Finding someone to confide in

[notthereyet]

I'm married and my wife does not know I like to dress up. I would like to find someone that I can talk to about dressing up and my feelings, but find it difficult to even approach anyone I know about the topic and was hoping someone on this forum could make some suggestions on how I could find someone.
Yes, I can talk/ask on this forum (which is great) but I would like a more personal relationship.
Thanks in advance for any recommendations.

[KandisTX]

My first suggestion is to try and confide in your wife. She is your partner, and hopefully married you for better or for worse. Other than that I really cannot suggest much else unless you have a close GG friend that won't spill the beans to your wife about your crossdressing.

I've been where you are, and believe me, once you have come out, there is no going back. You must choose very carefully those with whom you trust this "secret" (remember, once you tell it to someone, it is no longer a secret).

Best of luck to you and I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[suzypier]

Hi, Well, beside forum like the one in here, it’s very hard to find someone to talk with. I had the same problem until I decided to join a support group 100 miles from home because I am also in the closet. Even then, I only see them once a months to go out and talk about girls stuffs over a dinner in a Resto.

Suzanne

[notthereyet]

Thanks Kandis, I thought about talking to my spouse for along time but even though it is wrong for me to keep it a secret from her, I'm just not ready to take that step. I find it very difficult to trust others. I opened up once to someone and I though all our time together would be "just ours" but, she told others everything we did and talked about and I got hurt really bad, so, I'm just not ready to take that chance again.

[Debutante]

Finding the right TG support or social group might be a start. Confiding with your wife when the two of you aren't ready could be a mistake, but that all depends too. Support groups are a better start.

[notthereyet]

A support group sounds interesting but I don't know of any close by. I can look into it and see if any are around.
Thanks Suzanne.

I don't feel comfortable confronting my wife yet Debutante. Other than this forum which I really like, not sure of any other social groups.

[charlytuna]

I come out before we got married and I glad I did. Although still sort of in the closet but I"m not hiding or going behind her back For me for better or worse it was all for the better and she is so much help and she is my surport team

[Alice B]

I agree with KandisTX. You have to start with your wife and she may already know (they usually do). To hide your desire from her and then go out and confide with someone else would be very bad once she found out and at some point she will.

Talk to her in an open and honest manner and try to establish some working ground to build on. In the long run you will be far happier. Good luck.

[Sandra]

You say you have trust issues with people. How do you think your wife would feel if she found out about the cding then found out that you had confided in someone else? I would imagine that she would feel that she couldn't trust you.

[notthereyet]

Thanks, I wish charlietuna that I could do it all over. I knew before I got married that I like crossdressing but it was just one of those secrets that I kept to myself.
Now it is too difficult for me to bring up with my spouse.

I totaly agree Sandra, I feel bad and unfaithful about talking of this subject with others and not my wife. Maybe deep down I'm looking for a way to bring it up with her.

[krissy]

:hugs:hi

i did with my ex wife she told all my friends and my job i lost it all and my son .but after it settled out i got my son back ,and the friends i lost i guess they weren't real friends.its hard to share theses feelings with others because most of us have been made to feel we are wrong to want this part of ourselves.and we dont want to change sex so we cant tell them we just enjoy dressing it makes us happy inside .to me it can get sooo strong i just have to give into it .i love to dress and i dont pass for shit but in my mind im just as pretty as any other person .look just enjoy it ,i know its lonely to just dress at home .and the fear of getting caught sucks always hiding your stuff,i have been dressing for over 40 years my current wife knew before we got married hell was in a lesbian relationship ,promised she would try to give me what i needed but the first time she helped me dress all up the next day said i dont want to see you that way ever again im still married to her been 29 years now.i love her but it hurts that i cant share myself with her not that part of me i feel so sad but i still dress .if you feel you cant share this with her please talk to all of us here we are here for you always.:hugs:

[AKAMichelle]

First off what part of the country are you in? How can any of us help if we don't know where to send you? Finding a support group can be difficult sometimes, but they are out there.

Next, you say that you have trust issues because you have been hurt before. Have you ever thought about the fact that you are keeping your wife locked out of your life because you think it is safer? See you don't trust your wife with this secret but you would trust a total stranger. I went through all of this before. I kept it quiet from my wife for 25 years because I was ashamed, embarrassed and terrified that someone else would find out. So I lied, covered it up, hid it from those that loved me. So who was I protecting? Me! In the end I realized that I was the one suffering because I was not being myself to my wife.

Now it didn't go very well when I told her and we are heading for divorce, but I have no regrets. My marriage was already in trouble when I told her. I hoped it would be the one thing to pull us back together, but it didn't. There are a lot of people on this forum who told their wives and were accepted. So it does happen. But if you let fear of rejection prevent you from telling, then you are the one guilty of betrayal. Because you are slowly destroying your marriage and in the end you can't blame anyone else.

