I cannot get this self-acceptance thing down.

[Nicole Erin]

It seems lately it is getting worse.
Usually dress mostly in either jeans shorts and a tee, or capri and a blouse.
Don't mess with makeup often. I don't run around dressed like Hoochie the clown or anything.

You know the nervousness you feel going out the first few times dressed, well, that seems to have come back hard for me. I should be past this.
It is like every time I hear someone laughing or even looking in my direction, I think they are judging or laughing or about to get agressive.
Once in a while I do rude comments or notice people snickering.

I know by now I should be to the "who cares" stage but it is like I am going backwards. I hate the sight of people, tend to hide more, etc. I have been having bad dreams lately about these things, and tend to obsess over what people think.

I don't know what is going on lately. It is like if I am not hiding safely in the house, I am in a state of panic.

I am not new to being "out", and honestly, this whole TG thing has lost all it's fun, period. Erin is who I am, so it is not like I am gonna go in drab or be like "oh boy, I went out and bought a lipstick!" It really sucks, being to the point where I hate being TG.

What the hell is happening to me?

Is this just the reality of being a non-passable transwoman? Is it something deeper?

[Kathi Lake]

Erin, it sounds to me that you have other stressors in your life that are freaking you out. What else is going on at you can share with us?

Kathi

[Nicole Erin]

Well, there was the divorce but I am past that, we get along,
Bills are caught up until July,
I have a secure place to stay however long I need to, and everything is calm.

I may be coming into some money issues if I can't find a job that will work around my school, and yes it is stressful but would that really reflect on my TG life?

[fallen_rayne]

It might, I have heard of situations were stress leads to depression. You might be stressing about what-if's, i know i wonder: "What if someone notices me?", "What if I run into someone I recognize?", etc, etc. But those are all only fears of new CD'ers, mostly.

The only thing i can recommend, is taking a step back from your life and examining everything that is going on. See what and how, if anything, is stressing you out. If it indeed is nothing, you probably lost your high from going out.

It may no longer be an adventure anymore, "it's just you going out. *shrugs.*" kinda thing. Now you may not find any of this helpful. However, you may just have to get dressed up and dolled up and go out again just like it's your first time out all over again. This may either help or not. Hope this helps, and if not, I wish you the best of luck! :hugs:

[Andy66]

I could very well be way off base here, but I'm wondering if you're in a rut, or have fallen victim to a label. I mean, what if TG is an inadequate label that doesn't tell the whole story of who Erin is? Do you find yourself dressing or acting a certain way just because you feel you have to?

[ReineD]

You had another post recently about non-acceptance from others. Tell me, how are you treated by SAs, restaurant staff, grocery store cashiers, people at Lowes, etc? Are they rude or sarcastic to you? Or do other customers or people you meet on the street make rude comments? (OK, you do have a rude neighbor, but not him ... how about your other neighbors?)

My SO doesn't wear much makeup either, or a wig since she has her own long hair - but she does disguise her male body with forms and such. She enjoys wearing pretty things, but she also goes out in jeans and basic (but pretty) sweaters and low heeled (but stylish) shoes. And jewelry, but nothing over the top. She's pretty well on everyone's periphery. I've noticed a few people stare, but most of the time I don't get the sense they are laughing, or about to pounce or anything. It's just that some people might read her more subtle male cues (facial size, forehead, etc) but since she isn't presenting male, they might notice that something is off and they might just be wondering what it is. It's happened before, when circumstances were such that we started talking with a few of these people, they put two & two together and then they knew. But they were fine with it. One lady was curious about it, but very accepting.

I'm just mentioning this to say that if some people do stare at you, it might not be because they disapprove. Maybe they're just trying to figure you out. You know that most of us only have a vague awareness of the stereotypes and we haven't had much experience with seeing TGs out and about living a regular life. So the people who see you on a regular basis need to come to terms with the contradiction between what they think they know about the sterotypes, and the reality that they are meeting a TG who is regular folks just like them.

An example I can think of is when people first began to see airplanes. Everyone would look up and it was a big deal because it was something new. But now no one pays any attention to flights overhead. We all understand what they are.

