Lexine
05-21-2010, 12:49 PM
I figured I should share this with everybody here since I never really post anything that talks about my life, unless its a short story to address a curiosity I had, or even to preface a bunch of photos. So pour yourself a cup of coffee and grab some snacks in the pantry: this is going to be wordy.
I came from a really bad breakup during Christmas/New Years Eve 2009. My engagement was called off because my ex-fiancee cheated on me with my ex-best friend. This tore me to pieces: Not only did the girl who I loved for four long years leave me, but my ex-best friend even told her that if there ever came a time to choose between her and me, he would choose her over me.
During the period after she left, I had to work on myself with the help of my closest friends to get back who I was as an individual, and part of this self-therapy was to force myself into unfamiliar situations in order to reclaim the confidence and the self-esteem that I lost thanks to my breakup. I started working out, going out with friends a lot more, going to bars, clubs, and even learned how to snowboard.
At some point, there was the Facebook craze towards the end of January/beginning of February. You were supposed to post a photo of someone who you thought looked a lot like you who's a relatively well known celebrity as your profile picture. I then decided to use some site that "automatically" generated your look alike results for you and approximated who your look alike was. After scanning two photos, it determined that I looked like Scarlett Johannsen, Kate Winslet, and Mariah Carey. Keep in mind: There was no option to select gender. I laughed at the results, posted it, then quickly dismissed it.
Then I got invited to a birthday party in April by a friend's friend. It was supposed to be a really geeky birthday party at Disneyland Resort and the celebrant recommended that we either dress up as Goth or dress up as Pirates. Since I was goth in 11th grade and was a pirate with my ex-fiancee, I felt that those choices were boring. So, I decided to go to Disneyland as an androgynous person because: a) I wasn't ridiculously thin as an Asian and wanted to see if I could pull of the look and b) It would be a good way to build my confidence and self-esteem because I'd be thrust into a completely unfamiliar situation. I told my other best friend about it, who's a stylist who's been helping me with my boy mode fashion, and loved the idea.
While the option of CDing manifested itself multiple times in my life, I never really pursued it because I felt like it had no purpose to me. But when I had the opportunity to go to Disneyland in an androgynous look and be someone who I'm not, it felt really good to me. Even though people outside our little birthday group were so confused as to what I looked like or what gender I am, I didn't care. To my new friends, I was just Alex - the androgyne - and they accepted me unconditionally for who I was and not what I was wearing or portraying myself to be. I knew then that I was among good friends.
Having that feeling made me decide to pursue CDing as a part of my life and, as I've mentioned plenty of times in numerous threads, felt like I can flip the switch and come out as a girl whenever I want, barring any requests. I had to cross a few hurdles though.
Even though I dressed up as androgyne, I had to convince myself that I could be a girl despite my boyish appearance. Being conscious of my looks didn't help things: I always told myself if I'm going to look like a girl, then the standards should be high. Thankfully, my best friend, made selecting my first set of clothes really easy. It took a bit of getting used to, wandering into the women's department with her on some days, then wandering into the women's department en femme away from her on other days... Then even going to places by myself en femme without any friends. Just me.
Slowly, I realized that I was whole again... but not in a way that you might think. I was whole because I felt really confident in who I was, regardless of whether I was in boy mode or girl mode. In the end, it's just Alex: The same emotional, lovable, smart, cute, direct, and open-minded person that my friends have come to appreciate and love.
From there, I went ahead and made Lexi an official part of my life by creating a separate profile for her on Facebook and adding her as my sister. I wrote a very lengthy backstory for her in my journal, kind of like a script, to define her personality so that when I do go out en femme I could actually express myself in a completely different manner as my boy me. This sounds crazy and unnecessary, but to me it was lots of fun because I was roleplaying. I loved playing video games and LARPing (Live Action Roleplaying) when I was a Goth, and this seemed to fit my bill nicely.
But was I really ready for a relationship? Or was I even too narcissistic for my own good? These questions labored through my mind since I've focused so much on looking good as Lexi and Alex that it might just be that I loved myself so much that I felt that I couldn't share it with anyone.
May 15th came, and I was getting my wig and hair extensions evaluated by a friend of my stylist when all of a sudden I get a communication from eHarmony from a girl who was interested in me. We went through the paces - going through all 3 steps of "guided communication" on the site, finally culminating in emailing each other the following Monday.
