Letting fear control me

[StaceyJane]

I've gotten a lot of comments about how brave I am from people who have seen my videos. I've gone out to a lot of public places en femme and had a good time doing it.
But the fact is I don't feel brave, in many ways I am so scared. Scared to admit to my family or even my therapist how much I truly want to be a woman.
I feel great when I go out as Stacey and I've been doing it more and more but in my heart I know it's not what I want. I truly need to be a woman and have for my entire life.
I keep on telling myself that I can be happy just crossdressing, going out a couple of times a week but I know it's not the same as being a woman.
I tell my therapist the same. That I can find balance between the male and female parts of me. But the fact is I don't want to be male and never have.
Fear still controls me in this one area.

And I hate that it does.

[Faith_G]

The beginning of my transition was when I decided to stop letting fear control my actions and just do what needed to be done. That was easy to say but really hard to do, I was almost pants-wetting scared at first.

It gets better though. :happy:

After a couple months of FTEW (Full-time except work) the fear went away. For me at least, all the terrible stuff I was afraid would happen never happened - and that let most of the air out of the inflatable fear monster. I learned to trust that God was leading me in the right direction. God wants me to be a complete and happy woman not a miserable creature hiding in a basement.

After telling my family, my "Give a crap" factor went down even lower. I truly don't care who knows what at this point because they will all find out the truth eventually. Scary as it is, level with everyone who needs to know. It might really suck short-term but it will set you free from the fear.

Being scared and doing it anyway is true courage. I have been where you are and I know you can get through it. :hugs:

[sandra-leigh]

There are at least two kinds of bravery: there is standing up to fears and doing things that you expect might go badly -- and there is just doing what you have to do, when what you have to do is something that someone else would probably have backed down from.

Some people think I am brave to go around as I do, but I am doing what I have to do. It is true, though, that getting to the point of wearing what I do, required some of the "standing up to your fears" type of bravery. I don't think I ever "conquered" those fears, but they did go away, probably because I needed to do those things.

[noeleena]

Hi.Stacey

Or is that a fear of your self as a female / woman. & not being able to admit you are. If you are then you wont have any fear , you see we can have fear of doing some thing or trying some thing different .
you will know deep down in side of your self that you are a woman . no doughts no fears , nothing that can stop you from being your self yet we can & do put stumbling blocks in front of our selfs & make that a fear.
For some of us there is a balance for sure . im not a girl e girl , im a mix of both male & female . just because im missing a few parts does not stop me from being a woman. i live as a woman im accepted as one & no regrets. nore will there ever be i am just who i am.

I just put a pic up of Jos & my self in the album s & the boy verse girl mode , taken a few years ago & im not much different then from now yet im accepted ,

Ill tell you now you have to be strong , in telling every one i did & i let them in to my life & they accepted me as a person & then as a woman .
just be sure that this is how you see your self no doughts what ever . because it can be very hard i know iv been through it & after 8 years of hell you sure do find out what your made of, after 12 i can say its all been worth the struggles & hard ships. & even now we are still getting there. i wont say its easy its not,
so be prepared ,what i do see is your afraid of your self not of whats around you just you. that will hold you back. step out & dont look back.
All the best ,

...noeleena...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Stacey..

I liked Sandra's comment...

for me it was more like survival instinct...i was trapped in the attic, the house and attic were on fire, and it was sit there and burn or run through the fire...i honestly did not feel i made a conscious decision to transition..it just happened..

someone mentioned this analogy years ago, and i think its a good one... you may know the fire is coming, but its only downstairs now, you really can get out now, but its so fricking scary you just hope and hope that you won't have to run through that fire...its human nature to wait until you know you absolutely have to do it..

and its true that after you do it, you really do make it, you realize you have nothing more to fear, and you can just do the difficult nuts and bolts things to have the best quality of life as a woman..you don't have to conquer the fear anymore, because its not scary anymore..

[Diane Elizabeth]

There are many that have the fear so bad that it paralysises them into no action. Full of doubt of everything (not just CD/TG). I, as a male, have never learned to live life. I, as Starla Dyan, am begining to learn to live (or at least trying I think). The fear of living is carried over into the female side of me. I am working with my therapist to come out of the shadows of fear and live as I WANT to live. As I NEED to live. This is not easy even for those without the additional burdens that I fear. I am sure many out there all feel the fear of losing family and friends and job. There is so much more out there that keeps one from doing the right thing.

