Breaking Boundaries (FOR THOSE WITH SO's ONLY)

[Sheila]

following on from another thread,

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............

2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ?

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing

[Blaire]

Boundaries are useful tools in order to make sure your SO has a chance to become comfy withb the idea of a CD husband. More than comfy, they serve as a stop button for the CD, which is probably a good thing. Many of us tend to go overboard once outted. We're adults, agreed punishments should not be a part of it. Like everything else in life, the two of you have to prove trust and faith in the relationship. Crossing an agreed upon line runs contrary to that. My SO has gone a little out of her way to give me girl time, and its fine thanks I'd give her for screwing up our arrangement.

No boundary should be considered absolute. Eventually, as with anything that grows and develops, the people involved need to renegotiate their positions. The SO gets more comfortable, or the CD gets more presentable - this can lead to a dissolution of a "never in public" boundary. There's no set times for renegotiation, the time will come when someone wants to flirt with the line, and so it's brought up.

When the boundaries were set, there was heat and further reflection from both of us. It seems to ebb and flow. I set some for myself, and she set others for me. So far, so good.

I have no regrets right now, but I will probably eat my words in a year or so when I go back home to stay.

[t-girlxsophie]

#1 We never If I recall,sat down and set out boundaries,she knows I would never ever do anything to harm our life together

#2 I don't think boundaries as such are necessary in our situation,we talked for months b4 she met Sophie,and we pretty much knew from those talks what the limits I had already set for myself were,and she has never made any demands on me further than that

#3 n/a

#4 No Boundaries,apart from when she treats me to nice things,then she must get herself something too,not a boundary as such but she never spends money on herself,but I want her to share these little joys,and yes I do treat her too:love:

#5 n/a

#6 n/a

#7 Shouldve answered this Question first,saved my poor brain:heehee:
Our relationship Thrives in my opinion through my dressing.I feel I have become a better,more considerate person because of It.It actually helps in other non CDing ares of our life.
I love my Wife so much she knows It would be the most destructive move I could ever make to overstep the mark and ill never hurt her,in that or any other way.She is a wonderful human being ,and I love her dearly.:hugs:
Sorry if rambled there a wee bit

Sophie xxx

[Sheila]

We're adults, agreed punishments should not be a part of it.

I did not say Punishments I said "AGREED ACTIONS" if the boundaries are broken there is a difference :)

And this has nothing to do with Deb's and my relationship like I said it was thoughts from another thread and the replies in there :)

[Blaire]

I did not say Punishments I said "AGREED ACTIONS" if the boundaries are broken there is a difference :)


What other action? Buy him (or her) a car as a thank you? Gee, thanks for breaking a covenant we made, hun: here's your new bmw! Wonder what I'd have to do to get the Ferrari!!!

However you want to put it, there's no point in having a "agreed action". If you're not going to follow through with the boundary, there is no consequence, action, punishment, reward, or anything else that's going to be effective. If the person can't be bothered to keep faith with the one, why would they with the other? Why would they care?



And this has nothing to do with Deb's and my relationship like I said it was thoughts from another thread and the replies in there :)

Who's naming names? The same should apply to anyone.

Now... Let's see if my phone'll work and not submit this 6 times...

[mklinden2010]

following on from another thread,

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............

2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ?

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing


1) No agreed "set" boundaries and no actions in place concerning "set" boundaries.

2) a. I don't think we've ever, either of us, even thought about it.
b. Our priority is our relationship - we consider that as we choose our actions.

3) We don't. But, we do talk about all sorts of things daily.

4) We both have the same thought that what we each wear, or, do with such things as shaving, etc. is up to each of us.

5) Loving wisdom reveals that "rules" don't work when the person you love winds up being your or your relationship's cop, judge, or warden.

6) NA

7) Yes. It's not "you or me" it's always "you and I" - with "them" always being outside our relationship.

[DonniDarkness]

Before i answer these questions, there is something i need to get off my chest about this forums general attitude toward others who they dont see eye to eye with.

In light of this last weeks sets of posts regarding a member and their SO, and based on the responses from our so called support group, i have decided that it is NOT a good idea to have my wife join this support group. There were things said in that thread that were hurtful, biased, and finger pointing. In fact there were those on this site that have actually lashed out in what seems to be anger regarding their take on a successful relationship. This is not acceptable. We come here for support and yet get berated by people with the "this is the ONLY right way" attitude.

