She Is Throwing The Gender Things At Me

[Sheila]

I have noticed a recent trend if we have a disagreement over something ......... no matter what we are arguing/discussing with passion, she had begun to bring the gender thing in every time and I mean every time .............. she threatens to stop, purge, tells me I can throw all her stuff out etc etc ....... to me it is crazy I have no issues with her Transgenderism ......... why is she doing this ............. all thought will be gratefully recieved .......... one very :confused: SO

[skylance]

Im not really sure, i really dont knwo enough about the situation to give a proper feedback, but from what im getting, and please dont take offense to this, but it sounds like there may be some insecurity issues???

[DAVIDA]

Sorry Sheila!:hugs:
Don't you know that we can be stupid at times?
Sometimes when in an argume.........a heated discussion, our intelligence factor goes to time-out!:doh:

[Sheila]

do you mean she may have insecurity issues with herself, or insecurity issues with my acceptance ?.........

[skylance]

Possibly both, for some reason, it seems to have become a weapon in the discussion, and i really dont know what the basis for it could be unless she is somehow insecure about it and thinks that you might use it as a weapon against her? i dont know, but thats the only reason i could possibly think of it coming to that unless she is really unhappy about something. My only advice i can give is try to talk with her about it and see why this keeps happening. :hugs:

[Jonianne]

She Is Throwing The Gender Things At Me

Be sure to duck! At least a pair of pantys wouldn't hurt too much if they happen to hit you.

Seriously, I'm sure Debs knows you love and accept her, sometimes us guys don't know how to "let it sink in" the honest acceptance you have. Just say it to her without words for a while. Let Debs be the guide as to how much you need to verbally assure her. (Debs, I know you are reading this - be sure to ask Sheila when you feel you need assurance and share your real feelings with her!)

Sheila, always hold on to Debs with an "open" hand. Let Debs be the one to guide you into what her hopes and dreams are. And Debs, always encourage and support Sheila with her aspirations and dreams, too.

Love and hugs,

Joni

[Kate Simmons]

We can be like women in that respect Sheila (no offense meant) in that we really don't know what the problem is. I suspect, however, that on some level she needs to know she is appreciated as a guy, even if she does not know it. Guys have a "mystique" also, they usually just don't show it. This is what happens when guys really get in touch with their feelings. That is a positive thing, no?:)

[Sheila]

Sky, if I knew why the reason for it I would not have opened it up for input here ..... a little history for you and those that don't know the situation

Debs and I met on here 5 months after my previous relationship with a CDER ended ......... that was a nasty separation, I ended up overdosing because of the crap he brought into the relationship & not just over TG issues, and the buttons he pushed after the split ( I was as accepting as he would allow me to be Which was not a lot :sad: ... he had other sides to CDing that I only discovered later and I would not even contemplate acceptance of that in my life:straightface:)

I knew about Debs before I knew about Male Debs or rather I saw her before I saw him, there are no two separate beings in the one body for her. There has never been even once that I ever considered throwing her T status at her nor can I ever see a reason I would do it in the future ............ I adore the complete person that she is :)

Perhaps it is my being able to accept her wholeheartedly that causes her problems, maybe because where ever she decides to go she knows I walk with her willingly, maybe she is scared of where she knows she is going and perhaps sometimes she needs me to say woah a minute .......... how can I ? that would be like asking her not to breath or smell the floweers or feel the sun on her face .... impossible

I know I cannot be the only SO male or female going through things like this in their relationship, so maybe some of the others who are dealing with this can come in and add to this, cos I sure am confused when she does it :straightface:

Denise she is appreciated for the whole person not the guy not the girl but just her as a whole :)

[mklinden2010]

I agree with the common wisdom that the most important predictor of a relationship being long-term is not how you treat one another when you are loving, but how you treat one another when you are fighting.

"Fighting," of course, being a loaded word and a bad sign in itself. I do not like fighting. If I fight, I (and they) want to "win." And, winning isn't everything when it comes to getting along.

Disagreeing, on the other hand, is a different matter. Disagreeing on an issue or topic doesn't require digging trenches, taking higher ground, or, being destructive of the other side and/or your common interests. Disagreeing is a temporary exploration of information to find agreement.

