Keeping open communication

[nodaybuttoday]

I am wondering how those CDers that are married/in relationships keep open communication with their SO about their CDing? Do you continually share new purchases and revelations in your CDing to your partner? And if so, how do you bring it up?

Essentially, what happens after you've "come out" to your SO and how do you insure that the lies and holding back stop?

[BRANDYJ]

This is simple for me to answer. My SO has no problems what so ever about my CDing. so if there is anything I do, want to do, want to buy or anything, I simply tell her as easy as telling her what I am watching on TV. She is usually the one to bring up new revelations about me and my CDing. Never anything negative. Neither one of us has any problem talking about my CDing... or any topic for that matter. I guess you can count me among the lucky ones that has love, respect, acceptance, understanding, and trust that in incomparable to any I've ever known.

[sissystephanie]

This is simple for me to answer. My SO has no problems what so ever about my CDing. so if there is anything I do, want to do, want to buy or anything, I simply tell her as easy as telling her what I am watching on TV. She is usually the one to bring up new revelations about me and my CDing. Never anything negative. Neither one of us has any problem talking about my CDing... or any topic for that matter. I guess you can count me among the lucky ones that has love, respect, acceptance, understanding, and trust that in incomparable to any I've ever known.

My almost 50 years with my late wife was very much like Brandy's! I told her before we married, and she not only accepted me but also fully supported me all the time. We talked about everything, including my CD activities! We were girlfriends, as well as husband and wife, so we did a lot of things together as two girls! Honesty really is the best way to go!

[SuzanneBender]

Wow what a challenging question.

First lets start with what happens after you come out. This isn't a simple answer. Every relationship and ever circumstance will be different. When I came out to my wife a couple of months ago I expected the earth to open up and swallow us. It didn't. In fact, our relationship is stronger today than it ever has been in our marriage.

That is due to the open communication issue. When I came out my wife felt lied to and betrayed. Every SO that finds out about this revelation after marriage has a right to feel this way. However, there is a way and in my humble opinion, only one way, to earn her trust back. That is through an open line of communication with her. You need to discuss how much information she wants to know and then freely provide that information.

This is a big part of our lives. Relationships are about sharing ourselves. Our SOs will never be accepting of this until we are proud and accepting of it and ourselves.

Now on to your question about how to communicate about this. Again that depends. I know I am horrible with not providing a direct answer tonight, but there is not one direct answer to this question. I would simply suggest telling her about this like you tell her about anything else to do with your day. At first it is ohhh sooo awkward. But with time it becomes a new normal and you are able to move forward with life.

I hope this helps. My wife and I are still working through all of this, but so far its working for us.

[gabimartini]

I share everything, purchases, makeup techniques, urges, cabin fevers, underdressing, etc. Being able to tell the truth is very liberating!

[sleeplessone4u]

That is due to the open communication issue. When I came out my wife felt lied to and betrayed. Every SO that finds out about this revelation after marriage has a right to feel this way. However, there is a way and in my humble opinion, only one way, to earn her trust back. That is through an open line of communication with her. You need to discuss how much information she wants to know and then freely provide that information.

This is a big part of our lives. Relationships are about sharing ourselves. Our SOs will never be accepting of this until we are proud and accepting of it and ourselves.


Well said Suzanne... communication is the key in the entire process with our SOs. Over the past year to two years, our relationship has opened up new doors and deepened our love for one another as I've been open to accept myself for who I am as well as share it in its entirety with my wife. She loves me more, knowing that I care for her deeply and that will never change, no matter how much I compete with her for the make-up or clothes. :heehee:

When I want to purchase something for myself, I ask her for her opinion. I find that her taste and overview prevents me from making a lot of mistakes in clothing choice, etc. We don't always agree, but she knows when I purchase something, why, and how it will be used. It is an open communication entirely. Now, let me say that it was not this way in the early days of coming out to her. But, we made an agreement that we would be totally honest with everything as I was coming out.

Unfortunately, I know this doesn't work for everyone and their SOs.

[PretzelGirl]

I think it is something you have to feel out and develop. Every person is different.

With my wife, I found that I would pull things out to wear and she would comment about not having seen it before. Now when I buy something, I make it a point to show her. The only problem is that she will sometimes borrow it before I get a chance to wear it. :idontknow:

[suchacutie]

Tina is a joint project in our house. My wife and I share all our ideas and thoughts and Tina is much the better for it!!!

:)

[~Michelle~]

My lovely wife has been very accepting since day one, it's just that I have chosen myself not to remind her almost every day or week about my other me.

[Mea GG]

Oh, how wonderful to hear these happy stories. :)

The communication, openness, trust, love, and sharing make yummy yummy lemonade while others are sucking on a sour lemon out of fear.

[Sarah_GG]

We just talk, every day about everything. Communication is easy between us. Although my SO doesn't come here, we discuss some of the posts and have an easy exchange of opinion about CDing and just about everything else.

