Do you have baggage with being TS?

[Stephanie Anne]

So I got to thinking. I really believe there is a generation divide over transsexual issues. Some have no issues at all and seem to transition easily. Others like myself, have had a hell of a time coming to grips with themselves.

So my question is how many of you have never experienced anguish or otherwise discomfort over gender identity?



What I am asking or meaning to ask is how many of you never had trouble knowing you are female even if born male or male even if born female?

How many of you have or had a hard time with this?



For me there was a ton of guilt, sorrow, anxiety, and years of wishing it would just go away. I never really had a means to understand this and just lived wit confusion and "I feel really stupid and freakish" without an outlet.


My theory is with the influx of information and acceptance for those who are younger have given them and easier time sorting through their gender issues without the turmoil of feeling something is wrong with them.

[Traci Elizabeth]

I am one of those who have never felt any negative feelings over being fem. I have enjoyed my femininity all my life.

If you are looking for an answer as to how one person can accept and embrace their femininity while others struggle their entire life with their gender, I have no answers. And can't even really tell you why I have been so happy always being fem. I just was.

But to be honest, I never tried to understand it. I have always felt like that is who I have always been and enjoyed being.

[kellycan27]

I figured it out pretty early on. My main issue was not in being a transsexual, but rather how to go about making it happen. I didn't have the knowledge,resources or backing at that age. I have never had the..OMG! why am I like this feeling. I pretty much accepted the fact that I felt like I was a girl inside.

Kel

[Super Amanda]

I didn't mean to come off like it was easy to get to where I am so far, I don't think anyone has had a seamless transition. I'm a single parent of a six year old boy, that is a huge issue in itself.

It's just that for me, self acceptance was the key to happiness, and it sounds cliche, I know, but I do believe it could work for others.

Like Kelly said, I knew I felt like I was a girl since before elementary school, it was just that it seemed to be an impossible dream, until I got the Internet, and saw that not only was it possible, but that many, many had already successfully transitioned, at every age and ethnic level I could imagine.

I acquired self acceptance through realizing I was far from the first, and far from the last person like me, and how badly do I feel the need to be a woman? Well, I felt like I would rather die than get any older living a lie.

I got to a point where I stopped making excuses for why I can't, and started to make appointments with my doctor to take a step forward, and since I got moving, I keep on picking up speed so there's no stopping now! I knew I was letting my fear get the best of me, and I'd had enough.

[Faith_G]

I only spent about 20 years hating myself. :straightface:

It wasn't until I felt God's acceptance that I accepted myself and prepared to move on with my life.

[Deborah Jane]

How many of you have or had a hard time with this?


Had and still having, I'm not sure I can really deal with it :sad:

[Teri Jean]

being older the stigma of being different kept me fighting the urges longer than some. At my worksite, a university, we see a number of diverse people from all walks and nationalities. A number of years ago a transwoman used the athletic facillities where I work and she drew a lot of attention in the process. She was living her life and the acceptance for her choices was not there but tolerated. I thought she had more courage than many could muster but again I couldn't see how I would be able to do the same.

Forward 15 yrs plus and now I am that transwoman. What changed is a lot of self acceptance and the realization I need to live my own life and not those of my acquaintences including family. I also feel for me the mortality we all must face some day has a large contribution in the process. What ever is your experiances and needs make your path differ from others.

Teri

[SamanthaStMichaels]

From the age of 5 through almost my teens, I knew I was a girl. I was tormented everyday by bullies. I was constantly called a sissy. I saw a 20/20 episode that portrayed transsexuals as mentally ill. So I hid it from everyone. When I reached my teens, I figured it out. I went into total stealth. I role modeled other boys around me and became a total homophobe. That lasted until I got out of high school. Tried to join the navy to prove my manliness and was rejected due to a few physical handicaps. Then went into professional wrestling to prove my manhood.

I got caught up in the rock n roll life style, until my 30's when I started facing my gender issue again. At which time recessional drug seemed to be my answer. If you do enough of them you OD, and that was the plan. I eventually got clean and just started dealing with it. Until 1997 when the internet became available to me :D.

The internet allowed me to understand and let me know I wasn't alone. All I can say in to anyone that need help is research, study,, find a therapist, use search engines, study personal development and life coaching. Learn to understand what you are feeling and learn how to deal with it.

[Karen564]

What I am asking or meaning to ask is how many of you never had trouble knowing you are female even if born male ?

