Am I crazy? No, I’m not!

[olga]

Of course I am crazy. Who isn’t?

I have been in denial about my true self for so long. I have finally come to terms that I am a woman in a man’s body. But it didn’t happen gradually.

As a young boy, I have never felt that my gender was wrong. I never fantasized or thought about being a girl. Puberty went its “normal” course with me, however more gently than with my peers. I dated women, which ended in disaster every time. I got married with the same result — divorced six years later. No kids, fortunately.

Now I’m 40 years old, and I have discovered my true self. I’ve been crossdressing in the closet for just two years. Have never been out dressed in public yet. I’ve been underdressing for a year and a half. I wear nail polish constantly for about the same time, but I have otherwise kept a straightforward male appearance.

Something happened two weeks ago, which I can only describe as a landslide within my brain. Things have shifted. My life has been turned upside-down. I’m still the same person, but I’m a woman now.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for almost three years, and I believe it’s because he gave me permission to open myself up to other angles and viewpoints about who I am and where I connect to the world that this has been possible.

I don’t know how it is possible to go through this in such a short time, but all I can say is that I did — and still do. I am very confused and scared, but I am happy. I know that my life as I know it is over, and I have to start anew. Emerge. I’m excited.

Yesterday I was true to my new self and told my boss. Picture this: never even met a crossdresser or transgendered person, let alone being out dressed, and I walk into the office of the president of the company I work at, and tell him that I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body.

It went well… :)

I’m wondering if there are others out there that had a similar experience. Not having felt that you’re the wrong gender from childhood on, but rather just the vague feeling that things weren’t quite right… never been able to point the finger exactly at what it was…

I have been in denial, and I have accepted my true self. It just happened in an incredibly short period of time. If anyone else is out there who has had a similar experience, please let me know.

I am NOT crazy. Just happily confused. And that’s pretty cool ;)


Thanks for reading this.
olga

[Anneliese]

Congrats!

[~Michelle~]

Something happened two weeks ago, which I can only describe as a landslide within my brain. Things have shifted. My life has been turned upside-down.

Olga, if you don't mind me asking; what caused that landslide or did it just appear out of nowhere?

[EnglishRose]

I’m wondering if there are others out there that had a similar experience. Not having felt that you’re the wrong gender from childhood on, but rather just the vague feeling that things weren’t quite right… never been able to point the finger exactly at what it was…

Hi.

[olga]

Olga, if you don't mind me asking; what caused that landslide or did it just appear out of nowhere?

Michelle,
that’s a good and valid question. Thank you.

This is how I can best describe it: I have seen my crossdressing as a fetish… a bizarre, forbidden thing. The shift occurred when I started to realize that it is actually the real me, and that my male body has been in the way… the normal is actually the un-normal…

There are so many big and little things about my past life… the struggles… the failures… that make perfect sense now. I have been talking about these struggles and “failures” in therapy, and my therapist very gently opened my eyes and helped me expand my horizon. Don’t get me wrong — he didn’t push me in this, or ANY direction in any way, he just gave me permission to see…

olga

[Barbara Dugan]

No Olga you are not alone, you experience is pretty similar to mine, I am a year older than you and yes I never dressed as child and like you I always feel different in a way you cant explain yourself . When my therapist asked me how I used to identify as a child I told her like to be in the middle and somehow lost. I never had an interest on women and never date anyone.I used to lie and make up stories about women to avoid suspicion about myself but at the same time I didn't care about guys either in a Way I just only existed. When I dressed for the first time it was like if I founded myself I really dont have words to explain the feeling but it was there. I still don't have clear where I am heading myself but I think I am beginning to understand myself better:hugs:

[olga]

No Olga you are not alone, you experience is pretty similar to mine, I am a year older than you and yes I never dressed as child and like you I always feel different in a way you cant explain yourself . When my therapist asked me how I used to identify as a child I told her like to be in the middle and somehow lost. I never had an interest on women and never date anyone.I used to lie and make up stories about women to avoid suspicion about myself but at the same time I didn't care about guys either in a Way I just only existed. When I dressed for the first time it was like if I founded myself I really dont have words to explain the feeling but it was there. I still don't have clear where I am heading myself but I think I am beginning to understand myself better:hugs:

Hi Barbara,

thank you for your post. In a way I just only existed. That’s a pretty good description about how I felt growing up. Slightly “out of phase” with the rest of the world.