I have lost faith in this site.

So here are my answers:

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............

We have agreed boundaries, if the boundaries are broken then there will be a consequence

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............

Yes

2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO

It puts a common ground in front of the relationship where two people who are uncomfortable about an issue can have a comfort zone that is not crossed

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ?
Anytime they come into conflict, we have an open change policy (granted we can agree) so that they way they can be amended

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?

Yes, its kind of backwards tho, i have asked that if she is not here and invites people over to please call and ask or tell me. in case i am dressed or working on sewing a dress

Also, if she is to go out with her friends to please call me and tell me so that way i am not sitting around worrying where she is at

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix

Willingly, they were set up to protect our feelings and to keep us on common ground

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how

No, the boundaries we have set are OUR own, we made them together, we have no problem changing them together

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing

It gives both of us peace in knowing what the other expects out of each other and also shows us both what we are either willing to handle or not willing to handle

Whatever,
-Donni-

[BRANDYJ]

following on from another thread,

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............
Right now, since my SO lives in another state, I don't have any boundaries. But before she had to move back to her home state, yes, I had boundaries. But in our case it was more due to her being a dominant woman and I being her submissive. I was only allowed to dress when she either wanted me to or ordered me to. I was also only allowed to wear feminine panties at all times. I liked those boundaries since I really enjoy her taking the lead in all we do. My way of pleasing her. And to me, that's the most important thing I can do.

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............

Yes, I do believe boundaries are needed. So many of us can get caught up in the pink fog that we forget our SO wants a man. We can tend to become selfish and not even realize it. I like putting my SO's wants and needs before my own, She does however care about my needs and wants and meets them.


2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO

See above

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ?

As often as they might be needed. No set schedule. But since we live a dominant/submissive lifestyle filled with love and mutual respect, we address issues as they arise and never let them linger to frustration for either of us


4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?

In the relationship we have, I would be out of order to put boundaries on her. But frankly I can't even think of any I'd want to place on her.

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix

very willingly

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how

No, I am happy with the boundaries as they are. Nothing for me to change.

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing

I think it is in knowing each other very well. Far beyond any boundaries pertaining to just my crossdressing, I know and respect my limits as she does the same in her role as my dominant.

[kimdl93]

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............

Perhaps implied - at this point, neither of us is inclined to come out to the kids. Beyond that, any limits are self imposed. I think the idea of a written set of (re)actions, penalties or prescribed punishments are absolutely ridiculous.

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............

There are lots of boundaries we set for ourselves. That's part of being an adult. If an SO has a particular objection, then and adult may chose to limit or avoid the behavior that the SO objects to.

2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO We're adults. We respect each other and are capable of communicating rationally and with empathy for each other.

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ?

Not applicable.

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?

Not at all.

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix

See above.

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how

Not applicable.

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing

I am not sure that boundaries are the word. I dress when I want and for the moment, I refrain from doing so in public, because I'm not comfortable enough to present in public. similarly, I don't dress when the kids are around (grown). there are no implied or explicit sanctions...its my choice as an adult.

[Tina B.]

1) not spelled out, or anything stated.

2) Not in our case.

2a)We don't seem to have any issues that require boundaries

3)never comes up.

4) no

5) N/A

6)N/A

7) Yes, it's all about mutual trust.
Tina B.

[AmandaM]

following on from another thread,
1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............
2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............
2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO
3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ?
4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?
5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix
6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how
7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing

1. The only boundaries are don't dress in front of the kids. If they ask about the clothes in the closet, we'll deal with it then. Any TS feelings aren't a part of the equation. That would have to be negotiated if needed, but the feeling I get is that she would agree to it, whether we remained married or not.
2. Yes, kids are impressionable, and we don't want them to carry deep secrets around at a young age.
3. Never review them. They're simple.
4. No boundaries on her.
5. Willingly agreed to before marriage.
6. No, no change needed. When the kids are grown I have complete freedom.
7. Yes. Trust is paramount. It's assumed that I won't dress up and go cruising for guys, etc. just as much as it's assumed I won't look for a girlfriend.

[clearlakequeen]

We really have no boundries other than my wife is allowed to decide who should know and who does not. Also, she wants me as a man in bed with her.
Other than that we trust each other unconditionally.

