Coming to terms already comitted in marriage

[Amelia Bedelia]

Hello All,

I just have one question. Was it difficult coming to terms while you were married? My husband is just discovering himself and I feel I am doing him injustice by still being with him. I just can't get a grip on this issue and I am wondering if I love him and he loves me should I let him go so he can discover himself in a non judgemental way where people will support him and allow him to be who he wants to be.

I am really having trouble, and no where to turn. I just want to support him, however, I don't want to participate and we are having difficult agreeing to things. It is putting a lot of pressure on him and I don't want him becoming ashamed of himself if this is the way he was made.

If someone could get back to me with some words of wisdom that would be great. Thanks

Mimi

[Julie York]

It's a bit quiet right now, but lots of helpful people will be along shortly.
Don't worry. You're in good company.

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Amelia,

I am sorry that you are having a rough time with CDing.I have been married for 23 years,we have been together for 24 years.I have been a crossdresser for 47 years.It was only after joining this forum that I discovered that I am not a weirdo.I kept my dirty little secret,as I thought about it then,in the dark closet 47 years of denying what and who I was.I finally came out of the closet to my wife last February;I am one of the lucky ones,my wife realized that my CD was only a part of who I was.I was also still the man she married.None of that has changed,I love my wife and treat her like the gem she is;if anything I understand women more than a ordinary man can.I dress only in my office at home and I only wear panties under my other clothes,for me this is enough.I don't want to be a woman,I don't like guys and I have learned tolerance.
Is there room for compromise in your marrage?Can the two of you sit down and talk about rules?I assure you your husband is still the man he has always been;you just did'nt know about his dressing before.I hope this can help somewhat.

[Dixie Darling]

Amelia,

As a matter of information, you're not the first wife to find yourself married to a crossdresser. I don't know how long you've been married, but I'm under the impression that you didn't find out until after you tied the knot.

Apparently you are interestied in learning about crossdressing ir you wouldn't have posted a message here. I also sense that you don't want to "let him go so he can discover himself". For that, I applaude your efforts to research things before you made any snap decisions or formed any opinions.

The average number of male crossdressers has been stated to be anywhere between 1% and 20% of the population (we're talking world wide here - not JUST the U.S.) with 10% being accepted as a more accurate figure. So you can see that you're not alone.

You said:

"I just want to support him, however, I don't want to participate and we are having difficult agreeing to things. It is putting a lot of pressure on him and I don't want him becoming ashamed of himself if this is the way he was made."

You CAN support him without participating.. Simple open and honest conversation and frequent communication is the key to this support and you can pretty much bet that he WANTS to talk about it. From your post, you seem to believe that he has guilty or shameful feelings because he's a crossdresser. Please let him know that he has NOTHING to be ashamed of. God, in His wisdom, didn't make any two of us exactly alike and it just so happens that many of us turned out to be crossdressers. Your husband needs to understand that he didn't have a choice in the matter since most of us agree that this is something that we are born with. Medical science has yet to determine what causes a person to be a crossdresser, but more and more it is being proven that it's something that happens pre-birth. I could go into a lot of explainations about the "hormone wash" theory that seems to be the most accurate as to the cause, but you can read more about that as well as a lot of other down-to-earth information here and on my web site. Please do take the time to pay it a visit and see if many of your questions are answered there. It's a "G" rated site so you need not worry about seeing anything embarrassing. I would also HIGHLY recommend that you have your husband visit it also since thre's a ton of information there that is applicable to both wives AND their husbands.

Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Katiegirl]

I am sorry you are having problems, unfortunetly many marriages do when the husband is found to be a crossdresser.

Both of you are going through a crisis now, you are both fearful of what is going to happen and this is putting a strain on the marraige and only your love for each other will get you through.

One thing you should understand about your husband is that he has no doubt kept this a close secret for many years and will no doubt find it very hard to talk about it. I expect you want to talk about it, but he may not be able to do so in the depths you want.

There have been 2 good posts that might help you

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12890

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12771

Could I also suggest you do a thread in the Female Talk GG section, where other GG can give advice.

