Is a secret still a secret if you tell someone?

[eluuzion]

I suppose this thread is geared toward those CDrs that are "in the closet"...

I have never had the burning desire to "tell someone" about my CD interests.

But I am fascinated with what seems to be an overwhelming need for many CDs to "share" their "secret".

If you are one of those folks, I am curious what motivates that "need" for you to tell someone?

My other question is that if you were to pick one person to share your secret with, who would you select? Would it be because they would be the one person you feel would keep your secret confidential? Or is it some unconscious "start" of the path to eventually "reveal" your secret to the "world". Or something else? (I mean real life people, not "internet friends".

[BRANDYJ]

A secret is only a secret to those that don't know what secret you are keeping. So when I tell someone that I am a cross dresser, what once was a secret to them is no longer a secret to them and the other people that I have told.

I often have wondered why I wanted to tell certain people that really did not need to know since they do not live with me or would ever come in contact with that side of me. I have some theories as to why I want to tell them, mostly GG friends that I have shared it with. For them, I think it is my way of getting closer to them if I judged them right and felt safe in telling them. And since I really appreciate female friends more then I do male friends, it just feels good to know they still like me, respect me and at the same time, they feel closer to me and will open up more about personal things in their lives.
Fairly recently, I have told 3 female friends that I first met on-line, but later met them at either a private house party (New Years Eve), or at a party at a local venue for singles on a free dating site I am a member of. Now before anyone says anything...if they have read my other posts, I am very much in love and very loyal and devoted to ONE woman. I am not on the dating site to find a date. I am there to stay in touch with many friends I have there and participate in the forums there; very much like our forums here. These 3 women are all very warm, caring wonderful women that I admire. After getting to know them, I felt they would accept exactly who and what I am. I was right about each one of them. Nothing has changed about how they view me as a man, other then the fact they all said something to the effect that maybe that is why I am such a sensitive, understanding gentleman in all my posts on various topics we share in on that site.

I have also told 2 different male friends in the past. Both handled it well and it had no ill effect on our friendship. Of the women I have told, they in turn felt safe to tell their husband or SO about me. Again, with no adverse effect on our friendship. so for me, it's just wanting to be real and hide nothing from those I feel a strong friendship or bond to. Fortunately, I have not misjudged how the people I have told would handle it or deal with it. Yes, still risky to the point of potentially losing a friend. It just has not happened so far.
The only person I told that totally rejected me and will no longer talk to me is my very own brother, 2 years my senior. I have not talked to him in close to 2 years. In effect, he disowned me as a family member. I was at a very low point in my life with a recent temporary breakup with the lady I love and newly out of work. So stupid me trusted him to accept and understand me better. But he is one of those reborn Christians that has gone off the deep end with it. Frankly, I feel sorry for him being so brainwashed and self righteous. So he is the only I ever told and regretted it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

yes its still a secret...for about 10 minutes

[gabimartini]

Well, if you share, the cat's outta the bag. Everybody has a best friend, you know? lol

For me, the only person I absolutely had to share this with was my SO. It just wasn't right hiding this from her any longer. And I'm glad I did. Felt good doing what was right, rather than taking the easy way out.

[windycissy]

I've never understood the compulsion to spill the beans to family and friends, in fact I like having this incredible secret that nobody knows about me...on the other hand, I totally understand the loneliness and need to reach out to others who share this aspect of our lives, and some of my best friends are "girls" I've met on this forum and at places like I Love It and the River City Gems, in fact I feel closer to them as Cissy than I do to many people I've know all my life.

[Sarah_GG]

I suppose this thread is geared toward those CDrs that are "in the closet"...

I have never had the burning desire to "tell someone" about my CD interests.

But I am fascinated with what seems to be an overwhelming need for many CDs to "share" their "secret".

If you are one of those folks, I am curious what motivates that "need" for you to tell someone?

My other question is that if you were to pick one person to share your secret with, who would you select? Would it be because they would be the one person you feel would keep your secret confidential? Or is it some unconscious "start" of the path to eventually "reveal" your secret to the "world". Or something else? (I mean real life people, not "internet friends".

Speaking as the happy SO of a CDer perhaps I can add my two pen'orth (as we say this side of the pond). Personally I HATE secrecy, duplicity, whispers, undercurrents and general evasions of the truth. All that secrecy does is engender misunderstanding and mistrust.