I always knew I was female inside...no matter how hard I tried to not think about it & try to be male..but that was utterly impossible to escape the way I felt in my head..and detested looking at myself because it didn't match the way it felt in my head...I just felt Total dysphoria ever since way before puberty & for 40 years after that ..
So no, I never had trouble knowing I was Female, but what I did have a problem with, was being born into a male body..




How many of you have or had a hard time with this?


The hard time for me was dealing with the shame of what I was, since I felt like a freak of nature and the only one on the planet feeling this way, and growing up terrified of what my parents would do to me if I ever spoke a word of this to anyone..
Then over time I learned to hide it better and honestly thought it would fade away as I got older, so I picked up lots of baggage along the way, just as many other older TS's do...
Then the dam burst at age 43..and I had to make an extremely hard decision...whether to die or transition..and the rest is history...

The younger ones today have the advantage of having so much more information at their fingertips to make an informed decision & can transition at an early age before they acquire lots of baggage....and for that, I'm so happy for them because I would hate to see them suffer as long as I had to..so God bless all of them that can transition early & enjoy life as young women..

[Daenna Paz]

The hard time for me was dealing with the shame of what I was, since I felt like a freak of nature and the only one on the planet feeling this way, and growing up terrified of what my parents would do to me if I ever spoke a word of this to anyone..
Then over time I learned to hide it better and honestly thought it would fade away as I got older, so I picked up lots of baggage along the way, just as many other older TS's do...

The younger ones today have the advantage of having so much more information at their fingertips to make an informed decision & can transition at an early age before they acquire lots of baggage....and for that, I'm so happy for them because I would hate to see them suffer as long as I had to..so God bless all of them that can transition early & enjoy life as young women..[/QUOTE]

Well said, Karen ... I can't count how many "older" TS's I have heard the identical thing from ... including myself!
But here we are ... and I don't know if I would trade it away, even if I could.

[Diane Elizabeth]

Still fighting myself over acceptance. Not sure if I am winning the battle or not. Trying to understand and how to accept it.

[Hope]

I am not sure I would describe my experience as "anguish" but I think everyone has some sort of baggage. This is some heavy stuff. If you don't have some "baggage" associated with it, it is probably a red flag you don't really understand what is going on.

[Bones]

I am, at times, horrified that I'm transsexual. It's like, "Really? I'm one of those people? Why can't I be normal? Why is this happening to me?"

I just... I can't believe it sometimes.

But anyway, in my youth, I did not want a gender. Maybe that's because I thought it was so impossible to be a boy, so I rejected gender altogether. I just wanted to be "just a person." I'd ask loaded questions like, "What does gender matter anyway?" I tried to get everyone to stop caring about gender so I could feel safe.

I think guilt and fear kept me from saying, "MOMMY I HAVE A PENIS!!" when I was a little kid. So many trans guys talk about how when they were kids they'd just holler, "I'M A BOY!" Well... I couldn't do that. I understood at a very young age that my anatomy was female, and that no matter what I felt inside, it was just a big joke, because I was born a girl. So... I couldn't say, "MOMMY MY NAME IS THEODORE" or something because I felt like that was a lie. I did not understand transgender, or that a boy could be born in a girl's body.

Even having grown up in the 90's I was not able to discover the "validity" of my gender identity until the end of high school.

Edit: Wow, there are so many ladies in this forum!! I used to being in forums full of guys. This is great! :happy: Haha.

[luvSophia]

I've never had problems with guilt or shame for being who I am. I did have a LOT of anxiety leading into depression over this problem I had of not being the right gender and not having a clue as to what I was going to do about it.

[kellycan27]

This is some heavy stuff. If you don't have some "baggage" associated with it, it is probably a red flag you don't really understand what is going on.


While I do agree that this heavy stuff, I believe that some of us are so in tune with ourselves that we just know that what we are doing is the right thing for us. Self discovery at a young age has the advantage of not having yet experienced the societal pressure that older folks are saddled with. So I believe that it is much easier for us to deal with as we have had these feelings long before we are subjected to society's notion the male role vs the female role. By the time I reached what one might call the "age of discovery" the feeling that I was female was already ingrained. I rejected the notion that it can't be because I knew in my head and heart that it was. I can't explain it, but some of us just know and are content and comfortable with it.
Any turmoil that I experienced seemed to come from outside sources rather than an inner struggle. I am sure that it's hard for some to understand if they haven't been there.
:2c:

Kel

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I am, at times, horrified that I'm transsexual. It's like, "Really? I'm one of those people? Why can't I be normal? Why is this happening to me?"

I just... I can't believe it sometimes.