Sorry I can't be of more help

:)

[Wendy me]

ok i not shure if this will helpe you but after raizing two boys after thay had grown and moved away on their own ..my wife and me went through what could be best described as a second childhood haveing fun partying and enjoying our time alone and haveing our home to ourselfes...then abought a month into this new found freedom she asks this "do you realy love me???" being honest i said for over 21 years ourlives ran around haveing kids every day something that involved our lives also included them ...i told her love you i am not even shure we realy know each outher ....lets be freinds and see where this all goes ..she was schocked even stunned but we took our time enjoying our new found lives and today i can say we are not as in love as when we got marryed we are more in love and countue to learn and grow together one small step at a time....i hope this helpes you some...

[FionaAlexis]

Hi Amelia,

I feel for your concern, confusion and your sense of urgency.

I’m not sure exactly what it is your husband is coming to terms with – the urge and need to cross dress, being gender dysphoric…or beyond that.

But the mere fact that you are on here posting means that you are keen to find out as much as you can. The level of support you can give and communication between you will be vastly improved the greater your knowledge and the more you are willing to talk about the condition in depth.

However you also need to re-assess exactly what is important to you. And what you want in a relationship. And what kind of partner you are prepared to live with. And be quite open about your concerns and feelings. And remind your husband that you have choices in this too.

I kind of sense that you want to do what is best for your husband but sometimes we really don’t know what we want and our sense and perspective go out the window at times – but it usually self corrects. I also feel that you really want to keep things together and that will probably be the outcome but I’m a firm believer in having a positive Plan B tucked away in the bottom shelf of my mind – to be dragged out when things become unworkable or intolerable.

Fiona xx

[Jenny Beth]

Hi Amelia,

No doubt this is difficult for you and since your husband is just discovering himself he does not have the answers you need. You seem to be already comminicating but have not found common ground. This is not something that can be resolved in a few weeks or months but the fact you want to support him speaks of how much you do love him. How all this will eventually play out depends on being open and attentive to each others feelings. I wish you luck in sorting all this out.

[Pip]

My husband is just discovering himself and I feel I am doing him injustice by still being with him. I just can't get a grip on this issue and I am wondering if I love him and he loves me should I let him go so he can discover himself in a non judgemental way where people will support him and allow him to be who he wants to be.

Not knowing how long or how strong your marriage is, my first response to this question would be no. My wife and I accidently discovered my enjoyment of crossdressing and are experimenting with it together. However, if I thought for a minute that it would men the end of my wonderful marriage I would be devistated. I do not want solitude to discover this. If my wife did not want to participate I would not dress as often, but rather pick times when I had the house to myself.

In our marriage, we are each others best friends. I could not imagine my life without her. If you truly do not want to be a part of this side of his personality, then hang on to the parts you do love and let him have some time with this when you are not home.

But the key to this working is open and honest communication.

Best of luck to both of you!

Pip

[Maude]

Hello All,

I just have one question. Was it difficult coming to terms while you were married? My husband is just discovering himself and I feel I am doing him injustice by still being with him. I just can't get a grip on this issue and I am wondering if I love him and he loves me should I let him go so he can discover himself in a non judgemental way where people will support him and allow him to be who he wants to be.

I am really having trouble, and no where to turn. I just want to support him, however, I don't want to participate and we are having difficult agreeing to things. It is putting a lot of pressure on him and I don't want him becoming ashamed of himself if this is the way he was made.

If someone could get back to me with some words of wisdom that would be great. Thanks

Mimi
hold on to him with as many hands as you have
he loves you to death
it is the most difficult thing you can imagine that he is going through !

[LaceLuvr's GG]

I want to start by saying congratulations on making your way here. You will soon find that you are not alone in your situation. I have read several posts on here about people that have been married for years when they find out. Some have been married for years and their SO still doesn't know. I know that you're going to be ok in this for one simple reason... you stated that you accept him. That's basically what most CD's want. They want to know that you can accept that part of him. I definately agree that the GG Forum would be a great place for you to go... you will definately find that you're not alone.

I'm very sure that not all GG's found out about their SO CDing and was thrilled about it. I'm one of the GG's that doesn't fall into this catagory, as I absolutely love my SO CDing. But it's something that's going to take time. Set yourself up in small stages. I definately agree that you should read Marla's thread, about getting it one day and then not the next.

I'd love to help you with this. If you need me please PM me, I'd like to help anyway I can.

Here for ya,

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Hi Amelia,

First off let me say you're not alone. There are many of us (both CDs and GGs) who care and are willing to help and/or just listen.

