son refused to engage with us at all.

He is obviously shocked and horrified about what he's seen... any advice on how to handle things would be appreciated.

EDIT

PS He's 21 and away at uni most of the time, although about to return home for the long summer break.

Own it!

Admittt it!

Accept it!

[noeleena]

Hi,

You have just started on a long haul,
we have 7 years of going through that with 3 grown up kids . dont push it, he will need time to get over this in the short term . long term how close are yous to him does he trust yous , you know how well do you know your kid /s ,

what we learnt was let them come to you ,
For us ages now are 31 34 35 .
kaylyn has accepted & just gets on with life .
nathan did not accept & after some 6 years is now coming round .
cliff has accpted yet still finds it hard .
They all had to deal with it in thier own ways .

We talked about things & let other members talk to them as well as we had disscussed a lot of issues , & some times its better if the info or what you wont to say comes from out side your close family , even friends ,
Be honest truthfull & up front even if you get 2 barrels full you more than likely will , yet you may be surprised , to late now the cats out of the bag.
Hope it goes well just think , lots of time,

...noeleena...

[Sheila]

Sarah give him time, let him come to you and ask questions, he maybe needs to do some research and processing before being able to talk to you ......... he is obviously bright, you are caring parents, & I am sure he has been brought up to be open minded and non-judgmental, but it can still be a shock when one of our own do something outside of societies norm

And the fact that he used the term Cross-dresser (not Tranny) instead of saying "whats dad doing in womens clothes means he is aware of cross dressing and the variances there of ............. give him time & as for the 2 cross-dressers .......... ya don't think it's maybe cos we GG's always wear trousers he said that do you :eek:;) :hiding:


:hugs: to you all

Sheila

[Elizabeth 66]

I have teenage girls, and i suppose it stands to say that it is ok for them to have a life but not their parents.

I remember a time that one of their friends came out to them as a lesbian and they accepted that without question, but when i was about 40 i brought a girl home from work, we were just friends, but the girls didn't realise that, but went mad at me because she was only 22, and they couldn't accept that i had no intentions of having her as a girlfriend.

I know its not the same thing, but in time they accepted our friendship, but when it comes to parents we can all find things harder to accept.

so just give him time and be ready to answer his questions, and for heavens sake don't hide it now he knows, it will only give him the impression you might think its wrong or be ashamed about it. Judging from his reaction he probably had an inclination anyway and this has just confirmed it.

[Kaz]

As above, give him time. He will no doubt be on the net researching it all.

Just be as "normal" as possible and let him come to you - he'll get there in his own time.

[Barbara B]

Having a 18yr old son who seems to arrive home at the most inopportune times I feel for you both. We've arrived home several times after a night out to see the lights and tv on and had that mad dash to the bedroom, its like something out of a sas training manual, bedroom window -clear!, front door - clear!, lounge - clear!, son's bedroom door - clear! I'm sure I've been spotted, in fact if I haven't then I think he needs glasses....lol I remember one afternoon going out to the garage and looking down the drive to find my son walking up the close straight towards me, quick dive indoors and and change. Like others have said give it time, so far it's never been mentioned in our house but I know I'll have to deal with it at some point.

[Freddy12]

I agree about giving it time, BUT do bring it up again in a few months if he does not. You don't want this to be a barrier forever, and discussing it may be the only way to bring understanding.

[StephanieDragg]

Hope everything goes ok, I think will take a little time , but open conversation about it, depending on your relationship will help. I had things happen like that lately and has been ok here, I talked with my son (15) about it and I am glad we did.

[Presh GG]

Oh Sarah,

I would ask him to come and talk. Just me but I don't like loose ends.

As for the two comment, since you are a blended family, I wonder if he's blameing you , or makeing you an accomplise[ sp ] . What do you think ? Kids !
Please take my opinion with a grain of salt as we don't have kids, but do have nieces , and that helped us. She was cool with it after we answered her questions.
I think your son has known but didn't [ or did !] want to "catch" you. hence the word crossdresser , and the staying up until you got home.