I like this statement ....i lived this at a school presentation i did...i was there to present my point of view to a room full of future physician asst's....the teacher at one point said ..."and we have a transsexual here today".....who me? OMG my heart just fluttered...however, i'm glad to say that it was more excitement and pride...Yes its me!!!!

replacing being ashamed and horrified with being content and proud is a pretty good thing...

that wasnt always the case tho...age is a biggie...living as a guy for 45 years, then moving to a new role brings all kinds of challenges not faced by folks that transition early...

the balance is shifting because a whole generation of people like me that grew up in silence and shame are replaced by folks like Kelly that just said "oh, i need to transition" .....if i knew when i was 18 what i know now, i would've transitioned in a heartbeat...but i didnt, and i ate my feelings all by myself...ugh my internal dialogue sucked for so many years that i am still battling to feel good about myself...

of course, we all face the same societal and cultural problems..and they are very significant

[noeleena]

Hi.
Being in tune & being able to sound the right note at the right time , not before or after . that is how i knew i would live as a woman , not think i would like to be one , not even think, how to be one ,
Just knowing inside so deep down that nothing could ever change what you were or are . it was just there.

To put that in words & explain that , oh dear that was another matter. that was 50 years ago . 12 years ago on one day i knew that i was going to live as my self a woman it was all there ,
Just the hell of involving family & others to see it through , to be accepted , not so much as a woman to be accepted as who you really are .

The struggle is for family to accept you & then as a woman , what they have seen over the years is not allways the real you, & when that happens they have problems in seeing more of you than they have for us at that time over 24 years & now , its 37 ,

& no baggage concerning my self as a transfemale androgynous woman, none at all .
As a person oh yea & a lot of that has been worked through. not perfect just getting there ,

...noeleena...

[Traci Elizabeth]

If you don't have some "baggage" associated with it, it is probably a red flag you don't really understand what is going on.

I don't accept this premise whatsoever.

As with anything else in life, TS's can fit anywhere on the continuum line of experiences. From the far right extreme - suicide to the far left of a very positive happy enjoyable rewarding successful transition, and everywhere in between.

Just because some of us don't have "baggage" is a positive thing not a sign of "naivety."

Just because when it comes time to confess all of our transition "downers" and we have nothing to confess does not mean we are in denial. It means we are one of the "lucky few."

[Melissa A.]

Well, Yeah. I do. I knew that I was female when I was 4. Knew. Even at that young an age, I somehow had an awareness of the differences between boys and girls, and I remember clearly now, (although for many years, it was mostly blurry, just out of reach) wishing, hoping, crying in my bed at night. I also had a pretty keen awareness of what my world, and the world outside, was like in 1963. Something told me, "You do not talk about this". So one day, a couple of years later, after you have realised you're actually going to wake up a boy everyday, you discover what it's like to create the illusion of being female, and boy, it's a revelation. And as far as you know, the only solution available to you. Heck, it wasn't until I was 17 that I discovered that one could actually do this. And when I learned one could change their outward sex, in congruence with who they are, it should have been another revelation, and there WAS alot of longing, envy, wishing...But instead, on the surface, I said,"that's not me". By that time I already had so much invested in alternately trying so hard to be a guy, and finding peace and solace in private crossdressing, that I suppose that adding THIS into the mix was simply too much...The peace I found in dressing was mixed with a whole lotta self hate, guilt and loathing, thanks to my culture. Dealing with being THAT? Outta the question.

So yeah, I have baggage. And some bad habits...the result, I suppose, of decades of inwardly hating all I carried around. And furiously chasing other's definition of happiness, in things outside myself.

A friend of mine often wonders how any of us make it without putting a bullet in our heads. I had alot going for me, in retrospect...A loving family that was by no means perfect, but who always made it clear that my emotional health was important to them...I was always a fairly easy going, easy to get along with person, despite all the stuff going on inside(but my private temper tantrums were something to behold!) And I think I often got lucky with the friends I made along the way.

Anyway, I fought it until the bitter end, until the dysphoria made my life all but unmanagable. I actually think I suffered 3 or 4 undiagnosed nervous breakdowns in the couple of years leading up to the beginning of my acceptance. It's when you start to become aware....when you let yourself feel, that it's the worst. At least initially.

Now, I'm so grateful for the ability to feel. Yeah, I have baggage, still some bad habits, (that's why they call them habits!) and most of all, some sadness that I suspect may never completely leave me. But I allow myself to feel all of that. I welcome it. The sadness, the pain, the loneliness, even when I was in relationships, it was all buried, for so long. The emotional flood that came with all that relatively sudden awareness was so, so unbelievabley hard to deal with. But ya do. Ya persevere. And ya get help. I did.