Besides the lost of family and friends what are your fears? I fear myself. I fear what others think of me. I fear not being accepted in society. I fear the mockery. I fear my doubts of life. I fear for who I am and who I am not. I fear having nowhere to go. The fear of life.

I have known of these fears for years and have not done much to overcome them. Like trying to crawl uphill with a ton of rocks on your back. One just can't succeed that way. Now I am with another therapist and trying to get rid of that ton of rocks.

I am sure there are others with their fears. Please feel free to list them.

I envy those that can be so ccarefree about their life and shrug off their critics. I hope one day that I can do that and live my life my way too.

Sorry this turned out to be soooo long. And for hi jacking StacyJane's thread.

[AKAMichelle]

You are experiencing the way many of us feel everyday. Whether we admit it or not. Everybody deals with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of asking our boss for a raise. Fear of flying or meeting new people. Fear of going out the door dressed. We all experience fear of some kind in our life. When you look at people on the sidewalk they are envious of anybody who overcomes their fears. In many cases they are afraid of anyone who conquers fear because they can't conquer their fears. They are a slave to their fears and they know it. They want to be like you the conquerer of fear, but they are too afraid.

I dealt with fear for 2 years which was running my life and my business. I was always the person who showed no fear. Who didn't care what others thought. All of a sudden it hit me in 2006. All of a sudden a person who feared nothing was the biggest scaredy cat in the world. Then in January of 2007 I decided that I was no longer going to be controlled by fear. I finally told my wife the big secret that I was TG. I didn't know where that decision was going to take me but I did it anyway. We separated in June of 2007 and I finally began my journey of finding who I was. My business began to recover. My shattered life was beginning to be put back together. Now in 2010 with the worse recession in decades, I turned my business around from nothing to almost what it was pre-2006.

It takes a lot of courage to do something which you know will change your life and you can't see the end result. Sometimes a decision will cause so many problems that you will wonder why you made that decision. That's ok to question yourself, but you must begin to think of your happiness. Let others who can't accept go and find their happiness just as you need to find the things that make you the happiest.

You can do this. You can become a woman. Only a RLE will show you the way. It may be hard but you can get there. They are just a bunch of little steps which you can do one by one.

[Diane Elizabeth]

Thank you Michelle for your words of encouragement. I applaud you in finding the courage to overcome your fears and turning your business around. I hope to find that courage in me too someday.

[Rianna Humble]

I've gotten a lot of comments about how brave I am from people who have seen my videos. I've gone out to a lot of public places en femme and had a good time doing it. But the fact is I don't feel brave, in many ways I am so scared. Scared to admit to my family or even my therapist how much I truly want to be a woman.


There are at least two kinds of bravery: there is standing up to fears and doing things that you expect might go badly -- and there is just doing what you have to do, when what you have to do is something that someone else would probably have backed down from.

:yt: :iagree:

People have told me I'm brave and when I tell them how scared I am but I'm doing something because I can't live without doing it, they explain what Sandra said and I understand at least intellectually. Inside I still know that I've only acted because I had no choice.


I feel great when I go out as Stacey and I've been doing it more and more but in my heart I know it's not what I want. I truly need to be a woman and have for my entire life.

I keep on telling myself that I can be happy just crossdressing, going out a couple of times a week but I know it's not the same as being a woman.

I tell my therapist the same. That I can find balance between the male and female parts of me. But the fact is I don't want to be male and never have.

Fear still controls me in this one area.

And I hate that it does.

You really do need to be straight with your therapist - even admit your fear - it's the only way she can help you.

It's OK to be afraid - in fact I'd be worried if you were not, but it's what you do about that fear that will determine whether you fulfil your dream or not.

You have made a good start by sharing about your fear with us, lean on our support and discuss it with your therapist. I'm sure that together you will be able to find your way through the fear and into your real life.

[sandra-leigh]

Inside I still know that I've only acted because I had no choice.

In this city we have a homeless man who has twice in the last 2 years jumped into the river in dangerous situations to rescue someone. He says that he wasn't brave, and I know what he means: he felt he was doing what he needed to do. So was he brave, or was he not brave?

At times I have been quite sick, and getting on the city bus to go to work was almost too much for me but I made myself do it. Taking a 25 minute bus ride is nothing special to most people, but I was facing up to my fears and going on -- I was being brave.

