Ever feel...stupid?

[Ze]

Let's see if I can actually put this into words. Pretty sure I'm going to end up rambling.

There are days when I think about my gender expression in regards to the general public and feel dumb as a brick as a result. A complete idiot. Sometimes very guilty. And I don't know why.

Two scenarios: A few months back, I had a chance to hang around a local mall full-male. Walking in, I stepped back and held the door open for an elderly woman who was just leaving. She was very happy at this act, made a comment about how I must have been in the boy scouts and blah blah, and it was very obvious she thought I was male. I simply smiled and nodded, but instead of being happy about passing, for the rest of the week (yes, the week), I felt horribly guilty about it. It actually still bothers me to this day. I guess I feel like I "tricked" her or something, and therefore I'm a "bad" person.

My other scenario is my planned trip to get my hair cut yet again. Even though I'd have an actual semi-friend there as support, I'm hesitating about going. Because even thinking about how I'll be desperately trying to explain what style I'm after to the cutter while presenting as male, and the looks I'll get (because I always have, no matter where I go) in return...makes me feel like a complete idiot. To the point that I'm putting it off. Even though my semi-friend would be there to assert me as male, thereby hopefully convincing the cutter to do so as well, I feel like even the best of intentions are patronizing. Like the cutter could just as well be patting me on the head like a puppy whenever s/he'd say "he."

But here's what truly bothers me: are these reactions to sociological factors or some sort of proof that I'm not trans at all?

The mix of stories I've seen from others about how they knew "something was wrong" since they were [4/5/6] years old, or have been extremely gung-ho about a full transition within a jaw-dropping short amount of time, or the consistent urgency of "transition or death," or the insistence that they have never ever questioned their transness...I just don't feel that for myself. My identity didn't start to dawn on me until I was about 20, largely due to a childhood I don't want to get into here. Since I denied my gender identity and my sexuality up until then, I was numb for my entire childhood. That's the absolute best word to describe it: numb. With both identity and desire pushed away, there wasn't really much left for me to be aware of. So I was a zombie.

I "only" want to change my name to my chosen male one, get my driver's license to assert me as male, have people refer to me as male, and simply live as male. That's all. I get the occasional twinge for hormones, but it's not enough for me to do anything about it. I rarely desire surgery. (I'm so small that I don't need to bind, and FtM bottom surgery kinda sucks anyway. Why bother?) When I'm by myself, this all feels perfectly rational and "normal" to me. But when I go out in public or see aforementioned comments on the forum, this is when my "stupidity" can kick in. Some days I'm just fine with it, but others I'm not as strong.

Now by no means am I challenging or putting anybody who says these things down. Rather, I'm only saying that hearing these things exacerbates the self-stupidity of my own transness. My therapist would smack me right now if she could; she thinks occasional denial, a realistic pace, and personal reflection/questioning are all signs that I am trans. But what bothers me is I never seem to see such behavior from other people on here. It heightens the denial and questioning because I'm not like "everybody else."

It's part of the Trans Paradox I've been writing on for the past semester, something I have yet to share in my writing thread on this forum. I've been hesitating because I'm afraid people would be quite angry with me. And that would kick up my questioning even more; people would be putting down the core of my being. My theories on sex and gender seem to be...different. I'm not secure enough yet to be challenged so deeply.

But that's beside the point, I guess. I'm stuck in a paradox and feel stupid as a result. And I've been curious recently as to whether anybody else here feels this and perhaps just isn't sharing or I've been missing it. Oh, and I'm sure I'll feel consequently stupid after posting this.

If you read this whole thing, you get a cookie.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

but instead of being happy about passing, for the rest of the week (yes, the week), I felt horribly guilty about it. It actually still bothers me to this day. I guess I feel like I "tricked" her or something, and therefore I'm a "bad" person.

To put it in the vernacular, Ze, You're a Dude. Dude's shouldn't feel guilty about being Dude's.

You didn't trick her. Admittedly you're trying to "pass" as male but that's what you should be doing, because you're male. She saw your real gender and that's a good thing. Maybe you weren't in boy scouts, but if you had been raised as a boy I bet you would have. And you did a nice thing for the lady.


I'm hesitating about going. Because even thinking about how I'll be desperately trying to explain what style I'm after to the cutter while presenting as male, and the looks I'll get (because I always have, no matter where I go) in return...makes me feel like a complete idiot.

I feel the same way sometimes Ze. But you just got to tell yourself "Of course I'm getting a guy's haircut, I'm a guy."


I feel like even the best of intentions are patronizing. Like the cutter could just as well be patting me on the head like a puppy whenever s/he'd say "he."

That can be the case...but sometimes it is done in a honest fashion.



But here's what truly bothers me: are these reactions to sociological factors or some sort of proof that I'm not trans at all?

Dude, you're trans, and we all have doubts.


The mix of stories I've seen from others about how they knew "something was wrong" since they were [4/5/6] years old, or have been extremely gung-ho about a full transition within a jaw-dropping short amount of time, or the consistent urgency of "transition or death," or the insistence that they have never ever questioned their transness...I just don't feel that for myself.

We're like snowflakes, Ze. Your experience is not their experience and vice versa. It's not a race....though I must admit to feeling "left behind in a race" at times in the past.


I "only" want to change my name to my chosen male one, get my driver's license to assert me as male, have people refer to me as male, and simply live as male. That's all. I get the occasional twinge for hormones, but it's not enough for me to do anything about it. I rarely desire surgery. (I'm so small that I don't need to bind, and FtM bottom surgery kinda sucks anyway. Why bother?) When I'm by myself, this all feels perfectly rational and "normal" to me.

You do what feels "right" for you. Your experience is your experience...you can learn from others, but they are not you.


My therapist would smack me right now if she could; she thinks occasional denial, a realistic pace, and personal reflection/questioning are all signs that I am trans.

I'm going to tell on you, Ze...so she can smack you. She's right, IMHO.


But what bothers me is I never seem to see such behavior from other people on here. It heightens the denial and questioning because I'm not like "everybody else."

That's because those of us who have done occasional denial, are taking it slow and have done or are doing a lot of personal reflection tend to keep it to ourselves. Did you know I began IDing as a TS sometime in 2004? Then I recanted it...and started calling myself a CD again because of the angst. Yeah, really. Then I realized I was wrong to recant.


And I've been curious recently as to whether anybody else here feels this and perhaps just isn't sharing or I've been missing it. Oh, and I'm sure I'll feel consequently stupid after posting this.

Stop calling yourself stupid, Ze, you're not.



If you read this whole thing, you get a cookie.

Cookie? A chocolate chip cookie? Can I have flowers too?

Veronica Rogers

[Ze]

Wow, Veronica, thank you so much. :bh: You have no idea (or maybe you do!) how much it helps me out hearing this stuff from even one other TG. :) Thank you.


