DonniDarkness
06-02-2010, 07:01 AM
I just wanted to share something with everyone, this past year of self-acceptance and the decision to be honest to myself, has led me to a place where i need a friend in all this, aside from my wife. Now, before you jump to conclusions let me finish.
My cousin, lets call her Bambi here, has been one of my closest friends growing up, we have been there for each other during bad break-ups, family issues, and all the other things true friends do for each other. For a very long time, even I had long thought, before i came out of denial, if i were to come-out she would be the first one to know.
Yesterday morning i told Bambi.
However i did not include my wife in this decision and i usually include her in all my decisions. Here was my logic: ultimately it is my decision, if i felt i needed Bambi to know, so i can have a friend outside of my marriage, and if my wife had reservations about it and talked me down, i did not want to regret including her in this decision. Because if she had said she didnt feel comfortable with it, i would surely have regretted it. I did not think it would be fair to me, since i have been pawning over this for a very long time anyhow.
After i told Bambi, I told Sugarmomma that i told Bambi.
Sugarmomma, was a little shocked at first, but knows how close me and my cousin are. I explained my reasoning and need to have someone else to talk to outside of our marriage on a friend basis, and Bambi was the only person i trusted enough with my CDing, besides her. I gave her some time to digest all this. Later she said "hey, i understand why you told her, im hurt a little hurt that you feel you need someone other than me to talk to, but your right its your decision. Does this change where you are going? Is this the step to coming out to the world?"
Yikes!!.....Again!!......./Facepalm
I still feel she thinks that i want to transition into full time girl....when I just want to be able to not have to lie to one of my closet friends when they ask me "Whats bothering you Donni".....all ive been able to say all these years is "its personal, i cant talk about it".....and i have been yelled at by Bambi over the years "how the hell am i supposed to be there for you, when you wont tell me whats wrong!"
So, now she knows why i had never said anything before.
Yesterday, Bambi sent me a text "Good morning Sunshine"
i said this: I have something to tell you ive been wanting to tell you for a long time but i did not your opinion of me to change....And i need sworn secrecy here until i say its ok to tell people.
She asks: ok, i love you unconditionaly , But what is it?
Seriously i said only this: Your cousin is a drag queen
She said: Ok, cool, that explains a lot actually.....wait do you like the boys too?
I said: Well, bi curious, but i prefer women. How do you mean "that explains a lot?"
She says: Your not like the other guys i know, never have been, people love that about you. Wow you really were in denial, werent you.
We continued a great conversation about my CDing, how long ive been doing it, and a ton of other questions (that were pretty typical)
After a few hours went by i got this text:
Donni, i just want you to know that nothing you ever do will change my opinion of you. You could show up with a body in your trunk; and i would grab a shovel...If anything changed at all, it is that i respect you even more for expressing yourself and being you for you
I melted inside.....Im glad it was a text, because i was so choked up i couldnt even speak.
For those of you that put your time in to help me over the last few months, Thank you
For those of you who help others here, Thank you
For the rest of you, Keep reading this site, you will find things here that will help you keep your sanity and light the path on dark days
To my friends
-Donni-
My cousin, lets call her Bambi here, has been one of my closest friends growing up, we have been there for each other during bad break-ups, family issues, and all the other things true friends do for each other. For a very long time, even I had long thought, before i came out of denial, if i were to come-out she would be the first one to know.
Yesterday morning i told Bambi.
However i did not include my wife in this decision and i usually include her in all my decisions. Here was my logic: ultimately it is my decision, if i felt i needed Bambi to know, so i can have a friend outside of my marriage, and if my wife had reservations about it and talked me down, i did not want to regret including her in this decision. Because if she had said she didnt feel comfortable with it, i would surely have regretted it. I did not think it would be fair to me, since i have been pawning over this for a very long time anyhow.
After i told Bambi, I told Sugarmomma that i told Bambi.
Sugarmomma, was a little shocked at first, but knows how close me and my cousin are. I explained my reasoning and need to have someone else to talk to outside of our marriage on a friend basis, and Bambi was the only person i trusted enough with my CDing, besides her. I gave her some time to digest all this. Later she said "hey, i understand why you told her, im hurt a little hurt that you feel you need someone other than me to talk to, but your right its your decision. Does this change where you are going? Is this the step to coming out to the world?"
Yikes!!.....Again!!......./Facepalm
I still feel she thinks that i want to transition into full time girl....when I just want to be able to not have to lie to one of my closet friends when they ask me "Whats bothering you Donni".....all ive been able to say all these years is "its personal, i cant talk about it".....and i have been yelled at by Bambi over the years "how the hell am i supposed to be there for you, when you wont tell me whats wrong!"
So, now she knows why i had never said anything before.
Yesterday, Bambi sent me a text "Good morning Sunshine"
i said this: I have something to tell you ive been wanting to tell you for a long time but i did not your opinion of me to change....And i need sworn secrecy here until i say its ok to tell people.
She asks: ok, i love you unconditionaly , But what is it?
Seriously i said only this: Your cousin is a drag queen
She said: Ok, cool, that explains a lot actually.....wait do you like the boys too?
I said: Well, bi curious, but i prefer women. How do you mean "that explains a lot?"
She says: Your not like the other guys i know, never have been, people love that about you. Wow you really were in denial, werent you.
We continued a great conversation about my CDing, how long ive been doing it, and a ton of other questions (that were pretty typical)
After a few hours went by i got this text:
Donni, i just want you to know that nothing you ever do will change my opinion of you. You could show up with a body in your trunk; and i would grab a shovel...If anything changed at all, it is that i respect you even more for expressing yourself and being you for you
I melted inside.....Im glad it was a text, because i was so choked up i couldnt even speak.
For those of you that put your time in to help me over the last few months, Thank you
For those of you who help others here, Thank you
For the rest of you, Keep reading this site, you will find things here that will help you keep your sanity and light the path on dark days
To my friends
-Donni-