Keep the lines of communication open and not just about CDing. If the only time you ever sit down with her and talk is about CDing, then she may get bored or tired of the whole issue. But keep it loose and discuss things as they come and go. Keep up to date with each others feelings.

For a start you could introduce your SO to this site so she can read for herself and talk to you about what she reads. Much better than furtively closing the window down every time she walks into the room. If you start hiding things again, believe me, SHE WILL KNOW on some level.

:)

[lee in a skirt]

Me and my SO seem to talk a lot. If theres anything on my mind shes notices and then we talk about it. As far as purchases are concerned she seems to buy me more or be there when i buy stuff anyway.

[sleeplessone4u]

Keep the lines of communication open and not just about CDing. If the only time you ever sit down with her and talk is about CDing, then she may get bored or tired of the whole issue. But keep it loose and discuss things as they come and go. Keep up to date with each others feelings.

For a start you could introduce your SO to this site so she can read for herself and talk to you about what she reads. Much better than furtively closing the window down every time she walks into the room. If you start hiding things again, believe me, SHE WILL KNOW on some level.

:)

Sarah, I have to agree completely with you that you should keep it loose and discuss things as they come and go, not going overboard talking about it all the time. If you do go overboard, your SO will eventually think that you will change too far leaving her behind or get bored as you said.

Let the conversation be loose and free. Overtime, it will become more natural and second nature, or that's how it seems to us. Just not sure about having her check out this site though. She knows about it now, but she is interested in me personally, not a site. :daydreaming:

[Karren H]

Ohh yeah!! We have open communications for sure. She tells me what to do and I do it.. Sigh...

[Deborah Jane]

We talk about everything, c/d related and not c/d related.
When you start hiding things from each other, that's the time to re-assess your relationship and whether it still has a future.

[tamarav]

My wife and I have been together for over 25 years. I told her well before our marriage and she has known what sort of person I am since then. We talk but not in depth about my CDing, it is simply a fact, not a source of titilation for her.

Most of you that have not been honest with your SOs seem to think that talking about it to your SO will still be a high for you but in reality it is just another point of conversation if the communication is open and free.

Being honest and open in a relationship should extend to all subjects, shouldn't it??

[kimdl93]

I'm out and supported to the extent that I can dress pretty much full time at home - I haven't had the courage to go outside with much more than a little make up. When I have something new, I show her. We are just fully open with each other.

[Lisalove1976]

I try too... she knows about my cd'ing but she doesn't really want to know anything about it. She say's I don't talk to her about it but when we do she makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I wish we could be honest and open about it, it would make things so much easier.

[Sarah Doepner]

While my CDing is a significant part of my life, my wife sees it as a small part of hers. Actually that makes sense since she is also concerned with her parents, siblings, children, grandchildren, friends, other family and so on. I share what I can with her and she acknowledges it, supports me and even helps me on occasion, but it's just something that I do under conditions we both agree on.

I occasionally have to remind myself that the joy and/or comfort I get from this is not something she feels. She understands much about what I do and why I do it, but her life is full and she doesn't need to live vicariously through my activities.

[Sheila]

Being honest and open in a relationship should extend to all subjects, shouldn't it??

for a good relationships, yup it should, I agree :)

For Debs and I we talk at length about all sorts and her TGism is just a part of normal conversation now, obviously in the beginning we talked about it more, now we have been together for so long it is just another part of our life together:)

[jayme357]

Really interesting question. I have always wished that my SO would want to talk more about my love to dress. As a number of my sisters have noted, this is my issue, not hers. She has made it quite clear that if she had a choice she would be much happier if I was not a crossdresser. And, she would prefer not to continually talk about it. But, she knows it makes me happy, and therefore places my needs before hers. She knows I like the fashions at JC Penneys and whenever we are near a store she will always ask if I want to stop in for a peek. Same with sales at the local CVS or Riteaid particularly when the press-on nails are on sale.

How much more can I ask? The downside is that I try so hard to protect her and not dress when she is home. I hate watching the clock to make sure I am back to "normal" before she gets home. Typically my dressing time is limited to an hour here and maybe two hours there.

Am I being silly? Should I take advantage of the relative freedom I have been given? Or, should I continue to respect what I have been given and quit whining?

[nodaybuttoday]

Really interesting question. I have always wished that my SO would want to talk more about my love to dress. As a number of my sisters have noted, this is my issue, not hers. She has made it quite clear that if she had a choice she would be much happier if I was not a crossdresser. And, she would prefer not to continually talk about it. But, she knows it makes me happy, and therefore places my needs before hers. She knows I like the fashions at JC Penneys and whenever we are near a store she will always ask if I want to stop in for a peek. Same with sales at the local CVS or Riteaid particularly when the press-on nails are on sale.

How much more can I ask? The downside is that I try so hard to protect her and not dress when she is home. I hate watching the clock to make sure I am back to "normal" before she gets home. Typically my dressing time is limited to an hour here and maybe two hours there.

Am I being silly? Should I take advantage of the relative freedom I have been given? Or, should I continue to respect what I have been given and quit whining?

