Mistaken for a woman when dressed as a male

[jessi]

I seem to be mistaken for a female quite a lot when not intending it. I don't know if it's my face, body shape (natural feminine fat distribution), or mannerisms, but it seems to happen a lot, and not just as a momentary misidentification. It creates a mixture of emotions.

Some examples:

A few months ago, I learned that a group of chess players meet at a nearby coffeeshop every weekend. Although it had been years since I played chess, I went, and asked one of the men there if he wanted to play. We played three or four games, chatting throughout about the local real estate market (he is a realtor) and the goings on in the neighborhood. At the end, he introduced me to several other people there. Although I told him my name was "Jesse", he introduced me as "Jess" to everyone. He said, "she lives here in the neighborhood". A few of the people he introduced me to seemed surprised to see me identified as female (maybe it was my day-old stubble). This guy was probably a bit older than me (I'm 40), so it wasn't senility.

A few years back, I was visiting some family in So Cal. I took a break from the family and went rollerblading on Santa Monica Beach with my shirt off. A young woman rode up to me from behind on her bike, and said, "Miss, this isn't a topless beach! You need to put your top back on!" I have maybe small manboobs, and have little body hair, but am somewhat muscular. So it was mortifying. She was flummoxed when I replied, "Excuse me?" in a baritone. She then proceeded to chat me up a bit riding along side me, but I could tell she was very embarrassed.

A woman was doing lat pulldowns at the gym, and I walked up to the station and did regular pull-ups at the pull-up rig next to her. I pulled 14 or 15... We stopped our set at about the same time, and she (a woman whose appearance many people would characterize as "lesbian-ish") said to me, "you remind me of a girl I went to high school with...she was so competitive." Although I took it as an odd comment, I replied that I wasn't competing with her, I was just getting a workout. We had about a 10-minute conversation about high school, music, and other things. At the end, she asked me if I could give her some tips on doing pullups, since I could do a lot of pull ups for a woman. Here again, I had about a day of stubble on my chin and had been talking in my normal male voice the whole time.

A year or so ago, I met a male friend for some beers at a local pub. There was a group of lesbians at the next table that he knew (he is a doctor and two of them are doctors as well). He introduced me to them, and I chatted with them for a while. He told me the next day that when I went to the bar to buy some drinks, the women asked him, "How do you know her? You know that our type aren't interested in you!!"

I could provide lots of other recent examples of these unplanned identifications of me as female. I've been mistaken for a female many times, even when wearing a suit and tie.

On the one hand, I am thrilled by it. On the other, it makes me terrified. How feminine do I look to others? I like being a man, and want to interact with others as a man when I am in male mode.

A third feeling is one of frustration. There are times when I have attempted to be mistaken for female by making my appearance somewhat more androgynous (closer shaving, clothing that is less stereotypically male, but always get called "sir". I'd love to get mistaken for a female at a store and be able to buy a few clothing items without embarrassment.

Any thoughts about what might prompt people to read me as female when I don't intend it, but male when I do intend a more androgynous appearance?

Cheers...Jess

[Simply_Vanessa]

It happens to me a lot these days :) Especially when I am driving around. Just 30 min ago, I was riding with my cousin, and some guys in a convertible hollered at me :)

[Lexine]

I started questioning lately how people are able to identify my gender sometimes and, without makeup, depending on how you look at me, I can be either. The only identifying characteristic I have is whether or not I have a more pronounced chest, or if I have any sort of feminine articles on (makeup included). Before I started taking CDing seriously or even considered doing it, people just generally waited until I opened my mouth and spoke so that they could place a gender on their responses.

I'd peg the gender identification to the kinds of clothes you wear, maybe color choices and pairings and something in addition to that which reinforces the visual aspect of the gender identification, like mannerisms, etc. From my experience, people identify with their eyes first then try to validate it with something else.

[AKAMichelle]

LUCKY! They would never make that mistake with me.

[Jessy]

It's hard to say, not knowing what you look like. But if your looks aren't too feminine when going out as a man, it might be pose, behavior, actions.

[gabimartini]

It's difficult to objectively say without looking at a picture. However, there's something you do that convey femininity to people. Could be choice of attire, manerisms, speech patterns, voice pitch, body shape, hair style, all of the above, neither of the above, I don't know.

In any case, what can be viewed by some as a blessing, can actually be a curse, especially when you are not en femme and don't wish to present as female.

[Midnight Skye]

Hey Jessi. Sounds like.. for whatever reason, you have characteristics of both men and women. Odds are from what you describe... you act and sound a bit more female than your average man. Because each of the situations you described involved interaction with the other person... not just a single hi and goodbye. So that leads me to believe its a number of different factors all coming together. Something someone would observe after watching you for a short time... not just at a short glance. But any way you look at it, it sounds like you're blessed to be yourself. Something which is fun, interesting and unique.

