A question for TS and their SO's

[kellycan27]

I am a M2F transsexual, and I consider myself to be a heterosexual woman. I am involved with a Heterosexual man, who before entering into a relationship with me never had the desire or thought of dating another guy or even someone like myself. Without going into a lot of detail suffice to say that we are now a couple.
There were things that we had to overcome and adjustments to be made in order that we be together. ( mostly on his side). For instance , although he liked the qualities that I possess, and found me to be very attractive he had a real difficult time wrapping his head around the concept of me actually being a transsexual male. I am not even talking about sex.. I would wish to keep the physical aspect for another discussion. This is more about the day to day living part of our relationship, and the roles that each of us play in that relationship. I know that he could clearly see the woman in me, but it didn't change the fact that we had the same plumbing ( for now lol). My question for you that find yourself in the same boat.... What sort adjustments did you have to make in order for it to work? As I mentioned earlier sex is one thing, but just part of the whole, and should be addressed in another thread or by pm if you'd care to.
Feel free to expand on the question also.. It's just a general discussion and I would love to hear your thoughts.

Kel

[Karen564]

I feel the same way as you Kelly, as far as feeling as a heterosexual Woman...
And maybe some day in the distant future, I will also come across a good man by chance that can look beyond my past gender the same as your loving hunk of a man does for you..

But let it be known, I'm really not looking to settle down quite yet until I can break-in the new equipment & stay a single woman after the Op for a spell 1st.... :heehee: lol

:hugs:

[Katesback]

Personally I think when it comes to dating men I would say the LEAST possible discussion about being TS the better.

If you are a woman then thats all that counts and there is not much reason to sit there talking to a guy about your past.

Ya had a birth defect and it will be fixed or has been fixed and thats about all I would tell a guy.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Kelly,

You are bringing up a very interesting point....its not like being transsexual means nothing to you. Feeling pressure at all times to internalize your transness from your partner is different that just feeling like the woman you know you are...it seems there will just need to be some distance..either you have to feel the distance, or he has to feel..(unless its just a match from heaven and he embraces you for being ts --but frankly i wonder whether that would work for us)

Sometimes i need to get my feelings out and having a partner is something i haven't experienced yet, but i can imagine that a guy really isnt gonna want to spend alot of time hugging me and empathizing with me over my past....we have family, friends experiences as a guy...i'm older and have many more of those than you, but guys are not going to be interested in hearing about male experiences, so what is there to share about the past??

i also worry about my social learning curve...my therapist said its like learning russian from scratch after 40 years..i'm socially trained as a guy...i still have feelings from that, i still react "male" at times...how long will it take to really be the woman in a hetero relationship?? i know guys differently than natal women do...i've been spying for years:heehee:

sorry i can only speculate, but i can give you a big hug and say that you seem to be very centered, warm and thoughtful about it, and in the end, it may be all you can do to make adjustments on the fly and let the chips fall...:hugs:

[Sheila]

Kelly, I find I am much more protective of Debs, less threatened by her than him (not that he would hurt me physically ever & I mean ever), but more because of a couple of complete a$$holes in my previous relationships, I tend to re-act quicker to certain situations than others & purely because of the maleness when she is him.

With Debs, it is very much a learning curve, because I am not Bi or a lesbian, so sharing my life on a daily basis with someone female romantically is different. As a Genetic female who was brought up to believe that I can do almost anything I set my mind to/want to do/achieve, I have never expected the male in my life to do the manly things (like change a plug (in the house or on the car :heehee:)), so doing things that are deemed "Male" areas in relationship are already being done as a natural part of who I am and also of our relationship in general :).

I do realise that as Debs becomes more comfortable with her fem side that their will be changes that will inevitably take place, and will have, or may bring about fundamental changes in our relationship that both of us may not foresee at the moment.

While the physical side of the relationship can/should be discussed in another thread, already changes are taking place there & for both of us, a work in progress as they say :heehee:

Thanks for bringing this up:hugs:

[Empress Lainie]

I am a transwoman, but think of myself as a bisexual woman now. Formerly lesbian woman. (Hormones?)

I live with another transwoman, but she is still I think in her personality,and mannerisms more of a guy than a woman, although I hate to say it.

I am all woman and live and work as if I were a gg.

As to roles in the household, I do all the cleaning, she sometimes cooks, but mostly we go out all at my expense.