In a good relationship, it's assumed "We'll work something out to get back to "happy."" If you're not steadily getting "back to happy" it may not be either one of you; the relationship, judging by results, just may not be a good mix for both of you. "Your mileage may vary."

I know nothing about you guys, really. But, I may not need to know a whole lot to offer that perhaps you should figure out what you are trying to work out. Where, in other words, each of you would like to be and what your eventual common goal is, after you work on things a bit.

If you are trying to help your SO with a personal issue, ask that it be presented as a personal issue that is bothering them - while noting that you may not be an expert on whatever it is and that you may not have "the" solution, but perhaps you can be of some help in finding a path to a resolution. Even if all you wind up doing is picking up the phone book for them and finding someone in your area of town for them to go see...

If you, or, they, have "a bone to pick," be specific about what it is that's bothering you. "A" bone... Limit the discussion to one thing at a time. Be mindful that you may both decide to set one thing aside to take up another issue. But, deal with things one at a time. You may find that the issues are related, can be rearranged, can be handled better in a different order.

A lot of problems in couple's relationships come down to one or both partners not being sure about what they are doing, or, what "we" should be doing. This may come as a surprise to one or both parties. Sit down, check the map to make sure you agree on where you are and where you are going, see if you can agree on what course to take, and, work the problem rather than let it work you.

Be considerate of yourself and others. If you can't commit to and stay on a course, just admit it and see if it makes sense to keep trying with each other. Everybody wants a good life, but sometimes we have to help each other realize, "Maybe not this way, with this person. Which is OK."

The point is not to make every pair of shoes fit, the point is to find a pair that fits well and isn't always causing you pain and keeping you from getting with the rest of life.

The worst thing in life isn't always breaking up - sometimes it's staying together.

Be kind to one another and always wish each other well.

[Miss Tanya]

It sounds more like she is fighting with herself than with you.

[Violetgray]

It sounds more like she is fighting with herself than with you.

Yeah, that.

When we argue with our GG partners and they keep bringing up gender, we say it's because they haven't fully accepted it yet.

Don't see why this should be any different.

[Tamara Croft]

Maybe Debs is testing you... I mean, would you really throw her stuff away? Don't answer that... I already know the answer... but if she is going to do this everytime you argue (sorry Debs... haven't I smacked you today already?), you know what to do...

Debs, I know you're going to read this, you need to stop it, your married life shouldn't be a constant battle about your clothes, gender etc etc... this isn't fair on Sheila and you know it! If this was me, personally, I'd kick your butt... and then throw away your stuff... Life is way to short for constant drama isn't it?

[DonnaT]

It doesn't make much sense. If it were a little girl I'd say she was throwing a temper tantrum.

Only Debs can answer your question, everything else is just guess work.

Maybe a trip to Relate (http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html)is in order.

[Andy66]

Think maybe you put too much pressure on him to be her? Maybe he wants to be a guy sometimes, and wear guy underwear. :straightface:

[suchacutie]

So here's the deal: I have a completely supportive wife and we discovered Tina together after 32 years of marriage. We were both a bit surprised and wondered where it might head, and she's been open, supportive, encouraging, and a terrific mentor/confident for the last 5 years for Tina.

Everything was perfect...until Tina started to develop a feminine voice. For some reason that voice put Tina into some sort of quicksand. She could talk in the car just fine, but as soon as she tried to use it to talk to this wonderful supportive mentor and girlfriend, she got embarrassed and clammed up! She suddenly could not be herself! Why? God knows! It was such a downer!!!

Luckily, in male mode was talked about this Tina issue and my wife was as surprised as I was.

So the bottom line for me is the realization that even in the best of circumstances there are bound to be little hand grenades waiting to go off when you least expect it. Something is bothering her that she can't vocalize to you. Debs, if you are reading this, it may be that you don't even know what it is, but you really have to talk it out. It's the only way!

my best to both of you.

Tina

[Sheila]

Think maybe you put too much pressure on him to be her? Maybe he wants to be a guy sometimes, and wear guy underwear. :straightface:

nope he threw the guy under wear away 6 or 7 months ago ........... where he goes is through his choice .......... I just give the occasion butt kick when I know it is needed, if he wants to be him 24/7 then that is who he is if he wants to be her then that is who she is .............. support from me is 24/7 110% for the whole person whoever that person is presenting as :straightface:

[ReineD]

You do clearly love Debs more than life itself. :hugs: But you can also be very vocal about the direction you perceive that Debs should take.