[Pink Pillow]

Have you long hair? Look at me from behind while I'm in a pair of skinny jeans and you'll never tell! I think it goes for a lot of guys with hair down to the shoulders.

My problem is that I can't tell voices half the time. I call random clients during work, but it happens in the drive thru too! I always feel so bad when I make the mistake.

[vetobob9]

I’ve been mistaken for a woman a couple of times. The most embarrassing was when my nephew, who I had never seen before, referred to me as a “she”. I was not even wearing dresses or stuff then, just regular guy stuff. I felt embarrassed each time, kind of like I was being put down when the other kids at school would say it. I have had adults comment on it. I had a supervisor, once who made the comment, “You have a girlish figure”, because I was naturally skinny due to high metabolism at the time. She and the coworkers were talking about it. A bit of embarrassment but they were joking about it.

[Loni]

where is the problem?? i would die and be in hog heaven if i could have that problem.

but enjoy it while you can. for me it would take a lot of reworking the body and face just to put on a good illusion.


.

[jessi]

In any case, what can be viewed by some as a blessing, can actually be a curse, especially when you are not en femme and don't wish to present as female.

Yes, that's what bothers me. There have been numerous occasions where I have been mistaken for female in a business setting, where it is extremely uncomfortable. One time, I was invited to a special recognition luncheon at my company for recent management promotees. I had gotten a promotion, but so had others in my area, and they didn't know anything about it. I went to the luncheon, which was supposedly with some top execs from the company. Once the program started, it became apparent that it was for women in the company who had recently been promoted. All of the top execs and attendees there were female, and I was the only male in the room. The organizers had, I found out later, selected the attendees using their most recent company pictures (in which I was wearing a jacket and tie). I stayed through the program, including standing up to accept a leadership award tchotchke with my name on it, but left before they served lunch. The conversations with the other women at my table would have been too awkward. Everyone was professional about the mistake: the exec who was at my table later set up a meeting with me and the organizer of the event to apologize (but I swear, they related to me as women would with another woman in that situation), and a few of the women that I worked with who were there took me out to lunch later to help me laugh it off. One of them told me that the women who were sitting at my table thought I was a woman, and were surprised when I left early. This made me feel worse, not better.

There have been other cases that have been equally humiliating. So much so that I don't even tell my wife about it happening. But I have been mistaken for female when I'm with her, so she knows that it happens.

BTW, I have short hair, and have for many years. My barber knows my "3/4 inch on the top, #2 blade on the side" by heart.

[eluuzion]

I seem to be mistaken for a female quite a lot when not intending it.

Any thoughts about what might prompt people to read me as female when I don't intend it, but male when I do intend a more androgynous appearance?
Cheers...Jess

Jessi

The reasons are related to kinesics (non-verbal behavior). 75-90+ percent of communication is non-verbal. You may be sending out mixed “messages” with your “body language”. For example, females raise eyebrows and move eyes/cheeks/lips “up” three times more than males in their expressions. Females do more preening/primping gesturing. Females also do not take up as much “space” with their bodies. (arms closer together against body, legs together). Etc. etc. etc.

There are many areas of body language that we all display. We all learn to interpret these “cues” as babies and children…most are “unconscious”, both in displaying and interpreting. They are major factors in how we interpret each other and communicate. There are over 30 muscles used specific to emotion in the face alone.

Your issue may also have to do with occulesics (the way we make eye contact with each other) and haptics (the way we touch).

It is way too deep to cover it all in a post. If you want more info, send me a pm and I can give you many resources to help you understand.

[paulinescotlandcd]

Do you have a picture we could see?

[Gerrijerry]

Just my feelings because I have the same problem but to me I don't really care that much. As a CD when fully dressed and out I have spend years making myself more passable. That means also that I feel comfortable while out dressed. I have of course had my hair done at salons so the cut is feminine but when dressed male I shape it as male. My eyebrows are thin also. after a while the way you move as a female and a male blend together and yes people notice that. When out with my wife as a male sometimes people say hello ladies. even though I have need of a shave. I believe that some just are more naturally feminine and over time if you go out a lot dressed you will add that to how you are at all times. Just my feelings. we are what we are. They say pratice pratice to pass but with all that pratice sooner or later it has an effect all the time.

[Kathleengurl]

A CD friend and I drove to Richmond as gurls to do some sight seeing and tour various monuments, museums and such. One of my first times out w/o the help of a GG. The places we visited were primarily staffed by older gentlemen. --who were not fooled for a moment but still made considerable effort to treat us as ladies. Which made our day all that much better.

--my point: I think the more mature gentlemen aren't at all hung up on who is what and why. They just don't take time for the drama. They probably see a lot better than they get credit for. OP's gentleman probably sensed it addressed the facts and not the perception.