She has some amazing talents and memory. But she is a die hard gamer. She seems to have no interest in sex or any one but me, and when out she is usually very reserved except with out two close gg friends.

On the other hand everyone speaks to me, even people I don't know. I must have charisma or something.

[kellycan27]

Personally I think when it comes to dating men I would say the LEAST possible discussion about being TS the better.

If you are a woman then thats all that counts and there is not much reason to sit there talking to a guy about your past.

Ya had a birth defect and it will be fixed or has been fixed and thats about all I would tell a guy.

I agree if dating a guy is what one is doing, but in the case of a LTR I for one believe that disclosure is important. I don' think I need to tell my whole life story, but questions do come up, and I try to be honest and up front when answering. I want to lay my cards on the table so that he has a clear understanding of who and what I am. What you see is what you get. If this is something that he can live with.... we're golden. And to be perfectly honest he doesn't want to know ALL of the details.
I don't feel obligated, it's just something that makes me more comfortable. I think that the honesty we shared in the beginning worked out well. He was very conflicked and was honest enough to let me know that he wasn't sure if it was something that he could deal with, so we took it very slowly and more or less re-assured one another along the way. I think that the honesty made for a stronger bond.

[kellycan27]

Hi Kelly,

You are bringing up a very interesting point....its not like being transsexual means nothing to you. Feeling pressure at all times to internalize your transness from your partner is different that just feeling like the woman you know you are...it seems there will just need to be some distance..either you have to feel the distance, or he has to feel..(unless its just a match from heaven and he embraces you for being ts --but frankly i wonder whether that would work for us)

Sometimes i need to get my feelings out and having a partner is something i haven't experienced yet, but i can imagine that a guy really isnt gonna want to spend alot of time hugging me and empathizing with me over my past....we have family, friends experiences as a guy...i'm older and have many more of those than you, but guys are not going to be interested in hearing about male experiences, so what is there to share about the past??

i also worry about my social learning curve...my therapist said its like learning russian from scratch after 40 years..i'm socially trained as a guy...i still have feelings from that, i still react "male" at times...how long will it take to really be the woman in a hetero relationship?? i know guys differently than natal women do...i've been spying for years:heehee:

sorry i can only speculate, but i can give you a big hug and say that you seem to be very centered, warm and thoughtful about it, and in the end, it may be all you can do to make adjustments on the fly and let the chips fall...:hugs:

I don't know about a match made in heaven, more like a work in progress. I am a transsexual for the purpose of this discussion, but as far as he is now concerned I am just a woman. In the beginning this was a major stumbling block for him and we were sort of on again off again. I was actually getting a little annoyed at him because he would suddenly back away, and I wouldn't hear from him for like a week or so. We ran into eachother at a company function and he wanted to "talk". I flat out told him that I am the same person who he had been flirting with and talking to for the past year.( I knew he liked me, i could tell by his words and actions)... so why not try and see where it goes...or not? Fish or cut bait!
I don't know about learning curves nor do I try and second guess what's on the horizon, it's a lot like the decision to come out or transition. I just
closed my eyes and took that "leap of faith". We are taking it one day at a time, and so far it's working out rather well. There's a song called "The Rose" by Bette Midler that pretty much sums it up.. Truer words were never spoken:)

Kel




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6_s0QIbI94

[Katesback]

I have a friend who met her husband before she had SRS. We had extensive talks about what it was like before she had SRS and how they worked around the situation. Today they are happily married for a number of years and all is well for them. I have a feeling she is an exception.

My own personal feelings... DONT DATE! (note this is for someone who is going to have SRS within a reasonable period of time after she begins transition). Transition it is a lonely time but also a good time for you to work on the person you are going to be. If you are working on who you are going to be, you are not likely ready or able to have a serious relationship with another person.

[Sheila]

Kate :eek: are we not all a work in progress from the day we first draw breath to the day we stop ? in MHO we never ever reach our full potential, as we grow we change and as we change we grow, change is inevitable in life, outside influences ensure that :straightface:

Do you not think it is possible for a couple to go through transitioning together, remain together and be just as strong together afterwards ?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Thnx for your words kelly..

i am paying attention... my behaviour is a "perfectionist depressive" (i made that up)...i make excuses for myself and avoid personal risks at almost any cost...by always winning and always being perfect I avoid the pain i tend to inflict on myself...

but as my self worth grows and I feel like I deserve to be happy, I'm beating myself up less and less...i'm curing myself.

being able to get out there and not apologize for what I am is learned behavior for me, and I'm still learning..
a good example of this is how i've avoided the risk of a failed relationship by avoiding relationships and making up a bunch of reasons why, when in fact all i am is scared shitless:heehee:

[kellycan27]

I have a friend who met her husband before she had SRS. We had extensive talks about what it was like before she had SRS and how they worked around the situation. Today they are happily married for a number of years and all is well for them. I have a feeling she is an exception.