I would allow Debs to take over her own reigns completely. Just let her know that you are prepared to support her in whatever direction she chooses to go (I'm sure she already knows this :)), and then take the focus off of her and put it back on your own life, your own dreams and aspirations.

If Debs wants to pack up her femme stuff for awhile, this is entirely Debs' prerogative. Let Debs know that you are prepared to support her in whatever she chooses, then just step back and enjoy the ride, no matter the destination.

:love:

[Jorja]

Sheila,
I have seen this a thousand times over the years and have even done it myself. At a sever risk of over simplifying the problem here is what I believe is going on. This is no excuse for "fighting" though.
We that crossdress or are in fact transgendered tend to get lost (mentally)once in a while. Suddenly our minds revert back to in this case, being male. It is like a snapshot. Suddenly we are asking ourselves what am I doing? It scares the hell out of us. Sometimes it only lasts a brief moment. Other times it can last for days. We can become very defensive and insecure. Nobody understands!
You while being accepting and supportive really have nothing to do with the problem at all. You are just there catching all the crap :( . It would be my suggestion first to sit Debs down and have her tell you what is going on. She may need some counseling to be able to explain the problem. Anyway, i do hope you get this worked out.

[carhill2mn]

I had to read this post several times as usually it is the SO of the CD that makes these threats, brings CDing into the fight, etc. I know that was the case for me.
I think that Jorja makes a couple of good points (as did others). I suspect some self-hate, self-doubt, fear of accepting issues here. I have read of other situations where the SO is much more able to accept the reality of a person being a CD than the person herself. I know of people who have been, in effect, CDs for decades and still have difficulty coming to grips with that fact. Thus, the self-loathing, purging, etc. actions.
I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. Please know that many of us are here to listen to and empathize with you.

[Sheila]

You do clearly love Debs more than life itself. :hugs: But you can also be very vocal about the direction you perceive that Debs should take.

Reine My vocalism tends mainly to be in the GG section and usually after we have talked and talked and talked.
Debs herself has asked me not to stop kick butting her when I feel she is ready to take the next step ,and is procrastinating out of fear.
When I vocalize what is going on it with her it is usually when I am at my wits end, she saying one thing one minute then the opposite the next, then I tend to turn to the other GG's ............. in fact on more than one occasion I have had my butt kicked for not opening up sooner :doh:

As an aside, yes I am a vocal person, I don't believe that problems are ever solved if one does not talk & to be fair to Debs we do talk and talk and talk, but sometimes, you just know what you are hearing is crap, especially when it comes from someone you love as I am sure you are well aware :straightface:

It is tough to sit quietly when you know they are hurting themselves with their actions ......... he/she wouldn't/does not sit back and watch me suffer if he/she knows by making me talk about something that is bothering me it will help even if I don't particularly want to hear it at the time. You are right i love this person to death and that is one of the reasons for it, he/she makes me stronger even if it causes me to be hurt to make it better


I would allow Debs to take over her own reigns completely. Just let her know that you are prepared to support her in whatever direction she chooses to go (I'm sure she already knows this :)), and then take the focus off of her and put it back on your own life, your own dreams and aspirations.

Reine she had done that from January till her return last month, where she goes and how she goes is at her direction, ....... I may vocalize what we are doing and how we are doing it, but that is because of who I am and what I am like ............. Debs is a different kettle of fish, like ,many TG people she tends to be less open to being open with others about things that matter to her.

Her anger issues are a well known part of her past, but it is only in the last few months that she has started to throw the dressing issue at me & it is kinda hard to enjoy the ride when you are getting accused of things
a) you ain't done
B) would never dream of doing
c) know that when they are being flung at you, it comes out of the blue in a heated discussion over something totally different .................. had we been discussing her TGism when these arguements (discussions) took place I could maybe understand it, but we were nowhere near the TG issues at the time :doh:



If Debs wants to pack up her femme stuff for awhile, this is entirely Debs' prerogative. Let Debs know that you are prepared to support her in whatever she chooses, then just step back and enjoy the ride, no matter the destination.

