Just come out to my partner

[Lanky]

Just had that long-dreaded "little chat" with my wife. Exhausted, drained, hurt, ashamed, anxious... but at least I feel a little less dishonest now. Mind you, I have ten years of secrecy to make up for.

Huge thanks to Marla GG for her sticky thread on coming out to your partner. It made a huge difference. My wife didn't like it, that's for sure, but I managed to avoid saying anything too dumb or self-absorbed. I watched her going through several stages of shock and pain knowing that it was far worse for her than me. She didn't rant at me or say anything deliberately hurtful. Well, I couldn't have hoped for more really. One thing she said shocked me though: she said she wouldn't have minded as much if I had had an affair! That seems far worse to me. I hope she didn't mean it.

Now it's up in the air. I've asked her not to make any decisions in a hurry, but it's plain she's wondering whether to stay with me or not. I suppose the negotiations will begin. What could she live with and what she couldn't. What do I need, now that I've forced the door of the closet? One problem is that I don't know to what extent I'm TS or just a CD. It isn't really the clothes that interest me, it's the body that I care about. In fact, it's the legs and underarm shaving that are the crux of the matter. She said she suspects I've decided to move in "a new direction". I guess she's right, but I have no idea how far I need to go.

Wow, life sure ain't dull for us guys eh?

[LisaElizabeth]

Life is never dull, adding crossdressing into the mix just adds a few more hurdles!!!
Now that you have 'broken the ice' be patient! It took my wife 2-3 weeks before she was ready to talk any more on the topic. She will want to talk, honest, but let it be in her own time.
She has a lot to digest, she has fears to confront and lots and lots of questions running through her mind!!!
Just rest assured she will want to talk at a later date!!
Lisa E

[Philippa Jane]

Hi Lanky.
Rest assured many of us have and are in your situation.
You will hear this again and again but give her time to absorb the information you have given her and don't expect too much.
Let her move at her own pace and resist the temptation that now this is out in the open you can do as you please.
This can have disastrous results.
Nine months on and my partner is understanding but not comfortable with CD condition.
Best of luck.
PJ

[BRANDYJ]

I have two words for you that you will hear over and over again in this thread. Please remember them: GO SLOW

OK, a few more words. Show her, tell her how much you respect her, love her and appreciate her. Bend over backwards to let her lead. Listen to her. I mean really listen to her.
I wonder if all the hiding and all the suppressed desire to dress might be what makes you and others feel the confusion about their own TS status. It's that pink fog thing. The more you want something and the less you achieve it, the more you want it. Please be very careful about your own desires and the reasons you feel the way you do.

Speak to your wife softly and be compassionate towards what she fears and wonders about you and your future together. This is no longer about you. It's just as much, if not more so, about her. Be aware and don't push.
I sincerely wish you a lot of luck and hope things work out for you both.

[Katesback]

You dont know how far you need to go? It is interesting when I read these posts because often we trans people feel this relief when we TELL people about our little secret.

The thing that a lot of trans people probably dont get is that TELLing is a heck of a lot different than DOING!

When the trans girl writes the cute post about telling the wife and then a couple months later I see the post "SHE turned on me" it is no wonder.

Telling is a lot different than Doing or presenting your partner or other people to transgender elements. The fact is that most people have no way to even comprehend trans people. You could talk till you are blue but they still will have no idea what it is like.

To illustrate this and explain what probably happend in the two posts I talked about. The trans person tells loving spouse and spouse has no freaking idea what trans is like. Spouse tries to be supportive which is seen as a ticket to freedom by the trans person and all of a sudden spouse is now exposed to all sorts of transgener stuff and becomes OVERWELMED!!!!!!
At that point she says to herself "I did not sign on for this" and demands to have her hubby back or she files for divorce or something like that.

I cannot blame the spouse and I cannot blame the trans person. It is just what it is. The big question that you the trans person has to ask yourself is are you happy in THIS VIRTUAL world and the closet, or are you miserable?

There is often a price we have to pay to be who we are be that black, Jewish, white, male, female, or whatever. It takes resolve and a relentless drive to be happy. What most people cannot see is that the rewards for being ourselves are far greater than the price we pay to be ourselves.