My own personal feelings... DONT DATE! (note this is for someone who is going to have SRS within a reasonable period of time after she begins transition). Transition it is a lonely time but also a good time for you to work on the person you are going to be. If you are working on who you are going to be, you are not likely ready or able to have a serious relationship with another person.

I suppose it might have made things easier had I waited until after SRS, but the heart and the brain don't always see eye to eye. As far as transitioning, I have already done so and I am happy in my own skin. As I see it, SRS will just complete the package. My issues were not about the confusion of being a girl with the anatomy of a boy . I think I always knew this to be the case. My issues came from not having the where with all or the resources to make it happen.

[Katesback]

Kate :eek: are we not all a work in progress from the day we first draw breath to the day we stop ? in MHO we never ever reach our full potential, as we grow we change and as we change we grow, change is inevitable in life, outside influences ensure that :straightface:

Do you not think it is possible for a couple to go through transitioning together, remain together and be just as strong together afterwards ?



I did not say it was not possible to date or to maintain a relationship prior to SRS. What I did say is that pre srs (for a girl that has that in her plans in a reasonable time frame) is a time when someone is learning how to be who they are. It is a time to REALLY focus on who you are and also after SRS you start a whole new transition.

With soooooo many changes going on and development it is reasonable to say that adding a serious relationship to the mix is not the best choice for many.

Finally often relationships that are formed prior to SRS tend to fizzle out after. As I said a lot of changes take place after SRS.

Now for clarification I did not use difinitive statments such as ALL or NEVER, or Always. I am generalizing upon the a subset of ts people. Since many dont have SRS for a series of years I suppose dating would make sense.

[Sheila]

Kate I did not mean to offend you, I really didn't ........... I have a very vested interest in this, I really really do

[Katesback]

I suppose it might have made things easier had I waited until after SRS, but the heart and the brain don't always see eye to eye. As far as transitioning, I have already done so and I am happy in my own skin. As I see it, SRS will just complete the package. My issues were not about the confusion of being a girl with the anatomy of a boy . I think I always knew this to be the case. My issues came from not having the where with all or the resources to make it happen.

Kelly:

More power to you. If someone wants to date then thats fine with me. I just have seen FAR too many relationships fall appart after SRS.

Here is an example. Prior to SRS I would not have ever though I would date women! After SRS things changed and now I am dating a girl. Go figure.

[kellycan27]

Kelly:

More power to you. If someone wants to date then thats fine with me. I just have seen FAR too many relationships fall appart after SRS.

Here is an example. Prior to SRS I would not have ever though I would date women! After SRS things changed and now I am dating a girl. Go figure.

I have never had the desire to date a woman, and I don't see how having a vagina vs a penis would change that.Girls are nice, but I wouldn't want to marry one. My SO isn't the least bit interested in my boy bits.( and to be perfectly honest I wouldn't want him to be) This was a MAJOR concern in the beginning. He is just as excited about my upcoming SRS as I am..maybe even more so.

[Katesback]

I have never had the desire to date a woman, and I don't see how having a vagina vs a penis would change that.Girls are nice, but I wouldn't want to marry one. My SO isn't the least bit interested in my boy bits. This was a MAJOR concern in the beginning. He is just as excited about my upcoming SRS as I am..maybe even more so.

As I said most women that have SRS then start a new transition all over again. If you have not had SRS you certainly cannot know what I am saying. I personally did not know what a post opp girl meant when she approached me prior to SRS.....I do now.

Same applied to me when I had FFS. I had no real ideal how BIG a difference it was going to make on my life. It turns out that the changes were worth all the money and then some!

For the record DO NOT draw the conclusion that I am meaning to sound superior to anyone! I am not. I accept everyone as they are and really dont care what thier trans status is. I am only speaking on vast experience working with countless trans people. MY words reflect the average. Could you be an exception? Sure but then I could also win the lotto if I brough a ticket. I just dont like the odds so I dont buy a ticket!