[Sheila]

We really have no boundries other than my wife is allowed to decide who should know and who does not.


Actually that is the only boundary Debs and I have ..... but, I am not allowed to let anyone know without her permission:straightface: ...... she says the world would know in minutes :rofl:

[suchacutie]

Let me start by saying that I'm married. To me that means that two people have come together to share a life. That sharing includes thousands of understandings and realizations about each other, from religion to politics to which way the toilet paper roll is placed in the receptical. Any time one of these things change it is noticed, especially after the almost 4 decades of marriage we have experienced. Thus, as far as Tina is concerned, I would call the details "understandings". But, then again, we have an understanding about so many thousands of things that this is just the way a marriage works. It's expected and nothing out of the ordinary. With that preamble:

1) Yes, we have understandings and they won't be any surprises without apriori discussions.

2) Yes, all phases of a marriage need understandings. 2a) As said above, it's called a marriage.

3) We talk about all of our understandings as issues arise. That's what communication is about.

4) I have preferences. This question is interesting: e.g. I'm not currently comfortable in that "in between time" when I'm transforming either way. My wife and I have talked about this and she voiced the opinion that this lack of comfort would probably pass. She has accidently violated that time recently and acknowledged it was a "oh...sorry", and hurried off. It was talked about and we moved on.

5) Our understandings about Tina have evolved over time. We were "lucky" in that Tina is a product of the two of us discovering her together, so we had to make it up as we went. Maybe that's one reason that our agreements and understandings are so comfortable for us and open for discussion as are the rest of our life understandings.

6) Regret does not make sense in a context where understandings are always up for discussion. Marriage is compromise and this topic is no different from any other.

7) Yet again, the relationship is the most important and love means supporting our partner. Tina falls into this same category. Maybe it's just that we're compatible but my only issue with Tina is that life gets in the way from her having enough time to explore herself. Heck, my wife asked me a while back if Tina was jealous of all my time as a male!

Thanks for this thread. This was a good idea and I hope it brings out many of the positive ways a relationship can handle our feminine selves.

tina

[Kieron Andrew]

she says the world would know in minutes :rofl:

shes not wrong lol

[Sheila]

shes not wrong lol

Well I am proud of her & I do revisit that boundary on a regular basis :D one day :daydreaming::):):)

[5150 Girl]

With my ex, there were boundries all over the place! You can't leave the house, and she didn't want to see it, hear about iit, or anything. There was never any discussion of reprocussions should a rule get broken.

With my Polar Bear, there are almost no bounderies. The olny thing is when in public, don't get to touchy feely,,, and try to disapear should we see any of her kin come'n. But, it's no biggie should eiter of thease fail.

[Midnight Skye]

We used to have quite a few boundaries... but that all fell apart when my wife realized I was TG and I pushed hard on my needs in that area.

At this point we only have two boundaries: Our granddaughter is not allowed to know unless I were to go completely full time. We are to ask to borrow each others clothes.


1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............
We never agreed on what action would be taken if the line was crossed. My wife simply trusted I wouldn't push her too hard on serious no-no's

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............
2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO
When I first came out to here, I think boundaries were a blessing. They gave me the opportunity to express myself with my wife, while knowing she had given me the OK to do it as such. It also helped to know what she wasn't comfortable and why. We always discussed why a boundary was in place, that is if a boundary existed... it should exist for some emotional or conventional reason, NOT just because she said so.

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ?
We would review boundaries generally when I wanted to push one. Which is to say, we would review a boundary when I had reached a point where I was seriously uncomfortable with the "limitation." Sometimes we'd review boundaries from the opposite perspective. Which would be when my wife was feeling more comfortable with things and felt she could let a boundary go.

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?
Only that we both are to ask to wear each others stuff :)

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix?
We generally only discussed and settled on boundaries when we were calm and rational.

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how.
No for the remaining boundaries... but early on yes yes yes! Typically I would focus on a single boundary that was bothering me... which limited my growth/expression. I would then slowly (weeks) talk to my wife about her issues around it and then work with her to make her more comfortable in our relationship and how my dressing fit in. If things worked out and I was able to get her emotionally comfortable with dropping the boundary we would. Otherwise we'd put it back on the burner and I would respect it.

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing

Our boundaries were always in place with the understanding they would evolve and disappear as she and I became more comfortable with my dressing and feminine self. And that's ultimately how it worked out.