Katie

[Sheila]

Lanky :hugs:, I know both of you will be exhausted right now ...... your wife has a load of questions going through her mind, some she may ask you, some she may not, at least just yet ............ she will probably really look not just at you & your relationship, but at herself ........ one of her questions may well be "how did I fail to see this in the person I loved", she if she is anything like I was when i discovered my EX's cding will be doing a whole lot of questioning about herself, her values and her core beliefs ........ I knew that cding existed (am an ex nurse), but I needed to know how I could deal with it in "MY" relationship, sometimes folks are okay in the general, but "not in my back yard" sometimes comes into play, I had to find out if it was okay in my backyard :straightface:

If she would join up here we have a great GG only section of the Site called FAB where she could come and chat with us GG's in private, we help and support each other all along the way.

As Brandy says Slowly & I will add, don't lie, if she asks you a question & you don't know the answer say so, explain that you don'tknow right now, but when you do you will tell her :hugs: to you both

[Sarah Doepner]

Lanky,
Good advice in the previous posts. It took a couple of weeks for my wife to do her independent research before we talked after my revelation to her. I was on pins and needles the whole time, but it was managed anxiety since the burden of all the lies and hiding had been removed.

Be patient, tell the truth as you know it and make sure you understand the questions being asked. There is a possbility that your wife will be unsure of what question to ask initially. You have been dealing with this and answering you own questions for years. Even if she is accpeting and supportive it may not be possible for her to get up to your speed in a week, a month or maybe even a year.

Don't get frustrated, that can lead to poor choices.

[Naomi Rayne]

Everyone is right about going slow. It may be unfortunate for you, but you need to go with things at her pace. Thats the only way she is going to be able to handle it. ALSO!.

This I feel is something very important. The way she feels at one point about something may change within days, or hours, or weeks. So when she does come to you to talk always let her know that you are open to thoughts, ideas, changes, and questions. When i came out to my SO there were things that she told me was okay and then changed her mind because logically it made sense, but emotionally she could not handle it. This is going to be a process.

Sheila is right about her possibly joining the FAB forum if she is ready or being able to talk to people, because its not so much that you ripped the doors off of the closet. You pulled her in and shut the door, because she now shares your secret.

[Lanky]

Thank you for your kind words and advice, ladies.

Woke up this morning and found her wedding ring on the breakfast table.

Heartbroken.

I hope she will wear it again.

She thinks CDing is self-indulgence - product of too much time on my hands, and says I should have more self-control. She wants me to say I won't cd anymore. I guess that looks straightforward from her point of view. I feel tempted to promising anything if it will help me keep her, but I haven't done that, because that would be back to square one. It doesn't make sense to back out with an unrealistic promise now.

I'll send her a link to the partners' forum as you suggest.

[BRANDYJ]

My heart hurts for you Lanky. I can only hope the love is strong enough that once she calms down and thinks of the guy she married that she will be open to some sort of compromise. It may take her some time. Give her space. Be compassionate of her feelings, fears and opinions. Communication without your raised voice may save this for you both.
Be gentle with her and assure her of your love and commitment to your marriage. She may come around.

[pj]

Heartbroken.Damn. Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

There are differing opinions here whether it's better to maintain the relationship or the secret. I come down on the side of letting go of the secret. So you did the right thing. The fallout is unfortunate, but I think keeping the secret is unhealthy, in a lot of different ways.

Hang in there. It's a lot for them to process. Don't take the initial reaction as the last word. You never know.

[ReineD]

Woke up this morning and found her wedding ring on the breakfast table.


No matter the situation, it's a big mistake to react in a rash manner. People new to recovery from drug and alcohol addiction for example are told to not get divorced in the first year if they are married, or not get married if they are single, or not embark on a major career change or make any major life decisions until they are stable in their newly sober lives.

Both you and your wife should postpone any decisions as to whether you'll divorce or not, or how far you want to take the CDing, until at least one year of having lived openly with the situation. How do you each know what your feelings will be until you've lived with the situation for a while? You said you don't know if you are TS or CD. Most TSs I've read in this forum have said that they've always known at a deep level that they were TS.

It is also not unheard of for a previously repressed CD to go way overboard at the start of coming out, thinking that perhaps she does want to transition, only to realize after the family is gone that it wasn't what she wanted after all.

If your wife is bent on getting a divorce, then it is likely there are other issues in your marriage and perhaps seeking marital counseling would be a good move ... not to get her to "accept" the CDing, but to find out what are the other issues that are causing her to want to give up the marriage so quickly, before knowing what is what. And work on those things with her for a year.