Others have already given some good general advice, but we could help more if we knew a little more about your situation. There's so many different situations, so it would helpful if we could know how old the two of you are (more or less), how long you've been married, do you have kids, and what your husband is discovering about himself. (Having an SO who wants to transition is a very different matter than one who just wants to appears as a woman from time-to-time.)

It's not uncommon when CDs come out to go through a "a kid in a candy store" phase initially after repressing that side of themselves. So sometimes they can want to go all out. But relationships involve compromises and your needs to be take into account to. (BTW, I really do appreciate that you care about not making him ashamed of who he is.) So if you don't feel comfortable participating, you shouldn't have to. You can be supportive in other ways. There are support groups and other venues where you SO can express himself, so maybe that's a way to reach a mutually acceptable situation.

Darla

[Amelia Bedelia]

Hello all,

Many thanks to all of you who responded to my post. We actually read them all together. My husband and I have been only married since 2003. His ex girlfriend, when I called her one day in 2002 said ' you do know he likes to dress in women's clothing - right?' When I confronted him he told me she was a liar and that it wasn't true. Since then, I have not thought about it once. Now that he has confessed, I question every move he makes. So we made a date night, just to get back to being us. Now, every Thursday night my husband's 5 year old son goes to visit with his mother and we have our "date night". For the last four date nights we have been doing nothing but having a nice dinner and talking about this whole thing. I agreed to give up the date night and go out with the girlfriends so he could have the house to himself. That hasn't happened yet.

I feel when I ask him 'if you weren't with me and you had no children would you want to be a woman?' the answer is "YES, DEFINITELY". To me, a logical thinker, I say (what are you doing with me? Go find yourself already) I mean if it were me and i knew this about myself I would want to figure it out and make a plan. I really think he might be scared to be assertive about it. Out of fear that he might be happier or that it might not be what he wants. Scared of change, you know what I mean???

At first for him it was a fetish, then it was something to release stress, then it was something he has done since childhood, now it is something he wants to find more about and the thoughts and conversations are there for him to really want to be a woman. Waking up in the morning from a dream convinced he has breasts. This scares me and All I want to do is help him.

But now my question is, how can I help him? Doesn't he have to help himself and aren't I in his way when doing that? He wants me to shop with him...I hate shopping. I rarely shave my legs (very fine hair) and he hates the hair on his legs (very hairy man) - he used veet one morning before he went to work. I panicked thinking he shaved everything... and came to find out only the leg hair was gone. But when he does these types of things it hurts me so badly. Everytime there is something new - finding new women's clothing, seeing changes about him, catching a girlie magazine (nudies) in the bathroom mag rack, it makes me want to scream! I just get so mad. I want to help him but I just get so mad. I found out how to be a girl and doing girlie things all on my own. Watching soap operas and romantic movies. He wants me to teach him how to do this and I don't even know if I am doing it right myself.

Sorry this post was so long, I must be tired or something.

Thanks girls,
Mimi

[LaceLuvr's GG]

This definately seems like a very stressful situation that you are in. But you're right about one thing.. you can't help him.. he needs to help himself.

Has he told you that he wants you to be apart of it?? Has he expressed himself to not wanting you a part of it?? Like I said in my earlier post, it takes time to come to terms with something like this... some longer than others. The best way to help him is to communicate. Talk to him, ask him what it is that he expects of you when he does these things. Does he just want to be left alone?? Sounds to me that it's not the case. He wants you to go shopping with him, he obviously has no problem with you seeing it.

Let me share a personal story with you on that... I also hated shopping. I'm a MAJOR tom-boy.. and I hated having to go and buy clothes and stuff. But after my first trip with my CDSO.. I'm hooked. I love to shop with him. It's a great way for us to share that part of his life. Sometimes, it's the little things you do that can move a mountain. How would you feel about planning a nite with him dressed en femme.. sitting in front of the tv watching a chick flick??? Would it be something you're ok with?? If so.. why not give it a try. There are several GG's on here that express that their time with their CDSO is more like hanging out with a girlfriend. They have fun with it on that level.

There's so many things that you need to discuss with him. Don't give up too easy... if someone had asked me 6 months ago if I'd post stuff on this kind of site.. I would of told them they were crazy... look at me now!!!!

Here for ya if you need me ;)

[kathy gg]

HI Amelia,

The first thing I want to give you advice on is this

Slow Down....both of you!