I'm sure if our neighbours looked out of the window as we got in and out of the taxi on Saturday night they'd have seen us. It was still daylight. But how many people would ever come up and say "Are you a crossdresser?" Our kids are in the process of being told a secret and we're trying to communicate a normality about crossdressing.

Of course, it's up to the individual, and not everyone wants to spoil the frisson of excitement they get for maintaining the secrecy, but if CDs want to be generally accepted then they have to get out there! We don't "get out there" ourselves, we're generally a (small 'c') conservative couple living in suburbia with professional jobs and kids at university but once you start going out and holding your head up high, you realise that people actually don't care that much.

[Lacyfem]

I guess coming out is a personal thing as there are only a few who know and those are the men that have been with me when I am Lacy and fully dressed. My wife has always said how sick someone must be if they crossdress so that's not a road I wish to go down though I do wish she knew but know it would most likely distroy our relationship which I dearly love. So it's in the closet I'll stay and find friends and lovers online who I can trust and share this inner fem side I have. I've had over the years so many pictures taken of me fem as I like to see how I can look as a woman in different outfits. My wife had briefly seen these images when I've been working with them on the computer but she has always thought it was some woman I pulled off the interenet and sluffed it off. For me I guess it's the double life I will be living but do die wanting be fem more often..

[AKAMichelle]

The reason you tell is to have someone else who understands this part about you. Most of the time when you tell a GG, they don't understand and it is a struggle to get them to understand. But telling another cd'er allows you to talk with someone just like a therapist without the cost. We all struggle with different things, but our secret gets in the way with relationships to non cd'ers. If you are having trouble with your wife and part of it is about cd'ing, how do you fully explain the problem to a non cd'er? You don't so it leaves you all alone to deal with the problems. Everybody needs a friend even the most isolated person around.

I try to meet other cd'ers in the hope of finding that special friend which I can eventually call best friend. The other reason is that I am tired of living my life as a lie. I want to be geniune with someone and it is hard to find that person. GG's seem to be fortunate in many ways, they often times will have friends since childhood. But guys for some reason rarely have that type of connection. Maybe that is why we crossdress. We are missing that kind of bonding and seek in cd'ing. Seems to make as much sense as the rest of the reasons.

Most importantly the reason is because things get lost in translation in emails and postings. But if the person doesn't understand you get instant feedback and can re-explain. Wouldn't it be better to have someone you could really talk about those things that to live in your closet alone? I would rather have a friend that knew and understood about cd'ing that never went out dressed than no friend at all. Doing typical guy things with another cd'er would be better than staying in the closet. So I walked out the closet and found a lot of people that I call friends.

Besides another cd'er does usually keep their mouth shut. Do you want the whole world to know about you as a cd'er? Neither do they? You choice is simple - trust no one or find someone and guard yourself from potential bad things until you become more comfortable. It is kinda like dating. I one day want to find a GG and remarry, but I am in no hurry. I want to take my time and find the right one since I don't want to do this again.

[Kathi Lake]

Is it a secret if you tell someone? Not really.

Why do we have this urge to tell someone. Anyone? Hard to say. For me, now that I am happy and content in the place I am in life, I want others to be as well. As Sarah said, lies, duplicity and the rest can really wear on a person. I just want to be free to be me. Will that happen overnight? No. Not unless I'm willing to risk everything and broadcast my life to the world. I'm not ready to do that just yet, but I am getting bolder.

For instance, two weeks ago, after my prescription sunglasses were stolen, I went to the optometrist to replace them. We ordered the same pair I had and the girl helping me asked, "Will there be anything else?" I paused for a second and said, "Actually, yes. I would like your help to find a pair of women's sunglasses too." She, of course, asked why. I told her that I sometimes dressed as a woman, and I wanted a pair of sunglasses more suited to the part. We went through a few dozen frames, with the other women in the shop helping, to find the pair best suited for my facial structure. Of course, questions were asked and pictures were shown (Duh! I'm a crossdresser!). They didn't have a problem, seemed to have fun with it, and said I made a beautiful woman. I asked if they had a problem helping "someone like me." They said they had no problems - that they were not here to judge, but to help whoever needed it. I was just another woman who needed a pair of cute sunglasses.

So, who knows where this will end?

