Can I get the best of both worlds?

[sophiya.rap]

Hello,

I was trying to stop myself from asking this question, but I guess it didn't work. So here is my dilemma and any help will be greatly appreciated.

I used to dress up regularly(almost everyday) before I got married and then things changed. I have dressed up only twice in 1.5 years since I got married. Now it may sound like the story of a many other married cross-dressers. "Cant tell wife or She doesn't approve or She hates it"..... Well no, mine is a little different. I told her 10 days after we got married and she didn't freak out at all and was very supportive.

Now here is the catch. She is supportive, but I love her so much that I feel guilty if i talk about it, let alone actually doing it!
Also, when I have been under tremendous pressure a couple times, i told her and she said "why dont you see your CD pictures. that will make you feel better or if you want to dress up for a couple hours, I will go somewhere so you can have your personal time". Now when she says that, two things happen.
1. I feel so much guilt, i cant do it. I start thinking, she didn't sign up for this. She loves me as a man and she doesn't deserve anything but the man she married.
2. I don't want to dress up all alone, watch myself in the mirror 15 times, take some pictures and wash it all off. I would rather have her be with me or may be go out with me(guess i m asking for too much here).

Again, I have so strong urges that it feels like my head is going to explode(y'all know the feeling). But when i think of her, It all just seems too less important. I go through cycle of desire and guilt everyday.

I guess you get what's going on. Any thoughts?

[joannemarie barker]

hi sophiya,why don't you tell her the feelings that you have shared here,it sounds like she's supportive so i'm sure it would do you both the world of good to discuss it together :)

[t-girlxsophie]

Sure she didn't sign up for it,but as you said yourself she is Supportive so that is half the battle.I think maybe a heart to heart with her,would give you both a chance to air your feelings,and get some understanding of how to move things forward TOGETHER.
I wish you well Sophiya,you and your Wife

:hugs: Sophie xx

[Debutante]

Sophija,
I have the same feelings. I have an accepting wife, and yet I feel constrained.
I need to crossdress, to feel the feminine -- it's a self-care thing for me. Women should understand this... (of course some don't -- they need to understand why we need to do this, and not suppress it -- it's unhealthy!).
Work it out with your wife.
I do understand that you need that affirmation, esp. with another person -- esp. with the woman in your life.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Sophia,

I had to grin a bit , because i used to go through the guilt issues too, until I read a book that talked about guilt, and what I learned may help you.

There are two basic type of guilt True Guilt and False Guilt.

True Guilt is what you feel when you have done something wrong, you are afraid of being found out, you feel you have wronged someone, and are afraid of the consequences.

False Guilt is what you feel, when someone transfers their perceptions of right or wrong onto you, or when your actions go contrary to how you think someone percieves what you are doing. What you may be doing may per perfectly ok, but you interpert your actions based on someone elses percieved views.

Think of it like eating a eating a cupcake around a person with a weight problem. The action of eating the cupcake is not wrong, but because the person you are with has the weight problem, you feel False Guilt for eating around them.

True Guilt would be taking their cupcake and eating both, then lying about having eaten ANY cupcake !

Your wife is actually looking out for your best intrests, giving you time to destress. She sound like a great girl. Just because she may not want to be there while you dress, does not mean she finds it wrong for you to do so.

I would suggest you take her up on the offer for some personal time, then afterwork tell her ho much you appricate how she look out for her. Then ask her her opinion on what would make the pictures turn out better. I think you both will grow closer as a couple, and it sounds like she might be willing to share a bit more in what makes you happy and relaxed.

Kelly

[Jason+]

Sophiya,

From reading your post it seems like your wife may be more accepting of you than you are. The heart to heart with you wife sounds like a great idea for a start but I think a bigger part needs to be you accepting yourself as okay. She has given you permission (I hate to use this word but I am lacking a better one) can you do the same for yourself?

I still trip over the guilt/shame brick too sometimes, it's an ongoing process.

Best wishes,
Jason

[sissystephanie]

First of all, you know you are very lucky to have a supportive wife. I told my late wife before we married, and we had almost 50 wonderful years together. A supportive wife is a real blessing to a crossdresser!!