I don't know if I'm way off in my perceptions about how people see folks who don't fit neatly into the gender boxes they've been exposed to all their lives, but I do like to think that in our day and age, there are fewer people who are prejudiced than you might think. I do know that arm's length people .. the acquaintances you'll meet or the friends you'll make will not feel as threatened initially as close family or a spouse might, since it is harder to deal with transgender when it hits close to home. Unfortunately.

So ... what is it that is making you feel as if you are being rejected by the people you deal with in your daily life?

OK .. please, please don't take this the wrong way. I haven't seen pics of you but obviously you're not presenting as a guy, and I'm guessing that you aren't taken as a GG either? People do get confused when presented with ambiguity. But only at first, until they get to know you, who you are inside. You're very nice and I'm sure this shines through. But I'm wondering if perhaps you find it frustrating that people don't get who you are? And at the same time you don't want to "masquerade" and be either extreme .. the macho guy or the girly-girl that maybe you think most people expect? So I guess my next question is how would you like for people to see you? :hugs:

[Satrana]

Is this just the reality of being a non-passable transwoman?

I would say so. There is a different mindset between a TS "this is who I am" and a CD "this is who I am pretending to be for the moment". A CD knows that when they undress they return to conformity and so the stress of not passing evaporates. Not so for a TS, the best they can do is hide away indoors but of course you have to go outside at some point. I can see how appearing in public might end up becoming a negative experience, something to be dreaded. And just like the nervousness of a CD, people can read your state of mind through your body language and react accordingly.

In time these issues will disappear as your passing skills are perfected but yes I can imagine it would be rough in the beginning. Just hang in there and try to remain positive when dealing with others.

[Andy66]

I'm just mentioning this to say that if some people do stare at you, it might not be because they disapprove.
Reine makes a good point. I for one tend to be protective of LGBT type people. Two nights ago there was a T-girl at the bus stop. I struck up a conversation with her and made sure I sat down right behind her on the bus. There was a weirdo staring at either her or me the whole time, so I watched to be sure she got off the bus and partly down the street safely. She might have wondered if I was a nut, but I was actually being a gentleman. So you never know.

[johnboy23]

I have gone through this. My fiance made a good point. She straightens her hair and she is always concerned that people laugh and talk about her behind her back about her hair. She soon came to the realization that people have their own lives and own funny stories. Go out dressed in drabbed to the mall. Make it a point to listen to other people laughing, talking BEHIND you, and the ones that look in your direction. Make a mental note then write it down when you get to the car. Then, the next day or whenever you have time, go back to the same place dressed in your capris and pay attention to the same things. Most of the time you are just a blur in peoples lives.

[Joanne f]

It is difficult to know why anyone thinks the way they do but i can sympathy's with you as the very same thing has happened to me but i have a pretty good idea why so it may or may not help you .
There are confident people who do not worry about what others think and there are none confident people who worry about what people think ( i am a shy none confident person at the best of times):D, i was happy with my Cd/Tg issues until i made a very big mistake ,we (my wife and i)let everyone know that i Cd and for many reasons that i will not go into it turned out to be a very big mistake , instead of putting me forward with it, it sent me the opposite way, i know people know who i am and what i do so being a sensitive person i will not only see people who may say something i am also looking for people to say some thing because i expect it , i know this is a silly thing to get into but being in ones nature it is hard to stop , i think once you have broken through that then things will settle down for you .
If you have had problems resulting from the Tg issues then it is all to easy to think that all things that now happen are related to it and it very rarely is ,
if you stop and look around you will see that the one`s who make comments about people will make them about anyone just because they are like that (no doubt insecure within themselves) and the ones who don`t make comments (the vast majority) just do not care, yes i know you can pass thousands of people but it can only take one to spoil your day , if you are happy when you go out do not let that one spoil your day for they have more problems than you have .