Yeah, I have baggage. So what? I'm free.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[EnglishRose]

Baggage for me? Well, to use a metaphor, it's been like travelling happily around the world even when the airline has lost all my suitcases. I arrive home with my wife and son, and find all my lost baggage dumped on me at once.

Even though the signs were there I didn't know until a few months ago. Of course, me being the shy oversensitive person I am, I've never presented female during the daylight and have just started taking steps to rectify that. Like everyone says I bet the sky is not going to fall down when I do, but I will be the obvious extremely tall guy, to others, for some time.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Here I go again. This is one of my "favorite" topics - "baggage". At 65 years of age, I have accumulated a lot of baggage over the years. I think that because of the time that I was born in and grew up in, that contibuted to my accumulation of baggage. Sometimes when I read about how many of you grew up, I am so amazed at how similar our pasts have been. I have heard it said, especially for we older (youth challenged) women, that the story of each of our lives is almost the same - and that all you have to do is change the name of the person and the rest is the same. I have found a lot of truth in that statement.

Just like so many of you, as I was growing up:

a) I knew that I was different, but did not know how to explain it
b) I prayed and dreamed every night that I would turn into a girl
c) I wanted to be a girl and that it was not right that I wasn't
d) I played with the girls instead of the boys
e) I knew that even though I felt that I was or should have been born
a girl, that somehow it was wrong to have these feelings - I did not
know why it was wrong, I just knew that it was
f) I did not understand why I wanted to wear girl's clothing - I felt
compelled to want to wear dresses
g) And I knew that other children never discussed this type of thing and
neither did adults
h) I thought that I had to be the only other person in the whole word who
felt this way
i) I had no access to the Internet or books or any information about this
j) I had no one to talk to - I sure could not talk to my parents or my
peers about how I felt inside - for fear of punishment, embarrassment,
shame and guilt
k) I had to keep all of this locked up inside - it became my
deepest, darkest secret that could not be revealed to anyone
l) I had to keep it a secret out of fear, humiliation, taunting, teasing,
shame, guilt, etc
m) I prayed that this would go away as I got older - and when it did not
go away, I had to become better at hiding the secret
n) I honestly thought that with adulthood and marriage that I would get
over all of these feelings that I had to live with every day and every
night
o) When that did not work, I tried to suppress my feelings for the benefit
of my spouse and my family and my career
p) And as we all know, that never works for very long - even though I
honestly knew that I was a woman inside and knew it all my life, for the
sake of others, I ran from it, hid it, denied it - and yes, stated that I
did not want to be "One of Those Persons"
q) There has never been a single day or night in my life that these
thoughts about needing to actually be and live as a woman did not
fill my thoughts and my yearnings
r) "Why me" - "why me" - I have asked so many times - the pain, the
turmoil, the anguish, the stress, the depression, the inability to cope
become some very heavy baggage
s) "Why can't I deal with this" - "why has it consummed my life"
t) And why after 65 years of fighting, denying, running away, have I come
to the point that I can't run away any longer - I am so tired of running
and hiding and lieing and denying and pretending to be a male for my
spouse and my friends and my career
u) It seems that I had to hit rock bottom - on the very edge of suicide,
before I could learn to accept my life of baggage accumulation - and I
think that the first step for each of us is:
1) accepting who and what we are - admitting that we
were born this way and we will die this way - that's life
2) stop running - stop denying - stop hiding
3) realizing that it is all right to be the way we are - it's OK
4) after acception to ourself, acception to others
5) coming to the realization that I am no longer ashamed to be
the way I am
6) dealing positively with shame, guilt, fear and embarrassment
v) I am thankful that our "younger" girls will not have to deal with the
degree of baggage that we "older" girls have had to - in fact I am
envious of them - if I had know then what I know now, I would have
transitioned in my 20's
w) When I hear my sisters talk about:
1) having a hell of a time coming to grips with themselves
2) having had a hard time
3) living with a ton of guilt, sorrow, anxiety, being a freak and
wishing that "IT" would go away
4) struggling with a lifetime of turmoil, anxiety, stress and
depression, inner torment, shame, guilt, embarrassment
5) asking "why me" over and over
6) not wanting to admit that you might be "one of those people"
I stand before you and state that I have been there - for 65 years,
I have been there.

So to reiterate, I accumulated a lot of baggage over the years - I think it has been pretty well stated by me in my 3600 plus posts on this website.