Cookie? A chocolate chip cookie? Can I have flowers too?

You betcha. :love:

And flowers to those of you that have sent me PMs already, too. You're all awesome. :)

[EnglishRose]

Ooh, ooh, me, I do! I'm the stupid TS who's never even been out "dressed" in daylight, which is a huge question mark right there :) Working on the confidence though.

From what I can tell, self-questioning and doubts are huge parts of being trans; most trans people don't transition; your identity doesn't have to have been determined before you were left high school; etc etc. :)

[Ze]

Thanks, Christina. :hugs: Like I said to Veronica, hearing about others really helps me out. :) Not that I enjoy knowing you feel "stupid," too, but hopefully you know what I mean.

[Stephanie Anne]

Yes. I call it misplaced guilt. It's like you feel bad for something but there is no underlying connection to what it is aside from you just feel as you said "stupid" because that is the only reaction you can have to it.

For me it is the 10 ton brick that was hanging around my neck. I felt ashamed of myself but anytime I really thought about it, I could never give a valid reason why aside form "I always have". You know, that sick stomach feeling like you just stole something?

Your statement "I "only" want to change my name to my chosen male one, get my driver's license to assert me as male, have people refer to me as male, and simply live as male. That's all"...

that is me with only the pronoun changed.

It is a shame you are not here in Vegas or I would love to hang out with you some time and help you feel more like yourself. If you ever come, feel free to ask and I would love to show you around.

In other words holy sh** I can relate to you word for word and stupid guilt trip for stupid guilt trip! You may not be like everyone else but you and me aren't so different in this aspect.

[Ze]

Yes. I call it misplaced guilt. It's like you feel bad for something but there is no underlying connection to what it is aside from you just feel as you said "stupid" because that is the only reaction you can have to it.

Exactly! You've just said it so much better than I did. :)


In other words holy sh** I can relate to you word for word and stupid guilt trip for stupid guilt trip! You may not be like everyone else but you and me aren't so different in this aspect.

Yay. :D I wish we weren't on opposite sides of the country; I really would like to hang out with you! :hugs:

[LisaM]

Ze,

Your thoughts are well-communicated. I never thought about it and defined it as "feeling stupid" but I know the feeling very well. It happens just about every time I put myself out in the public.

I am one of those you described as feeling different since about 4 or 5 and yet I never fully confronted it. It is sort of the conundrum of transitioning---I want people to accept me for who I really am but when I do it feels weird and the only way to really get there is to fully transition but doing that has so many costs---so I always stop and pull back and walk away from "feeling stupid". I have to believe that there are many people out there who get beyong that "feeling stupid" phase by transitioning.

But you're right--when I feel like you describe it makes me question my own transness and leaves me "feeling stupid."

[Kieron Andrew]

Let's see if I can actually put this into words. Pretty sure I'm going to end up rambling.

There are days when I think about my gender expression in regards to the general public and feel dumb as a brick as a result. A complete idiot. Sometimes very guilty. And I don't know why.

Two scenarios: A few months back, I had a chance to hang around a local mall full-male. Walking in, I stepped back and held the door open for an elderly woman who was just leaving. She was very happy at this act, made a comment about how I must have been in the boy scouts and blah blah, and it was very obvious she thought I was male. I simply smiled and nodded, but instead of being happy about passing, for the rest of the week (yes, the week), I felt horribly guilty about it. It actually still bothers me to this day. I guess I feel like I "tricked" her or something, and therefore I'm a "bad" person.

My other scenario is my planned trip to get my hair cut yet again. Even though I'd have an actual semi-friend there as support, I'm hesitating about going. Because even thinking about how I'll be desperately trying to explain what style I'm after to the cutter while presenting as male, and the looks I'll get (because I always have, no matter where I go) in return...makes me feel like a complete idiot. To the point that I'm putting it off. Even though my semi-friend would be there to assert me as male, thereby hopefully convincing the cutter to do so as well, I feel like even the best of intentions are patronizing. Like the cutter could just as well be patting me on the head like a puppy whenever s/he'd say "he."
It all boils down to confidence and believing you have a right be called male and male pronouns...ie believing in yourself as a man...you are male so why shouldn't you get those pronouns, see what i mean, once you start inforcing those pronouns out and about it does get easier to believe in yourself trust me, but you have to keep at it for this to happen...



But here's what truly bothers me: are these reactions to sociological factors or some sort of proof that I'm not trans at all?nope, as i said its all to do with confidence and believing in yourself and that you have a god giving right be seen and addressed as male


I "only" want to change my name to my chosen male one, get my driver's license to assert me as male, have people refer to me as male, and simply live as male. That's all. I get the occasional twinge for hormones, but it's not enough for me to do anything about it. I rarely desire surgery. (I'm so small that I don't need to bind, and FtM bottom surgery kinda sucks anyway. Why bother?) When I'm by myself, this all feels perfectly rational and "normal" to me. But when I go out in public or see aforementioned comments on the forum, this is when my "stupidity" can kick in. Some days I'm just fine with it, but others I'm not as strong.gender disphoria comes in all kinds of strengths and is expressed in many different ways...we are all different :), whats right for one isn't necessarily right for another, the only example i can give is lots of us don't want lower surgery, but does that make us any less male? or our gender issues any less than someone who is going to have lower surgery...no i don't think so...and lots of us start out just wanting to change one thing and that goal post does and can keep changing over time, i swore blind i'd never had bottom surgery...now im contemplating meta...for me it was T that changed that goal post



My therapist would smack me right now if she could; she thinks occasional denial, a realistic pace, and personal reflection/questioning are all signs that I am trans. But what bothers me is I never seem to see such behavior from other people on here. It heightens the denial and questioning because I'm not like "everybody else."and if i was there right now i'd slap you too!! (Esther just said 'me too!' lol)


It's part of the Trans Paradox I've been writing on for the past semester, something I have yet to share in my writing thread on this forum. I've been hesitating because I'm afraid people would be quite angry with me. And that would kick up my questioning even more; people would be putting down the core of my being. My theories on sex and gender seem to be...different. I'm not secure enough yet to be challenged so deeply.
Told you i want to read it....email it to me :D


But that's beside the point, I guess. I'm stuck in a paradox and feel stupid as a result. And I've been curious recently as to whether anybody else here feels this and perhaps just isn't sharing or I've been missing it. Oh, and I'm sure I'll feel consequently stupid after posting this.you are just starting out, you've social restraints in the form of your mother that has stopped you exploring yourself and you gender more, you are NOT stupid :slap:


If you read this whole thing, you get a cookie.where's my cookie!! :p

[Ze]

But you're right--when I feel like you describe it makes me question my own transness and leaves me "feeling stupid."