I think kids are natural snoops, I was as a child!

:hugs:
Presh GG

[Samantha_Smile]

Your son is 21, Im assuming its his final year, so I can safely assume that at this point in his life, he is a well educated chap who can take in any information given to him, digest it and make his own mind up.

My advice would be to sit down with him, have dad start with words to the effect of
"We all know what you saw the other night, can we talk about it"?

He's your son and deserves the truth, it's likely that a big reason he reacted in such a way is that he didn't appreciate being lied to for 21 years... Its a lot to deal with.
Youre his parents, at the end of the day he will love you no matter what you get up to provided it isn't hurting anyone.

He needs to be allowed the oportunity to ask questions and hear what you have to say...
BUT... Its coming up to final exams now, is it not?
He's got enough on his plate right now without revelations at home. The tricky part now comes in working out the best possible time to bring the subject up, that really will be the hardest as he knows what he saw, and so do you guys.

He will come around given time.


Unlucky on getting mistaken for a CD by the way :tongueout

[Sarah_GG]

Tell him, "when you want to talk. we are ready"
and wait . . . .

That's what we've done. Lunch was fairly strained with his dad dropping all sorts of macho comments into the conversation which made me inwardly smile. I've never heard so much talk of rugby, pints of beer, boats, motorbikes and other manly pursuits! :devil:


Give Him time and see what happens, Dont keep talking about it and see if he comes out and wants to talk about it calmly, So Sorry that it came out like that for you both. It eventually would have happened just now its out and up for discussiion as you say, He is old enough, and please undersatnd what I am going to say as also a parent and My Daughter knows about me, You do have to get on with your life and I know its hard but WE cannot keep hiding So the inevetable happened, now is the time to prepare yourselves for the questions and Answers, I will say a prayer for all of you and Wish you The Very Best as One parent to another Joann:sad:


And the fact that he used the term Cross-dresser (not Tranny) instead of saying "whats dad doing in womens clothes means he is aware of cross dressing and the variances there of ............. give him time & as for the 2 cross-dressers .......... ya don't think it's maybe cos we GG's always wear trousers he said that do you :eek:;) :hiding:

Ah. That could be it! :D


Like others have said give it time, so far it's never been mentioned in our house but I know I'll have to deal with it at some point.

We've been wondering about telling them for a while, just in case of such an event. Now we'll have to tell all of them as it's not fair for one of them to be burdened with the knowledge when the others aren't.


I agree about giving it time, BUT do bring it up again in a few months if he does not. You don't want this to be a barrier forever, and discussing it may be the only way to bring understanding.

I think once the others know, there'll be an easier dialogue and - hopefully - jokes and humour about the whole issue.


As for the two comment, since you are a blended family, I wonder if he's blameing you , or makeing you an accomplise[ sp ] . What do you think ? Kids !
Please take my opinion with a grain of salt as we don't have kids, but do have nieces , and that helped us. She was cool with it after we answered her questions.
I think your son has known but didn't [ or did !] want to "catch" you. hence the word crossdresser , and the staying up until you got home.

I think kids are natural snoops, I was as a child!

:hugs:
Presh GG

I agree. There are probably a few issues that he needs to get straight in his head. I've always thought that they know but they don't know they know (if you know what I mean).

I'm sure all will be fine. After all, they have - as Sheila points out - all been brought up to be broad-minded and accepting of difference.

Thanks all. :)

[Chickhe]

It is a tough age...just setting out in the real world and yet needing some stability at home... I think it all depends on your attitude... I think I would tend to keep it light sort of as if you went out to a costume party and just tell him you are working on spicing up your relationship and it was something wild and crazy to do for fun. Don't make a big deal out of it.

