The Ugly Duckling

[msginaadoll]

I'm probably not alone, much of my life I've suffered from low esteem. I viewed myself and I think others saw me as the sereotypical nerd all through junior high and highschool. Compound that with problems dealing with a CD and not the best self worth. Fast forward to finally getting up the nerve to dress and get out. First seen in public wearing the cheapest drugstore makeup I could find and Salvation Army or costume store wigs. I remember my first experience at Gigis sitting in the corner of the bar afraid of my own shadow. I was too afraid to talk to anyone and felt completely like the ugly stepsister. Everyone looked so polished and I felt like I didnt belong. Well guess what my attitude carried over and noone really did talk to me. Quite a few more years, and with this forums help, the assitance of people like Janet and Linda(formerly of Janets Closet) I began to be more comfortable in my skin Got to a somewhat comfort level doing my makeup, felt a little better about my own sense of style, and maybe some more confident. Its been a weird trip because I have begun to notice that maybe I am not that hideous and at times can look cute-ish. What has become even more strange to me and somewhat an intoxicating feeling is that others accept me and even think I am attractive(at times). It is a weird feeling to be standing at the bar and realize that you are being checked out and not in a negative way. Recently I was asked for my number and even offered a drink. I am also realizing that I can fit in with the rest of the ladies out there and that there are some wonderful people out there. I am still to much of a nerd to be cool but it is great to be accepted for who u are. This is meant to be a little self deprecating and not meant as egotistical or full of myself. It is also not meant as a pity or oh you look wonderful post -though who doesnt like compliments. Its more about the long strange trip my life has taken and about the progress I have made on the superficial appearance level but more important on the inner level. Love to hear from others out there on the journey from nerd to .... whatever I and they are becoming.

[Sheila]

If ever you were that ugly duckling (which I sincerely doubt) you sure have turned into an elegant swan :)

[t-girlxsophie]

Your Transgendered and you look great so of course your Cool:)

[christina marie]

anyone can polish up the outside.when you learn to love yourself,beauty shines out from the inside!

[Barbara Dugan]

I can relate to your experience Gina, I feel the same way and I hope to take the same steps that you have taken..you are an inspiration for many of us:hugs:

[Persephone]

You really look great in your avatar, Gina!

I ran into an old friend at a high school reunion, and he taught me a wonderful lesson. Both of us had been social isolates in high school, and both of us had become successful in business and in our lives. At the reunion we watched a number of the former cheerleaders and football players as they grouped and re-enacted their high school glories. Unfortunately, for many of them, high school had been the high point of their lives.

With a smile, he turned to me and said, "Aren't you glad we were late bloomers?"

It is really all about moving forward, about life getting better, and how long it may take is less important than one day standing at the crest of the hill and saying, Wow! I'm here!"

It sounds like you're either there or getting very close, and that makes all the difference!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Karenmarie]

You are looking very pretty Gina. I tried and I tried and I looked
and I looked, but no where in the picture could I see an ugly
duck, just a very pretty young lady.


All happiness and fun times for you

Karen Marie

[Nicole Erin]

Gina - It can take a while to get over social things, believe me, I still go thru it. Not sure why *I* still worry about what dumb-ass hillbillies say but things can be tough to get over. With my outer look, well I need to improve but I am coming along, I don't feel it is bad, just needs some more work. Still have a lot of internal bitterness though.

Many people in this world are butt-heads. I think the trick is to find the good ones and not worry about the low-lives. I have a couple cool friends at school who can easily refresh my outlook on things.

Persephone - Excellent that you and your friend could enjoy a better life. So umm, was the football crowd fat and bald? The cheerleaders might have had a little more hips than what they once did, maybe some thunder thighs? :heehee: I can see your smile of content now...

[mykhelee]

It is always nice to get noticed, even if the guys noticing you are your age or better...after all, I am a woman of a certain age..we just shouldn't speak of it
Peace

[AKAMichelle]

I can truly relate. I changed careers years ago from one nerd career to another. I thought the second nerdy career wasn't as bad and then came Bill Gates who made all of us programmers the biggest nerds. So much for that decision.

I have been told many things about my looks over the years and most of it has been negative in the last 10 or so years. Now it has carried over to TG life. I still feel like a swan out of water. I still struggle with my image, but luckily it is a work in progress. Maybe someday soon I will begin to shine for the rest of the world to see.

[Katesback]

Your story brings back memories. I like you once upon a time considered myself a CD (I tried not to think about REALLY being TS). I grew up in Michigan and made those early trips to GiGis!!

I even had a makeover at Janet's place. Moving forward to today... a lot has happened. I am no longer that person that hides, I am more confident than I was before I transitioned, I am ME.

Thanks for the trip down memory lane!!!!

Katie

[carolinoakland]

And it all started when you realized that only you can give yourself permission to be happy.

[tricia_uktv]

Ha-ha,

Have a read of:

http://tricia-dale.blogspot.com/2008/05/ugly-duckling.html

All is good,

Hugs,

[Vickie_CDTV]

I always viewed myself as the ugly duckling, and still do (especially as a male.) Even today the idea that someone could actually find me physically attractive is just incomprehensible to me. I dress nicely when en femme, but finding me attractive I just can't imagine.