But now that I have accepted who I am - I am a woman - I have always been a woman on the inside - and now that I am no longer ashamed of being the woman that I was born to be, instead of accumulating more baggage, I have become a baggage handler. I can deal with it.

These are my thoughts.

JoAnne Wheeler

[Empress Lainie]

I'm a little older than JoAnne but in those days there was no information, so I can go and match her

a,b,c,d,e,g, h, i,

i didn't have a clue why I was different. And once I started with little things, ladies night gowns, wigs (what woman wants to be bald?) it was like sliding down a slippery slope and gaining speed continuously until finally one day I was shown the LIGHT, who I really was, by a trans sister, and KABOOM, I KNEW I was a woman, and began living as such that day.

I didn't have the suffering that so many of us have had. Sure it cost me a job I dearly loved and had for 20yrs, teaching nearly 800 kids instrumental music, and then I was unemployed for over 2 years. I also lost my ex when I told her, but it was due to HER old baggage not mine.

And even though I have said it many times it is worth repeating (at least for me!) I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER WITH MYSELF IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, OR HAPPIER IN GENERAL.

[Hope]

I don't accept this premise whatsoever.

As with anything else in life, TS's can fit anywhere on the continuum line of experiences. From the far right extreme - suicide to the far left of a very positive happy enjoyable rewarding successful transition, and everywhere in between.

Just because some of us don't have "baggage" is a positive thing not a sign of "naivety."

Just because when it comes time to confess all of our transition "downers" and we have nothing to confess does not mean we are in denial. It means we are one of the "lucky few."

Wait...

Me thinks the lady doth brag too much.

You have indicated in another thread that you are troubled by the idea that you might not get past seeing yourself as a trans woman and onto seeing yourself "only as a woman," and you indicated in another thread that you have concerns about transitioning and your work history...

And you think you don't have "baggage?"

Ok, but I stand by my original statement. Not having at least a few issues, or some "baggage" is probably a red flag you don't really understand what is going on.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Hope, what in tar-nation are you referring to about concerns about transitioning and my work history?

[kellycan27]

I agree with Hope in that we cannot be totally baggage and issues free.
Some of us just are better able to cope with or have them to a lesser degree.

[Bones]

I like this statement ....i lived this at a school presentation i did...i was there to present my point of view to a room full of future physician asst's....the teacher at one point said ..."and we have a transsexual here today".....who me? OMG my heart just fluttered...however, i'm glad to say that it was more excitement and pride...Yes its me!!!!

replacing being ashamed and horrified with being content and proud is a pretty good thing...

that wasnt always the case tho...age is a biggie...living as a guy for 45 years, then moving to a new role brings all kinds of challenges not faced by folks that transition early...

the balance is shifting because a whole generation of people like me that grew up in silence and shame are replaced by folks like Kelly that just said "oh, i need to transition" .....if i knew when i was 18 what i know now, i would've transitioned in a heartbeat...but i didnt, and i ate my feelings all by myself...ugh my internal dialogue sucked for so many years that i am still battling to feel good about myself...

of course, we all face the same societal and cultural problems..and they are very significantWow, thank you for sharing! I found this very inspiring. I hope I too can completely turn around anxiety and shame to pride and peace. :happy:

[Stephanie Anne]

So here is my next question.

I don't try and hide my pain and don't sugar coat my transition by pretending to be positive about it. Nor do I try and think I am happy all the time. I face my fears and work them out.

I vent and let go, I don't push things down until they burst.

How many of you do not admit you have issues for fear that you will invalidate your life choices?

[kellycan27]

So here is my next question.

I don't try and hide my pain and don't sugar coat my transition by pretending to be positive about it. Nor do I try and think I am happy all the time. I face my fears and work them out.

I vent and let go, I don't push things down until they burst.

How many of you do not admit you have issues for fear that you will invalidate your life choices?

After close to eight years of living as a woman I think that I have pretty much work through most of the things that one might consider as issues. It's like one day you graduate from TS school and you begin to live your life. Being a transsexual takes a back seat to life. If I had to do it all over again.. I would. I am only a transsexual for the purpose of discussion on these borards.When I shut down my computer I am just a girl trying to enjoy her life. I suffer the same trials and tribulations as anyone else, but being TS isn't IMHO..one of them.

[Hope]

How many of you do not admit you have issues for fear that you will invalidate your life choices?

Goodness that is an uncomfortable question to answer.

Realistically I hope that I can say that I confront my issues rather than suppress them - but that is the sort of thing that our brains are so good at concealing from us - it is hard to know.