[Staci G]

I know how you feel Erin, I think I do anyway. I have been out not giving a crap what anyone thinks or says for a while now but in the last few months it has gotten worse like you are talking about. I think we would purge at this point if we were merley crossdressing rather than TG. I think (for myself anyway) I am on what I'd call my down stroke where I am a) not as confident, b) not happy with my girl side. So I have to say hang in there Erin will be right back after these messages.

[AKAMichelle]

It happens sometimes. We all have moments like this and sometimes it lasts for awhile. But work through it and get that backbone again. You can do it.

[charlie]

Hello Nicole!
Self acceptance seems for me to also be a rolling thing. For me it depends on how well I can make myself look. If I feel that I'm not looking my best, then dressing is not a wonderful stress free thing that night. If I'm not completely satisfied, then I feel that some people may be watching me and thinking "there goes a man in a dress!". Other times when my outfit, makeup, and wig all work I feel like a million dollars. I guess I'm still insecure too....despite going out for the last two years!

[Wen4cd]

Well, you're right when you say "I think they are laughing at me, or judging me, etc..." It's a common projection dealing with self-acceptance. It's not self-fulfilling yet, which is probably good. (If you wait too long and get nonverbally reactive, it can get that way, and start re-enforcing itself. Like a paranoid worrier who fears the police are after him, so he starts acting suspicious around police, arousing their suspicions that he might be guilty of something.)

It might indicate that there is something you still don't like about yourself, some change you want to make for your own betterment, somethign lacking.

Part of that projection process is the phenomena of seeing yourself through the (imagined) eyes of others. And judging yourself through their avatars. It can be used as an analytic tool to chase down what is bothering you. If you take the active imagination one further step, and write down what these imagined judgemental people are saying, and examine the content of those statements, you will find exactly what your inernal negative voices are saying in your ear all the time, the unconscious conflict that is bothering you. And then you are in a better position to negotiate and resolve it.

It's not always what it appears. Often enough it's just some limiting judgment you made about yourself, or the world, or both, that just isn't sitting right with you, because your unconscious can feel it's limiting action, and it's talking to you about it. (The unconscious mind almost always talks to us through projections we look at and interperet, and to get the most attention, it almost always punches you right in the soft spots, like your TG self accaptance, which I would venture to say, is not the actual issue, just the 'place to poke' to get your attention. ) Usually it's a call for internally balancing something out of balance, the unconscious likes harmony.

Sometimes it's 'the' judgment that comes from isolation or alienation, the judgment that there is some fundamental difference between you and others that makes you alone. This is a universal human issue every person deals with when they are, at the moment, alone.
Loneliness can lead to funny projectionsm but it is always a false judgment that you are so different that you are meant to be alone and never fulfilled. (In your case, it might even be unconscious backlash from the divorce.) It goes away when you relate to and with other people, or things, or spiritual elements, anything that gives you outside feedback you can trust, affirms your existence, and "feels like living."

So yeah, if it were me, I'd be writing down what these 'people' are saying, judging, and laughing, examining that content, and then trying hard to be conscious that those statements are coming from negative inner voices. Check out articles like this (http://www.life-with-confidence.com/negativevoices.html) for as many pointers as you can find, and remember, "it's not because you're TG, it's because you're a human being." That realization alone takes a lot of wind out of these projections.

[kimdl93]

...it is stressful but would that really reflect on my TG life?

I would think so. If one aspect of your life is troubling, its easy for that feeling to affect your perspective on other aspects of your life.

[Kayla Shadows]

): :hugs: I dont know what it is.I was bad for a while too.Even before i gained weight and didnt want to shop or do anything til things leveled out,there were things I hated.Being non passable and no matter what i do seeing hair peeking out from makeup and just not having the best of shape.Not looking as i feel and the world seeing this too.Just that was a lot of stress.Lets add everything else that was going on and it was just like a bomb waiting to go off.Somehow managed to survive it and come out stronger.What your going through is not a good feeling.Things like this have gone around over and over in my head til the point that things are not fun or pleasurable in any way.I had to relax and learn how to have fun again.Figure out how to just let go and be who I am without worrying so much.It takes a lot to just let go.Destroy,erase,rebuild.