It is Reine you are right and when and if she does I will mail you round about the time I feel Dabs is due to return and ask you for your home addy, buy her the ticket and pack her and her male butt over to you for a while till she makes said return and wish you all the best :eek::heehee::heehee::devil::devil: he is not nice to be around in the pre Debs appearance when she is about to return and he is fighting her :doh:

Living with someone 24/7 who is going through the agonies of gender dysphoria can be/is a nightmare, it really is not just all about the clothes, the makeup and looking pretty, and acting fem, nice trips out and coffee at a coffee shop, we have to deal with them at 2am in the morning when they are going through the internalized agonies & usually with her it is after midnight when the pain, hurt and anger appear ............ I suppose it is best described as you feeling crap with an illness that the minute you lie down turns into an agony .......... toothache is always worst the minute the dentist shuts his doors for the weekend :sad:


Thankyou Reine, and everyone else who has shown care by trying to help us, I think I know or have an idea where this comes from i just needed some input from those who had some idea of what it was like whether you are living with it within yourself or as a partner of someone who is/has/does go through severe bouts of dysphoria. Your support for us both is much appreciated :hugs:

[JulieK1980]

I wish you both the best of luck, I enjoy reading the posts of both of you on here!

I don't have much "advice" except maybe its a communication issue? My wife and I often used to fight, and it would escalate to stuff that more resembled temper tantrums, as we both have a tendency to fight to win so to speak. When we both realized this, we had to take a step back and start actually listening to each other, instead of drowning the other persons words out, while trying to make our own point.

I don't know if that helps, but its all I got... :hugs:

[ReineD]

Whatever happens, Sheila, please know that I'm pulling for you both with all my heart. Your romance on this site was the stuff made in heaven, and I hate to see that you are at odds sometimes. :sad:

But, I'm sure that it will all work out. The road is not an easy one, but the two of you share a love, the strength of which I'm convinced will carry you through the most arduous obstacles.

:love:

[Blaire]

I recall a recent period where he's become more "he", and Debs had fallen to the wayside for a while. Sounds like a bit of an identity crisis? Seems like there's an internal battle of which way to go, and she's kicking his butt, which is making him get his hackles up.

Back off a bit in asking for one or the other. Debs seems to be at a crossroads, and only Debs can pick which road to walk down.

[Karen564]

I have my suspicions, but that would only be a wild guess ....so I ain't saying nuttin...

But Sheila, I have to ask,

Why ask us?

Shouldn't you be asking Debs this question?

[Sheila]

Thanks Reine, I hate the times when she is fighting with herself, it hurts to watch her ........ at times we get shaken badly with her internal battles but we know we have a very solid base on which to fight them :)

I also don't think it hurts to let other couples know they are not alone, & that while things can be rough, they can be won out over :)

Karen don't you think I haven't ............ sometimes though when you are in the depths of something you can't see the wood for the trees, sometimes someone can say something that makes you both go ow yeah !!!!!! why didn't we think of that :doh:

Blaire where do you get I ask for one or the other ? I am confused !!!!!!!!!!!

[Lorileah]

OK I'll say it. Fear. When things go too well we get scared. We learn that when things go too well it comes with a huge downside. So in defense (defence) we take the offense (offence) to see if we are right about the other shoe.

[Schatten Lupus]

I use to wonder if many of the problems in my own relationship arose from me being trans. She keeps telling me no, but even still I have to wonder about it. Certain things, such as not liking to cuddle when my breast forms are on, a screaching halt to our sex life, and every once in awhile she will say something like "but I'm supposed to be the girl."

[Veronica Nowakowski]

My suggestion is to tell her that you'll support her whatever way she goes, but you will not sit there and be accused of these things. Stress that you don't have a problem with it, and that she's just changing the subject from what what the real issues are and you're not going to stand for that.

Maybe she took on more than she can handle right now, maybe she's abusing it as an argumentative tool, but you should be clear that you're not going to take that. Asking her why she feels the need to throw it out there in a supportive role wouldn't hurt, but you shouldn't HAVE to do it either given the circumstances. There is male PMS, so if this is just the past week, it may just blow by until next month.

[Karen564]

Yeah, I figured you did, but that wasn't my point really...
Guess what I'm saying is, Only Debs can answer this, for only she know exactly why she's acting this way, but apparently hesitant to say at this point..
What I say or anyone says can not speak for what's in her head..
She may just need some more time to sort things out better...
Best to both of you...:hugs:

Sh*t, I 'll be late for class....lol

[Sheila]

I use to wonder if many of the problems in my own relationship arose from me being trans. She keeps telling me no, but even still I have to wonder about it. Certain things, such as not liking to cuddle when my breast forms are on, a screaching halt to our sex life, and every once in awhile she will say something like "but I'm supposed to be the girl."