Realistically, I am pretty open about exploring what it means for me to be trans-whatever that I think I am pretty aware of my issues and able to prevent them from controlling me... at least to a significant extent. But I would bet that there are still things that we all fight with that remain below the radar...

That is such a prickly question.

I would like to be aware of all of my issues, I think I am, but how do you ever really know? I have been completely blindsided by thing like that enough times to realize that it is incomprehensibly hard to know when things like that are sneaking up on a person.


Hope, what in tar-nation are you referring to about concerns about transitioning and my work history?

Here:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=129534

And Here:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=132203

[Karen564]

How many of you do not admit you have issues for fear that you will invalidate your life choices?

Hmmmm, I could interpret that question to mean many things...

Like Fear That may....
Invalidate my decision to transition?
Invalidate my reasons for not killing myself?
Invalidate myself for living as a woman?
Invalidate my reasons for waiting so long to transition?
Invalidate my self-acceptance as Trans?
Etc., Etc., Etc....

Anyway, one issue that I have & it still haunts me even to this day & probably will until the day I die, was not discussing my transgendered feelings way back when I was a child...and kick myself everyday for the stupidity of the fears I felt back then ...because no matter what, I can't go back in time to change history ..so in the process, lost half my life trying to live as a male which was really never meant to be and that made my life like living in a nightmare and living hell on earth..
As a child, I had to pinch myself just to make sure I wasn't dreaming all this up, and hoped it was all just some bad dream (living as a boy that is) & wakeup with everything back to normal...
Because in my dreams as a child, I frequently lived a normal everyday girls life & with my same family, mom, dad, brother & sister...and it's pretty odd that I still remember all this, but I'd be laying in my bed sleeping (dreaming), then to be woken by my mother like she did every morning then & to pick out the clothes I was to wear that day & place on my chair...but when she said my name to awaken me, that dam name, that's when my dream would be shattered & realized I was still stuck in the nightmare living life as a boy, and not a girl after all..

Well, that's just another microscopic glimpse into this TS girls brain when I was about 5..

But I really don't think this was what you really wanted to know........was it....

So yeah, I have some issues, but everyone has issues, not just TG or TS people, but Everyone, which includes normal everyday folks, that I can guaranty you..

But like most, I deal with them...and I've had over 45 years worth of thinking of what to do with this whole transgendered thing I've had..., so I sure as hell ain't gonna rethink it all over now...

[Rianna Humble]

how many of you never had trouble knowing you are female even if born male or male even if born female?

How many of you have or had a hard time with this?

Always known I am female, wasn't able to deal with it for a very long time.


I figured it out pretty early on. My main issue was not in being a transsexual, but rather how to go about making it happen.

It's really encouraging to read about people like Kel, shows me it is possible to understand earlier than I did.


age is a biggie...living as a guy for 45 years, then moving to a new role brings all kinds of challenges not faced by folks that transition early...

the balance is shifting because a whole generation of people like me that grew up in silence and shame are replaced by folks like Kelly that just said "oh, i need to transition"

I can really identify with this, both the challenges and also the excitement at the change in the balance from those like Kaitlyn or me to those like Kelly.


Just like so many of you, as I was growing up:
{list snipped}
w) When I hear my sisters talk about:
1) having a hell of a time coming to grips with themselves
2) having had a hard time
3) living with a ton of guilt, sorrow, anxiety, being a freak and
wishing that "IT" would go away
4) struggling with a lifetime of turmoil, anxiety, stress and
depression, inner torment, shame, guilt, embarrassment
5) asking "why me" over and over
6) not wanting to admit that you might be "one of those people"
I stand before you and state that I have been there - for 65 years,
I have been there.

I haven't got JoAnne's length of experience, but I can match on a, c, e, g, h, i, j, k, r, u & v then add to that the guilt trip that was foist upon me by my involvement with a religious group as an adolescent.

Later, I decided that it was too late for me to do anything :eek: but luckily for me, I came to the point where I had to accept myself or end it all and I managed to accept myself. Now I just have to learn that the self-hate I have been grappling with for over 45 years does not mean that I will be an ugly old woman. Then I'll be ready to start my transition.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Anyway, one issue that I have & it still haunts me even to this day & probably will until the day I die, was not discussing my transgendered feelings way back when I was a child...and kick myself everyday for the stupidity of the fears I felt back then ...because no matter what, I can't go back in time to change history ..so in the process, lost half my life trying to live as a male

Boy you sure make it hard for a quoted reply!!:heehee:

Anyway...that's a very true statement for me as well...i relate to it 100%:hugs:
now you got me all mushy!!!