One can be brave in mundane situations, and one can do extraordinary things in situations without feeling brave at all.

Some days it feels easier to go along with the typical and to smolder inside, and some days it feels easier to dress as one needs to instead of going along.

Some days I put on a skirt or dress before I leave home, and I change into less obvious clothes a couple of blocks from work, feeling kind of sick that I have to change back. Some people might say that I'm giving in to my fear by changing back, that if I were to overcome my fears, I would just openly wear the skirt or dress to work. I don't know if I would agree: there is fear, and there is realism.

[Super Amanda]

When you look at people on the sidewalk they are envious of anybody who overcomes their fears. In many cases they are afraid of anyone who conquers fear because they can't conquer their fears. They are a slave to their fears and they know it. They want to be like you the conqueror of fear, but they are too afraid.



Wow, this is like the most inspirational thing I've read in years!

I never could put that idea into words as you have, but it is so true. Words to live by! :)

[Traci Elizabeth]

Fear is also a good thing. It's a self-preservation mechanism. Don't try to totally eliminate your fears just try to control them. Let your fears "serve" you not be your master.

If you don't pass, barely pass, or only sometimes pass it is even more important that you allow fear to be at least part of your awareness as it maybe the one thing that alerts you to avoid a particular situation or from doing something you ought not do.

[Karen564]

It's times like this that I wish I kept a daily journal, so I could look back on how I changed...because I have changed so much from then to present..

I think it's very much like Kaitlyn said, it's the instinct to survive.....
When I was part time, I'm not sure if it was really fear or more like apprehension..either way, it was a feeling of discomfort when going out..but knew I could revert back anytime...
But when I went full time, I then had no choice left, because there was no reverting back, and that gave me the drive I needed to push myself out the door everyday, whether I felt pretty or not, because I do have those days where I don't feel so pretty, but regardless, I can't stay home & hide when I have an obligation to be somewhere & be there on time, I'm sure every girl that's living full time knows exactly what I'm talking about, so again, whether we like or not, we face the world, do our thing, life goes on..and the next day we do it all over again...
So I guess we just push those fears or apprehensions aside out of nessisity..and our strong will to survive...

But believe me, I still have butterflies in my stomach at times like when I leave my house for school, since my house in right next to the town park/sports field, and what seems like the whole town (ok, a hundred+, lol) are outside my door every day around 5pm watching the games going on, (my town & surrounding towns teams play baseball here) with many of those parents & teenagers knowing I once used to be a guy, watching me as I exit my door, I see more the heads turn, as I'm walking down my steps, but keep my chin up, but nobody says a word, and I leave for school..then get to interact with all my classmates for the next 4 hours, then hit the road again, and by the time I get back, it's late, dark, and everyone is gone..and all peaceful again...
So if that alone didn't give me conviction & strong will, nothing on this earth will....and I wouldn't trade my new life for the world..
:battingeyelashes:

[AKAMichelle]

The key to getting over fear of people is to remember they put on their pants the same you do. They are no different than you. They have their own hangups and fears to deal with. They put on a show once they leave the house because you have to look like you know what you are doing to be taken seriously. That's why 20 somethings have it hard in the business world gaining acceptance. Everyone thinks they are just know it alls, but they perserve and eventually they are ones with the wisdon. They grow old and seem to have the answers for others.

Real life fears are so connected to us transitioning or going out of the house dressed for the first time. They are the same beatable fears that everyone faces. Fear just affects whichever area in your life where it can gain the upper hand. Give fear a swift kick in the ass and be done with it. It's your life so do something with it.

[Rianna Humble]

The key to getting over fear of people is to remember they put on their pants the same you do.

In a negotiating course, one suggestion for overcoming fear of another person was to picture them stood before you barefoot and in just their underwear :eek: but I digress.

Stacey started this thread with a very important observation about letting her fear control her. Despite what she says there, she is brave to share that with us. If we are able to reason with ourselves over our fears, then we can do as Traci enjoins us and control our fears rather than letting them control us.

I had to do that last Tuesday when I went to see a doctor about my gender identity and I am so glad that I did.

[StaceyJane]

Thanks to everyone for you replies.

I've come a long way in just the past year but I have so much farther to go.
I've been going out to public places as Stacey and really enjoying it but doing that and coming out that I want SRS is still a big step.