It sounds like he is already overstepping boundaries that are making you uncomfortable and you are thinking the only way to make him happy is to let him go become a woman. If he just shaved his legs for the first time, any plans of 'becoming' a woman are not going to happen in the next few months.

Okay, now that I got that out, let me say that I did know my hubby was a cd from day one, so there was no surprise for me...BUT what I do understand is the confusion, the feeling of betrayal, the overall sense of WHF! So, first :hugs:

Also to just go 'off-topic' a bit I want to say that there are pros and cons to being a married person in 2005. Back in the old days people stayed married for the kids, because being divorced was this really bad thing that bad people did, they stayed married because it was expected. Cut to now a days where people get married and divorced like it is trading a car or selling a house, people call it quits becuase things become to hard and leaving is an easier route. So, I am all for if two people no longer truly love each other or decide that they are happier apart then by all means, divorce is a thing that can happen without all that bad guilt and shame from the old days. But divorcing just because you hit a few bumbs in the road is not reason to divorce.

I like the sound of your date nights. I think this is going to give you both quality time to really sit down and talk about what each of you expects or wants. We all have expectations when we marry. Sometimes our expectations grow and change and that is how you should aproach this *IF* you want to make your marriage work. If you truly do not feel love for this man or cannot see yourself feeling the love that might have been there a couple of years ago, then yes by all means set him free. But if you feel in your heart that you care for him and love him and you believe he loves you, there are many possiblities.

The first thing you need to get clear is you are not wanting the position of fashion consultant/make up artists/shopping buddy. You want to be his wife but you will not take part in things that you don't 'feel' right about. Let him know your non-participation is not a way of saying you dont' care or support or love him, but at this time that is not something you are emotionally able to provide. It is jsut not something you want to do. This is a boundary and they are subject to negotion at later times, you never know you may in time once you get past the newness of this info find you are capable of doing something. But don't make commitments or promises of thigns to come which you are feelin' right now..okay? Jsut think that may be in a few months or so you want to re-negotiate your stance. It may be the same, it just means you are going to keep 'checking in' with each other.

I am going to recomend a realy good book that you two need to order called "my husband betty" by helen boyd. She is the wife of a cd and this book will give you some insight in all this. Of course every relationship is different, but this is a good start for both of you to read from.

Also, at first alot of women get into what I call 'cd overdoes' and that just means that because he fianlly has someone to bare his soul to this crossdresing becomes the sole conversation topic night after night after night. And for you it becomes something that you will probbly keep gather info on and on and on on. get my point. Both of you are going to have a melt down if you dont' go do something non-cd related on one of these date nights. Go play mini golf or go to some local attraction. Do something that is not going to keep the conversation centered on only cding. Hell I like my hubbys cding but even I need activites and date nights that dont' involve talking about or doing it....so give yourself some breathing room as well.

You need to also know that all these feelings you are experiecing are completely NORMAL. Every woman goes through all these same questions and concerns and ups and downs and it might seem like a rollercoaster ride you did not sign up for, but that is okay. I cna tell you that even though you have said what you wrote about divorce and such, I think by you showing up here and asking questions, and just sharing your thoughts is a HUGE testament to how much you care about him. I have seen women who really want divorce and they usually dont' wind up on cd message boards asking for help. They distance themsevels from everything regarding this subject and that is the end of it. So I perosanlly am not getting this vibe that you are going to wind up in divorce court any time soon.

I really wish your guy would consider either reading this message board, making some contact with other married cds and basically just learning about himself and how to do this in a way that will keep his sanity and his arrigae. Both are important and he can have BOTH. Having empathy for your feelings have to come first. Yes yes his feelings are important, but he already has had ___many years to get from point 'a' to point 'b' and he is sort of asking you to read his 1000 page novel in the equalivalent of 20 minutes and girl you can't do that. It will take you time to get to any comfort level and him rushing and shaving and god knows what else are not the ways to to go about spousal acceptance. Communication, conpromise and cuddles....the three c's live by them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs
kathy in canada


Hello all,

Many thanks to all of you who responded to my post. We actually read them all together. My husband and I have been only married since 2003. His ex girlfriend, when I called her one day in 2002 said ' you do know he likes to dress in women's clothing - right?' When I confronted him he told me she was a liar and that it wasn't true. Since then, I have not thought about it once. Now that he has confessed, I question every move he makes. So we made a date night, just to get back to being us. Now, every Thursday night my husband's 5 year old son goes to visit with his mother and we have our "date night". For the last four date nights we have been doing nothing but having a nice dinner and talking about this whole thing. I agreed to give up the date night and go out with the girlfriends so he could have the house to himself. That hasn't happened yet.