Kathi

[Karren H]

I've had those urges before... Like you've found something really neat or valuable and you just can't wait to tell somebody about what you've found... I actualy came out to my brother when I was like 16... That didn't go well... And every since I had no burning desire to do that again..

[AKAMichelle]

Kathi,

Think about how different your life has become since you became more open. Do you still have as much stress from cd'ing or has it finally become the stress reliever with no crash and burn?

I think when we open ourselves up - we gain far more than we lose. Especially if we are selective about who finds out about us.

[Jessy]

So far, I only came out in this community. My need to come out is simply because I don't like living with secrets, and having to watch my back all the time when dressing up.

I did learn that once you tell people, you better be ready to face the world. It's a big step, but I have little faith in keeping a secret in a small group. People talk. And if things turn bad, they can easily use your secret against you. So I'm just trying to build up enough confidence and strength to throw myself in the open, to anyone who happens to see it.

See it like a plaster. It's better ripping it off fast and be done with it.

[Marcia Blue]

I am from the school of hard knocks. A secret once told is no longer a secret. Some people, always seem empowered with the information, and feel they have the right to share with others. The only persons I have told are my wife, the people here, my ex-wife, and the girls from my support group.

My ex-wife has always felt, the need to share unfortunately.

[Kerigirl2009]

I never thought I would EVER tell anyone. I also never thought I would be caught but was always paranoid about the hiding.
I think it was about a year before I tlod my wife that I finally accepted this is who I am and really started to think I was doing something wrong by not telling her. I started to think of ways to tell her because I thought it would be better to tell her then be caught. I was so close a couple times getting caught.
I do not know if I was more afraid of getting caught or felt guilty for keeping such a large secret from the woman I loved. But seeing as I never got caught I like to tell myself that it was the guilt that lead me to tell her, showing her that I truly did love her and trusted her with my deepest secret.
Weather or not she was going to tell anyone never crossed my mind, I figured she would tell someone and I hope she talks about it when she needs too. I know that she confided with a woman from work and I am ok with that. So i told her because I really do love her, although I know what I told her hurt her. and for that I am sorry, but I am not sorry about who I am.

[Emily L]

Is a secret still a secret after you tell someone else? No. The odds of people sharing that secret are almost 100%.

That said, I had to tell my wife - I knew my only options were to tell her or to never dress again, because I couldn't lie to her about something like this (including lying by omission). I tried the "never dress again" route for a while, and you can imagine how well that went. :heehee: And I think she can keep my secret, but you can never know for absolutely sure, no? But better to take that risk than to not be truthful to her.

So for me, it was simply a question of honesty. I feel no need to tell anyone else (except everyone here!) unless and until I hit a point where I can feel comfortable dressing in public, which may never happen.

[Sarah Doepner]

It's your secret and you have much more to lose than anyone else if sharing that information causes problems. Who you share the information with won't lose their self esteem, their job, their standing in the community or their family. All they might lose is your friendship and trust, but they probably have other friends.

If you are comfortable with that and believe that the person you tell will hold your needs in as high regard as you are holding their trust, go ahead. Some people do very well with that kind of confidence and your bond can be even stronger with the telling. It might be a good idea to give them an option to tell someone else, partially or totally so the pressure of the secret doesn't totally blow their mind and self-control. Finding another crossdresser would always be a good choice to share this with, if you really need to tell someone face to face.

[Gerrijerry]

once you tell someone it is no longer just a secret. As others have said unless it is your wife the first time there is a fight you are out. And with a wife you have to be careful also. if it is ok no problem if not she may be out the door.
No matter what you have to as most of us do, realize that sooner or later someone will know.

[jenifer m.]

well right now im half in and half out of the closet some family,and friends know while others dont.so im slowly working on telling everyone i know.

[mapletree]

I have wondered about this question for years
I have told a few people and it never worked out as I expected

All three times cost me friendships and two times jobs and I am not sure what that says about me and choice of friends or just the luck of the draw...

So now I ask myself mpre and more what I hope my discussions will do to hopefully help me and the other people have more meaningful lives. Even a statement like did you see the game last night which can lead to really just a fun little conversation ( can actually add a great deal fun )



Its an interesting question
thanks

[eluuzion]

interesting replies, thanks.

Maybe another thought might be...

