cold alone and i ****in hate myself

[Myojine]

my stress lvl is up to here
^**** it all, i wanna die <---
| I hate everything
| Ive had enough
| Im so sick of this shit
| I hate all of you
| Why the drama
| Whatever they can shove it

I hate the way i look(somewhat) AS A GUY. i love my racial look, im the only one i know, IM EGYPTIAN BABY!!!!!!!! ****in love that <3 but i hate that imma a male. i hate it hate it hate it, oh my god why...
(im a US Citizen just so yall know)

i dont have insureance so i cant go see a therapist
i work my ass off at a job that i hate, and i dont make enough money to buy ANYTHING
i love the military but they have a legalized predjudice agaisnt transexuals/transgenders/lesbiens, so im torn completely in two by my desires(OMG how i wish to be that tough chick in uniform, who comes homes drops the boots and puts on her casual semi drab pleated skirt and t-shirt, and logs in to her Computer MMO Games/Xbox360.)
I love computer and video games and anime and yet i cant buy anything for them because i make squat at that shitty job.
Every time i try to get my drivers licence something ****s up and i cant get it so i cant drive a car, not like i can afford one anyways.
Im depressed as hell, and its effecting everything i do, work, in video games, in my personally relation ships OH WAIT I DONT HAVE ANY!
I wanna get my tattoos but again i have no money.
I cant get rid of these stupid flashback memories of being raped also being groped by my ex roomate... i get nervouse every time i see a plain white ford ranger missing a front licence plate now....
OH DID I TELL YOU I MOVED AGAIN
I painted my nails Hatsune Miku Green the otherday and i got so much shit for it stripped the paint off on my lunch break at work.
i hate it, im so sick of this
i cant see a therapist, i cant get things to help me, i cant be the girl i need to be, i cant paint my nails, i cant be happy, im alone, no one here cares.
And i read this last night: Nanas Everyday Life.
http://manga.clone-army.org/nana.php
a realy F-ed up little comic from an anime, that made me cry at the end(Warning dont read it if your emotianlly strung, anything elfen lied related will **** with your head drastically).

i hate this all, waht do i do, is there anything?
why do i ahve to take all this shit every god damn day. why cant i be one of those forunate people who get killed to young?
why am i to chicken shit to just do it myself...

[Sheila]

I am sorry you are feeling so alone and in so much pain right now :hugs:

Is there no one at all oyu can turn to to talk with, even if not about your Transness, but about all the other mess in you life right now

Sending you more :hugs:

[Schatten Lupus]

I would check at any near by Universities to see if they have a free clinic. I'm not sure about how Egypt does things, but here students working towards psychology degrees usually have to do internships, and a good number of universities have free, or cheap, clinics for the students to do there internships in. And they are supervised by actual psychologists.

[Karen564]

i hate this all, waht do i do, is there anything?


I'm sorry for your troubles...:hugs:

But, you can start with dropping the self pity & address your problems in a more mature manner, as an adult.

That's all I say at this point...

[christina marie]

Gawd girl, am so sorry to hear things are going so crappy for you right now. :sad: its awful hard to do sometimes, but when i get to feeling low,i try to cling onto the things i do have,and let go of the ones i dont till im feelin better. and you're not really totally alone,you still have us to talk to. as far as what to do,best thing i can say is make a list of the things that are chewing at you, and start picking them off one at a time, start with something small and easy, and work your way up to the harder stuff. you are the only one that can change your life. if you ever need someone to talk to, im on here every day,dont be shy.

[olga]

Myojine, I feel so sorry for you. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. But nothing can be so bleak that there’s not a glimmer of hope on the horizon, and you need to take the courage to look out for it!


… best thing i can say is make a list of the things that are chewing at you, and start picking them off one at a time, start with something small and easy, and work your way up to the harder stuff. …

Breaking it all down into its smallest pieces and taking on one at a time has been the most helpful advice I’ve ever gotten. Every time I get so overwhelmed by all the mess I try to call a timeout for myself and sort things into a “can change it now” and a “can’t change it now, but will deal with it later” list.

You have much more power to change things than you realize. Things WILL get better!


Love,
olga


ps. I bet your nails in Hatsune Miku Green look awesome!

[Myojine]

I would check at any near by Universities to see if they have a free clinic. I'm not sure about how Egypt does things, but here students working towards psychology degrees usually have to do internships, and a good number of universities have free, or cheap, clinics for the students to do there internships in. And they are supervised by actual psychologists.

my nationality is egyptian...
im an american soldier in the Virginia national guard(just to clear things up...)

[christina marie]

if you are here in the states, you should have a much easier time finding some counselling you can afford. there are others here who know more than i do,maybe they'll chime in, but i have heard that is not a good idea to go to millitary couneslors over our type of issues. let me see what i can find

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm here is a few to get you started,there are at least a dozen in Va. i am sure that if you check with them,at least a couple will work with you on their fees. there are also online resources listed.

[Billijo49504]

Go to the VA. They won't touch the gender thing, but maybe they can help with some of the other stuff...BJ:love:

[GypsyKaren]

I sent you my number, use it.

Karen

[Myojine]

I sent you my number, use it.

Karen

i dont have a phone...
as ive stated i have no money... at least not enough to afford anything other then what ive already got myself into.
i got an internet 3g card that i pay for...[thank god for addiction sometimes]

man i wish i had a phone... even with good credit i cant afford paying all these down payments and stupid phone stuff....



i put on this female voice thingy that veronika sent me...
i tried some of it... i dont have a tuner thing but it made me feel a little bit better. im just stuck here...


fortunately(as some of you knew of that situation) i moved out of my old roomates house. so im totally away from males now. makes me happier and i feel safer now...


...
is it true? 50% suicide rate?

[GypsyKaren]

Turn on your Yahoo IM, we can text that way.

[Myojine]

Turn on your Yahoo IM, we can text that way.

myojine@yahoo.com
always its on as long as im connected to the net its on.

[GypsyKaren]

I've been trying for awhile now,, no answer.

[Myojine]

I've been trying for awhile now,, no answer.

PM me yours ill see if i can add it.

[GypsyKaren]

Done.

[JulieP]

ok i can help you with a cell phone. go to safelink.com and apply for a free phone. you will also get 68 min free each month. it uses the tracfone phones and if you get some money to buy additional mins you can add them to the phone. i know this because that is what i have. once you register with the web site you'll have a phone in 2-3 days.

[Nicole Erin]

another option for a phone -
Family Dollar has prepaid cell for like 10 cents a minute.
A bit expensive by today's standards, but not Bs contracts or anything, and you replenish your minutes there at F.D.
Plus, the only way a prepaid could be more expensive than some fancy phone and plan is if you would use more than 700 minutes a month. (most unlimited plans cost about 70 per month)

Certainly not the fanciest option but anything is better than nothing, heck I do it...

Now with the gender thing - OK if you do not have kids or a wife, that is not a problem. It is SO much easier to transition when you don't have a wife and kid. That is unless you found a 100% supportive spouse (very rare)

Even now you can begin your transition, with little or no money.
Training voice is free, learning about fashion is free and clothes don't have to cost a fortune, learning about female mannerisms is free (yet confusing, learn from WOMEN, not TS/CD). It doesn't seem like much but these are parts of transition you will need, and voice is a BIG one, probably one of the biggest, and training it - it will cost some time, practice, discipline, but not a red cent.
The best things about beginning transition - many of the aspects you can hide from the world until you are ready to start with the physical aspects.

Right now you are in a rut, we have all been there, sometimes I curse the day I was born male :S.