Sorry, but you have me confused with this post?. we sleep mainly as Debs and Sheila, we cuddle as Debs n Sheila, we have a sex life as Debs and Sheila, & we have the same in Mr Debs and Sheila Mode and I have never said "I am supposed to be the girl"........ sorry like I say I am confused as to what you were trying to say :straightface:

[JenniferB]

Well, I remember a few years back, I was VERY hesitant to fully embrace the femme side of myself. Because, somehow I think I feared that if I did embrace that side, I'd pass the point of no return. I guess I've done that in a way, but in doing so, I have truly found the REAL me. It doesn't work that way for everyone, I know.
Just please try and understand (from the macho side) that there is a line - that once you cross it - you're in the deep end of the pool (so to speak). It takes a lot of courage to cross that line, if that's where your true destiny lies. If you don't cross that line, and fully embrace your femme side, maybe it was never meant to be.

[Kaz]

How long have you guys been living together? What traumas have you been through?

Give yourselves a break!

This is normal territorial stuff I suspect. You guys are too good a team to be really dysfunctional! :D

I've been married since forever, and whilst I haven't been through a (marriage) breakup, both of us have co-created some hellish times when it got close. Most people these days would question our even being together so long!

In any relationship s**t happens, and that is an opportunity to either move together or grow apart...

I suspect this is not about gender issues...

When I throw a wobbler... I just want a hug!

Kaz xx:hugs:

[SusieK]

Sheila,
Any chance that you're too accepting ?
Maybe Debs needs you to help apply the brakes before crossing a scary boundary?

As a CDer, having a not completely accepting SO can help keep things in perspective at times, and provide a self-regulating effect, rather than an escalating effect. This can be frustrating, but nevertheless provides time to reflect and more objectively consider your true needs and desires. If you only get 'positive feedback' then things could spiral out of control and you end up somewhere that you never actually wanted to be.:2c:

[Kieron Andrew]

Maybe Debs is testing you... I mean, would you really throw her stuff away? Don't answer that... I already know the answer... but if she is going to do this everytime you argue (sorry Debs... haven't I smacked you today already?), you know what to do... Tamara could be right, psychologically she could be testing you to see how much crap you'll put up with before you tell her to p*ss off, does she realise she does this at the time or did you have to point it out to her, debs you can answer this is you want :), it obviously stems from insecurities...i know i've certainly done things like that in the past and its definitely insecurities base


Debs, I know you're going to read this, you need to stop it, your married life shouldn't be a constant battle about your clothes, gender etc etc... this isn't fair on Sheila and you know it! If this was me, personally, I'd kick your butt... and then throw away your stuff... Life is way to short for constant drama isn't it?As i said i wonder if Debs even realises she's doing it at the time, or not until after its pointed out to her...maybe she can't help herself...something counselling can help with ;) (trying to play fair to both parties here)

oh and im not saying its excusable, cos its not...but it might explain it

[Deborah Jane]

Thanks to everyone who tried to help Sheila in this thread :)

I've kept out of it until now, as in all fairness your answers to her have also helped me to try and understand what's happening in my head.

Our "fights" are nothing more than most married couples have and we have been through a few difficult patches recently due to other circumstances that neither of us had any control over.

I sometimes feel in myself that though my gender issues aren't the reason for the problems, the pure existance of them doesn't help the situation, hence my asking her to throw everything out or threatening to dump it myself. Maybe, deep down I feel the everyday things would be easier to deal with without the spectre of my gender problems hanging over us and to my mind making things harder.

Sheila's continued support of me has allowed me to explore my inner feelings far more than I ever expected and as such I have travelled further on the voyage to self discovery than I thought possible.

Maybe in some ways I would like the brakes applied, but both Sheila and myself know that will only end up delaying the inevitable. Sheila actually knows me better than I know myself and deep down I know she just wants me to be truly happy with who I am.

At the end of the day, we are both extremely happy in our relationship and the way in which things are going, but like everyone else, we have the occasional hiccups in the journey.

