Telling SO of HRT

[Diane Elizabeth]

After talking to my therapist today, she said she would do a letter for me as soon as I talk to my SO and find an Endi to prescribe the HRT. My SO knows that I dress and I have done so to some extint everyday (not full time yet). However, she and I have not discussed any of the issues, yet. My dilemma (coward that I am) is how to bring up the subject of HRT without ruffling any feathers. I know no one can really say much since no one knows how my SO will react. Has anyone else faced this problem?

[Sheila]

no solution to oyur problem, but does your SO have any clue whatsoever to the seriousness of your TG status ?

[BRANDYJ]

All I can say is I wish you the very best. And here aI thougth the hardest thing for many of us is to tell our So that we crossdress. I could not begin to imagine how hard it would be to tell her I wanted HRT. I do know it would end our relationship as a couple. She loves my fem side, but loves my male side more if anything. Huge difference in being a CD and going toward transitioning.
I honestly don't think you can bring up the subject of HRT without ruffling feathers. I hope you are sure this is what you want and are so sure as to risk the bond you now have with your SO.
You are right, only you know your SO and what her love and tolerance level might be.
I do wish you well and also wish your SO well for what she is about consider with you.

[CharleneT]

I do not know you or what issues you are seeing the therapist for ... I'm assuming in my answer that you are identifying as a TS.

Ok... um.... so, in terms of what you have discussed with your SO, what does she think you are or want ? Is it just CD'ing or more ? I ask this because jumping from wearing dresses to HRT is a leap, a big leap. One could be just a hobby, the other definitely a major and permanent life change. If you two have been discussing other issues in-between, then that is one situation. If you haven't ... then that is a harder conversation. Assuming B), you need to start with explaining what you are learning about yourself thru the therapy .... then move onto what steps you are considering - other than dressing.

[Karen564]

How to bring up the subject of HRT without ruffling any feathers?

I have absolutely no idea.....

But don't you think it's a bit late in the game to be telling her now?

I just don't understand why you didn't include her into your life as to what's going on...
Coward or not, I truly believe you had an obligation & duty to say something to her no matter what way before you even started seeing a therapist..

But whatever,
what's done is done now...so just come straight out with it to spill the beans & hope for the best at this point..

My heart goes out to her...:sad:

[AKAMichelle]

There is no easy way to tell her the news. She probably won't take it very well since you have taken so long to tell her. The advice that I can give you is quit being a coward and just tell her. She deserves the truth.

[Katesback]

Ummmmmmm.

RULE 1 of a happy healthy transition is you have to be willing to put everything on the line!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you are not.................well then you write letters like this one or you wallow in depression, or commit suicide, or whatever.

The trans community is filled with people that are unwilling to execute decisions. I really dont care what decision you make as long as you are happy!

Katie

[Sheila]

RULE 1 of a happy healthy transition is you have to be willing to put everything on the line!!!!!!!!!!!!!

someone once said to me, that to do this, you have to be selfish, there is no room for passengers on the transition road, you have to remain focused on YOUR goals and YOUR goals only, to do any other is to fail .......... how true that is I don't know, but I do know Debs will have my full backing however far down this road she travels, and she will have that because of her openness and honesty from the get go :)

[Katesback]

I am going to have to agree and disagree with you there. IT IS NOT SELFISH To be you!!

[Sheila]

Kate I agree with you, I do really, but those were the words said to me by another TS well down the path, and I don't think she meant selfish in a nasty way, more that the need to get to where you are going has to be done with total focus hun

[luvSophia]

Starla, the issues is not HRT. The issue is transitioning into a woman which involves a whole lot more than just taking hormones. And if you are already discussing getting your hormone letter with your therapist and have not clued your SO in on it yet then "ruffled feathers" is probably a pretty mild way of putting it. You need to sit down with her and have the whole discussion, not just that you are thinking about starting HRT.

