Monday's Baby Steps

[Cheryl James]

I shopped today at Goodwill. Lacking the courage, though, I did not wear my wig. I did wear female clothing, shorts, tee shirt, bra and my enhancers, women's sandals, and my toes and nails have been painted for the past week (an opaque pink that a guy wouldn't notice but a woman would). I do have hair which I fluffed up into a style that didn't do anything for me and I wore a dress shirt, unbuttoned, over my tee. I made no great effort to keep the shirt closed, so my obvious breasts were, often, visible although I didn't try and make them obvious. I, also, wore some make-up, but not as much as I would if I were fully presenting.

On the good side I only browsed the women's racks and I used the dressing rooms to try on my finds. I'm certain that most folks were aware of my searching the women's racks and some were, undoubtedly, aware of me taking only female clothing into the dressing room.

I found the cutest black hip-hugger capris, a very cute white short sleeve blouse, and a pair of khaki shorts. All were in great shape and the bill was less than $11. I'm happy about the buys but upset with myself that I couldn't bring myself to wear my wig. I guess I would compare it to jumping off the high board when I was a kid. Everybody that I saw jump off of it lived, but I was convinced that I was going to be the exception. To those of you who are way ahead of me it, probably, seems stupid.

It didn't look like I would be able to get out tonight, but a one-hour window opened up and I had new clothes that I needed to be worn. So, I quickly got ready and wore the capris and the blouse and went to a nearby Publix (that's our main grocery store chain in Florida). The store was moderately busy, but I picked up a cart in the parking lot and pushed it right into the store and up and down two or three aisles. I couldn't face the line, though, so I didn't buy anything. From there I went to a very busy Walgreen's (drugstore) and walked right in and browsed the make-up for 3 or 4 minutes. Again, I couldn't face the scrutiny of the checkout, so I left without purchasing anything. But, I was out in busy, very well-lighted environments. I hope I am getting closer to the end of the diving board and I will have to go ahead and jump. Bear with me.

[Persephone]

I hope I am getting closer to the end of the diving board and I will have to go ahead and jump. Bear with me.

It sounds like you're having fun, Cheryl, and that's most of what matters!

You look good in your pictures, girl.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Rogina B]

If you have makeup on,and forms in,you will draw a whole lot less attention if you wear your wig. Andyou will definitely feel more complete. You will find that Publix cashiers will be extra nice,as well. The better you feel,the more confidence you will have.:2c:

[Freddy12]

Recognize each step as movement on your journey. Sometimes the road seems to be going the wrong way, but as you travel down that road, you are making prpgress. Wearing the wig will make you more passable. If that is part of where you want to go, each time you go out you are getting closer to going out wearing the wig.

I also had problems going through the checkout, but cashiers are not interested in the person buying, they mostly just want to get through the day.

Take courage in the many steps you have taken and continue down your road!

[Staci G]

Cheryl, I understand totally about the wig thing, that being said I went into a ladies retail chain a couple of weeks ago with makeup, bra, forms, girl jeans, sandals, an a frilly blouse but no wig. The SA there was awesome she said I really should wear one because I wouldn't stand out as much which I thought the opposite. So I went to the car and put it on and felt (looked) better. It does make a difference believe me. Without a wig I guess people wonder what I am trying to portray M or F but with the wig it takes out the guessing thereby makeing you less noticeable. Congrats on getting out, it is a wonderful thing.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Hey Cheryl,

The great thing about the "I wish I woulda" is that it is something you can look forward to doing the next time. Just think... in a matter of a few months you will be elbow to elbow with all the other girls sifting through sales items and talking styles with the S/A's

Have fun girl

[JoanAz]

Don't feel bad I never wear a wig, even in Drab mode, My hair is what you see & is what you get,,,ALL THE TIME...
Go for the "full Monte" you will feel better,,check out People are the nicest you can talk to,,,I do cary my Avitar Picture in case they question Pantyhose Purchase....Get great SMILES..
:hugs:

[AKAMichelle]

I wouldn't have gone to the checkout either without that wig on. Have you ever seen those pictures about all of the nuts shopping at walmart? Do you want to be on the Publix strange shopper site? Put the wig on and act like a lady. Shop

[PretzelGirl]

I don't wear a wig either. But my hair goes past my shoulders. Wear the wig. That and the make-up are the best camoflauge you have available and you will look more natural.

