Transitioning and your kids.....

[Ana5551]

This is a question for everyone who has transitioned or is, that also has kids. What effect has it had upon your children and your relationship with them? Soon, I have to decide if I am going to go any further in my transition or if I am going to stay part time....what is holding me back is my son. I do not want to cause him any difficulty now or down the road, and no one else can answer this question for me. Thank you for your replies.

[boardpuppy]

Although I am not as far along as it sounds you are, that is on my list of items to answer. The SO is not as adimate as she once was but I still don't know how far this thing is going for me. I can't talk/discuss this with anyone else untill I can answer all these questions for myself or at least have a good idea what I want to happen. You have one son you're concerned with, where I have three. I wish you all the happiness and understanding in finding all the answers you seak in your journey.

Hugs,
Alice

[PortiaHoney]

I told most of the people close to me years ago about my wanting to transition to living as a woman, including my boys, then aged about 9 and 11. Everyone close supported me but I couldn't go through with it as it wasn't the right time for me. I had to deal with a divorce, new job, illness and living on my own for the first time in my life.

But, I finally started to transition before Christmas (actually, I have been in transition all my life) and went full time a couple of months ago.

But, now my two sons, 21 and 23, won't have a bar of me. I think it is more that they are embarassed in front of their friends than because they don't want me to be who I am. I will give them time and keep inviting them around. One day they may come.

:hugs:

[pamela_a]

Ana, this is a difficult question to answer as I do not know your children or the relationship you have with them.

My own personal experience has been positive. I have 2 children, my daughter is 32, married and has 1 child. We've always been close and my transition hasn't changed anything and the same holds true with my son in law. Her daughter (my granddaughter) is expectedly somewhat confused but she's only 5 and we get along just great.

My son is still living at home. He turned 18 last March and is a Sr. in high school. Our relationship has also been pretty solid and we've always been able to talk about nearly everything. I say nearly everything because my transition is the one thing that is off limits and he won't talk about. Nonetheless as I've transitioned we still get along as well as we did before. I believe a major help was his friends have all accepted me as Pam and our house is still the hang out place. One thing I've made sure of is they understand that I'm still Dad and I won't take that away from them.

I know I've been fortunate but IMO if you have a solid relationship with your children before you transition it makes it a lot easier for them to accept you. The love doesn't change.

[katieblush]

Ana,well its a very personal route to take as we transition so will everyone else in our lives.
I told my children this year about my intentions and there cool with it,but stepping back and viewing the bigger picture i have come to realize ohh hell what about there friends,there friends parents,future boyfriends etc,this is so mind blowing trying to multi task every conceivable future problem,and before any one thinks it i am not a control freak,i live in reality and try to put the negative reactions i have faced to be used as a worst case scenario for up coming issues,it pays to be thinking way ahead,it may be ok but it does not hurt to cover different angles before they occur.

It can be done, well when you out yourself then you have no choice really but to face head on those issues,one at a time my friend,or you will burn yourself out,:hugs:

[Dawn D.]

Hi Ana,

Your question of concern is one that has many variables involved. Each of us that have been though this part of our journey will have a different outcome. Of course, some will be positive and some will be negative and some will be both.

My situation is that I have two kids. Both are grown and on their own. Neither of them knew about my being transexual until they were out on their own either. In one way this may have been a blessing (for them), as they did not have to deal with potential ridicule from classmates while in school. Yet it can still be and at times is a curse to them on another level since their once "dad' who is now a woman, is quite well known in the local community and every once in awhile, they're reminded of this fact by someone who knows them and me. Yes, they are placed in an awkward situation and here is where their own internal feelings come to the surface.

My daughter, whom has accepted me 100%, effectively refuses to discuss the issue with people outside of our immediate family. Essentially stating privacy concerns (she's such a witty and smart girl!). She and her husband are both very warm and genuine in our relationship. I couldn't have asked for or expected a better outcome from her, if I had planned for it. It wasn't always this way. It took her time (of course) to make the adjustment in her mind and that of her husband. Their daughter (my granddaughter) has only ever known me as a woman and "just another of her grandmothers"! How cool is that?

Then there is my son.

To put it mildly, he has issues (with me)! Yet most of his trouble with me started from long before my transitioning. It essentially is a result of his interpretation and dislike in how I was so stern with him in his upbringing. To be fair to myself and his mother, our daughter will confirm that she was raised no differently and has only mild issues from her experience. So, my son's personal issues and misgivings with me were only exacerbated by the fact of me transitioning! It made it very easy for him to lash out against me and justify his intolerance for my needs. We currently do not see each other nor do we speak via telephone or in writing. He does communicate and interact with his mother and in time he may still work all of this out in his head and come around. But, that's the key; giving it time.

Not to be cliche', however, these are difficult issues for the children of parents who transition. You might lose them and their love forever. Then again, you might not. I knew this from all of the reading and question asking, much the same as where you are at right now. I feel the real issue is asking yourself, "can I live my life forever more and not be me irregardless of who knows about me"? My answer was very simple, "NO"! You know, it may seem such a selfish and uncaring decision to make "irregardless". Yet, who's life are you talking about? Yours? Or your kids? And, yes this is the most selfish act you will ever in your life do, no doubt about it! In my case, I knew that my wife and I gave our kids all of the tools that they needed in order for them to get on in their lives, even without me in it. Therefore, I knew they would survive. Yes, there may be embarrassing moments, but, who doesn't have those from time to time? They will still survive in any case. This issue of whether or not I could transition with or without their blessing eventually came down to one thing; it's MY life I'm talking about! I have to take care of ME!

The way I saw it was; I'll take the chance on them ultimately coming around and accepting me for who I am with me finally being honest about myself. Rather than, not being alive and having them suffer the rest of their lives not knowing why I took my own life.