[Elizabeth 66]

There is one way you can dig yourself out of this hole, delay your decision to take the HRT, and start the process now of discussing how you are feeling about your gender with your SO, and make her part of the decision making.

It may be that she accepts your feelings and you backs you up right away and you can start the HRT, she may need time, then it is up to you to see how long you can wait, after all you waited this long! Of course she may not be able to cope with the idea and may object to you having the HRT, then you have to decide you life course, can you continue how you are and keep your SO, or do you have to go down the HRT road alone?

I know this sounds hard, but we all know it is a hard road we are on, and if life was easy we would have been born as GG.

My heart goes out to you, i am only glad i am single, i would hate to be in your position, but whatever you do, and whatever happens, we are all her for you.

[ReineD]

How long have you been married, Starla, and how connected do you feel with your wife, emotionally and physically?

[PortiaHoney]

After talking to my therapist today, she said she would do a letter for me as soon as I talk to my SO and find an Endi to prescribe the HRT. My SO knows that I dress and I have done so to some extint everyday (not full time yet). However, she and I have not discussed any of the issues, yet. My dilemma (coward that I am) is how to bring up the subject of HRT without ruffling any feathers. I know no one can really say much since no one knows how my SO will react. Has anyone else faced this problem?

Hi Starla

This question raises more questions than the answers you seek.

You describe yourself as a "coward" yet you are going to face much more challenging issues other than whether to ask a doctor for HRT. There is not only telling your SO, there are all the other people in your life and, depending on how well you carry it off, facing the issue of being "outed" every day for the rest of your life. How will you face that if you haven't had the courage to speak to your SO (perhaps the most Significant Other person in your life) BEFORE approaching anyone else - professionals included. Why haven't you spoken to her before now if you feel as strongly as you NEED to feel before undertaking any journey of this significance?

By your comment, "My SO knows that I dress and I have done so to some extint everyday (not full time yet)", I have to assume that she takes no part in helping you "dress" or even that she sees you dressed on a regular basis. I take it from this statement that she does not approve, let alone encourage you? If that is the case, it does not take Sherlock Holmes to deduce how she will react to you wanting to live femme full time.

How to do it without ruffling any feathers? Hmmm. As you are making major decisions without even consenting her - this is on about the same, if not higher, level than having an affair. At least with an affair, she can see she stands a fighting chance to be with "you". You are removing the "you" as she knows you from the equation, which gives her no chance to win. This is how my ex looked at it, in spite of all my arguements that I would be the same person inside. And she was right, I am not the same person, the change goes far deeper than just the surface.

Time for a reality check. There is no way of talking to her that will guarantee her acceptance - which is what you are really looking for. Put HRT on the back burner, approach the subject gently, and you have to be prepared to pay the price of losing her (she will play that card) and YOU have to decide if it's worth the price for you to be a woman. Most of us have had to face this problem at some stage and it really is a matter of how much you NEED (not want) to go down this track. Only when you are prepared to lose everyhing will you know that you are ready for HRT and the life changes it brings with it. It may not come to that, but that is the price that you need to be prepared to pay.

I wish you well in your journey

Portia

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kate...don't confuse putting everything on the line vs. working with loved ones that you care about to ease their suffering..which is likely in turn going to give the transitioner a better outcome...one way to get the most out of life is to compromise and at the same time stay laser focused on your end goal....i was risked it all, but i also constantly thought about others needs as well..

As far as starting HRT and how to tell...you just have to do it...

and this is your problem starla...the way to get support is to share yourself..to let the people you care about in our your suffering and your thoughts...and it seems you have not been doing that..

is your therapist forcing your hand? has your lack of disclosure to your wife been a big deal in your therapy or did it just come up??

.without knowing your relationship its hard to say more...

