Has your dressing caused you to shelter yourself?

[Paula W]

I have been doing a lot of thinking and come to a few realizations about myself that I never really paid much attention to.

I have always been a somewhat shy person, but never timid about meeting new people and making friends. Still to this day I can get along with just about anybody who is not a complete grump and I guess most people generally find they can easily get along with me as well.

I realized though that ever since I have been getting more and more serious about my dressing that I really have kept to myself alot and have really closed the door so to speak on most of my social life. I haven't really talked to friends that I used to keep in touch with constantly, I make up excuses to not go hang out and do stuff with my coworkers when they invite me to do something, and I can't even remember the last time I flirted with a cute girl.

I guess this was so gradual that I never noticed it but a comment from a friend about how I've transitioned into a hermit really got me thinking about it and I realized when I started dressing up more was when I started distancing myself from others. Anyone else here feel they have done the same?

[Lexine]

I've been using CDing as a means to "repair" some of the self-esteem issues I've had these past few months and the opposite has been true to me. When I started doing this, I've been going out more and socializing with friends and want them to say, "Oh. It's just Alex!" (hence, the username ;))

For example: Today, my friend Brandon hung out with me, and my friends Mark and Chris. Mark and Chris have hung out with me in girl mode before and this was Brandon's first time hanging out with girl mode Alex. After watching Iron Man 2 (i.e. the reason why we hung out today), I looked at Brandon and said, "See? That wasn't so bad! Not even a single strange look or stare at me!" and he nodded in agreement.

So nope... CDing hasn't really affected my social life. It has, in fact, rejuvenated it!

[Loni]

what is a social life??

been a loner most all of my life. i could go with out seeing another living person for a long time.

[suzy1]

Are you happy with your life as it is? If you are then that’s fine.
Don’t be led by the crowd. Just be you. I am a bit like that myself because of my C.D.ing, but I love my life.

SUZY

[eluuzion]

Nope, you are the only one. I would go see a shrink ASAP! :heehee:

Jus' kidd'n of course...

“Welcome to the CD equivalent of the “Witness Protection Program.”
“Just be patient. With a little practice, you too… will be able to construct believable stories and convincing lies without having to deal with that pesky problem of your pants catching on fire anymore. And if you order our program in the next 15 minutes…I’ll send you this beeeeeutiful set of steak knives…absolutely “FREE”, as my personal gift to you.”

I am confident in suggesting you are wrestling with the common insecurities and mental acrobatics of having to conceal behavior and desires that are not "socially" acceptable.

Our first instinct is the same as it was when we were kids..."Hide". The self-imposed withdrawal and isolation is also a defensive and protective strategy. It is "safer" to withdraw into isolation mode, than it is to "risk" the chance of mingling with others, where we may accidentally expose or reveal clues causing suspicion or curiosity by others.

When in the closet, seclusion is required to pursue the CD interest. When desires increase, the behavior/activity typically increases, which requires more time devoted to isolation. At some point, our friends may notice the isolation and “withdrawal” time. This produces more anxiety and "guilt" and the cycle gets deeper and more complex everyday that the issue remains unresolved.

And you thought programming a VCR was complicated…

We all wish that we could tell you that we can not relate to your position. But I would venture a guess that most on this forum related at some point in their life, and the rest probably still do.

Grab one of those life jackets over there, take any available seat on the raft and start paddling…Welcome Aboard… :love:

[Renelle]

I've never been known as a social butterfly, but yes, people are beginning to notice I'm not around like I used to be. Incorporating CDing into the rest of my life is a problem for me. It could take a long time to solve it.

[noeleena]

Hi.

That of cause would bring up the ? of what have you been like when not dressing & as a child how do you get on at work & say groups your members of, or as a male ,

I know as a child i was a loner did not get on with people some of the time .
& none of that had any thing to do with being trans, oh shy as well,

Now, a complete change around just all out being who i am & the details that come up are is it all pretend , no , just its im able to express my self in a way i never could before, & its nice being accepted for who you are.

...noeleena...

[Karren H]

Nope not at all...

[MissKara]

With Kara, it has actually done quite the oppisate. I have found that when I am Kara, I tend to be more out there, more confident. I used to have self esteem issues, but as Kara I have none of that. I feel more at peace/more comfortable with who I am as Kara than as Karl....

