Complimenting each other

[Jonianne]

One of the neatest things about this site and the people here is how we can compliment each other with the same innocence that females can give to each other. Most all of it is genuine without any suggestive overtones. Imagine guys at work complimenting each other about how pretty their coveralls look or how their hard hat is a nice shade of blue! I don't think the next few minutes would be a pretty sight.

Yet, here we are far more freer to speak from our heart without a fear of how we would be taken.

I can understand how some unknowing SO's could happen up on this site (I read a thread recently on how a SO copied a CD'ers posts here and threatened to use them against him in court) and freak out about what they may read here, but if they keep reading, I'm sure they would soon find the context of what is being said and get a feel of the genuiness of our femme side of us that we can freely express here in such an innocent way.

That's the way I feel anyway. I hope I am not being too naive. What do you think?

[Sheila]

Jonianne,

I think what some of us GG's have difficulty in understanding is the amount over over complimenting you all do .......... at least in the beginning some of us do, it's like "WTF", in general we do not go around telling near strangers how "hot" they look or even complimenting each other very often in general situations, yes to close friends we will say "god you look great in that, wish I had the figure to wear it like you do" or somethings along those lines, at a party we may compliment someone on their dress, shoes, hair but in a general non sexual way, so many times here we read a compliment followed by a sexual tone to it :doh:

Complimenting someone with sexual overtones is for me an almost complete no no, only in certain situations would I do it e.g. I am young free and single and hot to trot with the guy I am complimenting and want to let him know in a sexy/funny way (okay scrap the young bit :heehee:). With a girlfriend it would be along the lines of "My god I hope that stud your after has stamina girl cos he is sure gonna need it" okay but that would be to a real close girlfriend .............. some one else would have to ask what I thought and i would nowhere near come that tone of conversation, so strangers making sexual comments to other strangers makes me a tad uncomfortable, but maybe I am just a narrow minded old broad :straightface:

[Jonianne]

......maybe I am just a narrow minded old broad :straightface:

Not at all Sheila. I am well aware that I tend to look at things through rose colored glasses and easily forget the things that cause me to feel something is not right. Thank you for your input and reminder. I do hope most of what goes on here is innocent, but like you just said, there could well be more sexual overtone than what I allow myself to think. Darn, where did I just put those rose colored glasses?

[BRANDYJ]

Interesting thread. You are right, us men will never compliment a co-worker or friend on his looks in the way we compliment each other here. And Sheila's point, it sometimes is over the top and maybe to sexually suggestive instead of saying you look nice or you look very convincing or pretty.
The one thing that gets me, is there seems to be a lot of phony compliments. Let's face it, some of us are not attractive at all. But we post pictures and someone will say we look sweet, darling, amazing or whatever, when the truth is that person simply looks like a man in a wig or dress. Bluntly, some of us are ugly.
I for one will never do that. I simply pass on that picture and say nothing . I don't give phony compliments just to make someone feel good. I would think they want the truth. And if that truth would hurt them or insult them, I will say noting. I don't want I want to receive false compliments either. IF I posted a picture and asked others what they think, I would hope and expect the truth.
So I don't post pictures! lol

[Kate Simmons]

Actually, I have complimented guys at work Joni, just use different terminology. The effect is the same. The person who has mastered social interaction can do it either way and always find a common ground. I think it's good that we can compliment one another, not enough of that in the world. Most of my CD friends are also friends with me in guy mode. Nice to be flexible like that. It does depend a lot on the individual folks though. :)

[Angie G]

I think it's where one is at the time. I sure don't talk like this as work. But it feels right talking that way here. Just my:2c::hugs:
Angie

[Jonianne]

......Bluntly, some of us are ugly......

No one is ugly, unless they behave that way.

We can all dress appropiately in very nice outfits and be complimented on that, even if we are not blessed with a femme face. Sometimes visiting a picture thread and adding to the views without posting can be hurtful as well. We all know what that means. Recently I started one and had dozens of views but zero comments. I deleated the pics. I'm not a dummy. I know what that means. I will rarely visit a picture thread unless I am prepared to comment.