I felt very similar to your wife when my fiancee first started to dress, but it's also because I was not use to it. It's hard to get use to it, but it's exactly why I posed this question in the first place. I want to know what is going and I don't want him to feel he has to go back into hiding and not share anything with me.

He just seems to have a hard time opening up to me and letting me in about all of this, I guess maybe he's so use to having to hide it, it's hard to probably talk about it.

[minalost]

We really don't talk about it. My wife knows (we did it the hard way years ago when she discovered my stash of fem clothing...), but doesn't approve. It's actually harder for me, I think, than for her. The habit of a life time says don't talk about it: you'll be hated and ridiculed... I'm intellectually sure that won't happen wtih my wife, but try to convince me of that on an emotional level! I do push the envelope just a little bit now and then. I even made a small joke about it last week and we both laughed. But it's still hard.
Oh well, one day, and one step, at a time.
:hugs:

[t-girlxsophie]

My wife is totally comfortable with my Dressing,as she knew before we met,but I was still worried before she finally saw me Dressed,I needn't have
worried,she was incredible and has amazed me so much with everything she has done for me,She suprises me with presents of clothes she thought would suit me etc,and we discuss everything,I have never kept any thoughts,ideas from her,even If she didn't agree with me,I would never Isolate her.Oh!yeah and She is always their to criticise my outfit choices:heehee:

Of course she likes to see her man on occasion,but she Is comfortable with her woman,sometimes even is disappointed if She isn't around,when she comes home from work.

Sorry I could bore you all for hours about my wife,and how much I love and adore her,but can sum it up by saying before I met her I was lonely and fed up with life,but now I want to live every day with her to the fullest,she Is my Rock:love::hugs:

[Jocelyn Quivers]

CDing is treated no differently then anything else in our relationship, purchasing a dress is looked upon the same as buying another video game. Which means my wife's response is you have enough already!
Anything else is just brought up as any other conversation.

[Jannette H]

CDing is treated no differently then anything else in our relationship, purchasing a dress is looked upon the same as buying another video game. Which means my wife's response is you have enough already!
Anything else is just brought up as any other conversation.

Thank You Jocelyn, I guess I'm not alone hearing that.
When I purchased the last skirt suit I got why did you buy that, you have seven complete out fits in the closet and how many blouses do you need. My SO is supportive of my CDing but doesn't want to see it. We talk some but little about the subject.:)

[Carol Richards]

I came out ot my wife before we were married, two weeks after i had met her. I was a member of this website at the time and read alot of the posts that helped me realize alot about myself. When i first told her she was very surprised and she thought it was going to be something alot worse. It was so hard to tell her, but honesty(in my opinion) is the best policy. She didn't understand, but she knew who I was and said she would have felt betrayed and lied to if i had told her later on.
Now four years later she has slowly became more accepting of Carol and does not have a problem with my dressing. She even has picked some areas that i can go to for my first time out. She helps me with clothes and helps me with my makeup, etc. She has realized that Carol is a part of me and does not pose a threat to our relationship. Carol and me are the same person, we just wear differen't clothing.
My advise is to educate her and start slowly when you tell her. Let her look in this website and read some of the posts. My wife was amazed at the amout of us girls out there. Be there for her and reassure her that you are the same person you were before. Just a more diverse person.
I hope this helps, sorry to be so long winded.

[Tasha McIntyre]

Whilst not going backward - my wife and I will probably never go forward. It's the old "do what you have to do, but I don't want to talk about what you bought or what you do, and definitely don't want to see you with a skirt on etc"

She knows everything, and I quite often just say to her "if there's any questions or anything you want to know etc, just ask me"

I'd love to be able to talk more and share experiences with my wife but accept that just ain't gonna ever happen.

Having said that, I get freedom to get out and about and don't have to hide my clothes or make up. Believe me, I'm happy with that :)

Tash

[Joanne f]

I do not see that there is a pacific need to single out the CDing part of you as this makes it an all important part of your life( yes i know it is to the individual but at the moment we are talking relationship) when i think it should just be integrated in your normal way of life and just a natural part of it so things will be talked about and looked at the same as anything else in the relationship.
If it is treated as a normal thing in the relationship by both partners (and not taken advantage of) then hopefully there will be no need to lie about the cross dressing side of things , but for some the CDing is only part of it and that really is another matter .

[eluuzion]

Communication is critical in a relationship. When married, I was always looking for ways to improve it. I thought this was a great idea of mine...

I told my wife that I had an idea of something that might help...if everytime she had something to say, she would simply raise her hand, and wait to speak until I called on her. :thumbsup:

made sense to me..,
then again, I have been also been divorced 3 times...lol

[Joanne f]

I told my wife that I had an idea of something that might help...if everytime she had something to say, she would simply raise her hand, and wait to speak until I called on her. :thumbsup:

made sense to me..,
then again, I have been also been divorced 3 times...lol

:lol: 3 weeks is a long time to have your hand in the air though :lol2: