I'm not out to the family, but my aunt just friended my Violet profile on Facebook!

[Violetgray]

I'll get to the point.

My facebook page is as Violet. On my lunchbreak at work today, (which I'm still on) I logged into my e-mail to find out that I have a facebook request from my aunt. Once again, I am NOT out to my family!

So... whaddaya think? She has a lot of comedians friended because her daughter is also a comic, but she knows that I juggle, and if she visits my gallery she'll see me juggling en femme.

Trying to decide what to do about this!

[Sheila]

Do you think she would be supportive ? .......... and if so then go for it :)

[kimdl93]

I'd friend her and see what happens. Something brought her there...maybe you're more Out than you thought!

[Freddy12]

Tough call. Are you close to her? If so, friending her would be the thing to do. You might also ask, through email if she has sent any friend requests out lately. Perhaps it would start a conversation. Be careful.

[Vicki-Z]

Hi Violet,

You don't say how your aunt discovered you as Violet on facebook. She must of found you through some friend you have in common and obviously that friend must know your identity as Violet.

Anyways your aunt must have suspected. You are the best one to judge whether to accept your aunt's friend request or not since you know her.

I can only say if I was in your shoes and if I thought she was open minded and would be supportive I don't think I would accept her request just yet. I don't think it is the best way for her to find out more about Violet. Instead I would get together with her and talk to her first. If she is supportive and understanding then you might accept her request. Remember if your other family members don't know about Violet and if they are friends of your aunt on facebook then they will be able to see your profile photo if they check out her friends. This could be quite likely how your aunt found Violet. If your aunt isn't supportive then you are providing her access to Violet's photos that she can show your family. Facebook can be a good thing but it has ruin many lives.

All I can say is be careful on how you handle this. I truly hope your aunt is supportive and understanding. I know it would make a world of difference to you to have a family member you can be yourself with.


Vicki :hugs:

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

I had a similar situation though mine was a lot less ambiguous. When I came out, I posted pictures of myself dressed in skirts and even one en femme on facebook, and I forgot that one of my cousins was my friend on there, and sure enough she was one of the first people to comment on it. Luckily she and I have already bonded in being amongst the few progressives in our family and she was cool with it.

I think an email to her or a phone call with her might be a good course of action. Also, maybe just in general coming out to your family might be a good idea, because if you're performing as Violet on a regular basis they'll probably find out about it eventually anyway and wouldn't it be better if they heard it from you and not discovered it randomly?

[SherriePall]

Violet -- It could just be that she befriended everyone who was on someone else's page without really knowing who all she was befriending.

I have a social page which I started just because my pedicurist wanted me to befriend her. So far she is the only friend I have (by choice), but I have gotten a number of friend requests from politicians running for office, friends of my pedicurist, and others locally I have no clue who they are or why they would ask to be my friend.

I would let everyone on, but I have stored some pics of me in my gowns and dresses and don't want to risk someone connecting me with someone else (such as my pedicurist) who knows me.

So, what I am saying is, be very careful in deciding if your aunt can befriend you.

[DonnaT]

Talk to her, in person or on the phone.

Let her bring it up, if she knows. If she doesn't know you are Violet, then it won't come up, and you don't need to bring it up, unless you want to.

Thus, you won't have to friend her on facebook.

[Alberta_Pat]

It is possible that she is looking for "friends" to support her in one of he FaceBook games.

I have several hundred "friends" that have only one game in common.

[Rogina B]

Violet,As bold as you are,how can it be such a big deal to you? Any fall out from it,then it is part of your act...and you love to make them laugh.You are great,no matter your decision to answer your Aunt.:hugs:

[Kerigirl2009]

if you FRIEND her then you will get on her list of friends in common. SO if you do be ready to be completely out to everyone.

[linnea]

"Tough call. Are you close to her? If so, friending her would be the thing to do. You might also ask, through email if she has sent any friend requests out lately. Perhaps it would start a conversation. Be careful."

I think that this is good advice. How close you are with her would make a lot of difference to me.
Good luck.

[Tina2]

Does she have the email you registered your female account with? She might have been directed to friend it from her contacts.

[Midnight Skye]

Simple questions. Do you want to be outed among your family? And how did she find you? If she already knows then I'd say theres no harm in friending her (after all... if its your facebook as Violet... she must have stumbled on something). But you indeed are treading the line of outing yourself among your family. And whether this is something you want or not, is truly up to you.

[Christina Horton]

(sit rap) you be-friend her. You family see you have her in common and you are recomend to them. They look at you pic and say to themselfs " I know this person... But from where?" then it hits them. They now know who this women is. They either call you or be-friend you and ask WTF is going on. The excuse that it's a act like for your juggling they don't buy and get all upset. Months later. Your hole family knows now and they are pissed that YOU did not tell them and that they had to find out on the net. )

Now that is just a idea of what could happen. They may or may not SEE you in the pics they see but if your not out. As soon as you be-friend a family member you now out to the rest of you family and friends. So it's it's up to you. But like what has been said (call her and ask her what's up ". Do it how you think is best but just remember your out there now. It's just a matter of time till everyone you know , knows. Just be carfull.

[sissystephanie]

Other than my dear late wife, no one in my family ever knew about Stephanie. I told my 2 children early last year. Than late last year I was shopping in a local supermarket. I had purposely gone to one some distance from where I live because I was dressed enfemme. But of course with no wig and no makeup, as is now normal for me. To my surprise, my grandaughter, who works for the supermarket chain in management, was at that store doing some inventory work. She saw me, talked to me, and it wasn't long before the family knew it all! However it was fine, since they don't care what I wear.

You have already gooren some very advice about contacting your Aunt by phone or email. I say do it, and also think about telling the rest of your family!!

[Karren H]

You sure your Aunt is really a she, Violet?

[Joanne f]

There is only one way you are going to find out or live forever wondering :D

[MissKara]

If it were me, I would accept the friends request and see what happens. She may not even notice it's you :daydreaming: If you feel she may be able to handle the truth, then you may also want to have a talk with her and see if she still wants to be friends on facebook.

The other week I outed myself on facebook and told everyone about Kara. Since then, I am getting almost 5 friend requests a day from my friends who I honestly thought would be desgusted by the idea.... Shows how the times have changed :hugs:

Lots of Love,
Miss Kara

[t-girlxsophie]

With my wifes approval.I started a Facebook account recently,not with a face pic tho,was a bit Spooked when got friends request from my Wifes brother,but Nothing came of it thankfully.I guess its a risky venture in some ways.Best to be ultra careful

[eluuzion]

"Never give bullets to a person with a gun that has the potential to shoot you"


So, the problem is that you are holding a can full of gasoline and you are wondering if you should light a match?

Problems like these are why I would never be on Facebook.

You might consider removing self-identifying pics for awhile. If you start this fire, I will predict your entire family will know within 4 weeks.

Good Luck:thumbsup:

[marny]

If you want to be out go on facebook. if you don't, don't! A note to any twitters. read an article yesterday quoting 17 year olds who say twitter is for 'adults'. the kids don't touch it .just fyi. marny

[TS_Denice]

It's funny that all of us that CD have a need to want to show ourselves off to some extent. But in many cases we do not want to be recognized by friends or family. From looking at your picture, at first glance, I would not be able to tell that you are not a female. Do you think your Aunt can recognize you? If I were you it would startle me that she found me by chance. I would want to know if she knows it's me or not. I would not friend her unless I was ready for friends and family to find out. If yes then friend her. If no, then do not. However, I'd have to find out how she found your facebook page. I do not know how you find that out without exposing yourself.

[MissKara]

It's funny that all of us that CD have a need to want to show ourselves off to some extent.

That is very true, although I have to say: After the first time I went out as Kara, I decided to throw myself into the deep end and put my photos of Kara up :D Ever since then, things have been going swimmingly and I am enjoying every minute of it :love:

Lots of Love,
Miss Kara

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

It's funny that all of us that CD have a need to want to show ourselves off to some extent... I do not know how you find that out without exposing yourself.


I see your point, but, isn't Violet already exposing herself by having said facebook page to begin with, and even more so, by performing stand up comedy in live venues dressed as Violet?

So Violet, it's been almost a week since you posted this, what's the follow up?

[Lorileah]

I've seen the stand up, I know that Violet is funny and has great comedic timing and maybe someday she will be be on TV (at least on LOGO). The circle is small and there are people in that circle who know people in your other circle so someday it will come out. How about being PRO-active. You want to be on the circuit and anything that potentially can block you will derail that chance. You know show business is about luck and timing so don't do anything that will interfere with that. Friend her. Either she knows and wants to be your friend OR she doesn't but thinks you are funny.

Being proactive gives you control. Waiting to see what happens makes you a passenger on a Toyota with no breaks and a sticky accelerator

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

I have a Facebook account in my male name and I thought about having one in my femme name and even though I've been told I pass well, I wouldn't do it because I have relatives,friends and co workers as friends and I wouldn"t want to chance it. You never know what people can find out

Example: "That looks like P***,it could be his twin Sister"

5 seconds later: "OMG, That is P***! I would've never thought he was a crossdresser!".



Felicity :)

[Violetgray]

O.k. Ladies and Gentlewomen, here are the facts so far:

My relationship with my Aunt: I see her maybe once every 2 years. I just saw her about 3 months ago at my mom's 50th birthday party. I've always been fond of her, though she is CRAZY (think comedian Mo'Nique) Her daughter is a comedian, so she does have a lot of comedian friends on her Facebook, though her daughter and I are not friends on Facebook. Maybe Facebook just suggested me? Someone has suggested that maybe she doesn't know that I'm the male me. It's possible, but she does know that I do contact juggling, and if she visits my gallery she'll see me juggling en-femme and possibly figure it out.


How she found out: I'm pretty sure she doesn't have the e-mail that my facebook account was set up with. I know this because she sends all of her e-mail to my other, more primary email. I wonder if facebook just suggested her?

What I'm thinking: Two sides of me are at war here. On one side is the desire to be who I am freely, on the other side is my fear and the trepidation of being found out by my family. It really does seem to be the final milestone, because by now ALL of my friends, my co-workers and most of the comedy scene is aware. I realize that these are two conflicting emotions, and I did come to the realization that one day, something was going to have to give.

What I did: Hell, I friended her. We'll see what happens.

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

Good luck on befriending your Aunt. Who knows? Maybe it might turn out to be cool with both of you.



Felicity :)

[TS_Denice]

Good luck with your Aunt as a new friend. Of course, this could be good material for you as a comedian whether it goes well or goes very wrong. In fact, this could be hilarious as long as you do the jokes... and not your comedian cousin. :)

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

The circle is small and there are people in that circle who know people in your other circle so someday it will come out.

It's funny actually because before *I* came out onstage in *my* stand up act, I had been hesitant because I had this mental fear of the gossip spreading like wildfire amongst all the comics I know. Instead even after I've been doing the material onstage for almost a year now, and have pictures of myself posted on facebook, I still run into comics I know, who are my friends on facebook, who don't know I crossdress and I wind up re-outing myself on a regular basis. Turns out it was hardly worth gossiping about. Possibly because I took charge of it and made it a non-issue.

[victoriamwilliams1]

O.k. Ladies and Gentlewomen, here are the facts so far:

My relationship with my Aunt: I see her maybe once every 2 years. I just saw her about 3 months ago at my mom's 50th birthday party. I've always been fond of her, though she is CRAZY (think comedian Mo'Nique) Her daughter is a comedian, so she does have a lot of comedian friends on her Facebook, though her daughter and I are not friends on Facebook. Maybe Facebook just suggested me? Someone has suggested that maybe she doesn't know that I'm the male me. It's possible, but she does know that I do contact juggling, and if she visits my gallery she'll see me juggling en-femme and possibly figure it out.