[Karren H]

Actually, I have complimented guys at work Joni, just use different terminology. The effect is the same. The person who has mastered social interaction can do it either way and always find a common ground. I think it's good that we can compliment one another, not enough of that in the world. Most of my CD friends are also friends with me in guy mode. Nice to be flexible like that. It does depend a lot on the individual folks though. :)

You worked in a hand lotion factory, Erica!! Bet everyone complimented everyone on how soft their skin was? Lol sometimes I get carried away with complimenting coworkers.. Between synical comments that is!

[Midnight Skye]

Hey Joni,

I think we're both wonderfully open... and overly lovey-dovey. I will completely admit... I've unintentionally dropped sexual overtones and been flirty without entirely realizing it. Sometimes I look at what I posted and try to say it outloud... then slap my mouth realizing that's not something I would say... for a number of reasons. I also know a number of us are trying to learn and understand female emotions... and that's no easy task. It results in many mis-communications, emotional outbursts, and other frantic things.

And some of us are simply sensual and sexual and let it come out any which way. Which is just fine if you're in the single world. But for those of us who aren't single... try reading some of your more questionable posts outloud. If its sounds bad outloud... you might want to consider a re-write! ;)

[Jonianne]

Good advice Katlyn. Yea, I know there is a major learning curve for us and there will be mistakes. Plus the internet is 2 diminisional and it's difficult to put inflection (or leave out sometimes) in words we say. But I believe for the most part (I hope) we are just innocently complimenting each other. And hopefully (with advice like yours) we can do a better job.

[RockerTerri]

Uurgh...I guess I have a different outlook.

Ive been to meetings (or parties, or whatever) where there were other transpeople and some CDs (didnt ask who was which, none of my damn business) but when I see hairy Bob sitting, knees apart, with hairy legs peeking out from under some schoolgirl outfit, greasy hair, beard shadow, and who is complaining that "people dont take me seriously", well...i find it hard to compliment anything but bravery.

If i am approached by someone that looks like that in a public place, i would probably distance myself from them as fast as possible. I take enough chances with the amount of people who know i am trans, i dont need anyone helping me make it worse.

If that same person came here, I would compliment whatever i could and likely move on...if they ask "what can I do better" or whatever, well, I will try and help. Keep in mind just saying "OMG you look hawt!!!" to hairy Bob above will do no favors, when she goes out and gets read instantly/assaulted/worse...get it?

But no, i dont normally run around complimenting other women on their clothes, etc. Once in a while, but usually cause its something, well, that I wanted to compliment for w/e reason?

I have made it worse. Quiet nao, Terri

[Amanda Stubbs]

As a child i was taught good manners don't cost anything and politeness is the reward.
Sure some of us do look a bit OMG, me included, but at the end of the day helping someone feel a little better about themselves with gentle encourament and advice, well, isn't that what we're here for to find others similar to ourselves who may 'understand' ?

[Renelle]

One of my journalism friends, who is into interactive media, once said, "It's all experimental. You just put it out there and see if anything comes back. If it works- roll with it, if not- move on to the next experiment."

I'm fairly new to both interactive media and CDing, but I can see they have this in common. We're all experimenting with ourselves and with the media. It's bound to be over-the-top at times. It's just the nature of the beast(s).

[bredalee25]

It's easy to let ones gaurd down on this site. Since most of us keep our true identity a secret. I've always complimented the females out and about in the world. The men not at all on there attire or looks but I do compliment them on a job well done or making that score on a game things of that nature are accepted from one guy to another. As for telling him his shirt matches his pants quite nicely is taboo in the "male code" forget about telling one of your buddies that his hair looks good.

[AllieSF]

I agree with Denise Rhodes. If I see someone at work, or wherever, and notice something sharp about his appearance, I have no problem complimenting him or her about it. I have never got a negative reaction, and only a few surprised ones. That is my personality, extroverted and social, honest open and frank with that needed touch of diplomacy, most of the time.