"Secrets are like Las Vegas, only shell out what you can afford to lose." lol

I also find it interesting that most people will ask "Can you keep a secret?" just before confiding in someone. Kind of poor timing on that question, isn't it? George Castanza on Seinfeld might be one of the few who might answer "no", lol.

Has anyone here ever told someone a secret, that has actually never told anyone? Hopefully there are a few still left in the world.

[Kate Simmons]

A secret known to two is no longer a secret by any stretch of the definition.:)

[msniki48]

yes its still a secret...for about 10 minutes

Kaitlyn has it right. every person i have ever told had to have told at least 2 people....who then told....and so on and so on.

i think i have mostly only told the women in my life, of course they told their husbands etc. i continue to talk to my friends...mostly the women about niki.

the men know, but are much more comfortable talking to vince about golf motorcycles fishing skiing boating etc. the minute i talk about anything from the heart....they say ...hey got another beer? lol that is my cue...change the subject.

the desire to tell came from the moment my therapist said this is natural and not a perversion, and i was seriously thinking of some sort of transition. i guess i wanted to test the waters, with an inner circle of friends and family.

:eek: WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!:eek::eek:

[docrobbysherry]

Someone who lives far away, and I KNOW won't mention it to a soul!:brolleyes:

However, it WAS a mistake! Because just telling her, has affected OUR relationship!:sad:

Now, at her insistence, I don't discuss it with her any more. And, whenever I email, or talk with her, it's like the "ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM", for ME!:eek:

Why did I feel so compelled to tell someone? I really can't tell u anymore! THAT compulsion is GONE!

If you're a closet CD, don't tell ANYONE! If u do, expect that bad things mite happen!:Angry3:

[sherri52]

Once you tell the secret the secret becomes a secret between the two of you and for each additional person you tell becomes yet another person that knows that secret. The biggest problem is once you start if your getting good reviews you start sharing with more and more people. Before you know it it is no longer a secret.

[Daenna Paz]

A "secret" is like a balloon ... you can only expand it so far before it blows up! :heehee:

[AKAMichelle]

But the one thing everybody forgets in this post, is how do you deal with everyday life when you need to talk with someone? Do you become superficial in your marriage and friends because many of you can't tell them about your cd'ing? Do your friends really know you or the lie? When you don't have a spouse you can tell, who is there for you?

If you don't talk to somebody, then you are all alone! And if that is the case, then how can anybody call cd'ing anything but a CURSE! A CURSE which locks you away from the world. I think that if you are going to live your life as a lie to everyone else then why do you expect acceptance from society if you are so ashamed of who you are?

I am very careful about who I tell everything, but I definitely don't want to live my life alone or afraid of every unknown thing that could happen. I will not go quietly! I will live life to the fullest!

[PretzelGirl]

I am with Michelle. I hid from everything growing up for fear of being ridiculed for made up things. Now that i have something real, I am a better person and don't feel the need to completely hide. I am selective, but I will let the cards fall where they may.

I told my wife because I don't feel that doing otherwise is an option. For her sake, I let her tell a couple of friends. Then I told my daughter and she could tell one friend as her husband was out of town. Her best friend was on the east coast, so not much to worry about there. Then her husband was told as telling one is telling the other.

All in all, I don't feel it was a high risk. The friends are probably the greatest risk. But unless you are deeply closeted, don't go out, and tell no one, then you are creating some level of risk. Anything is possible if you are paranoid enough. Maybe its when you have a friend over for dinner and he wants to bring his new girlfriend. She gets there and you recognize her as the SA at Victoria Secrets that did your bra fitting. :eek:

[~Michelle~]

Just because you tell someone else doesn't mean it's not a secret anymore, because a secret by clear definition is not confined to a single individual.

[AKAMichelle]

Has anyone here ever told someone a secret, that has actually never told anyone? Hopefully there are a few still left in the world.

Yes - there are a lot of T-girls who I trust to keep the secret. They know who I am and what I do for a living. And they have never told. But I do have to admit to being very selective. And I know everything about them as well. When both of you have the same secret, I think it is safe. Everyone knows that if they rat out somebody, then turn around is fair (You will outed as well).

It keeps everybody honest. :D

[tamarav]

I really never felt like I had a secret, it was just my personal fears. Once I learned to overcome those fears, the fact that I crossdress is just a fact, nothing more. People can either take it or not. My neighbors are all mixed on their opinions, but they still talk to me, ask for my help and I cut the hair for a number of them.