[Deborah Jane]

I do revisit that boundary on a regular basis :D one day :daydreaming::):):)

That boundary stays put for now, Sheila respects that and my need for it :)

In answer to the rest.....

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............

The boundaries [such as they are] were agreed between us

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............

In some situations, yes I do, for the sake of both parties

2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO

We both agreed from the start that we would discuss if and when boundaries would need to be put in place, so far we find very few are needed

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ?

If neccesary, we discuss it

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?

Only that she doesn't tell anyone and everyone

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix

Willingly

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how

No

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing

Yes

[Jonianne]

following on from another thread,

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............

I'm glad you included "agreed action to be taken" in the question. If the OP in the other thread had directly answered that question from several of us, then there would have not been quite the controversy and the original intent of the OP to warn others about violating boundries, would have come through.

In my first marriage my wife and I did not discuss boundries and I was just using guess work and the "pink fog" to guide me. Needless to say it didn't end well. That is why when I met my wife now, we very much discussed boundries and groundrules well before we even married. Later, we also included some consequences, but nothing serious unless I were to become beligerent in violating boundries.


2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............

Yes, in a relationship, for both to maintain a healthy sense of self and to feel safe, it is important to discuss many issues and set boundries as necessary. ie How to deal with the discipline of step children for example.


2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO

Because we both think for ourselves and if things aren't discussed openly, we could easly cross unknown boundries. In my first marriage, if we had discussed about my dressing in the bedroom, things might have been somewhat different.


3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ?

My wife and I now have a good feel for each others comfort level, so the only time we discuss is when we feel we need a change.


4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?

With my first wife, near the end of our marriage, she was threating to throw all my cloths out (on maladvice from an ex-TS counselor) and I let her know that if she did, I would file charges and have a court make her pay for them. That was the only boundry I set.

The only boundry I asked my wife now to respect, was to not ask me to go back into the closet.


5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix

I think we have always calmly discussed our boundries and groundrules.


6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how

Not at all. I am happy.


7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing

There are always situations where we have to feel each other out as far as dressing goes, as to when and where and then ask each other, but after 11 years of Angel and I being together, we pretty much know how each other feels now. Most often she is the one who takes the inititive to ask me if I want to dress for a certain outing.

[JulieC]

following on from another thread,

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............

2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ?

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing

1) My wife and I have agreed boundaries, but there's no sentencing guidelines for violating them. :) Seriously; the guidelines are there on my recommendation, not something she imposed, and they make a lot of sense. I can't imagine any scenario in which I would violate them, and neither can she.

2) Early on, I think my (now) wife understanding the scope of my CDing was helpful. But, it wasn't a boundary per se; just "this is what it means to me" It expressed a limit of myself, my own wishes in CDing. The boundaries are descendant from that. In abstract, I'd suspect the boundaries are useful for some spouses so they can feel some sense of stability, control even over the situation.

3) We don't review the boundaries. We often have discussions about CDing, but it's never about boundaries really.

4) I haven't placed any boundaries on her, nor do I feel any reason to do so. Not sure I can imagine any such boundaries, except maybe a prohibition on getting into my femme stuff or something like that, but I would never place such a boundary. She borrows my stuff at will. In fact, yesterday she was wearing a half slip of mine that has a very beautiful deep lace trim. I really like that slip, but haven't worn it for quite a while. I noted it had stayed in her drawers a long time, and she smiled and said "Possession is 9/10ths fo the law!" :)

5) The boundaries were something we discussed rationally and calmly.

6) I don't regret any of the boundaries, as I'm the one who suggested them and my opinion of them hasn't changed, nor has my wife's. If they did, I'm sure we'd talk about it.

7) Absolutely; and that applies to all things in our marriage.


You didn't ask what our boundaries are, but I'll supply them to provide some context;
1: No going out in public en femme in places where it is reasonably likely I/we will run into people we know. Running into people we know with me en femme places control of knowledge of my CDing in other people's hands. All it takes is one person to know.
2: Dressing at work is ok, but never in any way that is likely to cause my employer to know I crossdress, as that could harm my employment which is a threat to the well being of my family.
3: Our kids are not to know. If discovery happens, it happens and we'll have a discussion. But, no intentional revelation at least until they are out of school.