[linnea]

Time, patience, understanding (that he may be confused and very ignorant of what crossdressing is)--my grown children now know as of last year when I told them. They were all surprised and two of them--the boys (now in their late thirties) were shocked. My daughter is having almost no trouble with it.
He may never feel comfortable with it, but he will probably come around to acceptance and, at worst, indifference.
Best wishes.

[Sarah_GG]

ok. so, now we've told son number 2 (I'm referring to them numerically in terms of age) who's actually my son and is 20. I told him on the phone - he and number 1 son are close and thinking that son 1 might need someone to talk to.

Son 2 thought it was hilarious that son 1 had the shock. :devil: But wasn't phased in the slightest, said that any time they go out there's always one or two who do (it has been him in the past) and it just makes for a more fun night. I said "well, anytime you want to borrow a wig..." His reply "I've already got one!"

Two more to tell. So far so good. :)

[Elizabeth 66]

As i tried to say in my earlier post, its OK for other people to do it but not our parents, I'm sure number 1 accepts it, just doesn't want to admit his parents are involved in theses scene, I'm sure he will be fine one he gets used to it!

[Sheila]

well done Sarah, and I am sure NO 2 son will have a chat with NO1 son :D

[Heather Daniels]

ok. so, now we've told son number 2 (I'm referring to them numerically in terms of age) who's actually my son and is 20. I told him on the phone - he and number 1 son are close and thinking that son 1 might need someone to talk to.

Son 2 thought it was hilarious that son 1 had the shock. :devil: But wasn't phased in the slightest, said that any time they go out there's always one or two who do (it has been him in the past) and it just makes for a more fun night. I said "well, anytime you want to borrow a wig..." His reply "I've already got one!"

Two more to tell. So far so good. :)


I'm a bit confused. Are you saying that son #2 is a crossdresser as well?

[Sarah_GG]

I'm a bit confused. Are you saying that son #2 is a crossdresser as well?

No. He's not a crossdresser. But he is a student and they're always going out 'theme' dressed. They all seem to enjoy dressing up for a bit of fun!

[Tina Dixon]

Wow he felt that even after a bacon sandwich?

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Sarah

I think your telling No2 son is going to prove to be a winner as well as just being fair to all of them

The fact he can joke about it suggests he is very aware of crossdressers, which will be a great asset when they all start talking to each other


Good luck with telling the remaining two :hugs:

[eluuzion]

Tell him, "when you want to talk. we are ready"
and wait . . . .

I agree with this.

The only things I might add would be to mention it more than once, (without being a pest) just to confirm you are still interested in talking when and if he chooses to talk about it.

The other thing I have done with my kid was at an age appropriate time, make the comment...

"It is kind of a weird feeling when you realize that your parents are actually just "people" too, with assets, flaws and mistakes like everyone else, isn't it?" (no specific reference to CD or anything else

[DonniDarkness]

if son 2 goes to parties and they are only a year apart in age, then probably son 1 has has made an appearance at said theme parties as well...just a thought sara.

[sherri52]

I agree with Mirani. Let him know that when he wants to talk you'll be happy to sit down with him.

[LisaM]

Wow! I thought telling a spouse was the hardest thing---I forgot about children.

[Satrana]

Kids today deal with a lot of personal issues in emails/texts rather than face to face - it is just a whole lot easier to deal with sensitive issues this way - especially for boys.

I would email him and say - I know you must be embarrassed and confused about the other night. I think it is important we talk about. I need to know that you have a proper understanding and are not thinking the wrong things which many people do.

[Sarah_GG]

I would email him and say - I know you must be embarrassed and confused about the other night. I think it is important we talk about. I need to know that you have a proper understanding and are not thinking the wrong things which many people do.

Nice idea. We'll do that thing.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

No 3 son (19) will be told this evening.

[TxKimberly]

Tell him, "when you want to talk. we are ready"
and wait . . . .

Yup, I like Mirani's idea. She's a pretty smart person too so I'd sort of tend to listen to her advice. Some things just can't be rushed or forced, and this is way at the top of the list.