I feel when I ask him 'if you weren't with me and you had no children would you want to be a woman?' the answer is "YES, DEFINITELY". To me, a logical thinker, I say (what are you doing with me? Go find yourself already) I mean if it were me and i knew this about myself I would want to figure it out and make a plan. I really think he might be scared to be assertive about it. Out of fear that he might be happier or that it might not be what he wants. Scared of change, you know what I mean???

At first for him it was a fetish, then it was something to release stress, then it was something he has done since childhood, now it is something he wants to find more about and the thoughts and conversations are there for him to really want to be a woman. Waking up in the morning from a dream convinced he has breasts. This scares me and All I want to do is help him.

But now my question is, how can I help him? Doesn't he have to help himself and aren't I in his way when doing that? He wants me to shop with him...I hate shopping. I rarely shave my legs (very fine hair) and he hates the hair on his legs (very hairy man) - he used veet one morning before he went to work. I panicked thinking he shaved everything... and came to find out only the leg hair was gone. But when he does these types of things it hurts me so badly. Everytime there is something new - finding new women's clothing, seeing changes about him, catching a girlie magazine (nudies) in the bathroom mag rack, it makes me want to scream! I just get so mad. I want to help him but I just get so mad. I found out how to be a girl and doing girlie things all on my own. Watching soap operas and romantic movies. He wants me to teach him how to do this and I don't even know if I am doing it right myself.

Sorry this post was so long, I must be tired or something.

Thanks girls,
Mimi

[Fallen Angel]

i know that this must be very hard for you. and difficult to understand or even come to terms with and belive me when i say my heart goes out to the both of you my so has been understanding for along time 14 years on and off even when we werent together she still exepted the fact of me cross dressing i woudnt give up the ship just yet maybe you both can work out an agreement with each other give him his privet time to let him dress and be in what we call drab (regular street clothes) when your both together. thats what my so prefered for a while. it helped her to get use to the idea of me being" lafem" im not gay im straight to me this was for me to be in touch with another side of me. today she goes out with me while im dressed up and even has been known to raid my clothes as well. she has exepted me for what i am weve become a lot closer to each other we just dont have a relasion ship but were freinds to. as hard as this is try to work some thing out together you just may find a special part of your husband that you never knew. im always here if you want to talk.you can e-mail me privetly or you can talk to me on messenger as well you have freinds here if you want them luv and huggs angel xx

[AngGG]

I agree with both Lace and Kathy. They have given you some very good advice.

I found out about my dh 2.5 years ago, we will be married for 6 this Nov. It has not been an easy road but we are traveling it together. This means lots of talking, setting boundries, re-examining those same boundries as my comfort level grows and sharing good and bad. The book Kathy suggested is wonderful. It helped me understand alot but it also helped lead the way to some very good conversations. I think that communication is the most important thing you can do in any relationship. Not that it is easy, I still have my moments of thinking my dh can read my thoughts ;) but unless I tell him how I feel he won't know.

I think it is admirable that you want to help your dh explore and find what is right for him...just don't lose yourself in the process. You are a part of the relationship also and your needs are just as important as his.

AngGG

[Marla GG]

Hi Mimi,

You have gotten some really sound advice here and I don't have too much to add, except to say that I am sure your husband will have a much easier time "finding himself" with you by his side than he would alone. From your posts it is obvious that you love him, and he is going to need that love to anchor him as he figures this all out. You are not getting in the way! Your marriage is a much-needed source of stability to counter the confusion he is probably feeling. If you are thinking that he needs to go off and experience living as a woman in order to know what he wants from life, I'd say it's way too soon for that. There is a good chance that he is just in CD overdrive right now, meaning that after hiding it for so long, he has all these pent-up thoughts and desires that are finally surfacing and perhaps spiraling out of control. That is not a reliable indication of where he will end up down the road.