Sorry to hear you've been going through pretty much the same thing. :hugs: Hopefully we all can put it behind us soon.


and if i was there right now i'd slap you too!! (Esther just said 'me too!' lol)

Gee, Esther, thanks. :heehee: *ducks from both of you*


you are just starting out, you've social restraints in the form of your mother that has stopped you exploring yourself and you gender more, you are NOT stupid :slap:

That's a really good point. :thinking: Being stuck in such a closeted phase doesn't help things at all. Maybe it's one of the sources of my problem. I get no positive reinforcement; it's all negative and challenging.

No cookie for you, but Esther gets :love:.

[Kieron Andrew]

Gee, Esther, thanks. :heehee: *ducks from both of you*

That's a really good point. :thinking: Being stuck in such a closeted phase doesn't help things at all. Maybe it's one of the sources of my problem. I get no positive reinforcement; it's all negative and challenging.

No cookie for you, but Esther gets :love:.

awwww why don't i get a cookie? :( :p

[Ze]

awwww why don't i get a cookie? :( :p

Cuz I like to tease you. :D What else do I have in my day?

[Kieron Andrew]

Cuz I like to tease you. :D What else do I have in my day?

WAH!!!! stamps feet!! i want my cookie!!!!

[Ze]

WAH!!!! stamps feet!! i want my cookie!!!!

Oh for the love of...:heehee:

You always manage to lift my spirits, dude. Thanks. :)

[Kieron Andrew]

Oh for the love of...:heehee:

You always manage to lift my spirits, dude. Thanks. :)

YAY!!! i gots lots a cookies!!

you are very welcome, what are buddies for eh

[sandra-leigh]

I often question what I am. If you've seen my long rambling posts about how things go for me in public, then you might have recognized that part of the reason for those posts is to express those thoughts to myself, to take a look at what I've done and get a better sense of myself.

I don't think of myself as being transsexual, though -- though sometimes I wonder whether maybe I am. Some people might perhaps say, "If you don't know, then you probably aren't", or "trans is something you always knew you were", but I really have to wonder about that, and don't think that is right at all. I know someone not so different in age from me who decided within the last year to start to transition MTF, and I really don't get the impression that she knew herself that well even just two years ago.

I don't think my gender therapist sees me as transsexual; she has said that my experiences are not those typical of transsexuals. On the other hand, I know she doesn't see me as "male". Not transsexual, not male... what is left? Only the crumbs sometimes known as "transgender" is all.

What my therapist has told me is, do not label myself and then live my life according to the labels: instead, to experiment and see what works for me, and not to worry about whether there is a name for it.

I get scared sometimes. We tend to some idea of what "female" is, and we tend to have some idea of what "male" is, and those ideas can act as road-maps for us, and most of us feel more generally more comfortable in knowing where we are and where we are going. When I look into myself and talk to my therapist, I come out with statements like, "I don't feel like I am a woman, but I am sure that I am not male, at least not as that is commonly understood." and "I don't feel like I am a woman, more an affinity for them, as I am a relative of female, like a cousin." Now, what kind of direction does that give me in our society, or even within myself? It's like, "You are lost, and you don't even know where you want to go!" And being lost and feeling alone is scary.

I was surfing the net not so long ago, and came across an item about transsexuality and mental illness. Interestingly, the incidence of schizophrenia amongst transsexuals is apparently significantly lower than average (though not completely unknown): the item had a quote from a doctor who said that MTF transsexuals are seldom schizophrenic and seldom believe that they are women when they start, that instead they have a "deep affinity" with being female. I found that interesting considering what I had said about affinity to my therapist.

Excuse me, Ze, for speaking in terms of MTF: like the old saying goes, "Write what you know".

Some days what I fear is that I am female; other days what I fear that I am not. A few days ago, I was in bed, not fully awake yet, and thoughts and feelings were coming and going, and what washed over me was a feeling that I really wanted to go 24/7 for a while and present as female and be treated as female, and see how it felt to me. It was in no way a statement to myself that I feel that I am female: it was a statement to myself that there is a part of me that wants to try living my life that way and see how it goes.

What do I start telling myself when I get more awake and realism sets in? This: that I might not be able to live as a woman, because nearly everyone "reads" me no matter how I am dressed -- and yet an amazing number of people treat me well, and an amazing number of people deal with me as if being transgendered is appropriate and natural for me, or they go about their own lives without reacting to me, as if I am just a normal and natural part of humanity. Thus the more practical and realistic side of me says that what I should do is "just" to go 24/7 as transgendered, that that would be considerably easier on me than becoming apparently female for a while. At the same time, some part of me asks, "Are you crazy? Easier to go visibly publicly transgendered than to go as a woman? Won't people think you're weird and strange and keep away?" But somehow, for me things just work that way: so-far anyhow, I make a more natural and accepted visibly trans person than I make a female.

I own a button that says, "I am an artist, your rules don't apply to me!" -- and so it seems that I am a transgendered person for whom somehow the typical social interactions do not hold. Which is kind of a nice place to be, in a number of ways -- but it is scary, being an individual, making everything up as I go along.

Apologies, I have to head off for work now!

[Ze]

Thank you so much for sharing, Sandra. :hugs: It was nice of you to do so, especially when you have to rush off to work!



What my therapist has told me is, do not label myself and then live my life according to the labels: instead, to experiment and see what works for me, and not to worry about whether there is a name for it.

This is excellent advice. :) Thank you.


Interestingly, the incidence of schizophrenia amongst transsexuals is apparently significantly lower than average (though not completely unknown):

Reminds me of the ritual I got into with my therapist before this one. I was always trying to convince her that I was somehow schizophrenic or manic-depressive or something. It got to the point where the first thing she'd say when every time I'd walk in was, "Whatever new mental illness you heard about, you don't have it." :elaugh:

But this piece of information is really interesting. Thanks for sharing it!


Excuse me, Ze, for speaking in terms of MTF: like the old saying goes, "Write what you know".

Not a problem. :)


At the same time, some part of me asks, "Are you crazy? Easier to go visibly publicly transgendered than to go as a woman? Won't people think you're weird and strange and keep away?" But somehow, for me things just work that way: so-far anyhow, I make a more natural and accepted visibly trans person than I make a female.

Yeah, exactly! (Well, the male equivalent of "exactly" for me. :ner:)

[Empress Lainie]

Sandra Leigh you are like another artist I know who told me that some days she feels male, other days she feels female, and she dresses and acts accordingly.

That is something I could not do, and I admire her for being able to as I admire you.

But we have quite a large spectrum of our feelings of gender identity so what is true or works for one is not necessarily true or workable for another.

I see all the angst on this site, and I empathize tremendously, but I never experienced it. And yes, I realize just how wonderfully fortunate I am to not have to go through all the doubts and trauma.

Ze I think you will find that with some time and allowing yourself to be yourself things will sort themselves out, and it seems that as things progress you seem to feel much more secure about yourself and knowing who you are.

I will always do all that I can to help any sister or brother trans in their journey however much I can, that is a purpose I have strongly.