I don't know about you, but I'm not a dating site type of person. I had forgotten that I had an eHarmony account for the longest time and somehow this person decided that I was interesting enough to actually warrant a message. But it surprised me: The first day we started emailing each other, we had sent 4 emails just that Monday alone. And these weren't short - they're about the length of this thread! Apparently, we had a lot to say.
But there was CDing, and I promised myself that if I ever started liking someone that they should accept me for everything that I am. So I started talking about Disneyland and my androgyne stunt and she thought it was interesting and "must've been fun." Again, this was all via email and each wait leading up to each response was nerve-wracking. I may go out to the world en femme with full confidence, but that doesn't mean I've steeled my nerves when telling someone about this! So the next message, I decided to tell her that I pursued CDing as a part of my life. She too, accepted that as me and even liked me more for it.
So I backed off and looked at the situation: Wait a minute... so you mean to tell me that not only has this girl practically surpassed every single standard I set for a girlfriend (and, like my standards for Lexi, they're really high as well), but also is fine with me CDing?
I'm not going to bore you all with the details, because I probably already bored all of you with this long story, but we felt really close to each other, learning more about each other's past, motivations, dreams, and aspirations as the days progressed, and finally decided that it was the right thing to do to be together as a couple. We updated our Facebook statuses at 2am one morning, and made fun of the fact that we "made it official" (referencing the South Park episode that talked about Facebook with Wendy getting angry at Stan for the Single relationship status), and our close friends and the friends I met at Disneyland all "Liked" our changed relationship status. Yes, it sounds ridiculous, but it wasn't about the updates or "like"s that made me happy. It was to be a constant reminder that I found someone to share everything with, accepting me unconditionally knowing full well that whether I'm Lexi or Alex, it wouldn't matter because it's just Alex.
Tonight my best friend/stylist, Lexi, and my girlfriend will be going out on their first official girl's night out and frankly, I can't wait for tonight to finally be here.
Thanks for reading and I hope that this story inspires some of the boys and girls here in whatever they want to achieve, and I would like to thank everyone's support in the forums because, you too, unconditionally accepted me for who I am and who I was without pretense and helped me, indirectly or otherwise, go through quite possibly one of the most difficult things in my life. Now, I can share one of the happiest moments in my life with you all. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart :)
~Lexi
I came from a really bad breakup during Christmas/New Years Eve 2009. My engagement was called off because my ex-fiancee cheated on me with my ex-best friend. This tore me to pieces: Not only did the girl who I loved for four long years leave me, but my ex-best friend even told her that if there ever came a time to choose between her and me, he would choose her over me.
During the period after she left, I had to work on myself with the help of my closest friends to get back who I was as an individual, and part of this self-therapy was to force myself into unfamiliar situations in order to reclaim the confidence and the self-esteem that I lost thanks to my breakup. I started working out, going out with friends a lot more, going to bars, clubs, and even learned how to snowboard.
At some point, there was the Facebook craze towards the end of January/beginning of February. You were supposed to post a photo of someone who you thought looked a lot like you who's a relatively well known celebrity as your profile picture. I then decided to use some site that "automatically" generated your look alike results for you and approximated who your look alike was. After scanning two photos, it determined that I looked like Scarlett Johannsen, Kate Winslet, and Mariah Carey. Keep in mind: There was no option to select gender. I laughed at the results, posted it, then quickly dismissed it.
Then I got invited to a birthday party in April by a friend's friend. It was supposed to be a really geeky birthday party at Disneyland Resort and the celebrant recommended that we either dress up as Goth or dress up as Pirates. Since I was goth in 11th grade and was a pirate with my ex-fiancee, I felt that those choices were boring. So, I decided to go to Disneyland as an androgynous person because: a) I wasn't ridiculously thin as an Asian and wanted to see if I could pull of the look and b) It would be a good way to build my confidence and self-esteem because I'd be thrust into a completely unfamiliar situation. I told my other best friend about it, who's a stylist who's been helping me with my boy mode fashion, and loved the idea.
While the option of CDing manifested itself multiple times in my life, I never really pursued it because I felt like it had no purpose to me. But when I had the opportunity to go to Disneyland in an androgynous look and be someone who I'm not, it felt really good to me. Even though people outside our little birthday group were so confused as to what I looked like or what gender I am, I didn't care. To my new friends, I was just Alex - the androgyne - and they accepted me unconditionally for who I was and not what I was wearing or portraying myself to be. I knew then that I was among good friends.