I feel when I ask him 'if you weren't with me and you had no children would you want to be a woman?' the answer is "YES, DEFINITELY". To me, a logical thinker, I say (what are you doing with me? Go find yourself already) I mean if it were me and i knew this about myself I would want to figure it out and make a plan....At first for him it was a fetish, then it was something to release stress, then it was something he has done since childhood, now it is something he wants to find more about and the thoughts and conversations are there for him to really want to be a woman. Waking up in the morning from a dream convinced he has breasts. This scares me and All I want to do is help him.

Honey, I would not worry too much about this just yet. Having fantasy thoughts about becoming a woman, dreaming about it, or talking about it, are very different from actually being ready to do it. I think many CDs have had the thought at one time or another that life would be so much better if they were female. But once they seriously consider all that they would have to go through to change their sex, and the reality that their current problems may just be replaced by different problems, they decide they are happy enough being a part-time girl. I obviously can't say what will happen with your husband, but I do feel it is too soon to be pushing him along the road to full-time womanhood.


he used veet one morning before he went to work. I panicked thinking he shaved everything... and came to find out only the leg hair was gone. But when he does these types of things it hurts me so badly. Everytime there is something new - finding new women's clothing, seeing changes about him, catching a girlie magazine (nudies) in the bathroom mag rack, it makes me want to scream! I just get so mad. I want to help him but I just get so mad.

Oh boy....he is really not helping himself, is he? The little surprises have got to stop and you to have got to communicate about the specifics of what you can and can't handle at this time. If there is going to be any hope for a happy compromise here, you have to be coming from a place of being comfortable and trusting that your needs and feelings are being considered. If he just goes on making unilateral decisions, it makes sense that you are not going to feel very supportive. It is okay to tell him that things are moving too fast for you and that you need time to adjust to the newness of it all. In a few months you may feel a lot better, especially if you continue to educate yourself and keep the lines of communication open between you. Let's hope he will read all these responses and realize that he needs to slow down and let you get used to this at your own pace.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

It sure sounds like a case of CD overdrive.

Amelia, if your husband is reading this, let me put on my guy hat for a moment for a little heart-to-heart with him: Dude, wake up! *smack upside the head* You're risking killing the goose that lays the golden eggs.

If you're going to be a part-time woman, be a gentleman about it. You weren't honest about your CDing when you married Amelia. And believe me, us other CDS can understand why. But that means you have to live with the consequences. One of those is that relationships involve compromises, from leaving the seat down to far more serious stuff. If you want to live the life of an unrestrained CD, you should've stayed single. And some of the stuff, you're doing is just plain stupid, CDing or no CDing. Leaving nudie mags in the bathroom... come 'on... How would you react if Amelia left Playgirl laying around.

The fact that you married Amelia instead of transitioning says something. I know far too little to say you aren't transgendered, but ya need to figure out what's really pent-up desire and the fantasies most of us have had from time to time vs. real gender identity issues.

And realize you've been dealing with your desire to dress for years. Amelia's had to go from 0 to 120 in seconds. Amelia loves you dearly -- otherwise she wouldn't be here, but she needs a breather. You need to slow down and give each of you a chance to figure out what's gonna work for the both of you.

BTW, if you want help with fashion and make-up we can help you, although admittedly the personal shopper bit is tougher.

[Stephenie]

Amelia,

I came out to my wife of 24yrs just a few months ago. It has not been easy for her as you well know. I'm sure that your husband is still very confused about him self but does need you to help balance things. You need to be asertive with him and tell him how you feel. Set boundries and make him respect them. I agree that compromise is nessacary but not just for you. He must compromise also. As long as you are married you both have responsabilities to each other. So talk and talk and talk some more. We will be glad to help and to listen to both of you. But rememberthat this is not an easy subject for him to talk about, that he is talking to you about it means that you are very specail to him and that he trust you above all others. :hugs:

[LaceLuvr]

lot's of good advice and just want to say that i'm sure you can talk to just about anyone here and definetly if you or your hubby wants to talk to someone in private me and my GG will be more than happy to help if we can or just listen if either of you want to vent or relieve some stress ok my yahoo id is listed and it's also my primary email account and my GG has posted a few responses in here already if you need her she's "LaceLuvr's GG" aka "Silk" (as some call her to relieve confusion)

anytime and always if you need someone to talk to or your husband does feel free to contact me or her you will find just about everyone willing to help I think as we all understand that these can be stressful and difficult situations but obviously since he is talking to you about it, and you are wanting to get advice on this subject than you are both too important to each other to just call it quits, just take it slow and communicate is the best advice I can give either of you