It gives me pause that you are wondering how to do this without "ruffling feathers"

you are getting a pushback on your word choice because
this news will fundamentally and unalterably change your life and your wife's life and lots of others lives as well..
and i am not overstating the case...

its ok to be scared..you arent a superperson, you have this issue and you are trying to deal with it, but you owe your wife the truth

[Katesback]

Ya know Katie I have worked with a TON of ts people. Most suffer to no end because they are not willing to put everything on the line. I have seen sooo many TRY to powder and sugar coat the whole thing with the hope not to make spouses and family suffer. I have seen sooo much of this that it is stunning.

I submit to you from a mental health standpoint that the all on the line is the healthiest way to go.

Ya know I have actually known men who have had SRS (well they are men beccause they live as men most of the time). I cant begin to imagine what would posess anyone who goes as far as getting SRS to then continue living as a man! OHHH could it be they were not willing to put it all on the line.

I have not talked to my sister in three years...........oh well............its her loss!!!

Katie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

like i said,,"risking it all" is alot different than "F the world"

so many girls forget to think..they just act, out of desperation in some cases..and encouraging folks to risk it all or else is just not a healthy suggestion..i have seen alot too, including having best friends that risked it all getting fished out of a river. the fact that you or i have had some success doesnt apply to each and every person.

what does risk it all mean? to me it simply means that if you choose to transition, thats what you do. everything else is negotiable...i don't see whats so hard about that, and i have seen this work for many folks:hugs:

[Elizabeth 66]

Kaitlyn is right, the road in front of you has many paths, some will be blocked to you, some may be dead ends, some will take you right back to were you started! only you can choose the road you take, because only you truly knows the vehicle your driving, but if you take your time, look at the signs and think about your choices, you can make it to your destination with your SO.

Good luck

[Chickhe]

Tell her you are seeing a therapist first. Then tell her the therapist thinks you should take hormones... I would guess the news about the therapist would be the big concern and the hormone's just a way to get talking about what your true feelings are... I think was is missing is the decision to go down the transition path and not including your wife in that...big big problem there.

[Hope]

Gosh, you just don't give us much information to go on which I think is what some of the bickering is about. It sounds as if you have told your wife that you crossdress, but then left her in the dark about other issues? That is a problem - for sure - but to me it is indicative of a larger problem in your marriage - specifically that you two don't seem to communicate about some pretty hefty issues. But I could be way off base - I am just sort of offering an observation based on almost no information.

The way to manage the conversation you need to have is to talk with your wife about the process of transition Laser, therapy, hormones, RLE blah blah blah, then you need to have a series of conversations about the sorts of things you have discovered about yourself in therapy, all leading up to the reasons you (and your therapist) think you are ready to try hormones. You need to lead her down the path.

[FlakeGirl]

There is one way you can dig yourself out of this hole, delay your decision to take the HRT, and start the process now of discussing how you are feeling about your gender with your SO, and make her part of the decision making.

It may be that she accepts your feelings and you backs you up right away and you can start the HRT, she may need time, then it is up to you to see how long you can wait, after all you waited this long! Of course she may not be able to cope with the idea and may object to you having the HRT, then you have to decide you life course, can you continue how you are and keep your SO, or do you have to go down the HRT road alone?

I know this sounds hard, but we all know it is a hard road we are on, and if life was easy we would have been born as GG.

My heart goes out to you, i am only glad i am single, i would hate to be in your position, but whatever you do, and whatever happens, we are all her for you.

I agree. Her SO should have been in on this from the beginning. You need to open a dialogue with her letting her raise any concerns, fears, etc...and eventually you may need to go to a couples councilor as part of the process.

That said, everyone has to be themselves here. This is a major life change and what you want and what she wants (out of a relationship) may cease to be compatible...OR it might take you both into a new level of trust and intimacy.

:)

93,
FlakeGirl

[Diane Elizabeth]

Thank you all for your responses. I knew some of them would be brutal, and deservedly so. She has seen me dressed, even loaned me a top once. But otherwise she doesn't participate and seem to habve no interest in it. we have been together for about ten yrs now. I know she will use the money crunch as an excuse/ reason for not doing anything right now. If that is the case then I see nothing comming out of my transitioning for several years.