[rickibarr]

You're getting closer and closer; a little more time and you'll take the plunge!

[Rachel Morley]

It doesn't matter that you didn't buy anything. Just being out and about in that public environment will have done wonders for your confidence. "Rome wasn't built in a day" and there is no race here. Just gently push yourself and soon you will be in that checkout line with people all around you and you won't care. Trust me, I've been there, it's scary at first, but the feeling of happiness and self validation when you come out of the store afterward is better than any drug :)

[t-girlxsophie]

If I didn't wear a wig,that would do nothing to give me courage at all.So for you to go out there without one DOES show a great deal of Courage IMO hope you achieve more steps on your journey and maybe a nice new wig will be one of them

[Miranda09]

Sounded like a great experience Cheryl. As everyone has said, one step at a time, and I'd say this step was a great confidence builder for you. I love to stop at Goodwill occasionally. I always go in drab mode and search the women's section (no one even bothers to notice) and have found some nice items including a vinyl skirt and 2 t-shirts on my last trip there, all for under $15. It's a great way to build up a wardrobe. Looking forward to your next story. :)

[Nicki S]

I am also with you on the GW shopping. Today I went there in drab, but I had on my bra and my D cup forms under my t shirt. Nobody cares that a man is looking in the womans section of pants and shirts or in the skirt isle. After trying on about 30 items, I left there with 8 tops, 1 skirt and 3 capri pants for $35. I love the deals and the amount of clothes the $ get at GW.

[Cheryl James]

A series of events fell into place this afternoon and allowed me to get an earlier start than in previous nights. And, because of this, I was able to fit two fun activities into my evening and one of them was a huge step forward for me.

On my Sunday shopping trip to Goodwill I bought a cute pair of capris and a cute white pullover top with buttons halfway down the front. They make a great combination and both fit nicely. I had worn them briefly last night but I couldn't resist wearing them again. So, I did my makeup and packed my car and backpack with everything I needed and left the house around 6:30 and headed for my first stop, the beach.

Unlike Saturday night when I managed to rollerblade among, seemingly, a thousand (or more) beach and concert goers, the beach was much calmer tonight. My first stop was a limited public access area with on street parking. There were a few cars, but it didn't faze me at all. I didn't even check to see if the cars were occupied. I parked, paid the parking meter, gathered my backpack and beach chair and started walking toward the beach. I had found a woman's wide brimmed straw beach hat at our house, so I appropriated it for this part of the evening.

To get to the beach one must go up a set of stairs and across a 30-40 foot long walkway then down a set of stairs. This gets the beach goer across some dunes. I accomplished that walk as if I didn't have a care in the world about what I might find waiting for me on the beach. I figured (hoped might be more accurate) that dressed as I was and wearing the beach hat would paint a picture to the casual viewer that I was just a woman coming to relax on the beach.

As it turned out there were, probably, no more than 6-8 people in the immediate area. Normal beach etiquette is to keep a generous amount of space between groups that arrived
earlier, so I walked a brief distance and staked out my own spot near the water. I set my chair up and sat down to enjoy a gorgeous early evening on the beach.

My plans had included my video camera and tripod so that I could take some video of Cheryl at the beach (I still haven't reached technological proficiency at uploading video to the computer and this site, but I haven't quit trying). Although there weren't that many people in my immediate area, there were a lot of walkers, people looking for shells, joggers, and people playing volleyball nearby. After setting the camera up and making sure that it was aimed properly, I walked down to the water in camera view. I allowed the gentle waves to wash across my painted toes while the camera recorded Cheryl's big beach adventure. Later, I re-aimed the camera up the beach and walked about a quarter-of-a-mile to the north. I watched a person paddling their kayak on the ocean. Two different groups of women walked past me with no hint from them that I was anything other than what I appeared to be, a woman.

