Wife Knows what to do

[Cool Stacy]

Well let me start by saying I had time last Thursday to dress. Got off early from work so I was thinking about it. Then my new dresses from ebay showed up and that was it had to dress. Well anyway my wife was acting wierd all weekend so I asked her what is the matter. She did not wanna tell me. So I kept asking her and she said, I know you were home doing what ever it is you do and I dont know what to think. So I asked her what it was she thought I did and she did not wanna talk about it. So I let it go, I have never told her I love to dress fully as a women. She just thinks it is a clothes thing. I do not know what to do. She will think it is her and I do not want her to look at me different. I dont know what to do.

[charlie]

Hello Cool Stacy!
Yes your wife probably knows that you dress as a woman and does not want to face it. Believe me, it will blow up at some time. At some point it will become a big deal. Right now she still does not want to face it. Perhaps you should have a talk with her about crossdressing before that point is reached. I did not and it has come to the point in my marriage where my wife and partner is threatening to leave. I should have been more proactive earlier. My advice....you should too!

[Shelly Preston]

I think you are going to have to make some time and explain it properly to her

You need to make sure you are prepared to answer her questions because she will have a few

I suggest you read the link in my signature which has lots of great advice

[sissystephanie]

The first thing you need to do is question yourself! Do you dress because you like feminine clothes, or do you dress because you want to be a woman?

If your answer is that you just because you like feminine clothes, then tell her that is why you do what you do! But make sure to let her know that you are still her man, regardless of what you have on.

On the other hand, if you dress because you really want to be a woman you have a real problem! Your wife married a MAN, not another woman!! That problem may be a marriage breaker for you, as it has been for many others!

I told my late wife about me being a CD before we married, and that I dressed simply because I like to. No desire at all to be a woman. She accepted me and we had almost 50 years together before cancer took her. But I never let her forget tht I was her man, no matter what kind of clothes I had on!!

The decdision of how to handle this is entirely up to you! But the questions I listed need to be answered first!!

[suzypier]

Maybe she know or maybe she don’t. Maybe it is something else.
Are you sure nobody saw you ? Did she found where you hide your stuffs ? If not, continue to ask her what is wrong and denied everything if she know. It is nice to be out of the closet but sometime it prevent problem to stay deep in the closet. Good luck, Suzanne

[Sheila]

Stacy you said
She just thinks it is a clothes thing. what exactly does that mean ? how much does she know exactly ?

[kimdl93]

honestly, Stacy, you have to talk with her about your desire to cross dress, openly and honestly. there's plenty of advice on this site for how to handle that conversation, so do some preparation and get it done with. Your wife is living now with fear and uncertainty. You owe it to her and yourself to talk this out.

[Jonianne]

....I do not want her to look at me different...

Your post touched my heart, Stacy. :sad: There are no easy answers. Try to focus your affection on her, but let her have some space for a while if she needs it. There are so many different variables, it's hard to think of what to tell you. How long have you been married? Do you know how far you want to go? Is she the love of your life? What can you sacrifice, what can you not sacrifice? If you both really love each other, it is possible to work it out. If you do get her to talk, ask her what boundries does she need to feel safe and at the same time let her know what you need as well to express who you are. Then work it out. Both of you going to counseling together could be benificial. Let her know there is a safe place here for her to join - FAB. Go to the loved ones sections here yourself and check out the sticky threads that deal with this issue. There is a lot of wisdom in relationships in the loved ones section.

One sad thing you will have to face is the fact she does have to look at you differently now. Not necessarly with any less love, but you are different from the image she thought she knew. That is a mistake so many of us made when we were not up front about our cd'ing. We have to own that mistake. So always be gentle and kind with her. Always listen to her feelings and acknowledge her feelings. Let them sink in and affect who you are, without losing your own sense of self.

My heart goes out to you and her and I wish you both the best! :hugs:


.....denied everything if she know....

Suzy??? Deny everything if she knows? Are you serious? Well, it's good to know we have a wonderful diversity of opinions here. :)

[Karen564]

I have never told her I love to dress fully as a women. She just thinks it is a clothes thing.

?????,
Sorry, but I'm a bit confused by what you really mean here...?

[NicoleScott]

Well, she knows something, and it upsets her. You should have that talk, but don't make her unless and until she wants to have it. Tell her that you want to have an honest talk about what's bothering her, and to let you know when she's ready.

[Sarah Doepner]

If she is anything like my wife, she could be thinking anything and it might be based more on Jerry Springer than on your reality. Until you actually discuss it with her you will have to trust she is thinking its a "clothes thing" and not ritual sacrifice.

[Kelly DeWinter]

There is a thread here somewhere that describes how to write a letter to your spouse, i could not find it. Mayby some of the other girls remeber where it is ?

Kelly

[SuzanneBender]

Almost every one of us on this site that has a spouse or S.O. understands your dilemma and our hearts and prayers are with you. Its a challenge that has to be faced. Unfortunately, only you can determine the best way and when to tell her. I just came out four months ago after almost 16 years of marriage. This is what I have found out...

If she knows about it and you indicate she thinks its just a clothes thing then it may be a little easier, but don't just assume she knows. I thought my wife had an inkling. She had no idea. All is not lost if it is more than a clothes thing. Just be prepared to put it all at risk as you try to determine where the balance is between this part of your life and the part that you have built in guy mode.

There is no way around it, she will look at you differently. In a moment you will never be regarded by her the same way again and once it is out there is no putting that cross dressed trans gender genie back in her fabulously decorated bottle. In my case there are moments that I think she looks at me like I am the best mate on the planet. There are other moments where I am sure she is looking me as a flawed human being and wishing that this would all disappear.