You have already received some very good advice. The main thing to remember is communication. If you don't talk a lot to each other, neither of you will know what the other is thinking. You said you had very seldom dressed in recent times. Has your dear wife ever seen you dressed? If not, why? Did you ask her, or has she told you she does not want to see you dressed? If she has not said that, then let her know that you would like her to see you dressed, and maybe help you to dress properly! My late wife used to dress me, so she and Stephanie(me!) could go out together!

You sound as though you are not very sure about yourself! That is, who you are! Yes, you are a man! But you also have a feminine side which you want to display. There is nothing wrong with that! Especially if you constantly remind your wife that you are still her MAN no matter what clothing you have on. I did that with my wife for all the time we had together, and it sure did work!! It can do the same for you!!:hugs::hugs:

[Alice B]

I agree with everyone else. Sit down and talk to her. Let her know that you would like to dress and not have her leave. You might be pleased with the end result.

[minalost]

Sophia,

I had to grin a bit , because i used to go through the guilt issues too, until I read a book that talked about guilt, and what I learned may help you.

There are two basic type of guilt True Guilt and False Guilt.

True Guilt is what you feel when you have done something wrong, you are afraid of being found out, you feel you have wronged someone, and are afraid of the consequences.

False Guilt is what you feel, when someone transfers their perceptions of right or wrong onto you, or when your actions go contrary to how you think someone percieves what you are doing. What you may be doing may per perfectly ok, but you interpert your actions based on someone elses percieved views.

Think of it like eating a eating a cupcake around a person with a weight problem. The action of eating the cupcake is not wrong, but because the person you are with has the weight problem, you feel False Guilt for eating around them.

True Guilt would be taking their cupcake and eating both, then lying about having eaten ANY cupcake !

Your wife is actually looking out for your best intrests, giving you time to destress. She sound like a great girl. Just because she may not want to be there while you dress, does not mean she finds it wrong for you to do so.

I would suggest you take her up on the offer for some personal time, then afterwork tell her ho much you appricate how she look out for her. Then ask her her opinion on what would make the pictures turn out better. I think you both will grow closer as a couple, and it sounds like she might be willing to share a bit more in what makes you happy and relaxed.

Kelly

This is really good :thumbsup:!


Sophiya,

From reading your post it seems like your wife may be more accepting of you than you are. The heart to heart with you wife sounds like a great idea for a start but I think a bigger part needs to be you accepting yourself as okay. She has given you permission (I hate to use this word but I am lacking a better one) can you do the same for yourself?

I still trip over the guilt/shame brick too sometimes, it's an ongoing process.

Best wishes,
Jason

Me too (triping over the guilt brick...), but it sounds like you don't need too! Talk to her!


First of all, you know you are very lucky to have a supportive wife. I told my late wife before we married, and we had almost 50 wonderful years together. A supportive wife is a real blessing to a crossdresser!!

You have already received some very good advice. The main thing to remember is communication. If you don't talk a lot to each other, neither of you will know what the other is thinking. You said you had very seldom dressed in recent times. Has your dear wife ever seen you dressed? If not, why? Did you ask her, or has she told you she does not want to see you dressed? If she has not said that, then let her know that you would like her to see you dressed, and maybe help you to dress properly! My late wife used to dress me, so she and Stephanie(me!) could go out together!

You sound as though you are not very sure about yourself! That is, who you are! Yes, you are a man! But you also have a feminine side which you want to display. There is nothing wrong with that! Especially if you constantly remind your wife that you are still her MAN no matter what clothing you have on. I did that with my wife for all the time we had together, and it sure did work!! It can do the same for you!!:hugs::hugs:

Self acceptance this the first step in gaining the acceptance of others.