After about 45 minutes I began to pack everything away (I had other things planned). I walked back toward the walkway over the dunes and stopped at the shower to wash the sand off of my feet. It was then that I noticed a fairly good-sized 30-something guy standing on the walkway observing me rinsing the sand off of my feet. I think one week ago I would have turned and walked quickly back to the beach because I would have been afraid to walk quite close to him on my way to my car. But, not tonight. Tonight, I put my shoes on and climbed the stairs. At the top of the stairs we were nearly close enough to brush against each other. But, I kept walking (in no particular hurry) across the walkway, down the steps, and back to my car. He never said anything. I have no idea what he thinks that saw, but a test was passed for me.

I loaded my car with the beach stuff and drove about a mile south to the boardwalk where I skated the other night. I parked about fifteen feet from the boardwalk, put my MP3 buds in my ears and took off walking down the boardwalk. There were people about but not like Saturday. I was met by or passed by numerous walkers, joggers, bikers, and skaters. Many of these people were within 2-3 feet of me. I saw no weird glances. In their eyes, I, either, passed or wasn't worth the effort to figure out. I walked about a half mile, turned around and walked back. I wanted to go to the mall again.

From the beach to the mall is about a 25-30 minute drive. My beach activities had made me thirsty, so I decided to stop at a fast food place for a Diet Coke. I worked on my girl voice and, once again, seemed to pull it off. This time, however, I made eye contact with the server (a young man of 16 or 17). He didn't act in an unusual manner toward me. That diversity training must be paying off.

With my thirst being quenched I resumed my drive to the mall. My destination was to be a VF Outlet store. I had been there the other night and guessed that I could pull it off again. I arrived, parked, freshened up my lipstick, powdered my face a bit, gathered my purse, got out and, without so much as a flinch, proceeded to the door. There was no hesitation on my part. I went in and tuned right into the lingerie section. There were two women, one middle-aged, the other looked to be in her twenties,browsing the racks of bras. There was, also a young female employee straightening up the racks and hanging new clothing on the racks. Not to worry, I focused on finding my size, 34A. There were, as it turned out, numerous sections organized on the basis of the manufacturer. So I walked around and found every 34A section and evaluated their bras. The other women seemed to be occupied with their own search, so they did not appear to even care about my presence. I have no idea if they saw me as a woman shopper or a guy dressed like a woman.

I found a bra that I thought I might like, so I took it off of the rack and carried it with me as I moved to other sections. I browsed the Misses and Juniors areas. I would guess that I was in the store for over one hour. People came and went. Some looked me over While looking for something else to select, there was a raging argument inside my head as to whether I could actually take the bra up to the register, or not.

My search led me to a rack of tops. I chose a pink and white blouse designed to be worn outside a pair of jeans. It had a semi-plunging neckline. A wax job would be necessary, but that sounds OK to me.

Having found the top, I now had a bra and a top in my hands. I approached the cashier. There was n0 line, fortunately. I put my purchases on the counter. She greeted me and asked me if I found everything that I was looking for. In the best girl voice that I could muster, I said yes. She thanked me for shopping at VF I did not get ma'am-ed, though. As it was now 9:30 I figured that it might be wise to call it an evening.

As I was leaving the parking lot to get to the street home, I passed two young (18-20) CD's walking to their car. I made no contact with them, but it was good to know that there were some sisters out doing the same thing that I was doing.

In view of the many fantastic things that members of this site have done, this is truly nothing. But, for me, it was a big deal. I have no doubt but what the cashier read me. She behaved professionally, though. There was a group of 3 young 20's who spotted me I believe. I noticed that they were looking my way and smiling. A week ago I would have run away and hid. Tonight I walked in their direction and made eye contact and that was the end of it. I am ecstatic and want more and more. Now I don't know if my nerves will allow me to do this again, but for tonight, Cheryl is, finally, a shopper.

[abigail43]

Good on you Being courageous enough to live the day as a woman . I like Parading in public dressed as a woman just today I was out shopping for a new outfit , at the salvation army store , i was searching the racks when a woman was talking to a friend complimented me , saying that i was lucky to have such good legs that i could wear anything. It was amazing how good that made me feel .I don't know what she thought when she heard me say thank you, so good on you and may you receive compliments as well.Abigail 43

[carolinoakland]

Everyone goes at their own pace, and it's not a race. Just breathe and remember that the only one who can give you permission to be happy is you! Enjoy.