Pink Fog receds and Reality is setting In

[charlie]

My poor dear wife after of 10 years of marriage found out that I am a CDer 5 months ago. She now says that she saw signs of my feminine self, but never really put it together. She did not know why I was suddenly watching "Project Runway", "Who's the Next model", or reading her fashion magazines. The answer was that after 12 years of not dressing, the urge had returned big time! Well, she knows now and hates it. She knows that I dress when I go away for work in another state, but still hates it. She hates the idea of my dressing to the point that she will probably leave me if I can't stop. Can I stop? I don't know. I barely know myself. I see myself as not really all male and not really female either. I'm some sort of blend that presents both, but independently. For her part, she thought she was marrying a regular guy and we would be a happy couple for the rest of our lives. I still see us that way; but Charlie is making things difficult for her. Charlie is not "normal". I'm now a guy in a dress and she does, but does not want to engage in sex with a guy who wears dresses. She sees me in my regular guy clothes, but imagines me in a dress; even though she has never seen me dressed. I'm not sure where this is going to go. Do any of you have advice or a success story that will at least make me feel better? A loving wife is a rare and wonderful thing to lose because I'm dressing in woman's clothes.

[ReineD]

Over time I can't tell you how many similar threads I've posted in, always attempting to offer hope, encouragement, or perhaps suggest a solution.

But I'm coming to the conclusion that it just is what it is. Sadly. I think that fundamentally, if you and your wife see it as something that you "do", in other words if she still sees you as being and wanting to be a guy (and by extension her husband), she may have a better chance at coming to terms with it eventually. But if she feels in her heart that it is who you "are" and she feels that she is losing the man she knew, then it will be more difficult.

One of the issues is that the urge to express the inner femme keeps growing and the bars are constantly changing. From just wanting to dress privately at first, to perfecting a look such that a husband looks more and more femme even in guy mode (plucked eyebrows, pierced ears, long hair, long fingernails, smooth body, decreasing upper body musculature and strength, etc), to a growing obsession with fashion & jewelry for himself as opposed to prioritizing seeing his wife thus adorned, to going out in public, to eventually wanting to out him/(her)self at first to selected people in his/her life, and perhaps eventually to most everyone else. In short, not wanting to keep the femme expression private anymore. And then before you know it, the husband has become a woman to the wife and to the rest of the world, even if his life circumstances dictate that it should be part time for the time being, and even if he/she doesn't identify as a TS.

And this is not even mentioning the sexual fantasies that may (for some people) occasionally or more frequently come into play and that do exclude the wife.

The more a wife has difficulty with the scenario, the more strain it places on the marriage and the more the husband wants to retreat into her femme self. And if the wife is fully supportive, there will be little incentive to keep the bars from moving forward.

If a husband sees the CDing as being who she "is" I think that many wives can see the writing on the wall even before their husbands can and this is why they fight it so much. They want to hang on to their men and the marriage as they know it.

Some wives may be able to change along with their husbands, they may be able to stretch enough to be in a relationship with another woman (or a near-woman if the husband identifies as bi-gendered, dual-gendered, or even a CD). But if the wife can't do this, she is not to blame. She is simply not wired to feel romantic about another woman.

It is a difficult situation for all concerned and it takes a great deal of love and commitment in order to withstand all the changes, whichever way they may go. :sad:

Edited to add:

I just want to add that it's not just the wife who needs to stretch. The husband does too, by trying to realize sooner, rather than later, what direction he is going in and carefully weighing all the positives and the negatives.

There is no doubt that the CDing is a fundamental need and it cannot be ignored. But my impression is that CDs may look at the journey as a fun and fairly harmless one, without necessarily taking a long, hard look at the reality of reaching their "ideal"; an ideal that to them may seem somewhat nebulous or far-reaching during the course of their journeys, but that nevertheless is accomplished through a series of the changes as outlined above. These changes might seem so subtle to the CDer that he does not notice their full strength and impact on his family and the people around him. So there can be resentment or unhappiness if his wife does notice their full impact and she perhaps has a firmer grasp (with the accompanying fear) of all the challenges that the couple will face with an ever increasing femme expression.

I'm not saying the couple cannot withstand these challenges, but they stand to suffer some losses in the process, depending on how far the husband takes the CDing, and of course depending on their individual circumstances. And since the wife is not the one who derives a direct benefit from the CDing, she is the one who will feel the losses most acutely.

I wish there was a simple solution for everyone. :hugs:

[AKAMichelle]

My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you married my wife's twin. I wish that I could help and have that magic answer for you, but I don't. My wife and I are heading for a divorce later this summer. We are splitting for the last time and working out all of the finanical stuff before we file for divorce. That way the divorce will be simple and allow us to get through it quickly.

[suchacutie]

My wife and I discovered Tina together one morning. My first time dressing was in lingerie (some of hers) and 6" platforms. My wife thought my legs were incredible and immediately insisted we buy Tina a dress to show them off (actually it ended up being an incredibly short skirt, but I digress).

What happened within 48 hours is what I hope can help you and your wife. Please feel free to show this to her if you wish:

My wife and I both are completely heterosexual, and have no interest in each other with Tina involved. Tina is completely and only my wife's girlfriend. We somehow quickly understood that Tina is a part of me, but the only way to determine who she is requires that she be a completely separate part. She has her own e-mail address, her own likes and dislikes, different books she reads, and on and on. Tina needed to learn what it is like to be a woman both emotionally and psychologically, so my wife is teaching her how it is to grow up as a girl with all the trials at clothing, makeup, hair, and even personality (including voice). We agree that Tina shares my data base (brain) but she acts upon it with a feminine touch and perspective, often having differing opinions on the same topic from my male self.