[Lorileah]

Wow I did read that whole thing Ze, but you know I have to watch my figure so no cookie for me.

I think we all feel "stupid" sometime. We wonder why we are who we are. Why we feel the way we feel. Why we aren't like "everyone else". It isn't something exclusive to you. Maybe us old geezers are just to the point of saying, who cares?

Look at it this way, you have made inroads to where you want to be. You presented as the young man you are even though you had doubts because you see yourself still in the other role. You presented as a polite young man, the woman at the mall saw you as a polite young man. Bonus! You did it. Take that and run with it, Confidence has to be learned and reinforced. Do you think that a baby comes out and looks around and says "Damn this is cake!"? Heck no. It was warm it was safe it was perfect and then BANG it is cold and wet and someone slaps you on the butt. Things work out.

Here is my thought. Quit thinking "I wish I was a man." Start thinking "I am who I am. I am the best person I can be. I may not look like what I think I should look like but I can be who I am." Yes physical is what people see initially. You can "present" in any manner. But can you forget gender? If you forget how people think you should act, you will present as who you are. (Dang that's deep and I am getting a little dizzy). You know that too many people here try real hard to be what they think they should be. You see hundreds of posts that say How do women walk (one foot in front of the other) how do men think (not often) how should I wave my hand scratch my head twirl my mustache? And when you over think you mess up. But when you are who you are internally, it will present externally. The woman at the mall saw "you". She didn't stop and think "wow that ain't right." You worry about deceiving her but if she had said "Thank you young lady." you would feel you had not presented as you. You aren't going to win on this. Not until you accept who you are and just "do it".

Damn now I need a nap

[Midnight Skye]

My other scenario is my planned trip to get my hair cut yet again. Even though I'd have an actual semi-friend there as support, I'm hesitating about going. Because even thinking about how I'll be desperately trying to explain what style I'm after to the cutter while presenting as male, and the looks I'll get (because I always have, no matter where I go) in return...makes me feel like a complete idiot. To the point that I'm putting it off. Even though my semi-friend would be there to assert me as male, thereby hopefully convincing the cutter to do so as well, I feel like even the best of intentions are patronizing. Like the cutter could just as well be patting me on the head like a puppy whenever s/he'd say "he."

Ze I just ate half a cookie (heres the other half!) and I want to give you a hug! :hugs: I've actually been so chicken of going in for a female cut and trying to describe what I want, and dealing with the landside of feelings interacting with a hairstylist... that' I've started cutting my own hair :o

I've been feeling exactly how you describe the last couple weeks. On one hand I've been out more as a girl than ever before. And I want to be out and about more and more. But at the same time I'm suddenly deeply questioning why I don't feel like functioning male in our society. What is wrong with me... I'm physically male... I function around others mostly ok. But still things aren't right. I don't feel the need to change everything about myself (something you seem to be saying Ze). But arggggg!!! Then like you said, by wondering about these things you start doubting if you're fully trans. I mean if you're trans shouldn't you just know it all the time! And if you're half trans what the heck does that mean :Angry3:

My current thoughts... uggg I don't know. I think any trans-person is going to have all kinds of different needs and emotional sways back and forth. At least I hope that's normal. If not... then you and me have problems other than being trans-something :doh:

[Kaz]

Hi Ze,

I feel stupid lots of the time. Sometimes at home being "male me" around the familiar family man I became... why am I even thinking about this CD/TG?whatever it is thing? Sometimes when getting "dressed" ready to go out... and yes... sometimes when out...

I have had some opportunities in the past few weeks to stay away from home for several days in several weeks and though having a busy work schedule that included evening work.... I made time for Kaz...

But I have had some really questioning moments on many levels...

I packed my bags at a hotel in Newcastle and loaded the car and settled the bill... went back to the room, became Kaz, made my way out of the hotel... cleaning staff, lift encounters, reception, into car... no event.

Drove to a local as you would call it "mall" - and had a walk about... no event.

Stopped off at lots of places on my drive south... no event.

Did I pass? Or am I being stupid?

The following week I was staying over in Leeds... same check out procedure, but packed the car (parked over the road in a public car park) as Kaz... a black guy gave me a long check out look... I assumed I had been "clocked" - so then I felt stupid for a different reason. Then I realised my back-drop to his view was the Yorkshire ITV televison studios, which I would have appeared to have been coming out of... so what was in his mind?

Perception is an interesting thing.

Last week Kaz walked around York centre (very quickly) and got "clocked" twice... it felt awful. I felt exposed, very vulnerable and I didn't spend as long there as I had originally intended. But these feelings were all of my own making.

The people who clocked me were "old"... The old and the young are the ones who "see"...

So in my book, if you can "pass" it gives you freedom to be who you want, when you want... ain't nothing stupid in that :hugs:

Kz xx

[Nicole Erin]

Nothing wrong with getting a men's cut. Just make sure and be picky about how they trim around the ears and back of the neck, guys are picky like that.
If you are afraid of barber shops, any salon will have stylists that are plenty qualified to do men's cuts. I don't know how testosterony it is in a barber shop, but beauty shops/salons, the women or men (who are usually gay) working there are not about to judge anyone.

Doubt? Yeah, that is something all TS feel, being TS is not something that disappears regardless of passability or assimilation.

SRS - I always did think that yeah, it bites how FTM SRS is not nearly as good as MTF SRS, and for the FTM it is more expensive. Me, I don't care what I got, as long as it works.

Important thing is to live as you need to be happy.

Doubt from other trans - Sometimes you will run into TS who will want to tell other TS that they are not real because...
could be they don't want certain things, or have a certain sexual orientation, or whatever.

Looks - I know plenty about that. The real fun part is when I am out femm'ed up nicely and some smart ass still wants to call me "sir".

How far to go - Well, all TS, TV, and CD know that there are many levels. The most extreme levels being the TV who likes to wear panties and "enjoy" and on the other extreme are the full time "stealth" TS. Yu got your full time CD's, you got people who present literally 1/2 male and 1/2 female, it's all good.

You just have to find what is important to you. Nevermind any "standard" of what it means to be "TS".

[JenniferZ2009]

I make sure to look into my thoughts every day and see what I can learn from the world.

[Jorja]

Giggles…..Just thinking about the title of this thread. Yes, I do feel stupid just about everyday.
A little background for you. I own my own business. I hold two bachelor degrees, Architectural Design and Business Administration, I speak three languages fluently. I feel that I am as well read as the next person, I keep up with the current world and local news. Yet, not a day passes when I don’t learn something new. It maybe about myself as a person or it might be about business. My 9 year old granddaughter gets on the computer and simply amazes me with her knowledge of the computer. She does things I have never even thought of, things I didn’t know a computer could do. Yes, some days I feel quite stupid.