I’m in the process of emerging at the other side, as you are. Everything makes sense now. Everything flows better. Even the smallest details. I listen to music differently. I look at a traffic light differently. I look the person at the grocery store in the eye… differently. It has nothing to do with being dressed or not — it’s within me.

I’m not out of phase anymore.

But now I have to face the other end of the story. My physical appearance doesn’t match my newly discovered true self.

How are you dealing with this?

olga

[Barbara Dugan]

Hi Barbara,

thank you for your post. In a way I just only existed. That’s a pretty good description about how I felt growing up. Slightly “out of phase” with the rest of the world.

I’m in the process of emerging at the other side, as you are. Everything makes sense now. Everything flows better. Even the smallest details. I listen to music differently. I look at a traffic light differently. I look the person at the grocery store in the eye… differently. It has nothing to do with being dressed or not — it’s within me.

I’m not out of phase anymore.

But now I have to face the other end of the story. My physical appearance doesn’t match my newly discovered true self.

How are you dealing with this?

olga


Yes Olga you are right , when you said everything flow better and yes when I see myself on the mirror I dont see a girl but also I dont see a guy either..I never been too masculine and I think with a little effort I can really transform myself and is when you start thinking on having breasts and wondering how is like to have the right equipment :hugs:

[EnglishRose]

But now I have to face the other end of the story. My physical appearance doesn’t match my newly discovered true self.

How are you dealing with this?

olga

Ooh. For me, this one's a doozy :) So rather than give you a one word answer, I thought I'd delve a bit further into it, being as I just dealt with this somewhat myself. I started exploring my TG-ness at the beginning of this year and came to a sort of epiphany a couple of months ago. My wife was and is very worried for the future however, and we have a son of two and a half also.

For nine years and until a month ago I maintained a mustache and goatee... after talking with my wife I decided to shave them off together with my body hair. I mean it got to the point that my self-hatred was at its peak and I could not bring myself to look in the mirror. After shaving I can really see my female self at times.

Like yourself I haven't been out presenting female in public. My wife and have talked about going to some weekend TG event or other for my first.

Unfortunately this actual physical change has been rather scary to her because until now it was all talk, hypotheticals and abstract concepts. Can't say I blame her, really. *sigh*

[olga]

Ooh. For me, this one's a doozy :) So rather than give you a one word answer, I thought I'd delve a bit further into it, being as I just dealt with this somewhat myself.

Hi Rose,

I didn’t expect a one word answer… I don’t think that’s humanly possible.

Being in a relationship, being married and having children adds to the complexity. I can’t even imagine this scenario… I’ve divorced three years ago, no children, which makes it easier… but if your wife is accepting, at least there is a close one to support you in this earth-shaking and mind-boggling transformation. You have a framework to hold on to.

Your female self has always been there. You as a person have not changed. Your gender identification is absolutely separate from your sexual orientation — embracing your female self does not mean you are less attracted to your wife or be less than a good father for your child. There are many scientific studies to back this up.

I hope all will turn out well…

:hugs:
olga

[EnglishRose]

I didn’t expect a one word answer… I don’t think that’s humanly possible.

I refer you to post #4 in this thread. :) And thanks!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Olga this is what happened to me too...one day i realized that every single waking moment of my life i was either engaged in the activity right in front of me, or i was thinking about being a woman, dressing as a woman, turning into a woman...i approached that as a fetish....i got more and more depressed and sad...then it hit me...

i know some girls hate this phrase, but i've heard it many times..the bell was rung...once this happens...its over..your choice is to suffer the rest of your life or do something about it....most people move towards transition and some go through with others go part way..but you must do something about it...

i would caution you though that going to fast and making meaningful life altering decisions to quickly has caused many of us alot of heartache, and in some cases has made transition more difficult not less...my big mistake was at work where i did the same as you and just finally exploded, told my boss and although he supported me , i was way to depressed, had not worked out my shame and depression, and i didnt come up with a good transition plan...all that cost me my job... thats just one example..

bottom line though ...your experience is VERY common and now your quality of life will be decided by how you deal with it..its alot of pressure, but success brings incredible rewards

[olga]

I refer you to post #4 in this thread. :) And thanks!