[Kieron Andrew]

I sometimes feel in myself that though my gender issues aren't the reason for the problems, the pure existance of them doesn't help the situation, hence my asking her to throw everything out or threatening to dump it myself. Maybe, deep down I feel the everyday things would be easier to deal with without the spectre of my gender problems hanging over us and to my mind making things harder.Trust me you being depressed cos you were in the closet, not able to express yourself or be yourself would make every day things MUCH harder to deal with and things WOULD come to a head!...and you'll just end up in a much worse situation


Sheila's continued support of me has allowed me to explore my inner feelings far more than I ever expected and as such I have travelled further on the voyage to self discovery than I thought possible.Then allow her to continue that support, no one is making her do it she is doing it of her own free will, why because she loves everything about you and that includes debs....if you weren't debs, there would be no you and her, because this very forum is where you met no?


Maybe in some ways I would like the brakes applied, but both Sheila and myself know that will only end up delaying the inevitable. Sheila actually knows me better than I know myself and deep down I know she just wants me to be truly happy with who I am.so you want Sheila to baby you and say, 'Okay this is how its gonna be'....kinda controlling don't you think, and not at all a loving and supportive relationship, she is allowing you the freedom to move in the direction you NEED to (notice i didnt say choose to) because she adores you...why not allow her the same respect of not throwing the gender issues her face and threatening to stop it all, when you know damn well you can't, (cos you know purging don't work, we've seen it many times here before) and get on with making this work the best way possible for BOTH of you, like Sheila is doing...


At the end of the day, we are both extremely happy in our relationship and the way in which things are going, but like everyone else, we have the occasional hiccups in the journey.
and you'll continue to be happy as long as you are being true to yourself and true to sheila :)

[Schatten Lupus]

Sorry, but you have me confused with this post?. we sleep mainly as Debs and Sheila, we cuddle as Debs n Sheila, we have a sex life as Debs and Sheila, & we have the same in Mr Debs and Sheila Mode and I have never said "I am supposed to be the girl"........ sorry like I say I am confused as to what you were trying to say
I was just elaborating at how I often think my being trans has caused tension in my own relationship. My fiance says it doesn't, but I can't help but feel it does.

[t-girlxsophie]

sorry I have no Insightful comments or stunning contribution to add to this,but having read all your comments over the past few months,you have a wonderful marriage,and I am sure you both will come out of this all the stronger,If you can keep the lines of communication going,which am sure you will,I am sure you will get through this in good shape,I wish you both my very best

:hugs: Sophie xx

[Paulette]

Debs all change causes fear and resistance by those effected by the change even it it the best thing for you. Recognize the symptoms of your fear and talk with Sheila about them in a loving and nurturing manner. You have found a wonderful person in Sheila, someone many on this board would trade you in a minute for. All relationships have their good and bad times and talking will always be better than yelling. The path that you are on was not chosen by you, it is who you are and no manner of resistance on your part will completely remove the female in you. You can stall and wait until your life is almost over like many on this board (myself included ) or you can embrace your gift and your lovely wife and enjoy a life filled with new experiences and joys.

Hugs

Paulette

[Jonianne]

.......Sheila actually knows me better than I know myself and deep down I know she just wants me to be truly happy with who I am......

Debs, I disagree. Sheila does NOT know you better than you do yourself. Only you know what is truly going on inside your heart. You may not want to face it, you may be in denial, but somewhere inside you know.

Maybe you want to go further, or it may just be that you really don't want to go any further. Only you know. Don't let that responsibility fall on anyone else. Your happyness is vital for yourself and your relationship with Sheila.

You are a wonderful person, just as you are. Period.

Find the answer inside of you. Take the time to know who you are and know what you want. Your having a strong sense of self is what is needed, nothing else.

I love you guys and I want nothing more than to see both of you spend the rest of your lifes wonderfuly, happily together. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

Joni

[Nicole Erin]

Hmm, well this is different.

As I was reading the OP, I was smiling and almost laughing, thinking "Oh gyod those crazy kids, Debs and Shiela are always there to tickle our funny bone. :heehee:" I was waiting for the punchline, thinking Sheila was kidding.
But then the "Just kidding" never came. I thought maybe this was similar to my parody threads... wow I feel stupid. :o

When the TG-ness comes out late in a relationship, it can be an issue but if the partner knows from the very onset and is 100% accepting, I don't know how it could be an issue. Most of us told after marriage and some of us did lose our wives, ok fair enough...