I was also quite a nerd in high school, and I wish I could say I ended up better than those who teased me and beat me up, but I really didn't. They went on to find good jobs, they get married, have families and other things I always wanted in life. I didn't even get the last laugh as others in my situation were able to :(

[msginaadoll]

Thanks for all the wonderful posts. I still am on that journey we call life. I have come to look at my nerdiness as something that is just a part of me and who I am. I like many others have longed to be one of those cool people but that's not really me. Im ever so grateful for those who have helped me out along the way - who have encouraged me,and still do , nagged me and pushed me out of my little comfort zone often kicking and screaming. Ive still got a long way to go but sometimes the the trip is the important thing. I dont think I will ever be a swan but a cute lil chubby penguin, somewhat awkward but always curious isnt to bad of a thing.

[Teri Jean]

Gina the other girls said as well as I could and if you are going to the Be-All convention this next month I would offer a drink also. We all have our history and baggage but the common thread is the help and care we give each other.

Hugs Teri

[Bree]

I can also relate to what you are saying Gina. Thank you for sharing your story. It is inspiring for those of us who have had similar self-esteem issues.

[sometimes_miss]

I don't know what it's like to be attractive, either as a guy or as a girl. Growing up with a birthmark on my face, missing a tooth, I sort of knew I wasn't going to be pretty either way. I focused on weight training, and grew up to be a big strong guy, with a xxxl size body. Still not pretty, but some girls are attracted to big bear size men, at least my ex wife was. Until she saw the bear in a dress, anyway. There used to be a cartoon called Peter Potomus, a hippo in a safari outfit. He had a girlfriend, a girl hippo in a tutu. That's still how I see myself when in a dress.

[erickka]

Gina, I can also relate to you. I have just begun to find my real self, and it is going to be a loooooong journey until I finally get there. All the girls on this forum certainly are a big help, and I treasure them all!

[alice clair]

Hi Gina
I think you are very pretty inside and out. Keep doing what you are doing. Have a fem day and keep up the good work.


Michelle

[Sara Jessica]

Gina, there are really a couple key themes you bring up....

1. Yes, women come in all different shapes, sizes and perceptions of attractiveness in how the world sees them. OK, I guess this applies to men as well but we're talking about women, right? And of course in our situations, just like any other woman, we all have things that we'd like to improve upon along with (hopefully) some traits that we actually might like a bit.

2. Persaphone mentioned "late bloomers". Isn't that what many of us are in here? Are we really any different than the awkward teenage girl finding her way around fashion, makeup and social situations (as in presentation to the world)? Well there are two important differences, I guess...we don't have their raging hormone issues and chances are good that our exploratory years are fast-forwarded into our 20's/30's or even our 40's and beyond.

But...you put it all together with experience, an inner radiance that someone else mentioned along with a dash of conifdence and wow, look what happens!!! Hopefully some of those self-esteemy issues fade into the background as we become more comfortable in being ourselves. Sounds like you've described such a journey. Becoming a swan takes time to nurture, very few of us can truly hit the ground running. Again, think of the teenage girl. It takes time. I think Neil Diamond says it quite well when he sings "Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon".

[Diane Elizabeth]

Gina- based on the commentsI would say you are not alone in your perception of yourself. I too, had a similar background. Haven't gotten anyone to buy me a drink at a bar yet, though. I didn't even qualify as a nerd in school. So, yes I am an ugly duckling turning into a swan (mentally).
Keep it up, we are all with you.

[Lexine]

Gina,

I never truly felt that I overcame my low self-esteem until fairly recently when I decided to express interest in CDing. I felt that in order to be confident of myself, I had to put myself in situations where I absolutely cannot have any control over. CDing was one such scenario since I know I cannot control people's outward attitudes towards me.

As I went out more en femme I felt that my confidence was growing and I began to really appreciate what it's done for me in my life in such a short span of time. True, there might have been other opportunities that I could have placed myself in, but CDing was one such thing that made finding my confidence a bit more fun and often times hilarious.

On the flip side, I think my confidence is making guys not want to approach me because of how intimidating I can be LOL.

[Marcella Camira]

Well, I am sorry you feel that way about yourself! You shouldn't there isn't much we can say to make you change your mind! You look good in your avatar. But, I always live life like this. You forget about the last corner you just totally messed up & look for the good line to the next corner. Forget about the last or it mess up the next corner bad. Look for the good lines. You have some, I can sense it your tone of writing. Focus on good aspects, aspire to make them better. Don't waste your time on the bad. Cause it , is just that a waste of time. Just Focus. Totally on the good. And everything will turn out just great. And if it don't, atleast you'll look good doing it!
Hugs ~Jett~

[carrie-ann]

Gina congratulation you have taken a big step to being you. The more you go out the more conference you'll have. Also with that comes the inner strength that comes with it. I went 247 a little over a year ago. My confidence gets better all the time. I get complements more and more. Witch in turns gives me more and more confidence. So it all builds up as you progress. So keep at it. You'll be great. By the way you look great too.