[Sheila]

Lanky I am so sorry you two are hurting right now, I have pasted two links below that may help both of you to understand where each of you are coming from, she will be able to view both those links as a guest, they are in the sticky section of the M2F :hugs:

Thank you for not lying to her & for continuing to hope :hugs:

If we GG's could say anything/ The good and the Bad (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=106619)

If we TG's CD's could say anything (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=106866)

[Jonianne]

You have just entered a storm and there is no way of knowing if it will blow over tomorow or last for months or years. Initial reactions are not necessarly the final ones. Time may change things, but if you want to stay with her, you must be willing to work out a situation both you and her can agree to.

After 10 years of marriage and her having no clue, this has hit her like a freight train. Especially since you are having thoughts of taking it further, which you may not have even told her that part yet. Think of how it must feel to her, an affair can and usually does come to an end. Being TG, whether you are CD or progress to TS, doesn't end. She would not have to be the one to change, if it was just an affair. She now is the one who has to change if she wants to stay with you being TG. That's not impossible, as attested by many GG's here on the forum, but it will take time and a lot of compromise from both of you. To be fair to her, you must find out who you are and what you want as soon as possible.

Counseling for both of you, together AND individually is a MUST for the relationship to have a chance of lasting in peace.

[Miss Tanya]

Congrats for coming out to your wife. It sounds like you handled it very intelligently and considerately when many of us get caught. Whle you surely feel the guilt and shame of lying to your wife of 10 years, it is a load a major load off the ole' chest.

My wife said the same thing to me - that she'd rather I had an affair. That one surprised me too until she explained her reasoning. According to my wife, she was trained by society to believe that most men cheat. That a husband's infedelity is very common and that she knows friends and celebrities who overcome those types of marital indescretions. She feels it's something most wives prepare themselves for "just in case." She also told me that if I had cheated on her, she could just say "that jerk," and leave me (depending on the details of the affair) with a clear understanding that indeed, I was a big jerk.

CDing was not something she was prepared for or knowledgable about, niether of us know where it will eventually escalate. An affair can end, and there can be a quick resolution. This may take forever to resolve.

And young people (my wife is 32) are taught to be more accepting of alternative lifestyles. She would feel like SHE was the jerk for leaving me. She feels pressure to be sympathetic. She may have no problem telling her girlfriends "that jerk cheated on me," but she feels she can't tell anybody about this save for a few online strangers. So now my secret is a possibly permanent secret she must hide from her family, which she is very close to.

I am sorry that you and your wife are in so much pain. I wish that I could assure you that things will get better soon, but I am finding it to be a long, tough road. Take it slow and expect her to act unusually distant, angry, clingy, and happy when you least expect it. If she continues in this marriage, she will go through a mourning period - mourning her perception of the man she married.

I am sorry to hear about the wedding ring. I hope you can both take a breath to be sure you are both making the best decisions for yourselves before making any terrible mistakes.

You'll be in my thoughts.

[Lanky]

You've all been so supportive. I can't imagine how I would manage without the benefit of your experience and encouragement. Even an emoticon hug means a lot when you're so low.

Tuesday was one of the hardest days of my life, but cooler heads have prevailed. She put the ring back on and apologised for over-reacting. Things are looking much better now.

Thanks to your advice I'll be expecting a long process with setbacks. Forewarned is forearmed.

[Stephanie Miller]

A lot of us have walked the path you are both on right now. Just know that you BOTH need our prayers - and you have them.

[Jonianne]

That's great Lanky, I wish both of you the best!

[jerca]

Congratulation for having courage and telling her. I belive that honesty is always better on a long term for a relationship.

LP, Jerca

[BRANDYJ]

Lanky, I am so pleased to hear about her putting the ring back on and her apologizing for what she called over-reacting. Every GG will be different in the way they handle the news that her husband is TG. For her, it was not over-reacting, it was simply reacting the way it hit her. your confession hurt her, so she struck out to hurt you. So easy for you to forgive it and to now work toward a way to deal with it in your marriage. In many ways, this could even strengthen the marriage since you now know you don't have to keep secrets that you had feared losing her over.

Please go slow and let her lead. Good luck to you both.

[Sweeterica]

Hi Lanky,im so pleased to hear your wife has taken that step,when one receives a shock one often says or does things that seem over the top, your wife had time to think and realised she did over react, it shows she has a lot of love for you.Im sure when she sees no big change in you things will turn out ok for you both. I do hope so,it always saddens me when you hear couples break up over this.
Anyway good luck x

[ellenwannabe]

well, best of luck - my wife barely tolerates my daily CDing in not too girly clothes and I'm OK with that as I know they're female and maybe that might be a compromise if you need one to save a marriage - try empathy and put yourself in her shoes (not literally this time) and I think they feel betrayed to some degree - my wife says if she was a lesbien she would be with another woman and that she wants to be with a man, not a woman - hope things work out for you both - Ellen

[kimdl93]

Tuesday was one of the hardest days of my life, but cooler heads have prevailed. She put the ring back on and apologised for over-reacting. Things are looking much better now.....