Within those rules, I'm free to dress as often as I like, shave whatever I like, wear whatever I like, go wherever I like, do whatever I like.

[Dame Gerous]

following on from another thread,

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............

2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ?

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing




My SO and I don't really have "boundries". We love each other unconditionally and so far, this has worked for us. I mean, yes, there is 1 boundry and that is, not in front of her son. Other than that, we are both exploring who we are and enjoy mostly how we fit together. She even signed up here waaaay before I even discovered this forum. I guess, until we come across something we both don't approve of, we are without boundries as I could never limit her on who she is and what she does and she would never do that to me either.
I am lucky in that fact that we are solid as the rock of gibralter and love each other as we do. Supporting each other in life. I mean, isn't that the way it's supposed to be. I feel for those who do not have this with their SO and wish that they will either help their SO understand it as much as they can, and hope their SO loves them enough to be able to understand.

The world would be a much better place if it would just listen to me.

Happy Monday All!

[Lexine]

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed?

The only boundaries that we've set are based off of the idea that no one else other than the people we trust will know of what I do. She's alright with not telling her parents about it and won't tell them unless I allow her to, and she's perfectly okay with that.

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed?

In the cases I mentioned, yes.

2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO

Right now we're unsure as to how other people outside our immediate circle will react. We're measuring this as we go along to see how open they'd be to the idea.

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place?

Not too often.

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing?

Nope.

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix?

It was agreed on willingly.

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how?

Nope.

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing?

The boundaries were placed as a way to protect our relationship and our relationship with other people. Aside from my CDing as an "act," there really isn't anything different between our relationship and any non-CD relationship I've had before other than I can go out in other types of clothes and act in a particular manner.

[Lorileah]

My only stated boundary was "Don't do anything that will embarrass me in public." I never broke that...well not because of what I was wearing.

I don't like limits being set and agreed upon in a marriage. When you do this it just seems to be a precedent to "I don't trust you as far as I can throw you." Relationships evolve and boundaries are often self imposed. I know, as a human, that I am not perfect. I know anyone I am involved with, as humans are not perfect. Unless someone dies from what the other does or something similar, it should be looked upon as a learning experience. But that is just me. I don't like jealousy, possessiveness or anything like that. They are their own person. They have the right to be their own person. When you start putting limits and boundaries on them you start to smother them. And how does one react to being smothered? By lashing out and struggling. Which can only lead to resentment on one side or the other and that will feed anger. It is a vicious circle that will eventually lead to a post here about how someone left someone else. Why do people think they should control their mates? How does that old saying go? "Do not lead me for I may not follow..."

[minalost]

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............

Yes I have boundries, but they seem kind of loose. No specific "action" in case of boundry crossing - but I'm guessing fairly harsh: divorce...

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............

Yes, the pink fog needs to be kept in check somehow...

2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO

See pink fog above...

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ?

Haven't. Might be needed sometime in the future, but not right now.

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?

Just not to "out" me to anyone without prior discusion. Otherwise, I'm not worried about her "messing" with my stuff or anything.

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix

Willingly and with some forthought.

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how

I think that they will need to be reviewed at some point, but I have no regrets about the currant boundries.

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing

Hmm, I think so... IF I understand what you're asking...
:hugs:

[Rachel Morley]

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed. Today, I don't really have any boundaries (except for transitioning) but in the past when I first came out of the closet (5 years ago) and we were both "pushing the envelope" there were some things that my wife did not prefer that she be a part of (like going out in public in daylight). No, we never discussed what would happen if a boundary was broken because both of us trusted the other one completely and neither of us expected it to be broken .... and it never was.

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ? I think its important to talk openly about each others, goals and expectations related to the CDing and then, depending on your relationship, I think boundaries can be agreed upon.

2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO. Because "boundaries" if that's what people want to call them, are really just agreements to respect the other person's preferred "levels of exposure" if I can put it like that.

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ? When we had them, we never reviewed them. It was just a case of one day my wife suggesting that I do something that was previously something she didn't prefer. i.e. she knew I wanted to go out in daylight and over time she got used to idea and suggested it to me one time.

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ? See above

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix? Calmly, quietly, rationally and willingly. It's about showing empathy for the other so it goes both ways.

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how? No, none.