In all likelihood she will internalize some of this. She will question your relationship, question if she is less of a woman and question your motivations. I recommend counseling and at a minimum marriage counseling. We have found it has really helped us.

This all sounds negative. I don't consider it negative, but a lot of it is really tough. However, there are positives. We communicate better now than we ever have. Hard brutal, ugly, warm, caring, honesty is the only way to get at this and to gain acceptance. She needs to be able to share with you and you with her. You also gain a sense of living for the day. You appreciate the love of your life a lot more when you don't know what the next day brings. When you come out it is a roller coaster plenty of ups and plenty of downs, lots of fear and hopefully a feeling that it was all worth it in the end.

Best wishes and if you need to chat more don't hesitate to PM me.

[Peri Bender]

In my opinion, you need to tell her soon! The longer you hide it, the more she will resent it. The longer you lie, the harder it will be for her. I knew something was "different" but had no clue it was this. The sooner you tell her the sooner you can more forward together. Good luck and saying prayers for the two of you.

[Andy66]

Does your wife know how lucky she is to have a man who cares about her feelings and wants to talk?

I think you need to have a long talk somehow. She could be imagining all sorts of things that are much worse than crossdressing.

[sissyboy91]

hope it works out for the best

[joann426]

WELL STACY MY WIFE KNEW THAT ID LIKE TO DRESS TO FOR 7 YEARS AND I LOVED IT TO ALSO SHE BOUGHT ME SOME CLOTHES TO BUT ON APRIL 22ND NOW SHE IS MY X WIFE AND ILL HAVE MY OWN PLACE AND COME AND GOO WHEN I WANT WITH OUT SOME ONE TELLING ME TO QUIT WHAT I LIKE I REALLY DONT CARE JOANN IS GOING TO BE JOANN NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE SAY:love:

[VikkiVixen7188]

Just tell her. She is already thinking of you diferent.

[MrKunk]

Perhaps it is time to wait until she is in a really good mood and let her know everything.

[jerca]

Talk to her, explain your feelings. She might come to all the wrong conclusions if you don't communicate properly. Prepare yourself and then talk to her.

Wish you good luck!

LP, Jerca

[AlsoSamantha]

Deja Vu!!!

This sounds very much like my own situation, at the point my wife figured out something was going on.

When we finally had "THE TALK", I discovered her fears were far worse than anything that was actually happening. In short, the possabilities she was dealing with included;

-I was gay
-I wanted gender reassignment
-Whenever I wasn't with her, I was in drag and out in public
-I wanted to leave her to pursue this new life
-Everyone knew about this side of me but her
-etc., etc.

After my reassurances and some long overdue honesty, we were at least able to deal with it and get on with our lives. I won't say she's totally up for it, but at least she tries to understand. The best part is, I don't have to hide this, and I no longer feel like a criminal in my own home.

I say you should suck it up and have an honest dialog with her. The longer you leave it, the harder both your lives will be.

[Alice B]

As I have posted many times you need to sit down and talk to her about it. My wife was the same and I researched the web, found articles that fit me and gave them for her to read and digest. Then we sat down for THE TALK. I assured her that I was not gay, did not want to become a woman, but that really enjoyed being dressed and letting my female side out. We reached a working agreement and over the past few years she has grown more accepting and allows me much more freedom. Open, honest discussion, backed with assurance of your love for her will do wonders and reduce stress and strain. Good luck.

[AKAMichelle]

sounds like you need to keep plugging to get her to say what she is thinking. Otherwise the 800 pound gorilla in the room is going to get bigger and bigger. Your marriage will suffer unless both of you can communicate freely with each other.

[Cool Stacy]

Thank You Ladys for all the advice. I have to decide when to tell her. I am not gay or Bi. I just like to look and feel like a women. Not all the time but allot. It is harder since I had son. Thank You all again.

[~Michelle~]

So I kept asking her and she said, I know you were home doing what ever it is you do and I dont know what to think.

She said "I dont know what to think". Obviously she is very confused. You should always take the initiative to communicate, not just now but also in the future, keep coming back to her on a regular basis to talk about your crossdressing, even if it's only like 5-10min a month, so that she gets a good idea where you stand and where you are going. This way you often stay ahead of her confusion and it's a great way to create more trust. Regular communication will most likely also encourage her to bring up any questions by herself, instead of trying to hide them and wait until you take the initiative to communicate. Both of you need to learn how to talk openly about this or things might indeed go wrong in the long term. Take action now and not weeks or months later.

Good luck!

[ReineD]

Stacy, I've read some of your past posts and my heart goes out to you. :hugs:

Please take your time and read this thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841), and also all the links at the bottom. This is among the best advice I've read about telling a wife. Be prepared for all the questions that Marla mentioned, and just simply answer from your heart.

It is clear that you love your wife and your son dearly, and with your sweet temperament, I can't help but think that the talk will go much better than you think. If it does, above all else, don't take things too quickly afterwards. Your wife's priorities are different now with a new little one in the family, but if you continue to be sensitive and give her enough time to catch up with you, it will all pay off in the long run.
:love:

[Jenny Doolittle]

Hey Stacy

I also believe you should find a time to have that heart to heart with wife. The worse part about your partner not really knowing for sure what you do is that her imagination is filling in the blanks, and that may be much much worse then what is really going on. Lets face it, CDing is different, not in the norm, but it is who we are and NOT wrong. I would suggest you to have some research books that you might have for her to read. or have her come to the wives section here to understand what is actually different about you.

Good Luck.

[Presh GG]

Please Stacy,

Tell her the truth. Listen to the good advice here.
She really does want to know but can't bring herself to ask.

I wish you the best.

Presh GG