More fem than I think I am

[CharleneCD]

Yesterday Bunny and I went to our first appointment with a psych Dr. who specializes in Transgender issues. We have been having some problems involving my dressing and her libido, that are beyond our ability to handle on our own. Bunny is begining to see me as fem even when I am drab.

I expected that we would mostly work on her problem for now, since I am pretty much comfortable with where I am at. Well it didnt happen like that. This gal seems to really know her stuff. She did work on Bunny's issue but also very much involved me and my feelings and appearence in it. It comes down to perceptions. Bunny has tended to see me as being fem about 90% of the time and I see it as more like 40-60%. The problem there is that I havn't been considering myself as dressed up fem unless it is the whole package. I tend to spend alot of time in a more androgynous mode. The Doc quickly pointed out all the feminine touches even showing in my drab appearence. She is thinking that I may be borderline TS, even though I have no desire to fully transition, or have any real disliking of my male side. The way she pointed it out to me, I can see that I am well beyond the average CD. I mean I already knew that, but I didn't really realize to what extent. Thinking about it, I can see that I have been pushing my general appearence towards being a very feminized male. I have just been enjoying my fem side and not paying attention what changes have been happening. So the next step is finding out exactly where on the transgender spectrum I am at, so we have a better basis to work on our other issues.

I will post more as we continue going to our appointments.

[Tristen Cox]

That actually sounds like where I'm at right now. Even in drab(which I hate that word) I prefer androgynous if anything other than fully fem. Nail care, fem features, hair free etc.., even noticing I walk and sit different than I used to naturally(I like it) I know I'm TS inside and I think it's showing outwordly now as well more and more. Fun isn't it though:D

[Mx Justina]

I was curious how you described your psych. Dr. interacting with both you and your wife.

I've always been of mind that the psychiatric community needs the CD community more than CDs need psychiatrists. I'm allways hearing hetero females complaint that what they do not sufficiently get from male spouses or boyfriends is sincere attention in long term relationships.

J.

[uknowhoo]

Interesting topic, I'm sure alot of us have similar situations. Shaving, doing our brows, growing our hair out when too warm for wigs, etc. certainly must have some impact on our drab appearance, and therefore our GG SO's perceptions of/reactions to us. Thanks, we'll look fwd to hearing more.
Hugs, Tammi

[Helana]

Hmmmmm........not sure I agree entirely. A TS is someone who believes that he should be a she, and is miserable continuing to live as a man, hating all aspects of maleness. You said that is not the case for you.

You are transgendered and have decided to incorporate feminine touches into your everyday life. That is a normal and rationale thing to do, it does not make you TS! You have developed an androgynous appearance which reflects your androgynous inner feelings. If you were TS you would desire to make a complete transformation and live full time. An androgynous appearance would be insufficient for you.

The doctor is correct in saying you have developed your TG lifestyle beyond the average CD but she is far too quick with the labeling. But that fact in itself is largely meaningless because most CDs would go alot further than they actually do if they lived in a bigot-free world. If given a free choice many would be living your current lifestyle. Just because you have been brave enough and have the opportunity to develop an androgynous appearance may not actually mean you are any further along the TG spectrum than the average CD at all.

I have been reading psychology's theories about CDing since the 1980s and quite frankly they have made a mess of the whole subject, most of their theories have been wide of the mark and largely discredited. The whole TG debate is still rapidly evolving and even today there is only a partial understanding of what it all means. In truth there are no "experts" out there.

It is always good to ask questions about ourselves so any type of introspection is worthwile. Just be wary about believing doctors always know better. Unless your doctor is TG herself, she remains an outsider looking through a window speculating about what she sees.

[LindaTS]

I know there is some dissagreement in the definition of a TS or TG but I consider myself to be a non-op TS. I definitely want to live full time as a woman and that may actually come true. I can relate to Charlene and Tristen when you girls talk about how you sometimes act when in the guy mode. I know I do all of those things when I have to be a guy for a while. Sitting, walking (you should see my hips sway back and forth), how I carry my arms, and even talking. I have to be very careful about these things. It all just comes natural to me. I'd like to know what people think when they're walking behind me. Oh yes, I have a medical reason for not being able to have the surgery.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Well that's why it's the TG spectrum. CD and TS are convenient shorthand describing two major parts of the spectrum but the boundaries are much blurrier than just two ways of being. Much like most people aren't 100% straight or gay.