[RADER]

Maybe get a "T" shirt with "I AM A BOY" printed on it. LOL Rader

[Misty is Kindafem]

Picture please.

-Misty

[Patty]

Picture please

[jessi]

Picture please

Here is a picture. Thank you to everyone for your comments.

http://i744.photobucket.com/albums/xx90/jessi90901/testpic2.jpg

Here's another. This one seems to have confused some people...
http://i744.photobucket.com/albums/xx90/jessi90901/testpic3.jpg

[PetiteDuality]

I'm sorry, but I'm not buying it.

Being confused as a girl, even wearing a suit and tie?

And having seen your picture, you don't look feminine at all to me.

[kristinacd55]

Jess,
Get a few more posts & show ur pic then we can decide! :daydreaming: Last time I was mistaken for a girl was when I was a teen & had long gorgeous hair. I was wearing a white somewhat fem sweater & the waitress came from behind & said "miss what can i get for you?". I acted surly, but inside I said YES! this is great, someone thinks im a girl!
I think as a tg/cd you should be thrilled for these observations, I know I was. Just my :2c:

Umm, never mind. There's no way you'd be mistaken for a woman by those pics! LOL As a matter of fact, I think you're playing with us

[Schatten Lupus]

It happens to me every once in awhile. It happened alot with the last job, especially working in areas where the people don't know me.


Being confused as a girl, even wearing a suit and tie?
I've been mistaked as a woman wearing my black leather trench coat, black demin jeans, and a black band shirt (Slipknot I think is what I was wearing), and I know my frame is not feminine, being about 6'4'' and 250 lbs.

[jessi]

Jess,
Get a few more posts & show ur pic then we can decide! :daydreaming: Last time I was mistaken for a girl was when I was a teen & had long gorgeous hair. I was wearing a white somewhat fem sweater & the waitress came from behind & said "miss what can i get for you?". I acted surly, but inside I said YES! this is great, someone thinks im a girl!
I think as a tg/cd you should be thrilled for these observations, I know I was. Just my :2c:

Umm, never mind. There's no way you'd be mistaken for a woman by those pics! LOL As a matter of fact, I think you're playing with us


No, not playing with you. I have more respect for your time than that.

Well, I agree...I always thought I looked masculine. I've never had the guts to CD in public since I thought it would be impossible to pass. This is why it baffles me to be mistaken for a woman. I do have a somewhat atypical body for a male- gynoid fat distribution and hips that are about as wide as my shoulders. I could see how someone might mistake my body for a muscular female one at the gym. Or it could be my mannerisms or some other vibe I'm giving off.

[KateSpade83]

Thanks for posting those pics... but I really don't see how people can mistake you for a female when you don't look a bit feminine!

[Rachel Morley]

I was going to say that you must have very feminine facial features and also a feminine sounding voice, but looking at this pic of you (http://i744.photobucket.com/albums/xx90/jessi90901/testpic2.jpg), I am completely confused how anyone could mistake you for a woman :confused:

[Karren H]

Hell I'm rarely mistaken for a woman when dressed as one let alone visa versa... Sigh...

[Misty is Kindafem]

Here's another. This one seems to have confused some people...
http://i744.photobucket.com/albums/xx90/jessi90901/testpic3.jpg

Well, you're kinda cute, but you definitely "looka like a man".

-Misty

[jessi]

Thanks for your comments, everyone. The conversation here has helped me connect some dots. I've concluded that it must be my body, posture, and mannerisms that people are responding to, not my face.

I don't think my body looks like a female body, but is probably more female-looking than male. I have sparse body hair, a small frame, narrow shoulders, a small rib cage, wide hips, and a female fat distribution. I have mild gynecomastia (36A) and very little fat on my upper body, except my arms, which gives the appearance of small breasts. Despite years of working out, I don't have much bulk. When I have dropped enough fat to get muscle definition, I feel like I'm starving, so I don't have much muscle definition except on my abs. I have been tested, and do not have low testosterone/free T. In fact it's at the high range of normal. Maybe I have Klinefelter's (never been tested) but I do not have the other symptoms, besides the body shape. I like my body the way it is- like my personality, it's a mix of masculine and feminine characteristics, leaning a bit to the feminine side.

I was ridiculed endlessly and avoided in college dorm showers because of the female appearance of my body, especially from behind. Back in my days of dating, some women would freak out when we got our clothes off, ending things right there. Needless to say, my wife wasn't one of them. Every doctor I have ever seen has asked me if I'm on hormone therapy, and they don't seem to believe me when I say no. I probably blocked a lot of the more disturbing and painful experiences out.

I mentioned to my wife last night that I had been mistaken for a woman while wearing a suit, and she said she wasn't surprised. The cut of my suits emphasizes my hips too much, apparently. I'm going to look into custom tailoring...