I really need some help and advice.

[Schatten Lupus]

I am really needing some help, and maybe someone here has been through a similar situation. My relationship has hit a very tough spot. When I first came out to her, she said she would try to stick it out with me, and a couple years later, after seeing me dressed as a woman and trying to talk and act as one, reality has sunk in and now she does not think she can do it. We still love each other very much, but where in a position of where I am wanting to start seeing a therapist and begin HRT soon so that I can begin living full time after I graduate with my masters, but she is simply not wanting me to. We have both acknowledged we both want different things, and there probably won't be any comprises. I really don't know what to do about this, as we both still deeply love and care about each other, and it comes down to essentially I am really not wanting to continue living as a male, and she does not want to be with a woman.

[EnglishRose]

Unfortunately I can't be much help as am going through pretty much the same thing. However I really wish you all the best. :hugs:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

the only thing that can really help every time is self analyze as best you can...then be totally and completely honest..

then the chips will fall in their proper places...

you are not going to be able to control her feelings, and you cannot control "who you are"...although you do have say in how you deal with who you are..if you give up yourself to stay together, or she is unhappy its not a great thing anyway.

[GypsyKaren]

It sounds like you both have already hashed this out as best can be done, so it boils down to making the tough decision of changing or moving on.

GK

[kellycan27]

I think you pretty much answered your own question. I am not sure what kind of help you are asking for.. or expect to recieve other than our support for your feelings. Life doesn't always offer us happy endings, but on the other hand maybe your happy ending will come from another direction if and when you are able to live your life as you feel you should, and maybe the same will hold true for your SO also.
I wish you both the best of luck at this very difficult time.

Kelly

[Andy66]

if you give up yourself to stay together, or she is unhappy its not a great thing anyway.
I agree. You obviously love each other very much, and both have a lot of time and emotion invested in your relationship. Is it possible to get couple's counseling? It's surprising what a good counselor can do. You say your girlfriend doesn't want you to be a woman, but why exactly? Maybe it's a legitimate concern? Or just fear of the unfamiliar? Maybe it would help if you both had a better understanding of each other's point of view.

[Kelly DeWinter]

"and it comes down to essentially I am really not wanting to continue living as a male, and she does not want to be with a woman."

I think you summed up what will happen. Salvage a good friendship if possible. When you have two people who are unwilling to compromise, it's hard to continue in a relationship.

I know you have been dealing with a lot, if i remember correctly she is bipolar. Between somone being Bipolar and someone wanting SRS, you both need support for whats comming up. Mayby a trial seperation until you both see whats to come.

Kelly

[Katesback]

Ya know something. I always wanted a big one ton dually truck! I ended up getting one. I also want it to get 40 miles to a gallon of gas. The simple fact is that the getting good MPG does not go hand in hand with a big ass truck!

Now for you.... you love your wife but your a girl. She married a man! You have some decisions to make and I promise that any one you make will bring pain and suffering!

Nobody here can help you to make that decision. Many TS people NEVER transition! Some do. Most every one that does ends up single.

Love might be powerful but for your wife it has to do with marrying a man. If you transition you are no longer a man now are you?

Katie

[Stephanie Anne]

If you bury your needs it will drive you nuts and her away. If you don't and she does not accept being with a woman, then it is not right for you to try and make her stay.

See a good therapist. Find a new one if the one you see is not helping. Be honest with the therapist.

Wanting HRT and to transition should never be a driving factor but an effect based on finding out you are really transgendered and are sure you need to transition.

Find yourself first then worry about transitioning.

My advise is to take this level of life change slow and make sure you are doing what is right for you, not others, and as bad as it sounds, not for your partner.

[Schatten Lupus]

I know you have been dealing with a lot, if i remember correctly she is bipolar. Between somone being Bipolar and someone wanting SRS, you both need support for whats comming up. Mayby a trial seperation until you both see whats to come.
She was diagnosed bi-polar, but I'm pretty sure she also had borderline personality disorder.

Now for you.... you love your wife but your a girl. She married a man! You have some decisions to make and I promise that any one you make will bring pain and suffering!

We are engaged, but not married. I actually came out to her before we were engaged.


I think you summed up what will happen. Salvage a good friendship if possible. When you have two people who are unwilling to compromise, it's hard to continue in a relationship.
This is what I thought would probably be best, if we were friends. I just don't know really how to break it to her, especially knowing that either path is going to hurt.

[mapletree]

i am myslef am still trying to figure lots of pieces in my life

and i remember in my first divorce that a therapist said to me

it good to care its good to have feelings
it good to listen
and so on....

but there are times in life where one has to ask what is good for me and how is one to keep looking after oneslelf in healthy ways becasue when you are together then life will balance out

i don't always do this as well as i would like but as I get older ireally try to listen and fiure out what i need and trut that everythng will work out

good luck

[Hope]

Actual love is unconditional and IS able to overcome something like this, and has very little to do with anatomy. Does she love you, or your penis? Or neither?

Yeah - lots of friendships, relationships, and marriages end due to transition. Lots of them aren't worth saving anyway.

[boardpuppy]

Salvage a good relationship with your GF or live in some sort of pain for not becoming who you want to be. The wholle things hings on couceling for yourself and then together. The best of both worlds is to find a comprimise that will work for both of you. The best of luck to you, no matter what you deside.

Hugs,
Alice

[kellycan27]

Actual love is unconditional and IS able to overcome something like this, and has very little to do with anatomy. Does she love you, or your penis? Or neither?

Yeah - lots of friendships, relationships, and marriages end due to transition. Lots of them aren't worth saving anyway.

Funny that in a lot of these SO acceptance threads it seems like it's the wife that needs to make the adjustments. :strugglin

[Traci Elizabeth]

Actual love is unconditional and IS able to overcome something like this, and has very little to do with anatomy. Does she love you, or your penis? Or neither?

Yeah - lots of friendships, relationships, and marriages end due to transition. Lots of them aren't worth saving anyway.


I have to agree with both of these points. They are right on. There are a lot of supporting wives and the marriage can even grow deeper from transition in some cases.

If you really love her and she you, you both should be able to sit down together openly, honestly, and lovingly and talk through all the issues and concerns. If that is not successful then counseling would be worth a serious try.

I wish you the best and hope that you both come to a happy conclusion.

[lizlizzie]

The wife does seem to be the one making the adjustments. For a long time I heard, if you love me . . ., what about him loving me? I think in general woman are more able to make sacrafices and adjustments, or mayby it's the fact that I am 50 and that is the way my generation was rasied, (I think it was an ingredient in breastmilk.)

I have made alot of adjustments for my MTF spouse this past year in order to have our marriage surivive because I love my spouse and I know she loves me. We lived apart, although she was here 3 nights a week. She started HRT in January. We finally reached the point where we both believe we can find a way for our marriage to work. But that included me saying this is what I need. Those needs included that she not have SRS. I acknowledged that I understand that for her own mental and physical health she may not be able to accept that condition. I also acknowledged that 15 years from now I may feel differently ( I am 50, she is 38) and that I am willing to re-examine my position but that it must be at my speed and comfort level. That while I wish I could give her a different answer, I have to be mentally and emotionally healthy too. She agreed to meet my need. I asked her why and her answer was that she is willing to accept it because she loves me and doesn't want to live her life without me and living happily in the present is more important than focusing on SRS that may or may not happen in the future. So I am not the only one to make adjustments after all. I do wonder if the hormones have contributed to this change.