Attraction and Loneliness

[SamanthaStMichaels]

For the past year I have been contemplating my relationships between women and men. I am married to a loving and accepting wife. Who knew about my gender issue before we were married and I love her very much.

Our relationship has gotten complicated. Mostly by money and my illness issues. It's now an open marriage. This part I'm still working out.

However since she is playing I am not. I am bi and as I think about this I find that I am not attracted to woman these days, (other than my wife) and I am extremely attracted to guys. But I do not want a relationship what so ever with them. I already have two sons that I take care of full time. :D I mean, if I ever get divorced and that's the vibe I'm getting. I don't want to be with a man, period. So if I am not to be with a woman, and not to be with a man. Then whats left? Just loneliness?

By the time I am done with my journey I will be a post op woman. I have considered relationships with pre op transsexuals. But once again I'm not sure. So I'm back to just being lonely again.

Has anyone else thought about this?

[Karen564]

All I can say at this point is, I'm concentrating more on my new career at the moment, which leaves about zilch time to even think of getting involved in another relationship at the moment.
Question is, am I lonely?...absbolutely Not, I don't have time to be lonely...lol

As far as not being sure what you like, all I can say is try them all on for size 1st & see what you like better...:heehee:

[Andy66]

Samantha, it's common for someone who has been in a long relationship to feel lost without one at first. But sometimes it's better to take a vacation from serious relationships for a while, to heal and get to know yourself again. I've been there... for six years and counting now. Sure I get lonely sometimes, but for me it's a small price to pay for peace and independence.

There's no reason you can't have friends, even "friends with benefits." On the other hand, don't let anyone pressure you into something you're not comfortable with. It will be okay in the end. :hugs:

[Katesback]

Sis I am post-op. I was single for well over a year AFTER my surgery. I was not looking. I was busy with my career, roller derby, and a host of other things.

Was I lonely? Sometimes.....but rarely. I actually enjoyed not having any obligations to anyone!

As far as you are concerned. Why not focus your time on YOU and personal development.

[pamela_a]

I'm sorry but I'm a little confused. First you say this
I am married to a loving and accepting wife. Who knew about my gender issue before we were married and I love her very much. then you complain about the lack of sex and say you are lonely. Which is it? You're loneley because she's not around to talk to and do things with or are you complaining because you don't have sex?

My wife of nearly 30 years passed away last October. Most of the time I come home to an empty house with no one to talk to or interact with. That is lonliness.

Pardon my intrepetation if I'm wrong but it sounds to me like you're issue is with the lack of sex.. and IMO that's got nothing to do with being lonely.

[ReineD]

For the past year I have been contemplating my relationships between women and men. I am married to a loving and accepting wife. Who knew about my gender issue before we were married and I love her very much.

Our relationship has gotten complicated. Mostly by money and my illness issues. It's now an open marriage. This part I'm still working out.

However since she is playing I am not. I am bi and as I think about this I find that I am not attracted to woman these days, (other than my wife) and I am extremely attracted to guys. But I do not want a relationship what so ever with them. I already have two sons that I take care of full time. :D I mean, if I ever get divorced and that's the vibe I'm getting. I don't want to be with a man, period. So if I am not to be with a woman, and not to be with a man. Then whats left? Just loneliness?

By the time I am done with my journey I will be a post op woman. I have considered relationships with pre op transsexuals. But once again I'm not sure. So I'm back to just being lonely again.

Has anyone else thought about this?

If your relationship with your wife is loving, then why do you have an open marriage? Is this both your decisions or just hers? Are you both still OK together in the bedroom, meaning are you both getting your needs met together sexually?

Also, if you find that you are getting more and more attracted to men, then why would you not want a relationship with a man? And if you are attracted to men then why consider a relationship with a TS, who is a woman, whether she is post or non-op?

[7sisters]

You come into this world alone and you leave it alone. Dont be afraid of being alone. According to buddhism, before you were reborn, you were alone for 50 days. You faced all your greatest fears in those days. You survived. The most difficult journey is the birth we take. Get yourself the Tibetan Book of the Dead. It is a must read.

Everything is destiny. Just immerse yourself in the 'NOW'. The future will take care of itself. Let me tell you how I cope. I have severe intimacy neurosis. I sabotage relationships. And the thought of connecting on a deeper level is unbearable. Thinking of it gives panic attacks.

I have not dated in 6 years and I was last in a relationship 11 years ago. What is really bad is that I fall in love as deeply and have the same needs for intimacy as everyone else who does not have my problem. In a year there maybe isolated moments lasting 30 days when it gets really gutwrenching and I cry and cry. Then the pain passes. Here is how I cope. I make sure I have a full life. The more we do for others, the more we do for ourselves. I have hobbies. I go for classes to learn new hobbies. Since I cannot have close friends to heart to heart with (but I still need people around me), I try to help small businesses ideate and solve their business problems, pro bono. Its a nice non threatening way to be around people. And I enjoy the job.

My point is that you can reach out to others and do things for them to kill your loneliness. And you can use this as an opportunity to learn new hobbies and self improvement as Katesback said. Just forget the future ... dont care for it... live in the now. All the best. I feel for you my friend. To quote someone "Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you turn your attention to other things, It comes and sits softly on your shoulder." Ditto for love.

[Melissa A.]

Just because someone has an open marriage, that doesn't necessarilly mean they don't have a loving relationship, or that they somehow have a troubled marriage. It's just a choice some people make. That notwithstanding, we all have different levels of what we consider "lonely". I know folks who jump from one relationship to another, never considering that some solitude for a time may be a good thing...As far as sex and gender is concerned, I find myself much, much more physically attracted to men these days, but I never say never...who someone really is and how I get along and connect with them is alot more important than what sex they were born into or present as. I realise not everyone can be so fluid with who they are attracted to. But I still do think people tend to worry too much about it and what it supposedly means.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[SamanthaStMichaels]

Sorry been away past few days. One of my HS facebook friends past suddenly and I have been depressed.


There's no reason you can't have friends, even "friends with benefits." On the other hand, don't let anyone pressure you into something you're not comfortable with. It will be okay in the end. :hugs:

My wife outed me to my friends. They haven't been the same since. Plus I spend most of my time taking care of my sons. I'm the stay at home parent. I am one of those that have lost myself in my family. I wouldn’t mind a friend with benefit myself. My problem is I wouldn’t know what to do with it if I had one. My brain has always told me “You have sex this way”. Problem is I don’t have the right body parts to do that. For me it’s not about sex. If I wanted sex I could get it, not a problem. But I think you are right. things will be ok in the end.


Sis I am post-op. I was single for well over a year AFTER my surgery. I was not looking. I was busy with my career, roller derby, and a host of other things.

Was I lonely? Sometimes.....but rarely. I actually enjoyed not having any obligations to anyone!

As far as you are concerned. Why not focus your time on YOU and personal development.

Oh kewl Roller Derby. We have a team up here. I have no clue as to who they are. I used to run professional wrestling shows in the same building. It is tempting not having any obligations. I so think of that often these days. I do attempt to focus on me these days. I was going back into professional wrestling until I discover my lumps. Now I am recouping from surgery. I have been involved with personal development and life coaching for over a decade. You can over come just about anything. Be successful in whatever you are trying to do. As soon as I am healthy and I get the green light from my doctor. Look out world I’m gonna kick butt.


Pardon my intrepetation if I'm wrong but it sounds to me like you're issue is with the lack of sex.. and IMO that's got nothing to do with being lonely.

You are right, lack of sex has nothing to do with loneliness. But an emotional connection with others does. This is where I am coming from. I feel emotionally detached at the moment.


If your relationship with your wife is loving, then why do you have an open marriage? Is this both your decisions or just hers? Are you both still OK together in the bedroom, meaning are you both getting your needs met together sexually?

Also, if you find that you are getting more and more attracted to men, then why would you not want a relationship with a man? And if you are attracted to men then why consider a relationship with a TS, who is a woman, whether she is post or non-op?

My wife accepts me for who I am. It is only fair that I accept my wife for who she is. She’s a sexual person I’m not. I’m not saying she’s a sex addict. But she has issues she wants to explore. Now that I am well, I am a lot less happy about it. Now I'm on the fence about it. Would I be unfair to not allow her to fulfill her own needs?

One of the reasons I am not interested in a relationship with men is that every man I have met just wants one thing from me and then they are done. I have gotten to the point that men assume I am on the internet just to service them. Many of them really come off this way to me and get promptly ignored.

I have considered other TS’s because I haven’t been in a relationship with one. Yes TS’s are woman, and I am bi so that works for me. I mostly want love, an emotional connection. I’m being emotionally starved right now.


You come into this world alone and you leave it alone. Dont be afraid of being alone. According to buddhism, before you were reborn, you were alone for 50 days. You faced all your greatest fears in those days. You survived. The most difficult journey is the birth we take. Get yourself the Tibetan Book of the Dead. It is a must read.

Everything is destiny. Just immerse yourself in the 'NOW'. The future will take care of itself. Let me tell you how I cope. I have severe intimacy neurosis. I sabotage relationships. And the thought of connecting on a deeper level is unbearable. Thinking of it gives panic attacks.

I have not dated in 6 years and I was last in a relationship 11 years ago. What is really bad is that I fall in love as deeply and have the same needs for intimacy as everyone else who does not have my problem. In a year there maybe isolated moments lasting 30 days when it gets really gutwrenching and I cry and cry. Then the pain passes. Here is how I cope. I make sure I have a full life. The more we do for others, the more we do for ourselves. I have hobbies. I go for classes to learn new hobbies. Since I cannot have close friends to heart to heart with (but I still need people around me), I try to help small businesses ideate and solve their business problems, pro bono. Its a nice non threatening way to be around people. And I enjoy the job.

My point is that you can reach out to others and do things for them to kill your loneliness. And you can use this as an opportunity to learn new hobbies and self improvement as Katesback said. Just forget the future ... dont care for it... live in the now. All the best. I feel for you my friend. To quote someone "Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you turn your attention to other things, It comes and sits softly on your shoulder." Ditto for love.

Before I recovered from my illness I did study Buddhism. Prior to that I was as pagan as pagan gets. I try to remain mindful, but years of damage from aspartame poisoning has taken its toll on me. I have to re-train my mind almost from scratch. Not an easy task when it is damaged. I am forgetful, distracted, and unfocused all the time. Some days are better than others. Prior to my poisoning I was focused, and determined. I was a successful Pro wrestler on TV. I even held regional titles.

Then the panic attacks started, I was afraid of everything, I was in pain all the time. Unfortunately it took me almost 10 years to make the connection between what was happening to me and what I was consuming. I might as well been doing cocaine or heroin, I was self-destructing. It’s one thing to be on something an watch your life fall apart, it’s another to be on something and not knowing it, and watching your life fall apart.

Now I am just trying to put my world back together. I am developing a line of hypnosis MP3 that I am going to sell online within a few weeks. Afterwards I am going to open an Internet café. I want to get back into film and TV production again. Right now I’m just trying to get healthy. Only a few more day until I can exercise again.


Just because someone has an open marriage, that doesn't necessarilly mean they don't have a loving relationship, or that they somehow have a troubled marriage. It's just a choice some people make. That notwithstanding, we all have different levels of what we consider "lonely". I know folks who jump from one relationship to another, never considering that some solitude for a time may be a good thing...As far as sex and gender is concerned, I find myself much, much more physically attracted to men these days, but I never say never...who someone really is and how I get along and connect with them is alot more important than what sex they were born into or present as. I realise not everyone can be so fluid with who they are attracted to. But I still do think people tend to worry too much about it and what it supposedly means.

Yeah I agree. Open marriages are a life style for some. My wife dragged me to a swinger get together a while back in a restaurant. It was a packed place. I mostly sat their nursing a drink, watching everything. I spent most of my time giggling watching people doing things I would never do in public. In fact they weren’t suppose to be doing it in the restaurant at all. I know I’ll never eat there. LOL

I’m not sure my marriage is in trouble or not. It was loving relationship at one time. I’m not sure if it’s the money woes as she says it is, or she isn’t being honest and her feelings are somewhere else. She tends to pull away from me emotionally when she isn’t happy. Problem is what isn’t she happy about me or the money. Hopefully my hypnosis MP3 sell well and take some of the pressure off our marriage or at least sell well enough so I can determine that it’s not about the money.

[ReineD]

Samantha, you have a lot on your plate and I am sorry for everything you've gone through. :hugs:

I'll be candid, and I hope I do not offend you. But you do sound like a warm and caring person and if swinging is not your thing, then would having a sexual relationship with someone else while you are living with your wife be any easier? You also say that your libido is not as high as your wife's, you are not attracted to GGs, and you are transitioning.

I honestly don't want to hurt your feelings, but did your wife start seeking sex elsewhere because it was no longer working out between you? Are you staying together for the finances and the kids? You say that being with men who see you as a one-night stand turns you off, so it appears as if you are looking for a long term sexual/romantic relationship, which is no longer possible with your wife (or any other GG).

Maybe it is best to continue to focus on rebuilding your life, your financial independence, so that you can move on and be free to first get to know yourself again, and then seek the type of romantic relationship that you need.

It must be a difficult situation. I've no doubt you and your wife share all kinds of wonderful memories. You have your kids together, and I'm sure there is a deep emotional attachment between the two of you. But this is apparently not enough to continue to live as husband and wife. You did say that your wife is beginning to speak of divorce?

Your situation is difficult indeed. I wish you all the best but for now, I would not complicate matters with a new romantic relationship. Not until you are free.

[SamanthaStMichaels]

It is difficult, if it wasn’t that I studied personal development the entire time I was ill I would have gave up a long time ago. It’s one thing to have GID, and then have Aspartame poisoning which is considered “The great internet myth”. So I have two things that the NORMAL PEOPLE consider a mental issue. Monsantos the company that make aspartame has spent billion promoting their product as safe. When aspartame has 92 different side effects, some mimicking other diseases. The FDA is well aware of it, but refuses to investigate the complaints. I used to be a trangender activist, but now I am a anti aspartame activist. Being transgender didn’t ruin my life, but aspartame did. So all you people stop consuming products with aspartame!!! :D

I’m not looking for a sexual relationship. If it happens it happens. As far as these questions


I honestly don't want to hurt your feelings, but did your wife start seeking sex elsewhere because it was no longer working out between you? Are you staying together for the finances and the kids? You say that being with men who see you as a one-night stand turns you off, so it appears as if you are looking for a long term sexual/romantic relationship, which is no longer possible with your wife (or any other GG).

I really can’t answer them. Unless she is honest with me about what is going on in her head. Because for me I want to stay married. If our issues all money related. I’ll eventually fix that when I get back on my feet. My main concern is the kids.

My personally feelings is that she fell in love with her "Friend with benefits" and won't admit it to herself. I see it, she doesn't. She kids me about divorce a lot. Does she want one? I feel she does, but she is always saying "I am just kidding". Even if she wants one, neither of us have the money for a divorce, and she is most likely afraid that I would get the kids. In PA even if I give her permission to have extra marital affairs it's still against her. So again another problem for her. That's what my intuition tells me.

I’m married, in a relationship and feel lonely. It’s almost like being roommates.

[Melissa A.]

My wife outed me to my friends. They haven't been the same since.



My wife accepts me for who I am.



If she accepts you, why would she do something like that? To me, that's about as crappy as crappy gets.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[ReineD]

She kids me about divorce a lot.

I’m married, in a relationship and feel lonely. It’s almost like being roommates.

Divorce is not a kidding situation. Either the two of you want to be in a marital relationship together, or you don't. Some people do have open marriages, but it is what they both want. The marriage is still the primary sexual relationship and the lovers are secondary.

It doesn't sound as if you're OK with her having a lover, so something's gotta give.
:hugs:

[7sisters]

Samantha best of luck with your new business ventures. Sometimes the road in life is rough, but if you keep walking you will walk to someplace better. You shall be in my prayers.

[SamanthaStMichaels]

If she accepts you, why would she do something like that? To me, that's about as crappy as crappy gets.

She was with a friend of mine who was having gender issues. F to M in this case. So she revealed my secret. I don’t think she was being malicious. Back then we had no problems. Our relationship was good then. This happened long before the current situation.

But this friend has loose lips. Plus she was in the same industry. Yes many of the people I worked with and for know about my issues now. I am treated much differently, but still welcome to hang out. It’s just not the same as it was prior to my push out of the closet. Maybe they don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know.


Divorce is not a kidding situation.
It doesn't sound as if you're OK with her having a lover, so something's gotta give.


The kidding about divorce is not fun. It’s like scratching a chalkboard. Like I said I was OK with it when I was sick, now not so much, but I am adjusting to it and growing a thick skin. But I am getting resentful and bitter about it.

I guess the only way to get out of this is to continue to go through it until we reach the end of this chapter. In the end I will be wealthy, be done with transition, and be living somewhere new (I hate it here). We will be together or we won’t. Her choice, I am willing to work things out. But right now I’m in a bad situation.

Thank 7sisters and good luck with your ventures. May they all be successful.

[TNRobin]

I don't know if this will be of any help at all to you, but I'll add it anyway. I'm in a relationship and have been for over 2 years. She's very accepting of my need to crossdress and actually enjoys it, but recently I've been considering HRT and taking things further as I feel that there's something wrong with be being a man. We talked about this briefly once and she said that she was fine with it, but now that I'm actually considering it, it seems that she's not so fond of the idea and recently wrote me a long e-mail about how she started and fell in love with Robert and while she's bi she wants a man, me, and not a full time Helen. So now things are getting more interesting for lack of a better word than I'd like for them to get. My interest in sex has pretty much disappeared, for what reason I do not know since I'm not on HRT or anti-androgens yet, but she has a very high sex drive. Needless to say that's created a lot of friction in our relationship. She's tried to talk about it with me, but there's really not anything that I have to say about it since I'm not sure where my journey is taking me and I can't answer any questions that she asks. It's a very confusing time for me as well as her. At the very least we'll still remain friends, but like yourself I don't want a relationship with a man. In other words, I'm just plain confused about who I am and it's not helping her at all.

Like I said at the beginning, I don't know if that helps you at all, but at least you know that there are others out there that have the same or similiar problems as yourself. If you'd ever like to talk about it one on one just PM me and we'll see just how much we can confuse each other. :hugs:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You have alot going on ...its in your best interest to seperate things and try to focus on what is most important to you..
when your health is bad, it impacts everything,

when you are trans, it impacts everything

when your relationship is not working, it impacts everything..

and on it goes...if you can focus on one thing as a priority it may help simplify things

[SamanthaStMichaels]

I don't know if this will be of any help at all to you, but I'll add it anyway. I'm in a relationship and have been for over 2 years. She's very accepting of my need to crossdress and actually enjoys it, but recently I've been considering HRT and taking things further as I feel that there's something wrong with be being a man. We talked about this briefly once and she said that she was fine with it, but now that I'm actually considering it, it seems that she's not so fond of the idea and recently wrote me a long e-mail about how she started and fell in love with Robert and while she's bi she wants a man, me, and not a full time Helen. So now things are getting more interesting for lack of a better word than I'd like for them to get. My interest in sex has pretty much disappeared, for what reason I do not know since I'm not on HRT or anti-androgens yet, but she has a very high sex drive. Needless to say that's created a lot of friction in our relationship. She's tried to talk about it with me, but there's really not anything that I have to say about it since I'm not sure where my journey is taking me and I can't answer any questions that she asks. It's a very confusing time for me as well as her. At the very least we'll still remain friends, but like yourself I don't want a relationship with a man. In other words, I'm just plain confused about who I am and it's not helping her at all.

Like I said at the beginning, I don't know if that helps you at all, but at least you know that there are others out there that have the same or similiar problems as yourself. If you'd ever like to talk about it one on one just PM me and we'll see just how much we can confuse each other. :hugs:

My wife knew before we were married I planned on transitioning. The only thing that was debated was the GRS. She likes it, I hate it and I want the GRS. So she knew where everything stood prior to saying I do. In fact she had three years to think it over.


You have alot going on ...its in your best interest to seperate things and try to focus on what is most important to you..
when your health is bad, it impacts everything,

when you are trans, it impacts everything

when your relationship is not working, it impacts everything..

and on it goes...if you can focus on one thing as a priority it may help simplify things

I need to get away from the impacts!

I say we all finish our transitions and buy an tropical island in the pacific. Where we rule. We can call it Transtasy Island. It could be a hot vacation spot. We could make a killing.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Sam

that Transasty Island place is actually inside you

It's not a fantasy at all.

[SamanthaStMichaels]

Hi Sam

that Transasty Island place is actually inside you

It's not a fantasy at all.

But where's the beaches? :D