Did your SO/GG get all "Stepford Wife" on you?

[Miss Tanya]

Okay, so my wife caught me six months ago, and we are still working out the whole CDing thing. But before she found out I was a CDer, she was a jeans and tee shirt kind of gal. She liked telling dirty jokes, burping, swearing like a truck driver, and focusing on her career. And I LOVE that about her. Unlike me, she's NEVER been afraid to be herself.

But since the CDing thing, she's been transforming. She cooks now (I didn't know if she knew where the kitchen was), she wears make up every day and curls her hair, she's cleaning more, and dressing far more femme.

Has this happened to anyone else? If so, did it revert back - because I kind of miss the burping, sloppy chick I married. Hypocritical, I know...

[Kate Simmons]

I dunno, sounds good to me Tanya.:)

[Sheila]

yup sometimes we do that, and sometimes we end up thinking WTF and reverting back to us ............ has she had a chance to chat with other SO's about how she feels and if not, could you let her know about the FAb forum here, where she can come talk with us GG's :)

[BRANDYJ]

I can't say it ever happened to me. For the past 40 years every SO knew from day one that I was a CD and we never had any issues over it.

It sounds like she might be afraid that your CDing will cause you to lose interest in her, or replace her as a priority. She may feel insecure. You need to work on telling her how sexy she is, how much you love her and how much you appreciate her. Something many forget to do and just take things for granted. ( CD or not)
She may think that the more feminine she becomes in dress and doing common womanly things for you, that you will give up the CD thing and focus on her.

You need to help her understand that the CD issue will never change your love for her. Do all you can to make her feel good about herself and make her feel sexy and good about her own femininity.

I wish you luck and hope things remain good for the both of you. When we are in a committed relationship, the CD issue is not about you anymore, it';s about he both of you.



Okay, so my wife caught me six months ago, and we are still working out the whole CDing thing. But before she found out I was a CDer, she was a jeans and tee shirt kind of gal. She liked telling dirty jokes, burping, swearing like a truck driver, and focusing on her career. And I LOVE that about her. Unlike me, she's NEVER been afraid to be herself.

But since the CDing thing, she's been transforming. She cooks now (I didn't know if she knew where the kitchen was), she wears make up every day and curls her hair, she's cleaning more, and dressing far more femme.

Has this happened to anyone else? If so, did it revert back - because I kind of miss the burping, sloppy chick I married. Hypocritical, I know...

[Chari]

Great advice from previous posts! IMO, each of us should be comfortable and confident in who we are, regardless of the outside packaging. Throughout life, we may get bored with the sameo-sameo routine and venture out beyond our "safe" zone, to make choices for that moment that could give us a new perspective of who we are or want to be. Communicating is a big part of learning/knowing more about each other, but it has to be from both sides. Sit down and TALK to your wife! Other issues may be more of a concern than your CDing. She may be trying to find the best of herself and doesn't feel the burping, swearing, etc are benefiting her "new" image. If you want her to accept you for you, then you must accept her for her.

[docrobbysherry]

She COULD start "borrowing" your bras, panties, and favorite OUTFITS!:eek:

[Sandra]

Yep I did some of the things your wife is doing, didn't last long though :D

She may have a lot of things going round in her head regarding the cding and you..so talk to her about it, it could be that she feels she has to compete with you.

[Miss Tanya]

She COULD start "borrowing" your bras, panties, and favorite OUTFITS!

:heehee: Thanks. I needed a good laugh. The idea of my wife wanting to wear anything I have is pretty funny. She would never wear anything near as feminine. I actually REALLY love bright pastels and pinks, and i like lots of ruffles and sparkles. She likes lingerie too, but she likes more nuetral colors, lace, nothing very flouncy or glittery. And I can't imagine her trying to stuff herself into my A-cup bras.

[DonnaT]

I suggest talking it over with your wife.

If she's happy with her changes, then don't upset her.

The idea is to find out why she's changed and if she's happy. As well as letting her know that your CDing had nothing to do with how she dressed or is dressing now.

[suchacutie]

This topic has come up between my wife and myself in the context of teaching Tina about being a girl. The advice Tina received is that there is a lot of competition in the area of "looks" at various times in life growing up as a girl, and often after growing up!

It was a good conversation in that we clearly laid out that there was no competition, and that it would be even better if we could learn from each other as Tina was doing a lot of web-searching about makeup and fashion etc.

When I told her about this post she was not surprised at all, saying that the response was probably not even concious, but just a viceral response to another women in her "space". Her advice was to have you compliment your wife as often as possible on these new items, e.g. "great eyes!" etc. with the expectation that the praise would lessen the sense of "space invasion" and competition.

Best of luck! OH, and just think...when you have gotten deeply into being feminine, you'll likely have the same response :) !!!

Isn't femininity wonderful!!!

tina :)

[Leslie Langford]

This is a classic case of your SO now seeing your female persona as the "other woman", and stepping up her game to be better able to compete with "her" in the femininity department. Yep, the "green-eyed monster" of jealousy rears its ugly head in this type of scenario as well.