Having that feeling made me decide to pursue CDing as a part of my life and, as I've mentioned plenty of times in numerous threads, felt like I can flip the switch and come out as a girl whenever I want, barring any requests. I had to cross a few hurdles though.
Even though I dressed up as androgyne, I had to convince myself that I could be a girl despite my boyish appearance. Being conscious of my looks didn't help things: I always told myself if I'm going to look like a girl, then the standards should be high. Thankfully, my best friend, made selecting my first set of clothes really easy. It took a bit of getting used to, wandering into the women's department with her on some days, then wandering into the women's department en femme away from her on other days... Then even going to places by myself en femme without any friends. Just me.
Slowly, I realized that I was whole again... but not in a way that you might think. I was whole because I felt really confident in who I was, regardless of whether I was in boy mode or girl mode. In the end, it's just Alex: The same emotional, lovable, smart, cute, direct, and open-minded person that my friends have come to appreciate and love.
From there, I went ahead and made Lexi an official part of my life by creating a separate profile for her on Facebook and adding her as my sister. I wrote a very lengthy backstory for her in my journal, kind of like a script, to define her personality so that when I do go out en femme I could actually express myself in a completely different manner as my boy me. This sounds crazy and unnecessary, but to me it was lots of fun because I was roleplaying. I loved playing video games and LARPing (Live Action Roleplaying) when I was a Goth, and this seemed to fit my bill nicely.
But was I really ready for a relationship? Or was I even too narcissistic for my own good? These questions labored through my mind since I've focused so much on looking good as Lexi and Alex that it might just be that I loved myself so much that I felt that I couldn't share it with anyone.
May 15th came, and I was getting my wig and hair extensions evaluated by a friend of my stylist when all of a sudden I get a communication from eHarmony from a girl who was interested in me. We went through the paces - going through all 3 steps of "guided communication" on the site, finally culminating in emailing each other the following Monday.
I don't know about you, but I'm not a dating site type of person. I had forgotten that I had an eHarmony account for the longest time and somehow this person decided that I was interesting enough to actually warrant a message. But it surprised me: The first day we started emailing each other, we had sent 4 emails just that Monday alone. And these weren't short - they're about the length of this thread! Apparently, we had a lot to say.
But there was CDing, and I promised myself that if I ever started liking someone that they should accept me for everything that I am. So I started talking about Disneyland and my androgyne stunt and she thought it was interesting and "must've been fun." Again, this was all via email and each wait leading up to each response was nerve-wracking. I may go out to the world en femme with full confidence, but that doesn't mean I've steeled my nerves when telling someone about this! So the next message, I decided to tell her that I pursued CDing as a part of my life. She too, accepted that as me and even liked me more for it.
So I backed off and looked at the situation: Wait a minute... so you mean to tell me that not only has this girl practically surpassed every single standard I set for a girlfriend (and, like my standards for Lexi, they're really high as well), but also is fine with me CDing?
I'm not going to bore you all with the details, because I probably already bored all of you with this long story, but we felt really close to each other, learning more about each other's past, motivations, dreams, and aspirations as the days progressed, and finally decided that it was the right thing to do to be together as a couple. We updated our Facebook statuses at 2am one morning, and made fun of the fact that we "made it official" (referencing the South Park episode that talked about Facebook with Wendy getting angry at Stan for the Single relationship status), and our close friends and the friends I met at Disneyland all "Liked" our changed relationship status. Yes, it sounds ridiculous, but it wasn't about the updates or "like"s that made me happy. It was to be a constant reminder that I found someone to share everything with, accepting me unconditionally knowing full well that whether I'm Lexi or Alex, it wouldn't matter because it's just Alex.
Tonight my best friend/stylist, Lexi, and my girlfriend will be going out on their first official girl's night out and frankly, I can't wait for tonight to finally be here.
Thanks for reading and I hope that this story inspires some of the boys and girls here in whatever they want to achieve, and I would like to thank everyone's support in the forums because, you too, unconditionally accepted me for who I am and who I was without pretense and helped me, indirectly or otherwise, go through quite possibly one of the most difficult things in my life. Now, I can share one of the happiest moments in my life with you all. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart :)
~Lexi