Go read up on how to tell your spouse and do it. It won't be easy and it may turn out badly, but if you don't try then you will get just what you ask for. NOTHING! Trust your wife. Remember also she will lose trust in you if you don't tell her and she finds out on her own. And they always do somehow. Your wife should be the only person you trust with your whole heart. So show her how much you love and trust her and tell her your secret.

[sonia_dargency]

Me telling my wife turned out in a domestic disaster (a year and half now) but I am an advocate of the trust and share.

My recommendation: do your homework and learn how to do it right, or the less wrong possible.

best

[SusanLCD]

As AKAMichelle said, it's difficult to help when we don't know where you're located. If you're near a metropolitan area, you will likely find that there is/are therapists who specialize in transgender issues and will help you find a way to open this topic with your wife. I know this is true in the North Texas area where there are a number of therapists who specialize in this field.

I realize this isn't a "no-cost" solution. But, many times, seeing a counselor (sp?) with the goal of opening up to your spouse might not be viewed as you violating her trust in you. And, you will likely be able to address your own trust issues, as well.

[Nicole Erin]

It does not matter at this point if your spouse is the first one you tell or not.
If she acts bad about it, it is gonna be the old "lack of trust" crap either way, so maybe it is best to find other friends for now.
Just look up whatever TG group in your area. You may or may not find friends there, but at least it is a start, and you will be well-accepted.

[notthereyet]

Hi Krissy, Thanks for your thoughts. There is no way my friends or co-workers would accept it if they found out about me wanting to CD.
I don't think my wife would go for it either.
I also would never pass as a female, way too dark of hair and too much of it also.

[AKAMichelle]

Hi Krissy, Thanks for your thoughts. There is no way my friends or co-workers would accept it if they found out about me wanting to CD.
I don't think my wife would go for it either.
I also would never pass as a female, way too dark of hair and too much of it also.

I had the same problem with too much hair everywhere. That's why they make laser treatments. I have been having it done now for my chest and back. I am no longer mistaken for a grizzly bear.

Never say never. BTW, where do you live?

[pernille d]

oooh a hard one , i too for many years just wanted one person to tell and confide in too , but like others say who better than the one you love ,

like you say its not the same here as talking to someone face to face on a more personal leval , but remember there is just so much to be read her and so much surport/ advice from all the members, so use the info well .

i was recently outed by my wife of 22 years ,she found out by a sort of slip up that i almost did on perpose as i was just gettig fed up of all the hideing . "YES" it can go both ways and you need to be prepaired for both paths but i spent a few months talking and reading here how to handle it beforehand so i was ready to come out anyway . Through comming out that i really learnt really who and what i am.

take it from me you need to do the same girl you dont want to keep living like that all your life as it will slowly eat away at you and maybe you could end up like me as it was was begining to ruin the marrage anyway because of stress and uptightness .Our relationship could never be better as it turned 180 degres around and i gainded, that person i was always looking for to confide in ( only if it is when she wants to hear about it)BUT i still need other friends to confide in but that will come with time ,

[mjryo]

If there isn't something out there already, create it.
One option would be to start your own Crossdressers Meetup.com group wherever you are located, there's a good chance there are other crossdressers close by waiting for that first step.

[Andrea's Lynne]

I know its hard to have the "secret".....but I'm also lucky enough to be known and accepted by my wonderful wife. If you continue to keep it from her, it will not get better with time.

The gurls and GGs here are a great support to me, but I visit this site with my wife's knowledge and encouragement. She doesn't always want to be involved in my dressing, but she understands it's part of me and loves me just the same. I do the same for her, and we respect each other's bounds.

I hope you can find the same within your marriage.

[suzypier]

I had the same problem with too much hair everywhere. That's why they make laser treatments. I have been having it done now for my chest and back. I am no longer mistaken for a grizzly bear.

Never say never. BTW, where do you live?


It look like Notthereyet do not want to tell us where she live :)

[AKAMichelle]

It look like Notthereyet do not want to tell us where she live :)

She is hiding. Maybe we can pull her out a little eventually. :D

BTW, I was tired of having trouble meeting others and mostly getting everyone together for a simple dinner so I created my own meetup group in Denver.

Mile High Crossdressers

[giuseppina]

Hello notthereyet,

Perhaps a licensed and non-judgemental therapist may be able to help you with your trust issues. Some have issues with them, but they, as a rule, want to help. The right therapist can work wonders. A good place to start for a referral is your family doctor.


You say you have trust issues with people. How do you think your wife would feel if she found out about the cding then found out that you had confided in someone else? I would imagine that she would feel that she couldn't trust you.

While you mean well, Sandra, it isn't clear to me if notthereyet's betrayal happened while she was married to her wife. If she wasn't, only notthereyet has any reason to be upset. Be that as it may, it looks as though she was deeply hurt by this and, to her credit, is now attempting to deal with her issues.

[notthereyet]

Thanks for everyones input. I'll look at some of the options and go forth.
....... many thanks to everyone.