Lots of Love,
Miss Kara

[Tina B.]

Yes, I know what you mean, but then even as a child I was a loner, would rather curl up with a good book rather than play with the other kids. Now I am old enough no one gives it much thought, that I don't get out much, but the neighbors must wonder sometimes why they don't see me out much in the day time. Because I'm married I do get out some, you just can't keep the wife locked up, on her days off, so I do get out enough to keep from looking like a hermit. But if it wasn't for her, outside of the market and the mall, I probably would never be seen much.
Tina B.

[AKAMichelle]

Get out of the rut and start being a "YES MAN" or a "YES WOMAN" to all those opportunities that you have been passing up. The world is waiting for you.

P.S. I know how you feel because I went through that as well. So I changed the rules. I expanded the activities that I do en drab and added some for Michelle. That way I was never bored. :D

[Nicole Erin]

I never had this big social circle. I have always had at least a couple good friends though at any given time in life. I would rather have a couple close friends than several casual friends.

As reflected in some of my threads, I just worry about people judging me, I guess I get more pissed about the fact that I don't pass as a woman than about judgement.

[izzfan]

Hmmm.... I'd have to agree, I'm something of a reclusive person as it is and I reckon that this probably has to do with having to act like a guy in most social situations (its not a major conscious effort because I have had to do it for so long and it is practically second-nature, but it still feels like an act sometimes. Not to mention the fact that everyone expects me to act like a guy. I've also noticed that when I have to act like a guy, I just feel a lot angrier, awkward, cynical and nervous than I do when I can be female (I'm generally a lot more relaxed and cheerful en femme).

Also, I find that a large number of social situations (but not all) just make me feel awkward/nervous or slightly afraid. I often don't really feel truly comfortable unless I am alone or alone in a crowd (although this can feel awkward at parties etc..) - this holds true regardless of whether I look male or female. This probably explains why I always have to have an "excuse" on the rare occasions I go out en femme.

Fortunately, in guy mode I can sort of look slightly androgynous (long hair, black nail varnish etc...) but I dread to think of the day when I have to work somewhere where they expect me to "look like a man". It is too awful to contemplate.

Luckily, I am at present, in a situation where I can get a lot of time to myself (being a student) but I am worried about what will happen when my course finishes and I have to go home where I will have a lot less privacy (eg: only being able to dress very late at night) and the general atmosphere is much more conservative.

[sandra-leigh]

I am more outgoing and socialize more as a CD or TG, and many more people choose to interact with and get to know me.

On the other hand, I haven't gone out as much the last year-ish and am probably interacting less than ever with my friends "back home" (whom I moved away from 19 years ago). Various reasons, including depression creeping back up on me since the fall. I'm "hiding" less than ever (or, alternately, getting more and more careless), e.g., at work. Sometimes you just feel like you don't have much to say.

[Lynn Marie]

I'm trying to keep up my normal social life, but Lynne can be very demanding at times. Of course we don't socialize together, and try to divide our time as equally as possible.

[laura80]

I've been sheltered all my life, lonely, only had a few friends at a time.
Initially dressing kept me indoors and I wouldn't even go out as a male. Now I have a few who know about me and have seen me a few times, they are really accepting. I plan on heading out with them soon when dressed, but atm I'm struggling with fear of passing. I suppose I will have to at some point.

[erika130]

I've also had this behavior to an extent. I'm pretty shy as it is, and dressing has sometimes made me really just want to keep to myself. Since I'm not out, something like wanting to be alone to dress & not want to deal with anyone.
What I've done is that whenever these thoughts/behavior come up, I try to keep myself in check & realize they are no good.

[msniki48]

yes, I would say that cross dressing has changed my social circles.

i used to be in a band and was known locally by many..30 mile radius or so.

Plus i am in sales for 1/2 the state. So running into people is very probable.

i stopped playing in the band [ for other reasons] so i'm getting a little more annonimity over the past couple yrs...i was going to join some clubs...but ....i don't think so.. i want less people to know me not more.

I must protect my family from the scourge
of embarrasment.

like i have said in many other posts... i can be my own worst enemy, when it comes to moving forward.:o

[Sarah Doepner]

My social network has never been too big and I have tried to keep most of my contacts in place while making room in what used to be free time to develop new friendships that are CD based.