How she found out: I'm pretty sure she doesn't have the e-mail that my facebook account was set up with. I know this because she sends all of her e-mail to my other, more primary email. I wonder if facebook just suggested her?

What I'm thinking: Two sides of me are at war here. On one side is the desire to be who I am freely, on the other side is my fear and the trepidation of being found out by my family. It really does seem to be the final milestone, because by now ALL of my friends, my co-workers and most of the comedy scene is aware. I realize that these are two conflicting emotions, and I did come to the realization that one day, something was going to have to give.

What I did: Hell, I friended her. We'll see what happens.

It will be ok:) I friended someone who is a well know TG/TS from a unknown show who happen to friends with another person from the show who I actually know personally and they do not know the femside of me so I did not worry because my facebook profile has a cartoon version of me.

[Nicole Erin]

Violet, you once showed us a male photo, and really your male and female personnas are not much different looking, I mean if your male side was some burrily construction guy it would be different and shocking but I kind of doubt they would notice anything different.

[Violetgray]

Violet, you once showed us a male photo, and really your male and female personnas are not much different looking, I mean if your male side was some burrily construction guy it would be different and shocking but I kind of doubt they would notice anything different.

hehe I'm not sure, but I think that's the best compliment I've had in a while!

[Danamtv]

I email them and ask what we have in common that we should be friends?

[notthereyet]

She must know or suspect something. You're so beautiful maybe this is a small step towards acceptance. Don't rush into your decision.

[victoriamwilliams1]

hehe I'm not sure, but I think that's the best compliment I've had in a while!

Well I think you and him look very different, your more of the cute sister to him. I was wondering how is it going with your aunt on Facebook? I did not want to write the question on your wall because it would not be appropriate.

[erickka]

It will be interesting to find out just where this will go. Please keep us posted!

[jennifer easton]

face book sucks, was on it 2 days and figured out this is not a good thing, one slip up and the whole world knows

[tammygirl79]

You know, this could be a blessing in disguise (no pun intended). If you have thought about eventually coming out to your family, this could be a subtle way of doing it. Accept her friend request and just see if she slowly starts to suspect that it's you. and then she may eventually say something to you...maybe as a joke at first like "you know, there is this girl in my fb friends you kind of reminds me of you"....or something like that. I think it could lessen the initial shock value of just coming out and telling your family point blank. It would be more of a gradual coming out. Then again, if you have no intensions on coming out to your family....then that's a different story. I hope this helped a little bit sweety...good luck :)

[AKAMichelle]

You might to help your Aunt connect the dots. Sounds like just an innocent befriending. I would terribly nervous too. I hope everything works out well for you.

[diane51]

Ok Violet, It's time for an update. Curious minds want to know. Any replies from your aunt?

[Rianna Humble]

I friended her. We'll see what happens.

I'm surprised that no-one suggested the first thing that I do with any new friend request, which is to visit the person's profile page and see if we have any friends in common.

You could still do that even now you have befriended her.

If I'm still not sure, I generally send a message along the lines

"I'm flattered by your friendship request, may I ask how you found me?"

I generally find that those two steps help me to decide whether to go ahead or not. It might also have cleared up the mystery of how your aunt came to send you a friend request.

BTW, I agree with the advice about talking to your aunt using a more traditional method (e.g. voice).

[Sarah_GG]

I think Facebook generates those requests by matching email addresses.

I would just ignore it or ask her on the phone unless you want to open that particular can of worms!

Of course, if she's sent you a personal message, then that's a different story.

[Tina2]

Facebook might use your IP address to help identify possible friends. They might have added you as a friend because Facebook suggested it.