I think that it is human nature for most hetero GG's to react this way, rather than seeing her crossdressing partner as being a husband/boyfriend and girlfriend all wrapped up into one, which is probably the way most of us would prefer to see ourselves as a way of gaining their acceptance.

[Andy66]

I agree, the only way you'll really know what gives is to ask your wife. It could be a lot of things.

Does she feel the need to compete with you?
Does she feel less feminine than before?
Do you inspire her in a positive way?
Does she want to enjoy your "hobby" with you?
Is she doing this because she thinks it makes you happy?

I dated a T-girl for a while who always wanted us to go out dressed to the nines in matching outfits. With me being a jeans and t-shirts kind of gal, the dressing up got old pretty quick. Don't get me wrong - she was beautiful and I would have been proud to go out with her no matter how she dressed... but I just wanted to be myself, as much as she wanted to be herself. Eventually it was one of the issues that caused us to go our separate ways. The moral of the story is, please make sure your wife isn't getting dressed up because she thinks it's expected, and then grows to resent it.

[Sarah Doepner]

Nope and it's a good thing. I'm a much better cook than she is and with her bad knees, heels would just be more problems. She was comfortable with it within a week or so and has just stayed supportive of me. I'm very fortunate.

[Stephanie Anne]

Sounds to me like your wife is the one cross dressing. You might want to sit her down and have a talk about it. I hate to tell you but your lovely wife wants to be a *gasp* woman!

[Emily L]

That really hasn't happened to me. Not that I'd mind, because I'm definitely a skirt-or-dress kind of guy, but my wife seems to be just as happy with her jeans-and-t-shirt outfit now as she was before. Trade you? :heehee:

[SuzanneBender]

First let me say that I am not a woman so this is only theory at best, but I do play the role of one every now and then and I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night so I think this may make some sense or not.... :heehee:

Many SOs and wives are threatened by the competition of a "new woman" in their lives. Gender is nothing more than roles we are expected to play. Humans derive there sense of gender from the others in their lives. Transgendered folks often threaten the social morays that others use to define themselves.

I will use the example of our male beer swilling golf buddy. If you come out to your friend your friend will go through mental gymnastics trying to determine how his sense of self is impacted by your relationship. What once was simple Platonic friendship now has multiple societal wrinkles and undertones that will impact how he sees and relates to you. All of a sudden your relationship with him in his mind defines everything from his sense of gender to his sense of sexuality.

This is even more true of our wives and SOs. We often say "I am the same person that I was before I came out". In our minds we are. In their's it couldn't be further from the truth. Your male gender archetype played an enormous role in defining her. Now that you have introduced a gender role outside the norm her gender and sexuality are threatened and rightfully so. I expect that somehow it makes her feel like less of a woman and being a "step ford wife" is her way of proving that she is still a woman.

Are you wrong for challenging this norm? Absolutely not. In my mind it is a silly set of rules dreamed up by guys ,wearing powdered wigs by the way, to show their dominance over women.

I also like Tina's competition theory. It also makes a lot of sense.

[kellycan27]

I have a cder friend who's SO did pretty much the same thing when she found out. later he discovered that while he was out with the girls.. she was out with the boys.:strugglin

[Sammy777]

Well here is my lil o take on things. :battingeyelashes:
And this comes from seeing and watching it happen first hand to someone.

She was a bit of a Tomboy and after finding out your lil secret she started to get herself all girlied up.

Hair, makeup, more feminine/girly clothes and doing it more often.

Taking care of business, cooking now, cleaning, maybe even a bit sweeter to you and in general.

Doesn't even really mind the whole being lied to for years about all this either.

Sound familiar right?

Here is a lil hint:
She isn't being a better woman because:
You are dressing as one every now and again.
You are showing off your new more femm side.
She is somehow "jealous" of the "new woman" in the house.

I can tell you what she probably is doing though....

She is cleaning herself up and dusting off her womanly "resume" and preparing herself to go new man hunting.

If she hasn't started doing it already! :eek:

Much the same way - when a man starts going to the gym all of a sudden to "look better for you honey" -
What he really means is: I'm getting in shape to find me a new woman.

You think that is a man only thing? .... not ....

In the end, the only woman in the house, was him.

[Danamtv]

No, but sometimes my wife borrows my breast forms. I don't mind, because she looks amazing in a short skirt and huge boobs!

[Sammy777]

No, but sometimes my wife borrows my breast forms. I don't mind, because she looks amazing in a short skirt and huge boobs!

I am sure she does.......
Just as sure of the fact that your not the only one noticing how amazing she looks.

Hint hint :heehee:

[Shananigans]

Sounds like she wants to make sure she is the more feminine one in the relationship. You may rock the clothes, but she is rocking the lifestyle sort of thing.

[5150 Girl]

Well,, I've not had an SO "kick it up a notch" however, I've had other aquaitences turn it up a bit after meeting my fem self

[Madame George]

I've seen and heard about this happening with a lot of wives. For some it's a reaction to the feeling of having their place and identity in the marriage threatened. If this is how your wife is feeling, she has to be allowed to work through it. Especially if it's causing her issues with her own feelings of self-worth and self-image.