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing. Yes. Love and respect are the key. The CDing is not more important than the marriage as a whole. In fact, in my personal experience, any boundaries that were in place in the beginning disappeared fairly quickly and it was this forum that helped it happen. We were (still are) both members here and reading about all the things that other couples were doing made it feel more "normal" and so we tried doing it too ... BUT ... it has to be said that I am super duper lucky to have a wife who really didn't have any particular issues with it. It was only going out in public in daylight, when I first started pushing the envelope that she was uncomfortable with. Nowadays as you will see from my album pics and Flickr, she is not bothered by anything now. She often says CDing for her was like tasting new food, you have to try it 10 times before you start to get a liking for it! :)

[PretzelGirl]

I think this gets overcomplicated sometimes. My wife has boundaries for me; not near as much as when I first started dressing. What does that mean? As adults in a relationship, we should be aware of each other's feelings and act appropriately to show that we care about those feelings.

This isn't a judge, jury, and executioner situation. I could have stayed single and in the military if I wanted to live that way. It is about mutual respect and love. If I know something bothers her, I sure better consider the pain I would put her through if I did it. No, I don't expect her to exact a punishment on me. I would expect her to put that on the list of reasons to leave me (an empty list at this point, I hope).

She isn't my parent or boss. We are having a life together and one way of expressing your love for another is to act right when the other has a concern.

Now everyone defines marraige differently, so I don't expect everyone to feel the same. But this is how I define mine.

[clearlakequeen]

Actually that is the only boundary Debs and I have ..... but, I am not allowed to let anyone know without her permission:straightface: ...... she says the world would know in minutes :rofl:

Sheila, we have something else in common. I'm married to a Debs as well, we are best girlfriends if their ever were any.
Kisses

[SusanMarie]

No 'boundaries' here...
Usually my SO and I discuss the situation(s) and simply come to a consensus.
She is very supportive and I am a very fortunate person.
:D

[Joanne f]

[QUOTE=Sheila;2157776]following on from another thread,

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............
We have no boundaries set as far as CDing go`s

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............
It would be sensible to set boundaries in some relationships

2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO
n/a

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ?
n/a

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?
no

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix
n/a

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how
n/a

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing[/QUOTE

We have no boundaries as we both respect and know each other i sometimes shy away from her openness towards it but certainly do not see it as braking any boundaries and find it amusing afterwards.

[Cheryl James]

My wife, unilaterally, established boundaries:

1. Don't ever wear women's clothing again
2. Don't ever go onto any internet site that pertains to
crossdressing

If anyone has read any of my posts this week, it could be said that I am having a difficult time living in that cage. I don't think that there is middle ground that will satisfy both of our needs. I'm trying to figure out an endgame that will keep me in my kid's lives.

I could live with some boundaries, e.g., don't share clothes, don't share make-up, don't embarrass.her, but I can't live with a tourniquet around my need to do this.

[Shananigans]

First off, I'm a GG...just to avoid any confusion with this post.


1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............
-This is somewhat fluctuating based on how I've grown to understand things. My initial fears were that he wanted to transition, or that he would leave me for a man. After that was cleared, I was opposed to shaving. Now, I help my SO with hair removal. Our only boundaries now are that I don't want to lose the guy I fell in love with. This hasn't really been a problem at all. He lazes around in feminine clothes a lot (multiple times a week and I don't mind), but doesn't go all out in Hannah very much. (Seldom enough that I usually suggest he break out Hannah). I think this might have a lot to do with the level of preperation that goes into going all out, and the fact my SO is somewhat lazy. (Well, he is!) Also, it was understood that we can borrow certain things from each other, but we always have to ask first.

Oh, and "agreed action." I don't really know. Probably just talk about it and figure out what is going on.

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............
-Sometimes they can be limiting. You don't want to be holding each other back from anything. So, at this point in our relationship where we are not married but thinking towards that future...these "boundaries" are stating our expectations and whether we are right for each other to actually have a future in marriage. My expectations are that I do not mind if he dresses frequently, but I do not want him living his life dressed as a woman 24/7. He has said he has no interest in that...so, all is well. Also, he is no more likely to cheat on me or leave me for a man, than I am to cheat on him or leave him for a woman.

2a) If so can you say why for you and your SO?
-See above.


3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place?
-Never really.

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?
-N/A

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix?
-Willingly. It was over a few conversations.

6) Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how?
-Things are going well. I regret some of the things that I said when I first found out in the heat of the moment, and especially about the shaving. But, I think those things have been cleared up now and it is "water under the bridge."

7) Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by his actions re dressing
-I believe so. We are pretty open, so if we are having any problems...I would hope that we would just talk to each other about it before it turns into a real problem.

[Stephenie]

Yes there are boundries. Set by her and not agreed to by me. As of right now we live with a don't ask and I won't have to lie type of boundry. Not sure that I would lie, but it might cost me my marriage, She was not asked but I'm reasonable sure that she suspices.

[lizlizzie]

I am a GG and my spouse is transexual M2F.


following on from another thread,

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............

They could be called boundaries, but basically it is what I am able to accept and still maintain our relationship. She wants to maintain our relationship and it is not about imposing my will on her but just what I can live with.


a) No sexy lingerie in bed, that is my pervue. It is something that she started buying for me when we first married and for her to wear the sexy lingerie would diminish that memory and those gifts for me.
b) Don't borrow my stuff. This one is flexible in the sense that I am not going to say you can't use my nail polish remover, but definitely no borrowing my clothes.
c) That she does not have SRS. If she feels she must then we need to accept that we can't be together. I am not willing to give up sex with a real penis. However, since I am 50 and she is 12 years younger, I am willing to re-examine my position in the future. She doesn't see it as something she can afford anytime soon and for her it is more important to have her face and breasts taken care of first. She also understands that it is necessary to me and my happiness and she wants to be with me.
d) That if there were a special family event involving my children, like Christmas, that she would just dress non-gender as my children are very uncomfortable with the whole idea.

We didn't make consequences. Either we respect each other's needs or we don't. If we don't, then we need to know that now. Though a minor infraction, such as taking jewelry without asking, I would probably just demand some type of postive action on her part, like give me a back rub. To violate the lingerie would hurt me immensely and I don't know what I would do. To proceed with SRS before I am ready would result in a divorce.

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?.Yes

2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO. I think we both need to be able to express what we are comfortable with and what we can or can't live with in our relationship. In a marriage both parties need to be able to express their needs.

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ? As we grow and as our needs change, if they do, then we will review them.

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ? See 1d

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix? Willingly, after much thought and discussion with the emphasis on that if she must have SRS then I just wanted honesty so that we could both move forward without hatred or guilt.

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how? Not at this time. Initially, until I became more educated, I had lots of rules, based on ignorance.

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing. N/A

[Gisele]

No boundaries here at all. Jenn is in fact 100% behind me in what ever I choose to do when it comes to Gisele. As I am behind her 100% in life.:)

[Tasha McIntyre]

1)How many of you have agreed boundaries & have also an agreed action to be taken should those boundaries be crossed .............

We have agreed boundaries.......in that they were set by her and agreed upon by me. Actions if broken, angry face and angry words, possibly accompanied by the temporary loss of ummmmm 'bedroom activity'

2)Do you in fact think boundaries are needed ?............

Yes

2a)If so can you say why for you and your SO

My pink fog needs to be controlled,

3)How often do you review any boundaries you have in place ?

Boundaries need to be reinforced, as in the wife will say, "you haven't done bla bla bla, have you?

4) Have you placed any boundaries on your SO re your dressing ?

Yes, don't try and blanket ban all CDing.

5) Were the boundaries agreed on willingly, in the heat of the moment or a mix.

Agreed on after she thought about it for a while

6)Do you regret agreeing to any boundaries & are you trying to change those ......if so how

No regrets, but I wouldn't mind if I could go out on a Wednesday nights to our (local CDers) regular coffee shop haunt. One of the boundaries are daytime CDing, and only when the kids are at school and the wife's at work.

7)Or are boundaries taken as read in knowing each other well and trusting that neither will harm your relationship by your actions re dressing

Yes.

[Schatten Lupus]

The only boundry she asked of me was to move along at a pace that is comfortable for her, not to go too fast. But after almost two years and working on my voice is still too fast, I have been moving on anyways.

[Crysten]

My boundaries are set based upon the fact that I have children. I don't believe it's appropriate to expose them to their "feminine dad" as this may influence them in unacceptable ways.

That being said, I'm always the one to say "the reasonable solution should be the one to consider". So, my dressing takes a backseat to my kids, and that's reasonable.

My wife and I don't really need to discuss it, maybe we did once years ago...and that's that.