Our local Deputy Sheriff drove up to my house one day and asked if I could speak to a law enforcement group about crossdressers. Seems the secret is now public knowledge...

(yes, I spoke 4 times to various local law enforcement groups)

[Chickhe]

It is not a secret to me, I just don't broadcast it and I think you might share the secret to gain some freedom around that person. The answer is the same as 'if a tree falls in the forset does anyone hear it?'.

[Frédérique]

I suppose this thread is geared toward those CDrs that are "in the closet"...
I have never had the burning desire to "tell someone" about my CD interests.
But I am fascinated with what seems to be an overwhelming need for many CDs to "share" their "secret".
If you are one of those folks, I am curious what motivates that "need" for you to tell someone?

Since I'm in the closet (within a closet), I can respond to this one...

Years ago I told my girlfriend – for some reason I had a desire to do so, but I wouldn’t call it “burning.” I just thought that my crossdressing was (and still is) a beautiful thing, quite rare, hard to explain, and worth sharing with the one I love. She was an artist, like me, and seemed to be open to alternative ways of thinking and “being.” I was shy about telling her, even though I wanted to, and one day, quite unexpectedly, I blurted out “I am a transvestite.” I must say I’m sorry I shared my secret – it quite literally took the “bloom off the rose” and left me wondering why I would share this privileged information with anyone, even with a person who I considered to be my “soul-mate” at the time (she wasn’t, come to find out). I came to feel like I had betrayed myself...:sad:


My other question is that if you were to pick one person to share your secret with, who would you select? Would it be because they would be the one person you feel would keep your secret confidential? Or is it some unconscious "start" of the path to eventually "reveal" your secret to the "world". Or something else?

Well, I would tell my sister. She accepts me and all of my foibles, is immensely supportive of everything I do, and we are very close. I help her, unquestionably, in all of her endeavors, and we often just sit and talk about every subject that comes along. We are perfectly alike in sensibilities, viewpoints, and conscience, nearly always agreeing on topics that would cause disagreement on this site. :heehee: So, I would “come out” to her, but I hold back, mainly because I want to keep my secrets to myself. I cherish crossdressing for the joy I get out of it, and that makes it a very private matter – in my particular case, I don’t think sharing would enhance the experience…

[tashaly]

I haven't told anyone yet, but would like to. I'm awfully confused about my dressing, and I think someone who already knows me might be able to make some objective observations on where it fits in with the rest of my personality.

But...

I certainly wouldn't tell just any friend, especially after reading other girls' stories. I also have to agree that once you tell someone, it's almost definitely going to get out to others. I do have a good friend who I have known for a long time, she has always been very supportive when times were hard, and I know she is not very judgmental. She lives in another city, which is good in that she's less likely to gab to others, but it also means we don't see each other that often, not to mention being alone to discuss these matters.

[Julezz]

A secret is still a secret even if you tell someone, you just spread around the burden a bit. I told my girlfriend and she is really supportive, but i don't think there is anyone else i would want to tell. I like my friends knowing me in my "man" self, and kind of like keeping my femme self just for me. It's more exciting that way.

[Jose]

It won't be a secret for long. It is hard to find someone who you can truly trust these days.
-xoxo

[eluuzion]

Everyone knows that if they rat out somebody, then turn around is fair (You will outed as well).

It keeps everybody honest. :D


LOL

You just made me think of this site I found a couple years back called "Whosarat" (I think spelling is right). The whole purpose of the site was to post the names of people who had "ratted out" other people.

[Renelle]

Except for a couple of internet sites, I'm 100% in the closet, and even then I'm anonymous. What I find interesting about this situation is that telling family members or friends, is out of the question, but telling a complete stranger is somehow ok. Does this sound backwards from the way it should be? It is 'the world turned upside-down'.

There is much to lose and little to gain by telling people who have only known me one way. I'm trying to add something to my life, not lose what I already have. Telling a store clerk in another town might lead to friendship, even a superficial one. Telling a family member would be too much drama, maybe way too much drama. I don't see any way around the double-life aspect of this. For now, I'm alone, in search of the perfect stranger.

[Philipa Jane]

The best way for two people to keep a secret is when you kill the other one. LOL
PJ