Some women do it for awhile and then reanalyze why they suddenly feel the need to confine themselves to the traditional female roles and expectations commonly associated with being a wife. It seems like an understanding and agreement with feminism and its criticism of traditional womens' roles sometimes helps with this.

Some women may feel like their own femininity is under threat or that their movement away from a more femme appearance is a problem. Even possibly a potential reason why their husband feels the need to look like a woman. Education on crossdressing and communication with other wives of crossdressers seems to help with this.

There are a lot of other reasons it may be going on, too. Many people have touched on them. Though I think someone also previously mentioned she was probably looking for a new man. I find this highly unlikely since she's doing things, such as cooking, for you. That's a care taker behavior and she likely wouldn't be concerned with changing her behavior to take care of you in these ways if she was planning to move on.

She may not be ready to admit to herself that her spouse crossdresses and there's no fix to it. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is not to push her. Let her know she's not alone and there are other wives she can talk to when she's ready or if she even wants to.

I also wouldn't necessarily give her a specific web address. I spoke to a wife once whose spouse had given her a site to visit and she was so afraid he was trying to influence her she threw it away and it ended up taking her longer to find the support she needed for herself. If you feel like this might be an issue or she asks if you know of any support spaces for her, I put together a list of resources for partners on our site and it's a little less threatening. There's blog archives, active blogs, forums, books, etc... http://www.transohio.org/wordpress/?page_id=456. *Not that I think the wives and girlfriends on this site wouldn't be supportive and wonderful for your wife to talk to. I'm just more of the mindset of giving the spouses and partners, who need them, a variety of healthy support spaces to choose from and allowing them to make the decisions.

I'm going to add this because it's one of the reasons I think my personal behavior never changed in regards to how I dressed or if I wore makeup. Jenn had always made a point of complimenting how I looked without makeup and let me know one of the reasons she found me attractive was because I didn't wear it and didn't feel the need to. She did the same thing with my clothing choices. She reinforced my identity and my femininity. So her wanting to wear makeup or femme it up with clothing had to do with how she interpreted her femininity, not femininity in general, and certainly not mine.

[Debutante]

I thik I see my wife wearing more feminine things now... upping the feminine, as it were... I think she thinks she needs to compete, prove her womanliness (like I could EVER compete with THAT), and so on....
I think it is signs of an insecure woman... but then many women are this way with other women...
I love her womanliness and femininity... and am always give complements, because: she is!

[Satrana]

How informed is she on CD issues? If she does not surf forums like this and is not reading material then she may have the wrong idea about what CDing really is.

For example she may be feeling guilty that her tomboy behavior drove you to seek femininity within yourself. She may believe that she has not lived up to her role as a wife by not delivering on the traditional expectations.

Alternatively she may be like my wife. Just spending time around someone who loves femininity means that she is getting re-acquainted with the fun aspect of being feminine.

Of course you need to talk to her - just be careful not to force her into a corner - she may be enjoying herself in her new direction so leave the choice up to her.

[ReineD]

It is a reaction to you, this is clear, but she is competing for your attention. She is not trying to be prettier than you.

You say that she caught you. This means she now knows that you had a preferred activity that you didn't want her involved in. Much like an affair. Most of us know that our husbands may like sports, or watching TV, or they are passionate about their work, but these are all things that are not hidden and that don't touch the fundamental, romantic relationship a husband has with a wife. Enter the CDing, which brings a level of passion or elation with it that is not unlike having an affair, and even if there is no overt sexual element involved, it is difficult to ignore the strength of a partner's desire to dress! Of course a wife feels threatened under these circumstances. She may feel left behind. I don't mean to offend since I don't know your style of dress, but is it clothing that is considered sexy ... clothing that a woman would normally wear in order to attract a man? Also, are you wanting to ramp it up ... which will make her feel as if you are pulling away from her even more?

If she notices that you admire a more feminine looking woman (that she has not been) when you are out together, she will think that you prefer them over her. Or maybe she feels that you are expressing the woman of your dreams, and she realizes now that this woman is not her. And her definition of femininity might well carry over to fulfilling a more domestic role.

This is for you to answer for yourself and not here, but has your sexual interest in your wife dwindled during the time leading up to your being caught and since? Or before you were caught, did you exhibit any level of dissatisfaction over not being able to dress frequently or freely enough, and might your wife have taken this as a general dissatisfaction with her?

As Madame George suggested, you wife needs to feel that she is loved, wanted, and appreciated just as she is, and that she is a priority in your life over the CDing. Once she feels that her position in your heart and in your desires is secure, she will no longer feel threatened.

Edit - and you will have more freedom to express yourself.
:hugs:

[VikkiVixen7188]

since the CDing thing, she's been transforming. She cooks now (I didn't know if she knew where the kitchen was), she wears make up every day and curls her hair, she's cleaning more, and dressing far more femme.


THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE!

...sarcasm