[satinpete]

be there for him help him dress and make it a wonderful feeling to have a lover to understand woman

[Katie Ashe]

...I don't want to participate... Let me put it this way, What is your reson for not Participating? He is the same person you knew 5 min before you knew. Now that he dresses differently doesn't change the person he is. Clothing doesn't make the person. I've had people try to tell me that colors are gender specfic. I don't think so... Are you breathing male or female air. When the cotton is picked to make jeans and dresses... what bush did it come from... male or female. The water out of the fountain is which sex? My point is, it may have upset you and make you scared. If he doesn't want to leave you, that's a good thing. He want to share a side of him that society say men can't have... rough and ruged is not the name of the game. Be with him if you love him. Grow together as a couple. Life can be as sweet as you want or as bitter as you can stand. There are many upside to his little secret: Not illegal, no harm is being done, you have a new friend, not perverted or gross, not breaking any religious grounds unless your Jewish, god still love you both the same... we all are born with nothing... and grow to like different things... and have different lives. marriage is about your ability to tolerate someone whom compliments your differences. one example is to build a house you need a painter,plumer,electrican,carpenter etc to make something whole. So in a long breath do you make him whole? Does he make you whole?

Food for though... which way did the train go?

[racquel]

I believe Darla's post needs to be re-read by your husband.I also believe your husband needs to come on the forum and share with the gurls about what is happening in her life and we will in all likelihood have experienced similar situations and will be able to help alleviate some of the excesses she is experiencing.
For you may i offer a great big hugg.We love ladies like you in our lives,willing to learn and grow. :thumbsup:

[susiej]

Amelia, and her SO,

You are so close to a fantastic resolution -- don't throw it all away in haste or pique.

Amelia, you have the undying love and gratitude from hundreds of us for taking the time to work it out, and for caring. He's still the guy you loved last week; the best thing you can do for him is not at all to set him free. Rather, it's to grab him, love him and never let him go.

Amelia's husband -- puleeeeze, you are at the very doorstep of Nirvana. Amelia wants to understand. If you'll just take the time to grok what her boundaries are, and live within them, you'll BE THERE. You'll be the envy of the vast majority of us, who'll never have an SO who knows, much less has a grip.

Give it some time. Go easy. Love each other. That's all there is to it!

Hugs,
Susie

[Ellaine]

[QUOTE=Amelia Bedelia

If someone could get back to me with some words of wisdom that would be great. Thanks

Mimi[/QUOTE]


Hi Amelia hon....So much to consider, so little to go on ;)

It's hardly likeley that anyone including me, is going to come along and offer an end to your troubles.

You have shown considerable care and love to unload this here, and you deserve a big hug for that lol
I'm happy to pm with you, and try help you get to the bottom of the problem. I've 30+ yrs of marriage to my credit so perhaps I can listen enough to help you sort it out a little better.

Hugs Ellaine. :)

[Amelia Bedelia]

I have to say, when I was a teenager I wish there was a forum for me to come to when I had a sad day. You all have lifted me in so many ways. Hubby has not read all of these yet. We took a break from talking all the talk and had a weekend away from home. It was nice and seemed to be normal. However, when we went to the Renaissance Faire and he saw all the girls in their breast attire, he was a bit jealous and did nothing but talk of how he could get them himself. I think sometimes he does it for attention. I also wish there were times when I wasn't so nurturing and damned curious as to what his thought was. That way I wouldn't be crushed when the thought was something other than, 'gee that was a great weekend' instead it's 'how can I get breasts?'

I know, slow down and just be there for support. I tell myself that all the time.

I found out that on Monday, he threw out some of his bras and things. I was a little angry he did that. When he told me I told him 'you know you are going to want to wear them another day so just go get them out of the trash.' He did and felt better about doing it.

I know this is not going to go away and he feels like he is going nuts. He has no idea why he has these impulses to do this stuff. It will take him a long time to figure that out and hopefully these impulses don't get worse. Hopefully he is okay with wearing the clothes.

Well, it's 3am and I have to get some sleep before the kids wake up.

Thanks again girls!

All my best,
Mimi