Many of your responses were just vocalizing what I knew already. Again thank you.

[ReineD]

Starla, are you physically close to your wife? I don't mean to be too personal, but will the HRT affect your sex life and will she be OK with this?

[Joan Merrie]

Oh my, where to start. OK, first.. my wife and I talked every thing through, from how I felt, to where I want to end up. Even now, she goes to all my Dr. appointments with me. I feel you should have been up front with her from the start. Now you need to come clean, and let the chips fall where they will. Only you know how she will react.
Like Karen said my heart goes out to her. REMEMBER THIS NOT ONLY AFFECTS YOU, BUT SOOOO MANY OTHERS. Sorry to be preachy, but thats how it is. Be prepaired to loose not only her, but family , friends, your job. Heck just be ready to loose every thing. :hugs::love:

[Sheila]

Starla, does this mean that HRT is not a viable option for now, due to money pressures, if so then you have been given a reprieve of sorts, please use that time wisely to bring your wife into the loop of where you want to be as soon as it is possible :hugs:

[Stephenie S]

OMG dear, you are SO not ready for hormones!

First you tell us your SO doesn't even know, and then you say that if she objects you will put this off.

Sweetie, you need some therapy. Probably WITH your SO.

To transition, you HAVE to be ready to lose EVERYTHING. Everything means just that. Everything. Your marriage, your wife, your kids, your family, your house, your job, your money, your friends, your future, everything. This does not mean, of course, that you WILL lose everything. Very few of us end up losing everything. But dear, you must be prepared to lose it all. Your statements show clearly that you are nowhere near ready to risk it all.

Is this a little harsh? Yup. I'm sorry. But hon, transition is not a game to dabble at. It's really serious stuff. Hormone therapy carries potentially VERY serious risks. Those of us who take hormones do so not because we WANT to, but because we HAVE to. We have no other choice.

Transition may very well be in your future, but I kinda agree with your therapist. Until you are ready to discuss this openly with your SO and an endocrinologist, you are not ready for hormone therapy.

Transitioning within a marriage is sort of like walking on water. It's not very likely. Talk to her now, and you may remain friends. Continue to deceive her, and what can you expect?

Stephenie

[carolinoakland]

Yep, the one critical thing in this is the betrayal that she will feel that you didn't include her or give her a choice. Sit her down. And this is for Sheila, I heard that too about begining transition. I often say that being in transition is like being in rehab for your gender. You have to focus on YOUR needs alone. No relationships, no commitments of a long term nature. Also, for me; when I sat down and decided that I was going to do this I had to be prepared to lose EVERYTHING. If you aren't, then you WILL suffer and the people you love WILL suffer. Put the big girl panties on and 'fess up. It will be hard, but the road will be lighter once you put down that load of guilt you're carrying. Carol

[Sheila]

Caroline, it can be done in a relationship with an SO and with family support, it really can, but those involved need to be kept in the loop.

I married Debs last Oct, knowing full well that at sometime in the future we may have to have our marriage annulled for her to go further down the transition path, we both chose to have that wonderful day as Mr & Mrs, knowing that sometime in the future we will be doing it all again in a civil relationship commitment ceremony :), so it is possible to be committed and focused :)

Look at some of the wonderful examples on her GK and Krazy cat, Sandra and Nigella, Suzy Harrison, doing wonderful work for her company and being supported throughout

[tamarav]

I have read and re-read the original question and the posts by all the members. Something is dreadfully wrong here.

All of the responses to you are very sound, but all bypass a few items. Have you actually ever been outside dressed? Or interacted with other human beings while dressed? Did you plan on transitioning in your current job? What preparations have you already gone through, hair removal, voice training, hair, ear piercing, what is the extent of your real life experience?