i think back to a little 8 or 9 or 12 year old boy, lying in his bed and there is nothing else going through his brain but being a girl...he just doesnt understand and he never ever ever tells anybody...he just eats it,

everysingle****ingdayafterdayafterday

....this makes me cry to think of....so i try not to!! sometimes i can't help it...

the same hold true for a mid forties woman, that looks back on her past and there is basically nothing there...there are lots of friends and family that love her but will always think of her as a guy....

it caused all kinds of anxiety, depression and worse...anybody that can deal with that and be good with it all the time is much stronger than me

[Karen564]

Boy you sure make it hard for a quoted reply!!:heehee:

Anyway...that's a very true statement for me as well...i relate to it 100%:hugs:
now you got me all mushy!!!

i think back to a little 8 or 9 or 12 year old boy, lying in his bed and there is nothing else going through his brain but being a girl...he just doesnt understand and he never ever ever tells anybody...he just eats it,

everysingle****ingdayafterdayafterday

....this makes me cry to think of....so i try not to!! sometimes i can't help it...

the same hold true for a mid forties woman, that looks back on her past and there is basically nothing there...there are lots of friends and family that love her but will always think of her as a guy....

it caused all kinds of anxiety, depression and worse...anybody that can deal with that and be good with it all the time is much stronger than me

Awww, I'm so sorry Kate, I didn't mean to get you all mushy too...I hope a hug helps....:hugs:

To be honest, I had a hard time writing that little piece from my early childhood, because it brought back many other memories from those early years, and frankly, it was hard to see what I typed by a sudden onset of a moisture problem I developed that obscured my vision for a bit.

And I can relate to what you said too, that many of our dear loved ones do inadvertently hurt us by not letting "him" go..and I really don't know if they ever will...but I still hope we can both live long enough to see the day when they do..:hugs:




Boy you sure make it hard for a quoted reply!!:heehee:

LOL...I guess I did at that ..........:heehee:

[kellycan27]

I would like to be aware of all of my issues, I think I am, but how do you ever really know? I have been completely blindsided by thing like that enough times to realize that it is incomprehensibly hard to know when things like that are sneaking up on a person.

Wouldn't that be nice? I think what you have described is just the human condition. Nobody can predict what tomorrow may bring....one day at a time sis.

Kel

[betty36]

just joined you girls a few days ago. have been reading all the post i could, now trying my first post,have no idea where it will end up. Betty36

[Kaitlyn Michele]

have at it betty!!! :hugs: guess what you can post as many as you want!!!

[olga]

I have not been able to identify my struggles about being different up until fairly recently. But I’ve got a sh*t load of baggage.

Thing is, all these boxes and suitcases have just been re-labeled. They’re en route to a permanent storage facility… :)

olga

[Rianna Humble]

So here is my next question.

I don't try and hide my pain and don't sugar coat my transition by pretending to be positive about it. Nor do I try and think I am happy all the time. I face my fears and work them out.

I vent and let go, I don't push things down until they burst.

How many of you do not admit you have issues for fear that you will invalidate your life choices?

The vast majority of my issues are to do with why I didn't accept myself earlier, these invalidate many life-choices from the past.

I have got to the stage now, where if I have any difficulties about what I am doing now or what I need to do, I will turn to my true friends to ask for help.

For me transition is less of a life-choice and more the choice of having a life.

[Stephanie Anne]

Thanks all for the great feedback and honest responses. Really made me feel better just reading through it all.

[suzy]

Well....I guess I look at things slightly different... I really don't want to be a female....I just like the feeling of being feminine on occasion (more often than not)....sort of like a dog that chases a car. He doesn't want to catch the car but likes to bark at the tires. (maybe that's not the best analogy.....sorry if it offends anyone). I enjoy both my male and female personna. I am me and sometimes me wants to feel like a feminine female and other times me wants to be all male. I am happy being well....just me!:love:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

hmmmm...

thinking of yourself as a dog...
lurking in the ts forum

no issues....hmmmm...just sayin
:heehee:

[Sheila]

........

[morgan51]

I really beleive that self acceptance is the key I spent 50+ years denying my inner woman and she refused to be silenced now that I embrace her and nurture her I am much happier. Its the rest of the world that is having trouble with my transition. My baggage is much less today and I'm hoping to jettison the remainder soon.

[SamanthaStMichaels]

The inescapable truth is we are what we think we are. There is no way around this. Whether you think yourself a woman, transsexual, an idiot, super genius, or a popsicle. You are the sum total of all your thoughts.