What does my wife get out of this? The first thing that happened was that Tina learned about emotions and how my wife perceives the world. We became considerably closer talking about her not wanting my male self to "solve every problem" but instead just talk out issues, even if no solution came to light. This process of learning more about my wife is now a body of knowledge we literally call...Tina. We talk about how Tina would do this or think about that. Of course there is the obvious of being able to share conversations about clothes and makeup. My wife is no longer ever "late" for anything because Tina knows just how long it takes her to get ready!

So, in short, Tina is a separate entity who we share: My alter ego and my wife's girlfriend. It does take work, but it has tremendous rewards of closeness and mental intimacy. We understand that Tina is part of me, and we want very much to know who she is. My wife finds all of this fascinating and silly and, I think, compelling. How much better can it be than to crawl into each other's heads at such a vulnerable level?

My best wishes go out to you and your wife.

Tina!

[Nicole Erin]

Well, talk things over, find a happy medium. Marriages do fall apart over these things, I know cause that was one of my wife's biggest problems. We had other non-tg related reasons but that was a big one, she dealt with it for years but finally got tired of it. Well, if I was not going out in public dressed she would not have cared.

Just find a medium.

[Brandi Wyne]

All I can say is "good luck" as my story has the sad end for the marriage. Love yourself and weigh out how much hurt would be there today if you disolved the relationship but didn't abandon your femme self vs lying, pretending, contending and living with so much friction and then eventually ending up in the same place. Not many relationships really survive, let alone prosper with the third person present.IMO

[Joann Smith]

Oh ...BTW ...its been 14 yrs and she still want to split up.... but I think she is soften up a bit. I know that she still carrys that first picture of Joann that I showed her in her purse....and sometimes she slips and reminds about things that a woman should not do...

My point.. is that a good woman is worth fighting to keep....that is if you really are still in love with her...do not be so quick to call it over or let her call it done....Alot of woman want to see how just much fight you got in you when it comes down keeping her..So go ahead and battle with her to stay together... My advice is let her vent..at the same time you show her and tell her exactally how much you are in love with her at the same time do what you need to do to get her to learn about trans folk so she making desisions based on facts not bulls..t..

[kimdl93]

As others have said, your wife feels that the man she married is really someone else. This is a huge blow to the trust that is essential in a relationship. Who knows whether you can regain her trust, or whether she can bring herself to understand, let alone accept your cross dressing. The tools you have at your disposal are communication, patience and time.

the one thing I'd avoid is any comments on your part that might escalate the intensity of her anger. Do give her every opportunity to express her anger and vent, but if/when she says hurtful things, you have to resist the temptation to retaliate verbally. Bite your tongue, endure and if its too painful, just end the discussion with the offer to talk after you've both had a chance to calm down.

[StacyCD]

Some women will never accept and others are completely accepting. Most, however, are somewhere in between. There is no one-size fits all approach because people are unique. But, the two things that may help are communication and time. Since your SO has not walked out the door screaming and returned with divorce papers, you have a chance. Now try and talk to her and listen to her. Hopefully, you will be able to find a way for your alter ego to coexist together.

[ReineD]

I've just received a PM from a good friend asking me about my thoughts here and if I think that it is possible for a TS to put a cap on it for the sake of her marriage. I just wanted to clarify that my comments are not addressed to TSs, who of course need to live full time as themselves. :hugs:

EDIT
I've just received another very good PM, addressing the issue of a couple having lost trust in the marriage as the result of the husband feeling the need to hide the full extent of his CDing.

I just wanted to emphasize that I'm not advocating suppressing or hiding any desires. The whole difference lies in whether this is what the CDer "does", as opposed to what he or she "is". I was saying that a wife will more easily accept the CDing if it is what her husband "does", no matter how excellent his presentation or how frequent the outings. But if the CDer does identify as a woman, then it is more difficult for the wife since it will continue to grow, and the sooner they can come to terms with this, the better.

My initial statement, "it is what it is" would apply to a situation where a husband feels that it is who she "is", since perhaps the husband's and the wife's lives are headed in two different direction.

[DonnaT]

One thing that helped with my wife was discussing why we fell in love in the first place, and all the attributes that we liked/loved about each other.

Sometimes a reminder of these things helps.

[sissystephanie]

Having been a CD for a very long time, I can certainly understand your concerns. It is way too late for my main piece of advice, which is to tell your finance before you get married! I did and we had almost 50 years together, with Stephanie as an added attraction.

Reine and Tina have both given you excellent information. How you use is, of course, up to you. If you want to be a woman, you probably will lose your dear wife. If, on the other hand, you merely like to dress in feminine garments, you might be able to convince her that you are still the MAN she married. It is pretty much up tp you now!

[melissacd]

There is much sage advice here. I think that Reine summed things up very realistically.

My feeling, having gone down this path with someone who could not accept, is that if a person has set in their mind that this is just plain wrong and can no longer see you as a man then at minimum it will be a very long, painful and uphill struggle and in the end it may end anyway.

I tried for a decade to sort through this with my wife but one day realized that as much as you love someone and as much as they profess that they love you, it is sometimes not possible to get to a place where the relationship can ever function properly again. It was at the moment when I finally realized how deeply entrenched and immutable her ideas on gender were that I accepted that there was no further point in trying and knew it was time to part ways.

We have been separated over two years now and both of us are much happier in our lives.

There is no easy answer and getting there is quite a complex process full of soul searching.

I wish you all the best.

Melissa