This sounds very much like the typical "pink fog" statements from those individuals that totally forget what reality is and want to tempt fate by shocking the world with no thought whatsoever. What else do you lie to your SO about?

I'm sorry but this is not a well thought out plan of action, in my humble opinion. Your therapist is a very quick person that probably realizes just how little concern you actually have for transitioning and how much effort it will take and has given you the assignment to tell your SO to bring reality right up to your face.

[morgan pure]

This is what I did. I ignored it for the first 9 months of HRT. Then I felt so guilty that on the way home from dinner one night I said, "Honey I have to confess that I lied to you." (Once she saw my patch and I said it was nicotine). She said, "Well, it's good that you told me because I already knew-I saw your breasts this summer." And she was very annoyed.

[Midnight Skye]

I'm with the other girls. It sounds like you and your wife aren't communicating well. And without communication... its unlikely your marriage will survive it.

And just like Tamara... I'm a little sketchy on this. But have you been out much presenting as female? I believe this is EXTREMELY important if you're considering transitioning to dress as you would intend to and go out and about doing your best to see what its like to be a transgendered female. As many say. Hormones don't change that much. They help mask things and make our body more manageable. But on hormones or not you need to see what it feels like. I gather you've been going out presenting androgynous... But in my experience androgynous and en-fem don't feel anywhere near the same.

I am getting this vibe that you're jumping the gun and missing real life experiences. Don't get me wrong... I don't doubt you're transgendered. But being transgendered and trying to live as a transgendered woman are two different things.

[Diane Elizabeth]

Yes I do go out at least once a week en fem. I even get madamed with the SO next to me. She knows I go out dressed. I know you all are giving out wise advice for me to consider. Most of these I have thought about. No, we are not close. My therapist is willing to give me my letter. The cost of HRT and the Dr appts that aren't covered by insurance is a big damper on moving ahead. I am considering putting everything on hold at least until summer is over.

[Elizabeth 66]

The cost of HRT and the Dr appts that aren't covered by insurance is a big damper on moving ahead.

If as it seems you are not able to afford this line of treatment at the moment, hang fire with the letter, take the summer to spend some time with your SO and let her know how your feeling, then come the fall you will be in a much better position to move forward in a positive manner.

good luck!

[Angiemead12]

I told my girl maybe when I hit 40 I will want to take hormones. I put it out there now that Im 30 just in case I need to do it I wouldnt feel that I led her on for so long!

Im lucky she is still with me.

[DonnaLynn77]

I told my girl maybe when I hit 40 I will want to take hormones. I put it out there now that Im 30 just in case I need to do it I wouldnt feel that I led her on for so long!

Im lucky she is still with me.

The difference between your results starting at 30 vs 40 are worth considering, just sayin'. :)

[TxKimberly]

After talking to my therapist today, she said she would do a letter for me as soon as I talk to my SO and find an Endi to prescribe the HRT. My SO knows that I dress and I have done so to some extint everyday (not full time yet). However, she and I have not discussed any of the issues, yet. My dilemma (coward that I am) is how to bring up the subject of HRT without ruffling any feathers. I know no one can really say much since no one knows how my SO will react. Has anyone else faced this problem?

Well, I'd have to be honest with you. There is NO way way in hell to tell your wife that you are going to take medications and other steps to feminize yourself and NOT upset her.

My next thought is that you are talking about a massive rearrangement of your marriage so you DO need to talk to her before you do anything along these lines. This is a major decision for not only your life, but also for hers, and of course for your marriage. It seems to me that she has a right to be involved in and a voice in making the decision - unless of course you have already decided to end your marriage.

[Stephenie S]

Expense is a poor excuse.

Your endo will bill your insurance for something other than gender related problems. He/she wants to get paid, after all. And hormone therapy is cheap, cheap, cheap. These drugs are produced by the billions. Your initial hormone therapy will cost you $8 a month at WalMart. You can find that in your couch.