There have been some occasions when I have had to choose between activities and invent stories if I went with the CD activity rather than family or old friends. It doesn't happen often and since my CD outtings are so few and far between, it's not a problem for now. I am concerned for the future as I am leading more and more of a dual life. Something will eventually bring it to a head and I need to be ready for that. . . . Okay, I'm ready, now if I could get my wife to be ready I'd do it today. But that isn't going to happen so I'll be patient.

[Michaela42]

I have never been a very social person. I have always tended to keep to myself or the side lines. Actually, joining this group is about the most social thing I have done in quite a few years.:sad:

[SusieK]

At the risk of sounding like a broken record (what's one of those?), I've never been a very sociable person, I don't have friends outside my immediate family, and although I get on with a group of work colleagues I rarely have much to say. My level of closeted CDing has increased recently and CDing is on my mind a lot more. I have found that this means that socially I have even less to say, because although I don't think I'd mind people knowing on an abstract level about me being a CDer, it's not something I want to force the issue on. There are many casual chats for which any contribution that I would want to make would be CD related. A simple example would just be "do anything interesting this weekend?" and the only real alternatives are "no not really, it was fairly quiet, how about you?" or "yes I bought a lovely new skirt and wore it all evening". Either option is pretty much a conversation killer, but the first option wins every time.

Susie

[Soriya]

We all dress for different reasons. For me, at least when I started on my own around 11 or 12, I have learned that all the times I did since were during periods of dark and lonely times. I was trying, without knowing at the time, to connect to an acceptance that I felt from my mother when she dressed me really young. She always wanted a girl but didn't get one which was her reasons for doing so. That connection was lost when things got ugly around 9 and when I started again on my own, I had no memory of the past at the time and always wondered why i was doing it in the first place like most of us do. Now I know and it helps me to understand why things happened even if they weren't right and allows me now to be free to explore this side of me with no fear or worry.

XO

Soriya

[sherri52]

I have distanced myself in the past but as I get older I seem to be outing myself more and more. I have what seems to be a colection of GG friends that I go out with both dressed and not dressed.

[Veronica Lacey]

Agreed. My desires to dress have reduced my social circles and time out of the home over the years. While my wife of 10+ has known - and tolerated - my dressing she only accepts it so long as I do it alone. This arrangement means I dress pretty much any time my wife is out for more than a couple of hours. If she will be out for several hours after work I know that I can come home and immediately slip into all things feminine rather than shower and head out with some buddies.

While I am not Mr. Social anyways I do wish I could get out more even when times like these to dress are available. One recent plan is that I have begun underdressing with panties on some weekends and after work some days, occasionally even doing so when I run errands outside the home. I simply hope to satisfy the dressing portion in my mind just a little bit more so that I do not feel so compelled to dress every decent opportunity that arises. I guess the more I dress without concern the less of a big deal dressing becomes, for better and for worse. This may not work in the long run but I'm enjoying trying. :)

[jasmine57]

I'm a very outgoing person and until lately I've been very to myself as far as my dressing. But lately I've been very outgoing about my dressing although selective about who I come out to. In the last few months I've probably come out to about 10 different people. Every one has been accepting at first. Although some have changed their minds and decided that I need help. But for the most part things have gone well. But Still I shelter myself from being totally out to the world. I guess I still have reservations because things haven't always gone well but I'm getting closer every day.

[Dawn Andrews]

I have a beautiful girlfriend that I love spending time with. But I find myself at times happier to stay home and be Dawn. Perhaps because we work together and she has a very busy family life, that I often look to this reason to let Dawn out to make me feel better!

Dawn x

[sometimes_miss]

I have lots of trust issues with men, so I only have two male sometimes friends. And I'm not attracted to many women ( because fat is a strong sexual turn off for me), and knowing that those would probably want to date me and I wouldn't be able to sexually 'perform' with them, I avoid those too, because I tried being friends but those women are looking for mates and refuse to accept or get angry when I tell them I don't find them attractive or just want to be friends. The women who are sexually attractive, well, they aren't attracted to me, and aren't looking for male friends, so that leaves........no one. So I'm not necessarily sheltering myself, but it kind of winds up that way.

[AmandaM]

I've purposely let friends go. I have one male friend and a few female friends, usually my wife's friends. I don't want to be friends with guys. They won't understand me, and will just cut me off if they find out, so f##k guys. The only socializing I do is with women, and that's fine by me.