[GypsyKaren]

Feel the fear, then do it anyway. If you fail, do it again until you find the way that works for you...and everyone's afraid at some point, don't let anyone bullshit you by saying otherwise, we all feel fear and we all stub our toes, just keep moving with your head up and a smile on and you'll be fine.

GK

[AKAMichelle]

Just like Karen said. Keep going and never give up. You will get there. We are the cheerleaders cheering you on to your life's dreams.

[AmandaM]

Fear is the real darkness. It's okay to be scared, everybody gets scared of one thing or another. Fear is when it paralyzes you, stops you from doing something you want or need to do.

It's a hard thing to overcome. I feel it too.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

There are many that have the fear so bad that it paralysises them into no action. Full of doubt of everything (not just CD/TG). I, as a male, have never learned to live life. I, as Starla Dyan, am begining to learn to live (or at least trying I think). The fear of living is carried over into the female side of me. I am working with my therapist to come out of the shadows of fear and live as I WANT to live. As I NEED to live. This is not easy even for those without the additional burdens that I fear. I am sure many out there all feel the fear of losing family and friends and job. There is so much more out there that keeps one from doing the right thing.

Besides the lost of family and friends what are your fears? I fear myself. I fear what others think of me. I fear not being accepted in society. I fear the mockery. I fear my doubts of life. I fear for who I am and who I am not. I fear having nowhere to go. The fear of life.

I have known of these fears for years and have not done much to overcome them. Like trying to crawl uphill with a ton of rocks on your back. One just can't succeed that way. Now I am with another therapist and trying to get rid of that ton of rocks.

I am sure there are others with their fears. Please feel free to list them.

I envy those that can be so ccarefree about their life and shrug off their critics. I hope one day that I can do that and live my life my way too.

Sorry this turned out to be soooo long. And for hi jacking StacyJane's thread.

:hugs:

[BRANDYJ]

Just a thought...Maybe this fear some of us have is good in so much as it keeps us in check and does not allow us to do something that will out us to our employers, co-workers, friends and family that we know will cause us to either be fired, humiliated or shunned by some friends and family that simply can not or will not accept us for their own lack of education and understanding about anything other then Jerry Springer type shows that make us all look like idiots.
I know I would not pass in public... at least in daylight. I have in a dark club, but that is only clubs where I know being transgendered is accepted. no way do I want to make a fool of myself in public. I envy those that can pass in most situations. When and if I could blend in, I might lose that fear. For now, I'm glad it keeps my desires in check. I'm happy with me the way it is. I am one that will always care what others think or feel about me.

[Diane Elizabeth]

I know that some fear keeps us in check from doing foolish things. Fear of pain/ scarring from touching a hot stove. Fear of jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. Sane ideas like that. Fear of losing your job over dressing though. I know everyone needs a job and all. But isn't that also the fear of what others will say or think..... fear of going out in public without passing.

Yesterday I went to WallyWorld with no make up. I wore earings, breastforms, jeans and flats. I also wore a sweatshirt. I am sure that I confused a few people there. I saw some stares at me. But as scared as I was of those stares, and a cashier that didn't "sir" or "mam" me, I survived the trip. I don't know if I will have the courage to try that again or not.

I find my courage from listening to the feelings and stories of bravery on this website. God Bless the people that run Crossdresss.com. without it I don't know where I would be.

[sandra-leigh]

Fear of losing your job over dressing though. I know everyone needs a job and all. But isn't that also the fear of what others will say or think..... fear of going out in public without passing.

Not necessarily. In my case at my job, it isn't much concern about what people will say or think, but instead that it would be temporarily disruptive of my workplace. My workplace is not overly concerned about what I wear, but my going to work dressed were to result in (say) a third of the workplace losing (say) 15 or 30 minutes of work while people processed the idea or gossiped about it, then the local head of the organization would likely hold that loss of productivity against me. The saavy worker knows not to provoke a potential problem, even if the matter is technically within their rights, as it is also the "right" of the management to decide not to renew an individual's contract.

The same problem kind of problem would arise if I were to send a Letter to the Editor on any of a large number of topics. I was expressing concern about this a few weeks ago, and my boss said distinctly that "It would be a good way to get fired."

[StaceyJane]

My therapist and I had a long talk about this today.