Shiela, well, in Debs defense, I will say that a lot of us CD/TS struggle greatly with this. I imagine for the CD's, it is a lot about feeling ashamed, and for us TS, it is about hating our birth gender or being called "sir" (even if the person knows you as your male side)

We have had a few breakups here among the members, and it always sucks. I just really hope you two stick together. You two are like bread and butter, I mean two different people, but one force. You can't have Debs without Shiela and V.V. You two have worked very hard to be together, I really hope things go the best possible.

[Jorja]

I read someones signature line on one of the forums and I think it says it all.


You must first be comfortable with yourself, before you can be comfortable in the world

[Alice Torn]

Sheila, Dennis Prager, a radio talk show host, and author/philosopher, has said, that each person on earth, is a pressure cooker, with anger, that needs venting, or can explode. I have have come from a family of angry suppressed people. I have to do something I have nightmares of- moving back in with my father! Next week. We have seldom ever communicated well, and we have fought, and resented each other. I have stopped dressing until a later time. As long as i am at his place, i will not dress. I have a love-hate relationship with my dad, myself, and dressing. Your marriage is a dfferent type of relationship, of course. Just know, that Debs is going through similar turmoil, that many of us cders deal with. Life is hard enough with just one gender, but, have both identities to keep under control, and that makes it much more complicated. There is nothing wrong with quitting dressing, or curtailing it, or struggling with it. Maybe giving each other more space, to be alone for a while, letting go, for a while, with acceptance of each other.

[Sandra]

Maybe in some ways I would like the brakes applied, but both Sheila and myself know that will only end up delaying the inevitable. Sheila actually knows me better than I know myself and deep down I know she just wants me to be truly happy with who I am.

I disagree with it delaying the inevitable Debs....going to quick can cause more problems, so maybe slowing things a littlle would help.


My take on all of this is that you may be scared of what is happening and don't know what to do to ease that, to make it less scary...and by bring the tg issues into arguments,(getting rid of all the clothing etc) it will get rid of it all and then you won't have to cope with it all, but still deep down you still want it..but your scared at how far it has gone and is going, does this make sense?

[Deborah Jane]

My take on all of this is that you may be scared of what is happening and don't know what to do to ease that, to make it less scary...and by bring the tg issues into arguments,(getting rid of all the clothing etc) it will get rid of it all and then you won't have to cope with it all, but still deep down you still want it..but your scared at how far it has gone and is going, does this make sense?

Yup, perfectly, you've hit the nail on the head Sandra :)

In my case, this has all happened very quickly, going from dressing very occasionally in lingerie, to dressing fully for a large chunk of every day, in a matter of about three years.
Don't get me wrong, I love who I'm becoming, I think I just need to come to terms with it in my head fully one step at a time.

[AKAMichelle]

I have read all of the posts and I have a few questions because I am too lazy to go searching. Are the 2 of you married or just dating? The reason that I am asking is that a male is a mixed bread especially when they are TG but we still display very strong male tendencies.

My first response about the anger and wanting to put the clothes away sounds like a control issue. She wants to be the dominant one, but somehow it sounds like you might have taken control of the female side and now she is rebelling. She wants the female side to go away so she can become dominate again. The other possibility is that she is afraid of committment. She may not be mentally prepared for the level of acceptance that you offer. So many of us are use to nonacceptance more than acceptance. So we know how to deal with that in our lives, but acceptance even I would have trouble with it.

I have thought about finding an accepting SO for a long time now. I have seen a few accepting SO and all of them have balance between the female and male time. They have the regular time spent as a male where the guy is wining and dining his girl. TG have both sides to worry about and the balancing act is terrribly difficult to control. I hope that when I begin searching again that I will find someone who cares as much as you do.