Here on this site, I can understand the somewhat excessive complimenting of others. This is a support site and who the hell wants to here negative, overly honest and blunt statements and negative comments from others? When asked directly what does the reader think, I always try to nicely state my opinion if I think that it may help the poster.

[BRANDYJ]

I have always complimented GG co-workers when I see them in something that I think really looks nice on them. Or maybe a new way they fixed their hair or did their makeup. I don't have a problem with that at all. Of course sometimes I wonder if I might be giving myself away for noticing their new look. I wonder if I might go overboard a little.

[Lynn Marie]

A compliment is also an encouragement. Everybody needs all the encouragement they can get, and we CD's need even more. We have embarked on a dangerous and scary voyage and just to keep going we need plenty of encouragement. I also think that we all enherently realize this and we make it a point to compliment/encourage each other even more than what we all would experience in the day to day working world. It sort of becomes a way of life, a great way of life!

[t-girlxsophie]

Now its wrong to Compliment others,Jeez being a crossdresser getting a little more difficult than It was,before coming on this site:eek:

[Sheila]

Now its wrong to Compliment others,Jeez being a crossdresser getting a little more difficult than It was,before coming on this site:eek:

nobody is saying it is wrong to compliment others :brolleyes:

[Mea GG]

While out clothes shopping, I got a compliment today on my pink/black flowery dress. Quite flowery and girly but very casual.
It was a lady about my age and boy she just made my day. We chatted for a bit. And i even twirled the skirt around a bit to show how much fun it was.
Now I'm no great beauty but a person took the time to compliment a part that she noticed and liked. That's real kindness.
~

[Kathi Lake]

I try to be complimentary. There is always at least one part of someone's outfit that is cute. This morning, a new lady was there at church in jeans, a few layers and a cute shrug. I complimented her on the sweater and that started the 20-minute conversation on everything from our children to - oops, I almost said our husbands - our spouses to our respective histories. Complments are like that - great conversation starters. Who cares about the weather or who's in office? For the best conversation, make the other person feel good about their clothes, about their choices, about themselves.

Kathi

[Babette]

Joni, I do appreciate your perspective on this matter. I suppose that given the number of members posting compliments, their reasons for doing so are as varied as themselves. Since I don't know much about them, I cannot second guess their intent.

I do post occasional compliments both in the open forum and through PMs. Regardless of gender, we are all humans and therefore we share many central tendencies. I realized a long time ago how people respond best with positive encouragement. Moreover, I view encouragement as a part of appreciation and that more than anything else is what motivates us to try.

How would you feel if your spouse always talked down to you and never offered compliments or encouragement? If the same thing was happening to you at work, would you be happy? If you were trying your very best and nobody on this forum offered you any appreciation or encouragement, would you want to stay an active member?

Nobody is perfect in any situation but everyone has an opportunity to improve. Yes there are people on this forum that might benefit from a little assistance now and then (including me). Maybe there are some that could use a little help in knowing how to provide constructive assistance without crushing someone else's ego.

You made a point about work situations. I do make it a daily practice to find something good my staff an coworkers have done and this is regardless of gender. Sometimes it involves a work project but more often than not, it is something personal about them. Perhaps they changed their hairstyle, reached a fitness goal, or they just really look great that day; I will recognize their achievement. Can you imagine how they would feel if I reacted in a negative way? If I got this kind of reaction when I was trying so hard, then I would be out of sorts for the rest of the day.

There are more posts and pictures on this forum that truly deserve my feedback. Unfortunately, I seldom have the time to address but a few. This should never be taken as an intentional slight though.

Well enough of this sermon. That was a bit more than my normal 2 cents worth.

Babette

[kellycan27]

I am all for being supportive and handing out compliments but...........I would hate to give someone a false sense of security by saying.. yeah! you pass (if that is what they are asking), when it truly might not be the case. Being read,especially for someone who is still sporting their training wheels ( so to speak) could be be quite traumatic. Kind of a slippery slope that I would rather just not comment on, one way or the other. :)