It sounds like your more in the region that Virgina Prince used to call a "transgenderist" -- before the term TG got broaden to include the whole spectrum. Prince meant it more to refer to someone who's living full-time as a MTF but with no interest in SRS, etc. But since you're spending much of your time in male mode, maybe a female-leaning androgynous might be a better description.

I guess the difference depends on what you'd do if you could do whatever you wanted. A true androgynous would probably walk the line between genders, or alternate among them. A transgenderist would prefer to spend most/all of their time en femme.

I agree with Helana that theories about CDing are a bit muddled. Part of the problem is that it takes a back-seat to trying to understand TSs, since transitioning is obviously a life-changing event and psychologists rightly want to make sure those interested in doing so aren't doing it for reasons they'll regret later.

OTOH, gender roles and society in general in the U.S. and other Western counties have changed so dramatically in the last 40-50 years that that's undoubtedly one reason theory is having trouble keeping up. Just think about it, with the Internet it's really easy for a young CD to realize he's not the only one in the world who feels this way. And with the metrosexual revolution it's possible to satisfy some of the sensual/looking good aspects of CDing without putting on a dress. It'll be interesting to see how this all plays out.

[Wendy me]

i have been to the therepest too sometimes it helpes to sort things out .....the one thing that my therepest told me that gave some comfet is he said "theirs more right with you than is wrong with you"......

[CharleneCD]

Helana, I dont think she is trying to label me as something I am not. I have been making many changes and I wasnt seeing the whole effect. After she pointed it out I was able to take a more objective look at what my appearanc was showing. Also she wants to spend some time finding exactly where I am at on the spectrum. I am supposed to find and start eading a book called True Selves, and see what I identify with. Ultimately I am not really concerned with what title she wants to put on me, but I understand it will help her decide how to deal with me and Bunny as a couple.As for truely understanding us, I do see your point but she does sit on a board of a local TG group and is very involved with helping our community. Personaly for just me I would prefer another TG, but for the sake of us as a couple, me and bunny need someone like her.

Darla, Given the choice I would probobly push towards the transgenderist state. But then again I am still so new to this that how can I really be sure what I want. I do spend alot more time drab than I like due to concern for my wife. Maybe I need that to keep myself in perspective while I am developing. Otherwise I would be very much like the kid in the candy store. Also I am finding that it is not such a burden to be drab, because the fem touches that are always there, (manicure, hot pink toenails, earings...) are enough to give me enough of a fem feeling to be comfortable with. So with that, is it truely drab when I still have enough to feel fem, or is it just a blind I am showing to society.

Tammi, You hit the nail right on the head. That is one of the main things we are going to work on.

I have so much to learn and explore. Thank you all for your comments. Even if I may not agree with what you say, I take the time to think about it. Also if enough people tell me I am nuts, I might want to see if I have a hard shell. I can easily be blinded by my own thinking.

[Holly]

Charlene, just keep on doing what you're doing, honey. I, for one, think that it's very special that you are doing all these things to make sure Bunny is comfortable... seeking outside help in understanding your state of mind, and even spending more time in drab in consideration of her feelings! To me, this speaks volumes to your state of mind... and it's a very feminine mind.

Also just want to say how much I appreciate you and Bunny being a part of our community. Thank-you both for being here.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Given the choice I would probobly push towards the transgenderist state. But then again I am still so new to this that how can I really be sure what I want. I do spend alot more time drab than I like due to concern for my wife. Maybe I need that to keep myself in perspective while I am developing. Otherwise I would be very much like the kid in the candy store. Also I am finding that it is not such a burden to be drab, because the fem touches that are always there, (manicure, hot pink toenails, earings...) are enough to give me enough of a fem feeling to be comfortable with. So with that, is it truely drab when I still have enough to feel fem, or is it just a blind I am showing to society.

Well I've heard TSs use the phrase "pink haze" to describe the kid in the candy store phase, where they're sure they want to transition NOW! I know you don't want to transition, but I think you're wise to be aware there might be an equivalent going on. Probably time will help you sort it all out.

As far as feeling femme while en homme, if you truly feel femme inside, it probably doesn't matter what you're wearing. Just as a GG in hiking boots, jeans and a t-shirt, still knows she's a woman. The femme touches are a plus, although you may want to just be sure you're conscious of what signals you're sending to avoid unwanted problems.