All good advice. Can't add anything of any value other than to endorse what has already been said: talk to her!!!!
:hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

We are all only as limited as we choose to be my friend.:)

[Andrea's Lynne]

It sounds lke you have an open and loving relationship....and a wonderful and supportive wife! I hope you can resolve your feelings, sweetie

[docrobbysherry]

When I was married I OFTEN thot I knew what my ex was thinking, and what she wanted.
While in therapy just before our divorce, I told my therapist this. She said that was common and a BIG MISTAKE for couples!:doh:

She said, if u want to know what your partner is thinking, ASK THEM! And, vice versa! :straightface:

My dressing is a VERY PERSONAL experience! It would require someone VERY CLOSE to me to want to share the experience! Maybe u feel the same way? Or, maybe your SO thinks u do?:eek:

[sophiya.rap]

Hello everyone. I cant thank you ladies enough for your valuable advice. It was so affective that it actually worked.

Yes, Today my wife saw the confused look on my face and asked me what was bothering me. She then asked if it was crossdressing. I said yes and told her what I wrote in this post. Actually I showed her the entire post. She was again so supportive and said that she is completely okay with it and we should give the idea of dressing up together a shot. She even offered me to take me to Ross and buy some dresses. I decided to do it another day.

I am so glad I posted here today. Thanks Again EveryOne!!!

[kimdl93]

I read everyone's posts, then saw your feedback. All I can add is congratulations. I think that its wonderful that you spoke with your wife and even more wonderful that she's so willing . The best possible outcome is to be able to dress in her company...making dressing a normal part of your life!

[mklinden2010]

Good for you getting this out to your wife too.

The thing about talking the talk with someone is that then (gulp!) you have to walk the walk.

But, you didn't bring it up because there was nothing there. So, "just do it" and see how it goes.

That was going to be my two cents, but since you two are already there -

Congratulations and good luck.

Nothing, by the way, is carved in stone. Take all the time you want but when you feel the need, or, just get an idea, do something with the energy besides bottle it.

My SO is used to me "playing around with stuff" and we just go about our normal lives knowing some shoes might show up today, or, a dress may need to go to the cleaners.

Life... Live it.

Be happy.

[BRANDYJ]

Hi Sofiya. I am glad to read that you did talk to your wife. Prior to reading it, I was going to at least say that I understand how you feel. For much different reasons, I can relate to what you said about guilt. My SO is also very supportive. However due to circumstances out of our control, for now she lives 1,200 miles away. When she lived here, we agreed that I would only dress when she asked me to. So now, all alone, I could dress every single day if I wanted to without her even knowing about it or for now, even caring if I did or did not. So I rarely dress now since it was a part of my dressing to have her full participation and someone to dress for. That old saying, " All dressed up and no place to go", comes to mind. Well, in my case, it's no one to dress for. Damn, I miss her.
It also sounds to me that you might even be fighting the urge out of guilt since men are not supposed to do this sort of thing. I think we all go through this. Perhaps so far as to say that you have not accepted yourself yet. I have, but admit to some back sliding on that level, since my SO wanted a man and not a woman in her life. So I don't want to ruin that masculine image she has of me as her man. I wrestled with this same fear in 2 previous marriages. In some ways, I think they accepted my fem side more then I did at times.
The other thing I glean from your post, is that you really care for your wife. You love her and very much want to be all she wants you to be and to not do anything to upset her. Even with her being supportive, you don't trust just how supportive she is. Perhaps now that you did show her this thread and your post, you may start believing in her acceptance and know she really does understand and it will to effect they way she feels about you. Sometimes we hear what our SO says and because of our own lack of self acceptance, we just don't believe it and need it proven to us for us to be truly who and what we want to be without ruining that male image we perceive our mates to have of us.

So I do understand some of the reasons you wrestle with this feeling. Been there, done that and in some ways, I'm still like you in wanitng to dress, but thoughts of our SO holds us back.

I wish you luck and love with your wife. Just be very glad she is accepting and loving you enough to really care. So many do not have that in their relationships. We do.

[suchacutie]

Hi! Just as a thought, maybe you hadn't considered that there might be another side to this: namely that your wife might enjoy the fact that she can slowly begin to teach you what it's like to be...her! Also, you can begin to share with her what it's like to be a guy. There is nothing so intimate as sharing those very personal feelings that we all learned growing up in one gender or another. You can start this rolling by asking her opinions, asking her for help with this or that, asking her what it was like for her growing up dealing with some of the issues you are having in changing gender.

Good luck and have fun with it as you might be surprised that she is too!

tina