So how does this relate to your questions about your gender? I have no idea.
What I do know is you are young. You are probably just coming out into the world as a transgendered person so it hasn’t been all that long that you have presented as a male. Your genetic counterparts have had about 21 years to learn the art of being male. You are just starting. That being said, there are just some things you have to accept at face value. An older lady thanking you for holding the door for her is one of them. Did you hold the door open to trick the lady? No, you did it to show respect and to help her.

Going to get a haircut can be a demanding situation for even the most hardcore males. In my case I am a transwoman but what I was told long ago applies here too. Go in as if you own the place. Self confidence and acting like it is just another part of life will take you a long way in the world. Don’t worry about your voice not being deep enough. Just tell them what you want just like you were ordering a Big Mac and fries at McDonalds.

I have been doing this now for over 30 years. Every day I learn something new about being a woman. A new or better way of doing something. I do this mostly out of observation. You are not going to learn to be male over night. Well, maybe some of them you will be able to emulate :D. Not all guys are the same just as not all women are the same. You are uniquely you. You are not stupid! You can do it!

[Miranda09]

OK...first Ze, I did read the whole thing. Can I still get a cookie??? :D Second, I know exactly how you feel. I've been on that roller coaster ride now for the past couple of months and it can get confusing. There are days that when I get fully dressed, and look in the mirror, I want to head out that door and be this person for a while. Then, the next day, when I'm out and about in male mode, I start to get a guilty, or maybe just feeling silly, about the whole thing, especially when I watch women and how they act, walk, present themselves, interact...etc, and I sometimes realize that I don't know if I can ever emmulate that. What helps me get thru this is a realization that while I may not be able to be convincing, I am able to get a better understanding of not only my femme self, but also about women in general, which I find very uplifting. As you said, transitioning, for me, is not worth the effort, but inlike you (perhaps) I like my male side as much as my femme side. Part of this feeling is, no doubt, a reflection on society, since it is society in general, and our families more specifically, that help shape our views on sexuality and gender identity. As society matures, this will change, but maybe too slowly for us. It's a good thing to ask these questions, as it's part of discovering who you are. No matter what road you eventually wind up taking, I'll bet you'll be a better rounded person because of these nagging little doubts you may have. Don't stop......you know we understand!!!! ;)

[Karen564]

Well Ze, I read your OP, and only that, because I didn't want to contaminate my 1st thoughts about what you or others wrote after that..
Going by that, I can't honestly say or come to a conclusion whether your transman or not..but appears you are obviously having some serious doubts as to your Male gender identity too, so it looks like your stuck somewhere in between...
But then again, maybe your just over-thinking this whole matter to the point of confusing yourself.


Since I know your no dummy, but does this being identified either male of female matter so much at this stage of the game for you?
Cant you just live your life the exact way you feel most comfortable as, and just be yourself with no preset rules to follow?
As in, forget about what others do, including all other trans.....what do YOU want to do?
If you know where your comfort zone is now, go with that no matter what it is..and enjoy it..
As you get older, you can make adjustments along the way...

Peace..

:hugs:

[mapletree]

i think i understand your sisuation -- i refer to it as wanting parts of two (at least) worlds becasue in each world at differetn times one can fit in so well and therore either feel very outside when not as connected in other areas.

Perhaps it is the enthocentric values of society which in order to promote community ??

[Andy66]

I think you and I are actually somewhat similar, Ze. It just so happens I've been having this conversation with someone else recently: for the last few months I've been questioning myself. Sometimes I feel male and sometimes I feel female. And it doesn't matter what sort of clothes I happen to be wearing at the time. I suppose I've always felt partly male, but I could never put my finger on what it was until I had read a lot of people's experiences here and let them sink in. (BTW, I'm twice your age, boy.)

I've come to the conclusion that over-thinking things is doing me no good. I will just roll with it and see where it leads, make minor adjustments to create a me I like better, but not make any drastic changes for now. Works for me.

About irrational guilt - yes, society and parents have a way of putting things in your head that can mess with you for years or decades after you logically should be over it. It takes a tremendous amount of work to get over some things, but you just have to keep working at it. You'll get there. :bh:

So can I have a cookie, or did Kieron eat them all? :tongueout:

[sandra-leigh]

On the bus this evening, I saw someone that I'm pretty certain was Two Spirited -- and I mean that in the literal sense. It turns out that the English term "Two Spirited" was first raised in the city I live in, and this city has the largest concentration of Two Spirited people in the world; I've met a couple of them, especially at some Transgendered Day of Remembrance events. I don't know why, but they have impressed me a fair bit: perhaps it is because they are living examples of how one can lived a mixed male and female life and be at peace with that -- that and because they leave me with a large impression of dignity.

I think that a lot of the time it is harder to be yourself than to go along and conform. One of the things that I never learned how to do was conform, to be something because society thought I should be. Not conforming has, in a number of ways, cost me quite a bit over the years -- on the other hand, it was good preparation for becoming relatively openly transgendered. :doh:

I don't hate being my birth sex, but it just doesn't work out for me. Being "neither fish nor fowl" does seem to work for me.

[Karan49]

I don't know if this "irrational guilt" about feeling as though you have
"tricked" someone has to do with lacking self confidence.

Since 1988 I've lived full time as Karan in stealth mode. I've been successful
in applying for and holding jobs and only my family and a few friends know
of my transition to Karan. I have a few friends and many aquaintances who
know me only as Karan and I agonize at times that my friends don't really
"know" me, the whole me. As I've known them for years, how do I now go
about explaining who I really am, my whole past, my former spouse was not
a man, but a woman. I'm keeping some truth, mostly via omission, from
my friends. This feels deceitful and it is! It hurts me to do so.

And, yet I feel a danger in explaining who I am. One friend I've talked with
around transgender issues uses the term "it" and so I don't feel safe in
confiding my truth. And, I've been around long enough that I want a deeper
relationships which for me includes sharing the total me.

On the one hand, I want to self-preserve and keep my deep stealth. On the
other hand whenever I have chosen to explain myself to others such as friend
or family I never request that they keep my secret as that is a burden I've
had for much too long and would never want to put that burden on another.
But I do suggest that whoever they do share it with, that if this information
were to make them uncomfortable, then they should think about who they
are sharing the information with.

I've been told that what's between my legs, is no one's busines but my own.
For the most part this is true, but when you want more meaningful relation-
ships, this changes. I'm not concerned with aquaintances, only with the trans-
ition to friendship, or possibly a more intimate relationship.

So it's been almost 22 years as Karan and I'm pretty sure I "pass", but that
isn't the issue so much as feeling safe to be "out and about" as the total me.
The truth is I don't feel safe, but from the age of four or five I did feel
different and afraid enough to hide the real me. It is tiresome and I weary of
being fearful.

I over came the fear of being Karan in public, the possibility of being embarrassed, of showing my feminine side to friends and family. Yet I find it
even more difficult to share my birth gender. Not that I'm ashamed of it so much
as I feel as though I will hurt someone for having been so deceptive for so many
years.