No matter what your decision is, you will never be invalid. It is however easier to accept what you know and go with the flow.

[olga]

You are the sum total of all your thoughts.

…and memories.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The inescapable truth is we are what we think we are. There is no way around this. Whether you think yourself a woman, transsexual, an idiot, super genius, or a popsicle. You are the sum total of all your thoughts.

No matter what your decision is, you will never be invalid. It is however easier to accept what you know and go with the flow.

what about your actions? i think by simplifying so much (your statement is true) you risk having no meaning to the statement..how you view yourself changes...

so you are a transsexual...does it matter whether you transition? does it matter whether you are too depressed to work and can't hold a job? that yourwife leaves you??? does any of that change how you think of yourself? i beleive it obviously does

in other words, being the sum total of all your thoughts...what are you gonna do about it?? thats what really matters...i'm all the above except popsicle...
and i continue to make choices based on all those thoughts and the way i think about myself changes all the time

[olga]

what about your actions? i think by simplifying so much (your statement is true) you risk having no meaning to the statement..how you view yourself changes...

so you are a transsexual...does it matter whether you transition? does it matter whether you are too depressed to work and can't hold a job? that yourwife leaves you??? does any of that change how you think of yourself? i beleive it obviously does

in other words, being the sum total of all your thoughts...what are you gonna do about it?? thats what really matters...i'm all the above except popsicle...
and i continue to make choices based on all those thoughts and the way i think about myself changes all the time

Totally agree… a matter of semantics, I think… You ARE the sum total of all your thoughts (and memories). You WILL BE different, you WILL change as a result of your actions, based on your thoughts… it’s all a journey, the present is just now, and it’s ever changing.

[SamanthaStMichaels]

what about your actions? i think by simplifying so much (your statement is true) you risk having no meaning to the statement..how you view yourself changes.

You actions are determined by your thoughts and yes your thoughts are constantly ever changing, due to experiences and what you learn along the way.


so you are a transsexual...does it matter whether you transition?

If you believe you are a transsexual, it doesn’t matter what phrase of your transition you are currently on. At least for you. Because it’s your belief, your thought. The physical aspect of it will only balance mind and body. There is a thread here. “Do You Ever Truly Get to the Point You FEEL 100% Woman?” I feel 100% everyday. I’m not that far into my journey. My spirit, my thoughts, my essence are 100% female. No one can tell me different.

We are not physical beings anyway.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Their life their thoughts, there experiences are theirs. You do not have to make them yours. There is only one person you have to deal with 24/7 and that’s you.


in other words, being the sum total of all your thoughts...what are you gonna do about it?? thats what really matters...i'm all the above except popsicle...
and i continue to make choices based on all those thoughts and the way i think about myself changes all the time

I myself am going to become me again and I am going to continue to transition. Into the person I have always known myself to be. I am the sum total of my thoughts and my actions will be guided by those thoughts. Those thoughts are ever changing, but my core beliefs remain the same.

You are what you believe you are. And I believe I’ll have another drink. :drink:

[~Emma D~]

From the day I first came out to my parents in the 70's I have been accumulating baggage. Now I am that baggage and its been getting heavier and heavier over the years to carry around without some of it falling off and hurting others.

Sooner rather than later, I will have to make another of lifes' choices and that will be hard, whichever way I turn - left or right.

[SamanthaStMichaels]

I just posted on my facebook

"Today I am going to just deal with today. Tomorrow I will deal with when it becomes today. Yesterday will never be today again. So I ain't gonna worry about it no more."

If I can just do that everyday. Things just might be better. :D

[Bree-asaurus]

I already lost some baggage on a connecting flight. I'm hoping by the time I reach my destination, I'll just have my purse :)

[Rianna Humble]

:rofl: :rofl: :roflmao:

[Katesback]

I threw out the baggage or sold it in garage sales!

Ok so I was being silly. Of course we all have baggage. We have to learn a lot in order to assimilate into society as productive women.

This is a VERY difficult task and takes years to get down to a point where it's well put toghether.

Of course transition is a lifelong process and to this day I still learn things. My girlfriend as she puts it "I am not like most women". I asked her one day what she meant. Her response was that I "am reasonable, logical, and make sense". She then mentioned she also was not like most women so go figure.

I personally dont give it much thought anymore but I am aware that at times I do react in ways that are more masculine than the average girl. So be it.

[docrobbysherry]

The phrase, " Life isn't fair", couldn't be understood any better than by reading them!

And, they help me to understand what being TS mite be like!:straightface: