The time has come the walrus said -

[Ellen James]

Well to my own surprise, and I expect to the approval of many here, I've come to the decision that it is time to "come out" to my SO. :straightface:

I'd already told her that I am bi - but hesitated to tell her that I also cd. After all, this is so new to me compared to many of you girls that I hesitate to even claim to be a cross dressers - I don't even own a pair of shoes! :o

However, I was pleased and even impressed by her response to my one admission - and we've had several conversations since that even suggest she might already know or at least guess. For one, she spotted the fact that my nails looked different (no color but I've been letting them grow out abit and have been using clear nail strengthener to fight some splitting issues). Then today, while sitting at a sidewalk cafe she pointed out the shoes that three girls walking by were wearing. The ladies were all wearing heels ranging from a narrow at least 3 inch spike to a more substantial but just about as high heel. When the shoes finally came into view, I was judging them by which ones I might be able to wear!:daydreaming:

I just said would talk to her later about the shoes - ( probably while we have a rather different conversation at home!:)

[mklinden2010]

I don't know why you haven't haven't had a flood of "You go girl!" comments yet, but congratulations on moving forward.

Perhaps it is the "bi" bit of what you said.

Fine bi me. But, it may be why you have so few comments for your coming out notice.

Still, it's interesting that a lot of women - who have mostly been thinking about sex with men most of their mature lives and are used to how all that can work - don't seem to have as many problems - right off the cuff - with an SO having "bi sex" on their mind as they do with "their" man being a, er, uh, umm, a, uh, coorroosssdrrrressser.

Maybe they "get it" that sex may just be sex and it's really only a small part of life and relationships. Many relationships seem to go along well enough with no or not-so-great sex, but not a lot of sex lasts very long without a good or "pretty good" long-term friendship.

Sex, I think, women can understand and process into their lives. (Even guy on guy sex, is "just" sex at some point.) The desire (and the ability), in any event, comes and goes; it doesn't mean all that much, all things considered, in a good long-term relationship. If you can manage to behave most of the time... It's the totality of the time and experience you put in all things, not just in bed. Thinking ahead, consider that when you're "old and gray" you may not be jumping in bed together as much as you used to, but there's still breakfast talk, long walks, shopping for dinner, traveling, movie talk, and all that couples stuff... A life with someone...

Being strictly gay, on the other hand, is a literal fork in the road. If you want to be with men, in all things, then there's no room in that life, or, very little, for her. If you're gay and into men, well, you (you and she) are basically "done." But, if you're just into, "some sex," maybe she's got something to work with...

Your SO will probably find your CDing a footnote of sorts to your recent "bi" revelation.

I generally think it's better just to tell people you are gay or bi to start with - get that out of the way (it's a free country) - and then "express" that mostly with CDing.

"Oh, if that's all you're up to next weekend, have a good time!"

[kimdl93]

I can't say if the lack of comments thus far is significant - I was out enjoying the weekend. I do agree that if your SO is ok with the Bi- side of your sexuality, then it probably won't be a big deal for her to accept your cross dressing.

I speak from personal experience. I told my SO (now my wife) about my bi side and CDing early in our relationship. Neither was a problem. Perhaps that's just because she's open minded and just an all round great person...but as MK suggests maybe to women...sex (with whomever) is just one small part of a relationship. I have found this true in my life. I hope that it's the same for you.

[EnglishRose]

There'll probably be a ton more comments once you do tell her :)

[Sarah Doepner]

I wish you the best of luck and love as you and your wife move forward. These are difficult issues for many of us so be kind and try to follow your heart.

[StacyCD]

If she accepts your bi side, crossdressing shouldn't be a problem. My SO is worried about bi tendencies because I crossdress.

[Ellen James]

Actually I don't feel like Eeyore at all. :) I wasn't really expecting an outpouring of support (but thanks everyone!:D) and I think I really posted the news so that I wouldn't backslide :o - after all, as many of you pointed out I have a rather easier path to follow here than many and my expectations and aspirations are more limited. Being happily married already to an accepting spouse spares me many of the challenges with which many other girls here are confronted. In some ways, my biggest hurdle was my own admission to myself and examination of what to do with that new knowledge in my particular circumstances. I enjoy this forum because the patience and encouragement and support that are shared here on the part of girls facing my greater issues than I helps me deal with things in my own life as I learn how to get on with it! :battingeyelashes:

I will definitely let everyone know how it comes out!

[Mea GG]

If she accepts your bi side, crossdressing shouldn't be a problem. My SO is worried about bi tendencies because I crossdress.

My thinking exactly. If she accepts bi, she most likely would be OK with CD.

Good luck! :thumbsup:

[BRANDYJ]

Hi Ellen. Interesting. You had already told your wife you are bi, yet feared telling her you are a CD. I would have thought telling her you were bi would have been a bigger hurdle then telling her you are bi. I would think this would be true of most bi crossdressers.

[Ellen James]

We've actually had gay friends and neighbors, and a gay minister, so I really had little doubt about her reaction on that point. However, having someone closer to home cross-dress seemed a little farther beyond what we've experienced as normal in the past - perhaps that was a reflection or a mirror imaging on my part of the process of figuring that out about myself.

[Mea GG]

Yeah, but still, I totally accept gay/bi guys as friends or family members, but I wouldn't let myself marry one.

The crossdressing is unusual to most people--most of it on TV for example is done for comic effect.

But, it seems like she's very accepting so should be all cool, I hope!

[mklinden2010]

Glad to hear you're calm and that things are likely to proceed well.

Life should be smooth.

The granting of the "gay thing" is really an ice breaker when it come to discussing CDing with just about anyone. "Gay" they get. "Bi" they get.

But, even gays and lesbians are confused about crossdressing - and I think because most crossdressers are confused about it.

Here's the thing ladies - and gentlemen:

If you're gonna look like a duck, walk like a duck, and quack like a duck, allow to yourself and others that you could be a duck - at least on any given Tuesday.

However you want to slice and dice it, crossdressing is an "alternate (life-long) life style" with personal preferences about who, when, where, how, why, etc.

I think it aligns more with gay issues, personally. And, from my "out" experience with most people, they seem fine with the idea too.

Don't play alone, join a league!

[Ellen James]

Well, finally found the moment - and the nerve - last night to tell my SO and come out of the closet to her!! :D

As hoped and as many here predicted, it went well and everything is fine. It certainly eases my mind. (She laughed when I reminded her about the three young ladies' shoes we saw last weekend and told her that I looked as she suggested but found myself trying to decide which of the three pairs on that walking display I might be able to wear!)

I'm still of the mind that each girl here has to decide for herself when, where, and to whom to come out to - but I can say that it's worth the risk when you get acceptance of who you are in return. I hope you get the chance to have that. :)

And thanks to everyone one the forum for the encouragement provided by your examples as you live your lives!!

[victoriamwilliams1]

Congrats on the positive acceptance. :)

[DonniDarkness]

cool ellen....now comes the shopping!!! Go get yourself (and her) something nice to wear to celebrate!! Have fun!!

[Tina B.]

Now it's time to go get those shoes! Just don't abuse all that new found support.
Tina B.

[JenniferB]

I'd already told her that I am bi - but hesitated to tell her that I also cd.
As if hearing that someone is bi is "less" startling than hearing someone cd's? Sorry, but I just don't understand the logic there.

[CharleneT]

Two things to be careful about. Now that you have told her, don't expand what you are doing and how much around her suddenly. Even though she has accepted "it", she is still processing the info. It will take a while. Which brings us to the other "thing": many SO's are very accepting at first and then seemingly change their minds and go the other way. Expect it, it is part of a fairly normal pattern of their understanding of you and CD'ing. Remember, she didn't know this when you got attached and in her mind you just changed a lot. Be patient and avoid the pink fog.

Congrats, I do not mean this to be a downer or prediction of trouble. Just advice about what could happen and often does.

[Andy66]

I'm happy for you that you were able to tell your SO and got a positive response.

I don't think one sort of news (bi or CD) is better to tell first. I think in general they're about equal as far as how well they are likely to be received. It just depends on the individual people involved, and what they are comfortable with.