It feels as though I'm still a work in progress. Thank you all for this opportunity to express myself, to clarify this uncomfortable dilemma I'm dealing with. And,
yes, sometimes I feel exceptionally stupid.

Karan

[Ze]

Thank you to everyone for your answers so far. :) It makes me feel better just to hear the stories of others.

[DanielMacBride]

My therapist would smack me right now if she could; she thinks occasional denial, a realistic pace, and personal reflection/questioning are all signs that I am trans. But what bothers me is I never seem to see such behavior from other people on here. It heightens the denial and questioning because I'm not like "everybody else."

Ze, just because you don't see it on here, doesn't mean it doesn't happen ;) And I know some of us (myself included) have posted those kinds of questions/thoughts in our journals or just in various threads - we all have times when we question what we are doing and whether it's the right thing, and some of us are a bit more vocal about it than others who might prefer to do their reflection quietly ;)

Questioning your path and whether you are trans is both normal and healthy - if you didn't stop to question whether you were doing the right thing at some point, or get the whole "why me" or "wtf!" kind of reaction (lol), it would be less likely that you are trans and more likely that you are just repressing other issues. Besides, some of us have more at stake if we choose to honour who we are than others (like families, kids, jobs or a million other things that could be at risk if we express our gender differently to how society says it should be), and people will often hold back on taking any major steps in transitioning because the stakes are too high. That doesn't make them any less trans either - it just means that whatever reason they are choosing not to transition is much more important to them than the need to transition fully.

As to whether you are "trans" or not based on not necessarily wanting hormones or surgery - that's not always the indicator, it's only the standard one that the medical profession uses to determine whether someone is transsexual. But trans covers a whole lot of shades, and the reality is that some transguys are more comfortable with the body they are in than others. You definitely come across as a guy to me, so don't think that just because you don't want to go the whole nine yards with surgery and hormones, you aren't "trans". That's just a form of elitism that REALLY ticks me off when people start with the "so and so is more trans than that person because...", because it's absolute rubbish. Your gender expression is yours and yours alone, and the bottom line is if your gender (no matter what it is) does not match your physical body, you are trans (and transsexual is just the more extreme end of the spectrum).

Also, I can relate to not knowing till you are much older - I didn't know why my life was so screwed up till I was 36 years old, because like you I had a childhood that made me switch off, and I also had a childhood that meant I didn't have the tools, frame of reference or exposure to transpeople to be able to articulate that I was male. And even if I had known and said something, my parents would likely have tried to beat it out of me, so I couldn't have taken that risk. Does that make me any less trans because I didn't state from age 4 that I was a boy? Of course not - it just means I didn't understand what it was or how to deal with it, and had not been exposed to the concept that my body and my brain might not match.

And yes, I feel stupid all the time - I struggle a lot with the fact that I have missed all the male socialisation I should have had, that makes it harder for me to figure out how to fit in as a guy, and I often feel stupid because I don't feel like I fit the way I should. It's not so much an issue with my gender as an issue that society has where they have a problem with anything they can't pigeonhole into either a pink or blue box. And I get it a lot, because I look and sound male, but then I might go into parent mode or talk about knitting or corsets and people instantly go "wha?" because apparently those kinds of things don't fit their preconceived notions about what kind of male I am. I also sometimes feel stupid that I didn't know I was trans until so late - I often think to myself, how the hell could I not have known that I wasn't a girl? I mean I felt uncomfortable with the "girl" role all my life, and in spite of knowing the logical reasons why I couldn't articulate it, I still often feel really stupid that I didn't know clearly enough to be able to say I was male a lot sooner.

[sandra-leigh]

I struggle a lot with the fact that I have missed all the male socialisation I should have had, that makes it harder for me to figure out how to fit in as a guy, and I often feel stupid because I don't feel like I fit the way I should.

I didn't have the "male socialization" either, and I grew up male. :sad:

[Faith_G]

Ze, when I read your post what really spoke to me was your comments about "certainty" and "jaw-dropping pace."

I am certain now of who I am and what I need to do, but it took 20 years of struggling, fighting, denial, grudging acceptance, and confused muddling about to get to that place of certainty. You just didn't get to see it because I wasn't on here posting about it.

The high-speed transition drive comes from both the certainty and the feeling of wasted years behind and mortality ahead. Now that I know where I need to be, I want to be there yesterday!

Your not having heavy-duty body dysphoria is a blessing. Be glad that all you need to feel whole and happy is to change your name and outer presentation. Don't feel stupid about that. No matter how much we say that we don't care what other people think of us, humans are social beings and how others treat us has a huge influence on our happiness. When you spend your days feeling "sir" but hearing "miss" it's going to affect you and that is not "stupid." It's human.

Last point: This is not a contest. Everyone who treats being TS as a contest has lost. This is an individual quest for your identity, and only you will know when you have found it.

[DonnaLynn77]

I guess I feel like I "tricked" her or something, and therefore I'm a "bad" person.
I haven't really had this too much, but yes on occasion I do feel some strange remorse at having "fooled" a stranger or, in my case, wrongly accepted the kindness of a man who opened a door for me. As if I were deceiving him so that I could "cheat the system" and "get out of pulling my own weight", like I'm some sort of slacker or something. So, yeah... I get it.

But here's what truly bothers me: are these reactions to sociological factors or some sort of proof that I'm not trans at all?
I so get this. And no, I don't think that it is proof.


My therapist would smack me right now if she could; she thinks occasional denial, a realistic pace, and personal reflection/questioning are all signs that I am trans. But what bothers me is I never seem to see such behavior from other people on here. It heightens the denial and questioning because I'm not like "everybody else."
I know what you mean, I feel such stop-and-start attitudes in myself and don't share them here because I, like you, feel that I must be not "as trans" as the other, more confirmed (as far as we know) people here. It makes me feel better that your therapist sounds like mine. :)


If you read this whole thing, you get a cookie.
I like oatmeal raisin, please. :D

Chin up, man. You're going to make it!

xo,
Donna

[Empress Lainie]

Karan49 I certainly relate to your experience. I am doing the same thing going on to "only" 3 years now. Very few people know I am not a gg. I have NO guilt or bad feelings because I KNOW (Aquarius) I AM a woman.

[sandra-leigh]

on occasion I do feel some strange remorse at having "fooled" a stranger or, in my case, wrongly accepted the kindness of a man who opened a door for me.

Sometimes when I am wearing more obvious female clothes (e.g., dress), then even if I have my male face and little or no makeup, people hold the door open for me with a smile where they probably wouldn't have held the door for me at all (and not with a smile.) I console myself with two things: A) that I've held more than my share of doors in the past, and having the door held for me on occasion now, when I don't ask for me, is just fair karma; B) almost everyone "reads" me in a glance even when I am fully dressed and made up; if they like what they see even knowing at some level that I am born male, then I surely cannot complain :)

Knowing that one does not pass can be liberating in a way, in that if people choose to talk to you or deal with you more on the female side, then you know that it is because of a combination of what is in you and what is in them, and not because you "tricked" them into anything. It does make the question of bathrooms more difficult, though.