Dawn

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

When I came out I came out to my daughter first who was most supportive of me and one of my biggest supporters. She was 23 when I told her, but she knew I cross dressed for 15 years prior to this. I told my son about 2 weeks after I told my daughter, he was around 21 and he's been okay with me. He is happy that I've finally found happiness for myself. But to be honest he isn't the most comfortable with me when his friends are around but doesn't say anything. So in the scheme of things they have both been supportive.

I think the biggest issue they have is how to explain 'you' to their friends. If you give them some advice on how to tell others it may go over easier with them. But again as others have mentioned your children are not mine and I don't know them, so it all depends on your relationship with them. But don't spend to much time trying to satisfy other's feelings do what is right for you, when you are happy with yourself, that will show thru to others and they will respond in kind to you. Be yourself first. Kimberly Marie Kelly :battingeyelashes:

[katieblush]

Omg Dawn,your reply had me in tears,that hit home reading from someone elses life experience,it is the very place i am entering in to right now,god you have to find so much strength to try to pull through these mind blowing situations,take care Dawn, Ana thanks for the post.:hugs:

[Ana5551]

Thanks for your replies.....my son is still very young...preschool age...so I am worried about what would lie ahead for him with all of the peer issues or me not even being in his life. I can bear the consequences of my actions, but I could not bear it if my actions harm him. His love is one of the few things that really brings happiness into my life and I just don't know if I am willing to risk losing that if my transition were to hurt him. I was hoping to hear what I wanted to in peoples replies, instead it makes the whole decision more difficult.

[TerryTerri]

This issue is one I'm just now starting to earnestly contemplate. I started parenthood later in life. I was 37 when my first biological child was born. Currently, none of my children know of my transgender nature. I now have a 12 year old daughter with one ex-wife. The ex-wife knows and seems more accepting than I thought she would be. However, she's handicapped by a fairly strong southern baptist mentality. She has express serious reservations where these things concern our daughter. But, we haven't sat down and talked specifics. Plus, if she tried to drive a wedge between my daughter and I, it would probably backfire on her. I don't know what she sees in me, but, my daughter thinks I'm to most awesomest, coolest Dad on the planet. My daughter has shown herself to have an incredibly open, warm, loving heart and I think when she learns about me she will be thrown for a loop. But, I really think in the long run she will adjust, accept and continue to be the loving soul she has been gifted with. I think it will eventually make the relationship between my daughter and I stronger. But, my daughter will need to grow beyond some religious boundaries she has been taught. She's smart and loving enough to make the leap I believe.
My other 2 kids are my boys. They are 8 and 6 and currently live with me full-time. They are both very much boys. No gender confusion in their behavior, just mine. lol. And, I'm really not sure, I'm just starting to contemplate all this. I don't even have a speculation with them at this point. Their mother knows, it's why she recently divorced me. I attempt to educate them on gender issues in our daily world. Try not to give them the normal hard and fast gender behaviors and roles. I don't know how to explain. Just trying to educate them with an open mind regarding such things. But, at present they are just young, rambunktious boys! We'll see how it goes.

[AlisonRenee]

Also a concern of mine.

I'm one of those girls who's known who she was since very, very young, and spent a lifetime denying it and building that oh-so-stereotypical male life... which now feels like a travesty and a sham.

The bottom line is that I know my now-grown kids pretty well, and I know they couldn't handle it - period. My son and I were together the other day and a likely-transitioning lady walked past us. He was aghast. I didn't say anything to argue the point other than that it's not my place to judge, but on the inside, you may imagine my conflict. My daughter married into an ultra-conservative family and has embraced their "values", despite having been raised - by me, solo single parent - to be more tolerant and accepting.

Not much of a choice remains, if I want them in my lives. So do I be true to me or to the family to whom I committed a lot?

I knew who I was at age four. So many transwomen have similar stories, and the more I read the more it confirms what I know of myself. More and more I realize that I should start down the path of transition for the sake of my own soul, but I'm afraid that I can't without more collateral damage than I can bear. That flip side would be rather soul-torturing in itself.

[Veronica_Jean]

I have incredibly supportive children that have seen me work through this over many years.

My children are 30, 24, and 17 all girls. We all have different reactions from our children and sometimes it can be devastating.

We each have to chose how to live our lives. Especially when our children become adults, they must also make that same choice. We cannot live their lives for them, make their choices, or dictate their decisions. The same applies when it comes to us.

My children when they were younger, (most of them found out about me when they each were about 12 or 13) are typically accepting, but worry about peer pressure and feel strange about what to say. Nearly every case with my children they would share with a few close friends and their friends would either not care or think it was really cool. Yet each time it would be a fear for them and I would do my best to not embarrass them.

At this point they are of the mind that if anyone else cannot accept me, that is on them and they are very vocal about how they feel about their Dad. Yes, I will forever be their Dad, despite dresses and makeup. That was their only request.

For each of us we must decide if the pain and torture is tolerable, or if we can no longer deal with the pain. After that there is really only two choices: change or die. I considered both and looking back choosing to change was better.

The support in my children's lives was forever swept away in 2005 when my wife, her mother, her father, and her older sister died over a 10 month period. That left me as the only one there for any of my children. Had I chosen the alternative in 1995, my children would have no one.

In my opinion, someone you hate or find so revolting alive, is better than someone you love that is dead. I the first case everyone can still choose to be together. In the second that is taken away forever.

:2c:

Veronica

[Sara Jessica]

Such moving stories in this thread. I feel blessed to be the recipient of such insight.

As I struggle with the "do I transition?" battle (let alone disclosure) on a daily basis, my heart drops to the floor and shatters when I think of even a remote possibility that I would lose the love of my children.