Please don't take the initial lack of responses personally. I didn't read this thread at first because I was confused by the title. :doh:

[Ellen James]

I'm happy for you that you were able to tell your SO and got a positive response.

I don't think one sort of news (bi or CD) is better to tell first. I think in general they're about equal as far as how well they are likely to be received. It just depends on the individual people involved, and what they are comfortable with.

Please don't take the initial lack of responses personally. I didn't read this thread at first because I was confused by the title. :doh:

I confuse lots of people :straightface: - it seems to go along with being so confused myself! :heehee:

[AKAMichelle]

I hope she will be as accepting as you want her to be.

[Karan49]

If you are bi-sexual how does that impact your marriage? Does this imply you are attracted to men as well as women, but follow your marriage vows or when you told your wife you are bisexual that this means you not only are attracted to men and women but that you intend to persue sexual relations with men as well as with your wife? Perhaps it means you have had sexual relations with men prior to your marriage?

How does all this work with AIDS and other venereal diseases? Wouldn't that be dangerous to your wife? Or do condoms prevent these diseases?

I don't understand open marriages when vows are taken. Vows should be serious; at least I believe so.

I would think crossdressing or transgenderism is something different than being bi-sexual. Clothing, and gender identity have nothing to do with having sex with someone else. At least that is my opinion.

Being single, I don't have to worry about who I have sex with as no vows or promisses have been made to remain true to someone. I can also wear what I want whenever and wherever I choose without having to confer with an SO.

I don't mean to be judgemental, rather I'm just am confused about what is implied when someone tells another that he or she is bi-sexual.

Karan

[Ellen James]

If you are bi-sexual how does that impact your marriage? Does this imply you are attracted to men as well as women, but follow your marriage vows or when you told your wife you are bisexual that this means you not only are attracted to men and women but that you intend to persue sexual relations with men as well as with your wife? Perhaps it means you have had sexual relations with men prior to your marriage?

How does all this work with AIDS and other venereal diseases? Wouldn't that be dangerous to your wife? Or do condoms prevent these diseases?

I don't understand open marriages when vows are taken. Vows should be serious; at least I believe so.

I would think crossdressing or transgenderism is something different than being bi-sexual. Clothing, and gender identity have nothing to do with having sex with someone else. At least that is my opinion.

Being single, I don't have to worry about who I have sex with as no vows or promisses have been made to remain true to someone. I cand also wear what I want whenever and wherever I choose without having to confer with an SO.

I don't mean to be judgemental, rather I'm just am confused about what is implied when someone tells another that he or she is bi-sexual.

Karan

Karan - these are all good questions. The reality is that I'm 60 years old and happily married so in many ways the issue of being bisexual is rather moot or theoritical - though I do enjoy that I can now like the fact that I can look at members of both genders whom I find attractive and understand and accept why :o -
So for me it's not a question of changing my lifestyle but of better understanding myself and the why and how of the ways in which I interact with the rest of the world. For example, the realization that I find certain men sexually attractive and appealing helped me better understand why I often worked better with female bosses and why sometimes I had difficulty in maintaining a good relationship with certain male colleagues and/or supervisors (i.e., sometimes the issue of my attraction to them made me pull away or resist close contact with them).

TG and CD are, at least to me, two different but not exclusive things. I've heard some people even use the world polysexual rather than bisexual (but I like the latter's classic simplicity). I am attracted sexually to both men and women. I like on occasion to wear women's clothing and interact with the world in a feminine role and manner (though I'm still little practiced at it and trying to get better). One might even accuse me of wanting to have my cake and eat it too on matters of gender presentation, and in a sense I do - my ideal world would allow me to be fully male or fully female virtually at my personal choice - but that's an ideal fantasy world and since I also wish to present myself as fully male on occasions, then CD is my personal choice and being bisexual (and happily married) happens to be who I am.

[PretzelGirl]

That's awesome Ellen. You have been around here long enough, so you know the drill. But it is fun! The part I had the hardest time with is that I held back and kept getting the "what are you waiting for, go get into something comfortable". So I guess you can go too far the other way too. Find your balance and enjoy each other as always.