[Sheila]

Michelle we married last Oct, We met on here on 1st Dec 2008, yes we question whether my total acceptance causes some problem, but I can't and will not play control police :straightface:. She has total control over when she dresses, and how. Most days begin these days with her sat down to a coffee, a fag and another 2 coffees with me at the kitchen table, both of us in our nighties and dressing gown, how she dresses for the day is entirely dependent on what we have planned for the day:) Generally where we can, we do what needs to be done with her dressed as Male as early as possible in the day, and then when we get home, how soon she changes is up to her, I try to plan tea round her schedule so that she is eating in one mode :)

I have never, ever taken control of her dressing in either mode, except to whip away his jeans that have the ability to stand up on their own cos he has worn them so long for washing:doh: I may occasionally kick his or her butt into doing something that needs doing, but then they do that to me, so all is fair :)

The beauty of this thread is that so many have had a word or two here and there that has enabled us to look at things and talk about them from another's viewpoint & trust me we do talk all the time, it is not just arguing and not just the other trying to make the other see their view point :)

She had a period where she did not dress from 1st Jan till the middle of April, and she admits that this time she didn't fight the return of Debs as much, while we were out today we were talking and she said this "while Debs was away and I knew she was returning, I realised I actually liked her, liked who she had become, liked where I knew she was heading, it felt good, knowing that I accept that she is who I am", that for me was a telling statement, I am not saying she doesn't have her *I am scared moments*, just that she needs to learn to handle them better, if not for her sake for mine and others :straightface:

Sandra, as you know she has had her catch up periods in the past and the Jan to April on was one of the longest in our relationship ................ yes I know we had real life overhaul going on at that time, but she still had the opportunities to dress and didn't use them


Nicole .. I think for this TS part of her *problem* .....if you want to call it that ..... is that she did not hate the male side, does not hate that he had 45 years of being, maybe for her it would be easier if she had (we will never know because it didn't happen) he actually had a period from the age of 17 till 45 when he did not dress and only occasionally thought about it, so the last 5 years have been fast and furious, including a marital breakup (not caused by CDing, but it being the last straw that broke the camels back:sad:), and worry not us crazy kids ain't splitting :) (our mummies Sandra and Nigella have said we can't go home again

Kieron thank you I will not repeat what we have said in PM and on yahoo here, but you know we are grateful for your and your good lady's love support and downright common sense :hugs:

Tamara, she is more scared of you than she is of Sandra :heehee:

Thanks to all who have taken the time to read, and for those who have taken the time to reply our deepest gratitude, you have all helped in your own very special way :hugs:

[Kieron Andrew]

Kieron thank you I will not repeat what we have said in PM and on yahoo here, but you know we are grateful for your and your good lady's love support and downright common sense :hugs:It's a pleasure, if i can give Debs a helping hand to go in the direction she needs for her own sanity with as less pain and angst as possible on both of you then i will do just that, you both know you can confide in me anytime...and if you need a GGs perspective Esther is all too willing to oblige...you know us by now we'll both tell you both as it is :) having already walked this path albeit in the opposite direction...

[Nicole Erin]

So Debs is dressing a lot more...

I will say this - Each new step in the TG journey is kind of scary.
At first it is all about pink fog but one starts to think, "where is this going?" This is moving so fast!"

I know one time like when I was dressed en femme, I looked at myself in the mirror, and really saw a woman, I was like, "Oh my gyod, this is becoming too real!" :eek:

[Sheila]

I know one time like when I was dressed en femme, I looked at myself in the mirror, and really saw a woman, I was like, "Oh my god, this is becoming too real!" :eek:

Owwwwwwww yeah she has been there and done that one, the first time she looked in the mirror and really and truly saw Debs it scared the holy crap out of her and I mean really scared her. Since that time her self acceptance has grown but as you say, some times it is still scary & then she panics .....

[vivianann]

Sheila thanks for your support of us in the tg community, and for sharing your thoughts with us in this thread. Makes me remember the conflicts I had between my male and female sides. I suffered severe depression because I was trying to hide my feminine side. When I finally accepted my feminine side, that is when I finally overcame the depression and conflict in my persoal life, I have since come to love and embrace my feminine self, and the peaple who have known me for many years have noticed a change for the better since I have came out to the world as Vivian. most days I prefer to be Vivian and other days I need my he time. Debs is very lucky to have you as a wife and partner and I hope she does not throw the gender thing at you any more.
Some of us here would give anything to have a GG that is as acepting as you are of our transgenderism. I hope I make sense here on this thread.:hugs:

[Lucy_Bella]

Shelia,
I have found myself doing that a few times. Its the inner quilt that most of us have from years of suppression. Its Ironic the very thing we say we want the most, we tend to run off because of old habits.