[Andy66]

Sometimes when I am wearing more obvious female clothes (e.g., dress), then even if I have my male face and little or no makeup, people hold the door open for me with a smile where they probably wouldn't have held the door for me at all (and not with a smile.)
No need to feel strange about having a door held for you. If you present as a lady, even if I happen to "clock" you, I would be delighted to treat you like a lady. The only people I might not hold the door for is macho men... and that's not because I have anything against them. It's because I don't want to make them feel awkward or bruise their egos by doing a role reversal.

[Lorileah]

I feel weird because I hold the door for anyone who is going through at the same general time I am. I do expect some courtesy of a thank you or at least a nod, but that doesn't happen with men and certain women who think evidently I am that electric eye in droid form. So that really isn't something to feel deceitful about, it is just common courtesy. (you are such a nice young man Ze)

[Starling]

I shouldn't have a cookie either, Ze. But as Lorileah just said, you are a nice young man. Not just for opening the door, but for having these concerns, these moral qualms. You have nagging doubts because you are a good, caring person. Right now your thoughtfulness makes everything more difficult for you, but it means that when you have worked out who you really are, you will own that knowledge.

In the meantime, it is most helpful to remember that you can only change yourself. You can't control others, so don't bother yourself with their reactions, which will be shaped by their own personalities, experiences and prejudices--and do not reflect on you, but only on them.

The nicest people out there will be the ones who are caring like you, Ze.

To me, the happiest gender-gifted folks are the ones who simply get on with it like other full-fledged humans. They perform their tasks, they interact, they people-watch, they initiate conversations with interesting-looking people...they turn their focus outward, onto the life around them.

I know it's hard, believe me. I have no idea what it's like not to question my gender. It's been the major preoccupation of my life, and it's held me back in many ways. But I'm oldish now, and I should have followed my own advice when I was your age, no matter how it would have shaken things up--temporarily.

I'm not beating myself up about it, because I was young and confused in much more gender-ignorant times; but I'd be a much happier person today for having taken that huge and worthwhile risk, and I'd have been a better friend, lover and spouse, too. Use the gift of second chances your youth bestows to try things out and see what feels right.

Love,
Lallie

[7sisters]

Ze, Everyone has given you very good advice. I have no intelligent things to add, so I will just give you a hug. :hugs: there... feel any better?

I've read about people with your exact same concerns Ze. Dont worry. Dont compare. We are all unique - that is why we have different fingerprints. does this not tell you something?

And to all those who have written, one hug from me to each of you. Wish all of you a very nice week ahead. Hugs!!

[lizlizzie]

A few months back, I had a chance to hang around a local mall full-male. Walking in, I stepped back and held the door open for an elderly woman who was just leaving. She was very happy at this act, made a comment about how I must have been in the boy scouts and blah blah, and it was very obvious she thought I was male. I simply smiled and nodded, but instead of being happy about passing, for the rest of the week (yes, the week), I felt horribly guilty about it. It actually still bothers me to this day. I guess I feel like I "tricked" her or something, and therefore I'm a "bad" person..

Ze - the other parts of your message have been addressed by lots of people. As a 50-year bio female, I wanted to address this part. If you feel bad because you "tricked" her, does that make her stupid because she believed you were a guy? I am sure you don't see her as stupid, so dont' see yourself as bad.

I went with my MTF spouse to a bar last weekend. The lead singer was FTM; the bar was a gay bar, neither of which I knew until afterwards when my spouse told me. It didn't occur to me to feel stupid. I didn't see either because I was concentrating on spending an evening with my spouse listening to good music. What I saw was a good lead singer and a neighborhood bar. You were seen by your actions in terms the woman could express - nice young man opening the door.

The more the world perceives you as what you project to be, the better life will be.

PS. I read your post and all the replies - my favorite is peanut butter cookies. :)

[Fab Karen]

:thinking: Being stuck in such a closeted phase doesn't help things at all. Maybe it's one of the sources of my problem. I get no positive reinforcement; it's all negative and challenging.

And that lightbulb over your head gets brighter. Until you get the time & space to get to know yourself without hindrances you've grown up with, it can be hard to deal with. And as others have said, you don't have to march in lock step with others in your general category. Do what feels right for you, otherwise happiness will elude you. The question to ask is, am I being true to myself? Being fake means trying to be what OTHERS want you to be.

[hopingsecret]

Hi Ze. I'm new here and this is actually my first post so YAY!

I completely indentify with what your saying. I've been battling myself since half past forever and I still feel like I'm spinnining my wheels. I'm a male by birth but want to be female. I can first remember feeling this way at the age of 5. Ok, so nothing new right.

Well, like you I have a lot of issues from childhood that I also don't want to get into, but let's just say, I'm not sure if my desire for womanhood is my own or was slowly imprinted upon me. I have gone back and forth many times in my sexual identity. I first tried crossdressing when I was 15 then I went all hyper-masculine for a long time. Then last year the old desire reared it's head in a major way. I sought out other trans for guidance and help and even planned on starting to crossdress again (that's how I found this site).

Then I freaked out and completely gave up on the idea. And, well, that lasted a couple months and now I'm back. I'll go from being "I gotta do this, I gotta do this", to "What the hell am I doing, what the hell am I doing". And it sucks and I feel alone, cut off from all comunities. So seeing your post has given me real joy, in that I don't feel so alone anymore. I'm not the only one who has issues or second thoughts.

Thanks Ze.

[Stephanie Anne]

Hi Ze. I'm new here and this is actually my first post so YAY!

I completely indentify with what your saying. I've been battling myself since half past forever and I still feel like I'm spinnining my wheels. I'm a male by birth but want to be female. I can first remember feeling this way at the age of 5. Ok, so nothing new right.

Well, like you I have a lot of issues from childhood that I also don't want to get into, but let's just say, I'm not sure if my desire for womanhood is my own or was slowly imprinted upon me. I have gone back and forth many times in my sexual identity. I first tried crossdressing when I was 15 then I went all hyper-masculine for a long time. Then last year the old desire reared it's head in a major way. I sought out other trans for guidance and help and even planned on starting to crossdress again (that's how I found this site).

Then I freaked out and completely gave up on the idea. And, well, that lasted a couple months and now I'm back. I'll go from being "I gotta do this, I gotta do this", to "What the hell am I doing, what the hell am I doing". And it sucks and I feel alone, cut off from all comunities. So seeing your post has given me real joy, in that I don't feel so alone anymore. I'm not the only one who has issues or second thoughts.

Thanks Ze.