The biggest thing was the world and how they see me.I just know that Im not perfect and never will be.There are people that who they are is hate and they wont be changed.People will laugh but you know what,let them.You can laugh right back at how you effect them.If they care so dam much,you are already better.I understand that we are not out there enough for people to get used to us and its ok.Hopefully the more and more we are things will be less of a shock.It does take a lot to get out there though.To just look them in the eye as you walk by and smile.There are many who could only wish they were as courageous.

Me..I just dont know how much I care anymore..My parents are gone,my best friend is gone,I have nobody,not many local friends yet..sometimes emptiness..sometimes in the mood to lash out at anybody and everything that wants to stand in my way.I am so tired.."rules","roles","the right way" to live..I have one last thing to say to people before they step out of my way..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IN3SV8Fpl6w

:<3: ya Nicole.Youve been a good friend when i needed one the most.I thank you for so much.Just being there.I feel a lot when I read something like this.I know how easy it isnt.Sometimes when im at my end is where a new beginning arises.I dont know when its all going to end but i needed to start living with the realization thats its gonna.The time taken reading this is time were not getting back.Sometimes i come here to kill time but its really time that kills us.People say things but they are no better.I know its a hard life,stress at times and a overwhelming dish of decisions but we'll all get through it together.We all give each other strength and were here for each other.Thats what matters.The people that matter dont mind and the people that mind dont matter.Let them stare..and let them know how it feels as if the werent even there..

:hugs:

[minalost]

It seems lately it is getting worse.
Usually dress mostly in either jeans shorts and a tee, or capri and a blouse.
Don't mess with makeup often. I don't run around dressed like Hoochie the clown or anything.

You know the nervousness you feel going out the first few times dressed, well, that seems to have come back hard for me. I should be past this.
It is like every time I hear someone laughing or even looking in my direction, I think they are judging or laughing or about to get agressive.
Once in a while I do rude comments or notice people snickering.

I know by now I should be to the "who cares" stage but it is like I am going backwards. I hate the sight of people, tend to hide more, etc. I have been having bad dreams lately about these things, and tend to obsess over what people think.

I don't know what is going on lately. It is like if I am not hiding safely in the house, I am in a state of panic.

I am not new to being "out", and honestly, this whole TG thing has lost all it's fun, period. Erin is who I am, so it is not like I am gonna go in drab or be like "oh boy, I went out and bought a lipstick!" It really sucks, being to the point where I hate being TG.

What the hell is happening to me?

Is this just the reality of being a non-passable transwoman? Is it something deeper?

I think we all go through times where we are more and then less accepting of our dual/odd/down righ weird natures. I truly enjoy crossdressing, but I go through phases where something happens (a fight with the wife, a bad makeup job, a terrible photo shoot, just can't find that pretty blouse in my size...) to cause me to doubt myself, and my commitment to be happy with myself as a CDer. I just have to put it all away for a while, because I know it will come back, and I'll have better days. Hope your feeling better by the time you read this.
:hugs:

[docrobbysherry]

Because I'm simply a closet CD! But, I believe Charlie and Wen nailed it!

Why don't I go out dressed? Since I wear masks, no one would recognize me! It's because I know I couldn't and wouldn't WISH to handle all the CRAP I'd get going out dressed!:doh:

However, if I felt THAT good about myself when I dress, I'd either go out without the masks, (as I did at the SCC), or go out masked and F anyone who didn't like it!:devil:

But, since I don't, I DON'T!:brolleyes:

And so, NOT going out dressed makes ME feel good!:eek:

Hope this helps u! Because it only confused me!:confused:

[NathalieX66]

I just is. ...er, am.

My self acceptance arose after 38 year of battle with myself. I'm a creative person by profession. Iwill NOT, by any circumstance try to control and supress my mind anymore. That just failed outright. It is what it is. I feel 1000% more powerful now.

When artist Grayson Perry, a married crossdresser with children, became a national folk hero in Britain, I felt a stong connection. I have many gay friends, and my parents have many personal gay &lesbian friends, so what's the difference?
After soul searching, research, and the APA's recommendation on DSM IV & V, I have nothing to lose .