Katie

[Karen564]

I did not say it was not possible to date or to maintain a relationship prior to SRS. What I did say is that pre srs (for a girl that has that in her plans in a reasonable time frame) is a time when someone is learning how to be who they are. It is a time to REALLY focus on who you are and also after SRS you start a whole new transition.

With soooooo many changes going on and development it is reasonable to say that adding a serious relationship to the mix is not the best choice for many.

Finally often relationships that are formed prior to SRS tend to fizzle out after. As I said a lot of changes take place after SRS.



I have to agree with you Kate here, because I've seen it happen many times over the years too..
Things do change after SRS, not only physically but mentally..
So I think she gave very solid advise about it (based on averages) ..and every girl here should seriously take this under consideration before getting their hearts broken or breaking their SO's heart if their involved in a relationship as a pre-op..

Many (but not all) that were in a serious relationship with men or women did change after SRS..sometimes it's the TS & sometimes, or the man, or the woman, or both at the same time..
Some men & women supported their TS SO to have the OP, and then after all said was done, realized it was a mistake to want her bits gone after all.... it's just the way it happens sometimes...
So yes, one never knows what will really happen until they cross that bridge...

As far as Kelly goes, I do believe that she & her SO have a very strong bond together and will both handle it well...

It certainly does take a giant leap of faith to venture into uncharted territory, but a rare few do seem to endure the journey well together as a couple..

But just like I said in my 1st post, I'm not looking to get involved in any long term relationship if I can help it, until I'm well past post-op because I know myself so much better now..or at least think I do...
:hugs:

[kellycan27]

For the record DO NOT draw the conclusion that I am meaning to sound superior to anyone! I am not. I accept everyone as they are and really dont care what thier trans status is. I am only speaking on vast experience working with countless trans people. MY words reflect the average. Could you be an exception? Sure but then I could also win the lotto if I brough a ticket. I just dont like the odds so I dont buy a ticket! Katie

For the record you do come off as being superior, and your sarcasm reflects just exactly that. From day one I might add. No worries though..I have been dealing with people like you from the start and so far they haven't been able to deter me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that others may have something that you wish to have but are unable? So the next best thing is to try and rain on their parade?

[CharleneT]

For the record you do come off as being superior, and your sarcasm reflects just exactly that. From day one I might add. No worries though..I have been dealing with people like you from the start and so far they haven't been able to deter me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that others may have something that you wish to have but are unable? So the next best thing is to try and rain on their parade?

Personally, I do not find Katie's post to sound superior or sarcastic in general. She doesn't seem to be raining on other's parades for the sake of some personal need. She is blunt, but honest and pretty strait forward. I value a lot of what she says.

I'm pre-op and alone, so I have little I can add to the discussion - other than to say being in the middle of transition I agree that a relationship would be very hard to handle/maintain. Many here say "I'm the same person, just a different gender ...." or the like ... me, I've found I'm a different person as well as a different gender. So a relationship, while I'm changing a lot ... tough. I will say that although different, I'm now a better person. A major yoke coming off your back will do that for ya !

Going thru this alone is the shits, literally. I feel very lonely, a lot, but in a way it is good. It is what it is, a change in life. I wish I had done this when I was younger for many reasons, but I didn't. So, fortunately, at my age, I can take the "alone" part.

Many that I know who are post-op do say that things have changed for them a lot. Whether it is a difference in their sexual outlook or not; life is very different after that surgery. Sure, it seems like it should just be another brick in the wall, but it seems that that particular brick is pretty big ;)

[kellycan27]

The intent of the OP was to get the thoughts of people who are ACTUALLY in a relationship like the one described. I am looking for the real low down from others who are living it, rather than just opinions, or speculation. So if you wouldn't mind induldging me by sticking to the OP , I would appriciate it kindly.
Thank you

Kel

[Faith_G]

a good example of this is how i've avoided the risk of a failed relationship by avoiding relationships and making up a bunch of reasons why, when in fact all i am is scared shitless:heehee:Aw, crap. Why do you have to post stuff that makes me examine my own behavior closely? :doh:

Thank you, Kaitlyn. I needed to read that. :hugs:

[GypsyKaren]

No one's saying nothing bad to anyone, so chill out.

GK