You are so not alone in that. I have to remind myself "you know, if you run, it just comes back..."

Doubts are part and parcel of the package especially when we have no exposure or feedback to what we are going through. Glad you found us and don't be afraid to let it out here.

[hopingsecret]

You are so not alone in that. I have to remind myself "you know, if you run, it just comes back..."

Doubts are part and parcel of the package especially when we have no exposure or feedback to what we are going through. Glad you found us and don't be afraid to let it out here.

Thanks so much. I defiantly plan on posting more here and seeking friends and advice. I think sites like this are great and look forward to talking to all of you.

[got2free.Ollie]

yay I got a cookie lol :P
I don't think any of that proves that you're not trans. You were trying to be a guy and it worked, I would've been ecstatic but I get why you feel guilty in tricking her.
I also feel sort of half hearted when I compare myself with the other 'gung-ho' and 'surgery or death' people, because I'd like to have the surgery but I'm a massive scaredy cat with an anxiety disorder who's petrified of neddles, blood tests, doctors and hospitals... O.O HIGHLY doubt I'll ever get that surgery sadly.
But really its completely in your hands in how you really feel and it does take a looong time to sort out thoughts and understand yourself, trust me, I've been bi since I was 6-7 but it took me 'til I was 16 to admit it out loud and until 18 to fully accept it. Things take time, changes can come quickly but for most people it takes time to think and understand and then finally to weigh the options and make a decision. Its a lengthy process but the outcome where you know what's going on is sooo worth it :)
I wish you the best of luck and hope that you don't beat yourself up for convincing that woman you were a guy. It was the purpose after all :)

[TxKimberly]

First off, I like white chocolate macadamia cookies so I'll be patiently waiting for mine OK?
Ze, you seem to be suffering quite a lot of self doubt these days. As much as this is probably gonna piss you off to hear it (it always irritated me when I was your age) I'm going to tell you that it has a lot to do with your age AND with being TG. At your age, everything is up in the air. Your life, your future, your education, your career, your social life, your love life, your identity. All of that confusion for your normal run-of-the-mill muggle of your age. Toss being TG on top of all of that and you have a serious force multiplier so confusion and uncertainty are hardly surprising.

I DO know what you mean and have been there myself. It doesn't happen often, but I have had men hold doors open for me and it fills me with mixed feelings. On the one hand it is affirmation that I am being perceived and treated as woman. On the other hand, i have felt guilty for it, feeling like I tricked them into giving me a gesture and courtesy that I didn't deserve.
So, as usual, all I can do is assure you that you are not alone in this either . . .

[fallen_rayne]

It heightens the denial and questioning because I'm not like "everybody else."

Aww, Ze, don't feel stupid we all feel like this at one point or another. I was up last night not being able to sleep thinking more or less the same thing. We've all been through this point at one time or another at various different ages. It seems like it's something you really want to attain and accomplish, so push onward and we'll give you all the moral support we can. :D


It's part of the Trans Paradox I've been writing on for the past semester, something I have yet to share in my writing thread on this forum. I've been hesitating because I'm afraid people would be quite angry with me. And that would kick up my questioning even more; people would be putting down the core of my being. My theories on sex and gender seem to be...different. I'm not secure enough yet to be challenged so deeply.

If you read this whole thing, you get a cookie.

Maybe one day you will be secure enough. Maybe one day you will truly be undoubtedly male, with the medical sciences being what they are. We've all been stuck in the trans paradox or been trap or stranded emotionally with no one to talk too. I, at times, find myself sitting up alone in my bed crying or trying to wish to whatever God would listen that i would be whole or nothing; something other then the half that I am. This is not an easy time and can last for monthes at a time. I hope for your swift aptitude of your problems at hand. Good luck with everything, and you can always turn back to us when these feelings return.

Also can i have that cookie now? :heehee:

[Pattie O]

Hi Ze,
I have never really conversed with a FtM person before in direct conversation but I found your thread incredibly interesting as I identify a lot with what you are saying and it seems to me that whether we are FtM or MtF there are many similarities in our journeys which must be related to societal stigmas attached to our personal identities.I have been feeling very perplexed at times ,I find myself crying a lot about the distress it can cause in my life but at the same time it feels just right when I can just be me!

Pattie

[Ze]

Hi Pattie. :) I'm both glad and sad that you're able to relate. Here's to us getting better, eh? :hugs:

[Stephenie S]

Wow, Ze, you really struck a chord with your OP, didn't you? Three pages of reponse in just a day or two.

Do you feel so alone now? I hope not.

You know how I feel about this. Ya just gotta DO it. And the more you DO it, the easier it gets.

Want a guy cut? Of course you do. Why? 'Cause yer a guy, right? (and a very handsome one at that) I think the suggestion about easing into this by going to a hair dresser is a good idea. Hair salons are VERY liberal places. They don't give a tinker's dam who you are or what you are. They see every kind of gender presentation there is. You aren't the first and you won't be the last. They just cut your hair and take your money. There IS a lot of testosterone in the average barber shop and I would stay away from them until you have some of your own.

By now, with all the answers to your OP, you must have figured out that we ALL feel the same questions and concerns that you have. The further along we get, the less they bother us. But there isn't ONE here on this forum who hasn't shared EXACTLY those doubts and fears. EVERY single one of us has.

You're just starting out. You are on the right road. You are fine. You will be fine. Just keep paddling. Many, many, of these feelings will go away when you start testosterone. You know that. But right now you have the absolute right to call yourself anything YOU want, to have any hair style you want, to open any doors for anyone you want, and to be addressed any way you want.

The phrase, "Excuse me, but I'm a guy", should roll off your tongue pretty easily by now. No one is gonna do it for you. You have to do it yourself. But the more you do it the easier it will get. And the more you do it, the firmer that concept will stick in your own mind, and the easier it will be for others to see it.

And they will see it. We see it here quite easily. But we have known no other Ze. We know your gender because we have known no other. Remember, no one you meet in Boston has known any other Ze either. So you are who you present yourself as to them. They don't know any other.

OK, I'm run out.

Your friend,
Stephenie

[Kieron Andrew]

You know how I feel about this. Ya just gotta DO it. And the more you DO it, the easier it gets.it does!! ive been telling him this until im blue in the face!

[Ze]

Thanks Stephenie. :) Yeah, this thread's actually a little older and since then I really have been feeling better due to some progress I've finally been able to make. :) But I really have gone to a barber since then and it was a great success story. I'm going there from now on!

[Stephenie S]

A BARBER!!!

Whoopee. Good for you. What did you think? Did any of the testosterone rub off on you? I think they keep it in jars on the counter.

Stephie

[Ze]

Did any of the testosterone rub off on you? I think they keep it in jars on the counter.

Is that what that blue stuff is? :heehee: Yeah, I really liked the cut and it's growing in well. I'll be going back soon. :)