This has all happened pretty fast (for her) so she'll need some time to process everything. Seems like she's already done quite a bit of reflection and realized that cross dressing isn't such a horrible thing afterall.

What a relief. As so many have said, there will be ups and downs, but I think there's ample reason for hope.

[Mandy]

Hope things work out ok for both of you, I braved this the other week, I have taken really good advise from everyone & intend to stick with it:):hugs:

[Sheila]

Lanky, that is good news to hear & remember we have a great FAB forum if she needs help from other SO's who have been where she is, some are in the same place and others of us have walked the road a wee bit :)

[Sarah Doepner]

Best of luck to both of you. It is a lot to process in a short time and it sounds like your bride is willing to think things through if she has the time and knows she has your love.

[Lexine]

Lanky, you've been very brave for what you've done and faced what I at least hope is the "crest" of her reaction to your CDing. Like what most of the girls here say, take it slow and suggest joining the FAB forum here so that she may have support from women who are going through similar things. I'm under the impression that coming out is one of the most difficult things to have happen to anyone in marriages, moreso than infidelity, however it also has a strong potential to strengthen it in the process. Patience is virtue and, in this case, one can eventually lead to something even more wonderful. :hugs:

[DonniDarkness]

Lanky,

Its a tough time right now for you and i just wanted to share with you some things i have learned about reactions from our spouses that i have learned (very recently) even after 10 yrs of her knowing i wear girls clothes.


One thing she said shocked me though: she said she wouldn't have minded as much if I had had an affair! That seems far worse to me.

Completely normal reaction, because for the simple fact that an affair can be over and done with, and she wont have to deal with it on a day to day basis after the truth has come out. Seriously.


She put the ring back on and apologised for over-reacting.

The act of your spouse taking their ring off is a common reaction for something that is ground shaking to your relationship, it is heartbreaking for both parties and the fact that she CHOSE to put it back on, is in it self a statement that you are worth walking across the hot coals for.


She wants me to say I won't cd anymore. I guess that looks straightforward from her point of view. I feel tempted to promising anything if it will help me keep her, but I haven't done that

This is the part when the girls chime in "Give her TIME"

Very true, but one bit of advice before you continue: Dont let the amount of time that passes structure your view about how she feels about you. Anxiety will be your foe, so prevail through communication.

Good Luck and a big Hug,
-Donni-

[Sarah_GG]

Lanky - I think you've done the right thing. It will take time for your wife to accept and then she will have days when she doesn't. It's a steep learning curve but you've definitely done the right thing in telling her.

I do hope she will join us in the FAB forum to air some of those issues.

:hugs: to both of you.

[SusanLeigh3454]

I am so thankful that your wife put her ring back on. When I read your postings, I saw myself in the same predicament. My wife is being barely tolerant of my getting my ears pierced. I know that there will be a point in time when I will have to have "the talk". I do not think that I am emotionally ready for a scene like seeing the wedding ring on the table.

On the positive note, I have to say thank you to the administrators of this site. Lanky, you were in crisis, and within moments girls from every corner of the earth were there with understanding and support. It is so incredible and reassuring to see that outpouring.

[Lanky]

On the positive note, I have to say thank you to the administrators of this site. Lanky, you were in crisis, and within moments girls from every corner of the earth were there with understanding and support. It is so incredible and reassuring to see that outpouring.

Absolutely, SusanLeigh! It's obvious the admins and regular contributors put in a lot of effort to make this site work. Thank you all.

Think about how marginalised TGs are as a group of people. Perhaps it's like how gays were in the 1950s, or blacks before the civil rights movement. I hear that in the US, there's a movement to bring a bill before congress to give transsexuals equal rights in the workplace. Wouldn't that be brilliant? Part of me scoffs and says "It'll never happen in my lifetime", but then I think how far we have come since the start of the Internet in the late 90s. Do you think we're on an upward curve towards greater acceptance by society? If so, it's surely driven by communities like this one.

SusanLeigh, I realised I had to tell my wife when I met and talked to a CDer for the first time (who runs a shop where I got my first silicon breast forms). He showed me it was possible for a wife to accept it and warned me what to expect. But even so, it has taken me two years to pluck up courage to tell her. I hope you can get to that stage more quickly than me. Good luck!