You may not be ready for hormone therapy, but expense won't stand in your way.

Stephie

[Empress Lainie]

i have read and re-read the original question and the posts by all the members. Something is dreadfully wrong here.

all of the responses to you are very sound, but all bypass a few items. Have you actually ever been outside dressed? yes. or interacted with other human beings while dressed?yes did you plan on transitioning in your current job? Was hired as a female with my female id 3 times. what preparations have you already gone through,only hormones hair removal, voice training, hair, ear piercing,yes a year later what is the extent of your real life experience? i transitioned in one day to living as female, and never went back, changed my name, got female id at the dmv, lived as a woman that i am since july 2, 2007.
I have only been made once by a guy dancing with me, a cowboy in for the rodeo, and he was ok with it and came back and danced with me again.

I lost my job i had for 20 yrs simply because of two tranny haters that didn't know me,, one of whom was the parent of a new student. The other one had the power to order the school director (who was ok with me) to fire me. Since then i have been hired and worked as a gg 3 times, twice for the feds on census, once in my permanent job. I also lost my ex. Who hasn't seen me and won't since my transition. That hurt. On the other hand my gg girlfriend of 20 yrs recently said she would marry me as i am.

this sounds very much like the typical "pink fog" statements from those individuals that totally forget what reality is and want to tempt fate by shocking the world with no thought whatsoever. What else do you lie to your so about? i had no so at the time i transitioned only my gg girlfriend. She actually saw me turning into a woman before i did, three months early and didn't speak to me until 4 months after as i recall.

i'm sorry but this is not a well thought out plan of action, in my humble opinion. Your therapist (i wouldn't have a therapist, i don't need one, i know who i am, and unless the therapist is a trans herself they are in my opinion valueless.) is a very quick person that probably realizes just how little concern you actually have for transitioning and how much effort it will take and has given you the assignment to tell your so to bring reality right up to your face.

I am giving you my own answers which are I am sure different from the person you addressed these two.
......

[ReineD]

No, we are not close.

You're not giving us a lot of info. Do you want to get closer, or is your marriage on its last legs? Or have you and your wife decided to live just as housemates for financial or other practical reasons? Are you physically attracted to your wife and vice-versa?

Your approach to telling her about the HRT would be different under each of these scenarios.

If you are not close, then why would you taking HRT ruffle your wife's feathers?

[jerca]

Hiding information might be just a short step from telling lies, it is just introduction to more trouble. IMO honesty is fundamental for a relation to work out successfully. Not telling her is just delaying this talk to some later time and it will be harder then. If you are together for 10 years, as you say, it is fair to tell her beforehand. She needs time to think about it, like you did - your thoughts about HRT haven't come overnight, don't you think so?

LP, Jerca

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Starla...i read the posts today and I hope you are not feeling too beat up!!

The thing is that you have a common question, and lots of us have worked with other transsexuals...and unless you are willing to lay it all out on the line...then starting down a path can have bad results...

by not telling your wife, and by the way you are dribbling out information, and by the strange way your therapist is forcing your hand, my spider sense is tingling..

i hope you can figure all this out, and it seems that one of the best options you have is to sit down with your wife (now that i know you go out with her dressed..) and let it all go...tell her, and see what happens...if you are ever going to succesffully transition (even partially), the situation with your wife has to get figured out...if $$ is an issue, she can make it much easier or much harder on you!!!! think about it!

and if you are not close, then you have nothing to fear anyway...my separation was the best thing that could happen for my transition..

all the best

[morgan pure]

In general, transgenderism is not good for marriages. Women are inculcated with the verile male ideal from childhood (it helps define and empower the passive role), and they are generally often even dismissive of non-male males. Despite the fact that many girls are friendly with gay boys for companionship, many women are also suspicious and some even hostile. My little semi-ex has always been freaked by my situation.

OH. God, the complexity of transgenderism is boggling. Please stop making me think about it.