Duh! I’m a lil’ slow sometimes…

[Karen564]

Sorry,
I can't relate to any of it...as far as late onset goes.

The 1st time I realized something just wasn't right was the 1st day of kindergarden..I was 4 years old then (yes, I started school early) & by the time I was 5, I figured out what is was....

I had transitioned late in life only because I reached my breaking point where I just couldn't fight it anymore...
So it took all those years to finally wear me down to to the point there was nothing left of me anymore except for a shell & felt like I was dead...or destined to die Very soon if I continued on with this charade as a man..
That was when I had my nervous breakdown & was my wakeup call to seek professional help quickly before I ended up taking my own life, leaving my daughters without a daddy.. which was exactly where I was heading..

So unfortunately for me, I had to be on deaths doorstep before I said enough is enough..

I didn't want to transition, I HAD too..:straightface:

But I would suggest to you to slow it down, and be leery of any such sudden revelation that your now a woman before you make any harsh decision you may regret in a few years..

[olga]

Olga this is what happened to me too...one day i realized that every single waking moment of my life i was either engaged in the activity right in front of me, or i was thinking about being a woman, dressing as a woman, turning into a woman...i approached that as a fetish....i got more and more depressed and sad...then it hit me...

i know some girls hate this phrase, but i've heard it many times..the bell was rung...once this happens...its over..your choice is to suffer the rest of your life or do something about it....most people move towards transition and some go through with others go part way..but you must do something about it...

i would caution you though that going to fast and making meaningful life altering decisions to quickly has caused many of us alot of heartache, and in some cases has made transition more difficult not less...my big mistake was at work where i did the same as you and just finally exploded, told my boss and although he supported me , i was way to depressed, had not worked out my shame and depression, and i didnt come up with a good transition plan...all that cost me my job... thats just one example..

bottom line though ...your experience is VERY common and now your quality of life will be decided by how you deal with it..its alot of pressure, but success brings incredible rewards

Hi Kate,

thank you for your good advice :hugs:

I can see the danger lurking… I’ve discovered and accepted my true self, but I can’t have any of it — yet. But I want it NOW!

I’m off work this week, which will give me some much needed time for reflection, and to start putting together my master plan.

The bell was rung…

[olga]

Sorry,
I can't relate to any of it...as far as late onset goes.

The 1st time I realized something just wasn't right was the 1st day of kindergarden..I was 4 years old then (yes, I started school early) & by the time I was 5, I figured out what is was...

I had transitioned late in life only because I reached my breaking point where I just couldn't fight it anymore...
So it took all those years to finally wear me down to to the point there was nothing left of me anymore except for a shell & felt like I was dead...or destined to die Very soon if I continued on with this charade as a man..
That was when I had my nervous breakdown & was my wakeup call to seek professional help quickly before I ended up taking my own life, leaving my daughters without a daddy.. which was exactly where I was heading..

So unfortunately for me, I had to be on deaths doorstep before I said enough is enough..

I didn't want to transition, I HAD too..:straightface:

But I would suggest to you to slow it down, and be leery of any such sudden revelation that your now a woman before you make any harsh decision you may regret in a few years..

Karen,
thanks for sharing. Your path is indeed different, in that you knew what it was that haunted you. I am glad you made the right choice, and I hope you are happier now.

I don’t know how far I will go with transitioning, but I do know that I need to start. I owe it to myself. I can’t go back. I need to start NOW. Well, I think I already have…

But I will take it slow and proceed with caution… get all the advice I can get and make up my mind.

Thanks again for your help :hugs:


olga